How to put in our invitations, Doing a "dutch" dinner?!?!

tonynjess77

We are unable to afford a reception but we want to have a dinner after the ceremony but not sure how to put in the invites there will be a dinner but "buy your own". It sucks I hate doing it this way but $$$ don't grow on trees
If anyone has ANY ideas please I am open to anything!
THANK YOU!!
_________________________________________________________________

WOW!! THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO WAS RESPECTFUL, UNDERSTANDING, AND HELPFUL IN THEIR REPLIES AND FOR THOSE WHO WERE NOT SO TACTFUL...WELL I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU! WE HAVE DECIDED TO TRY ANOTHER ROUTE AND WE ARE NOT DOING A "DUTCH" DINNER, IT WASN'T SOMETHING I WAS COMFORTABLE DOING ANYWAY BUT DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. BEST WISHES TO EVERYONE!

nhelene

If you can't pay for a dinner, don't have a dinner. 

Have you looked into prices on heavy hors d'eovres?  Or having a big honking barbecue in someone's backyard?  or a big potluck at someone's house? 

nhelene

[QUOTE]Or cut out anything else that isn't necessary (limo, DJ, floral centerpieces, etc.). Posted by lovethebeach16[/QUOTE]

It sounds to me like she's not doing any kind of a reception, just asking her friends out to dinner.

I understand the sentiment.  You want to spend as much time as possible with your friends, but you can't afford to pay for the meals of 50 people.  But I think you could easily find someone with a big enough backyard and just throw a potluck.  Make a big pot of chili and buy a cake.  (hint: walmart makes some really nice wedding cakes for some really nice prices)

jessicarabbit501

If someone told me I had to pay for my own dinner, I wouldn't even go to the wedding.  

Every bride has to deal with budget so you need to figure out some way to feed people, be it cheese, crackers and punch or cake or whatever.  You have to do something because you really cannot ask people to essentially "pay" to come to your wedding.

caseyandlizzie

Is there a restaurant you can go to that might have a party room and you can do appetizers or even a cheaper set price menu? I agree with PP that you cannot invite your friends/family to dinner after your wedding and expect them to pay.

banana468

I think you need to figure out a way to actually be able to host something.

The invitations indicate that a guest is invited to a hosted event.

Have a cake and punch reception, a backyard wedding, or something really small.  But if you can't afford to be serving your guests, you don't have guests and you don't have invitations.

squirrly

I second the cake and punch suggestion.  Your local grocery store can do a nice cake for a very reasonable price, and punch is cheap.  Pineapple sherbert, 1 large can of pineapple juice, and 2L of Sprite.  Tasty!  You can pick up some mints and mixed nuts at the grocery to set out as well for under $10. 

If you're not providing the refreshments/dinner, there's really nothing that you can invite anyone to, is the thing.  If you do the cake and punch reception, you can pass by word of mouth that you and your groom will be having dinner at X location if anyone would like to join you.  But that's it.

Think creatively, and check out the Budget board here on theknot.  There are a lot of brides putting together really nice weddings on very small budgets.  Figure out what you have available to you - whether that's $300 or $30,000, and I'm certain you can come up with something lovely and meaningful for that price.

ecsmiles

Think about the people who are traveling to get there too - They will have to already be paying for gas, food along the way, hotel rooms, etc.  Then on top of that you want them to pay for their own meal at YOUR "reception?"  Its super rude to your guests, so I second the cake/punch or heavy apps.  You could even do a coffee bar where you just have coffee and a variety of different flavors for creamers for another beverage option.

I read a post about someone getting some things at CostCo and putting out lasagne, green salad, and rolls - all for under $100 for her guests.  The point is - there are plenty of REALLY inexpensive options to explore

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I agree with PPs. I mean really, if it was acceptible to not pay to feed our guests why would some of us be spending thousands of dollars on food and drinks?

Costco has cold cut platters, or veggie trays you can get if you have your wedding at a non meal time. They also have pretty good cakes from what I hear. Lemonade, tea, coffee and water shouldn't be too bad, and stores always have sales on 2 liter bottles of soda. For a non-meal time that will be plenty.

Have you sent out STDs? How big is your guest list? If you haven't indicated you are inviting a lot of people, I'd cut it to just immediate family and have a small ceremony, followed by a simple lunch or dinner that you pay for. Olive garden? A local pizza place? You choose! But you should pay for their food.

UnderAtree

A meat and cheese platter with Punch, and like everyone suggested a cake from a grocery store. It doesn't have to be extravagant to be nice.

MOBinFL2008

If you invite guests, then you need to serve something.  Just serving cake and punch is fine.  For slightly more money you can host a back yard reception with platters of meats and cheese with salads and rolls. 

Please don't do as someone suggestes and have a pot luck.  Just as it is tacky to ask guests to pay for their own meal in a restaurant, it is equally tacky to ask guests to bring food to your party.

Do some research and you'll find that for a very small amount of money you'll be able to host a lovely affair that won't make you cringe when you look back on it in twenty years.

Siobhan50

Do not do a pay your own, there have been some great alternatives suggested, how about a 7 or 8 pm candlelight wedding, guests will have eaten their main meal, so something small laid out will suffice...

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_put-invitations-doing-dutch-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:def05dc0-c6ef-40b6-a0a5-c17d9779508aPost:562ebdc3-38aa-4567-b324-e36a289a7088">Re: How to put in our invitations, Doing a "dutch" dinner?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're not providing the refreshments/dinner, there's really nothing that you can invite anyone to, is the thing. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]
Ditto this exactly.  You can't send an actual invitation if you're not hosting anything.  If you can't afford to pay for any sort of food, even cake and punch, you can't afford to invite anyone to your wedding.  End of story.

Lindze75

Do a cake and punch reception.  Surely you can save enough for that.  Send the invites out that indicate dessert reception to follow.  That way it is clear that dinner will not be served. 

If you want to have a meal with friends and family it would be nice to have a "no host" brunch the next morning.  This is much more acceptable to be no host.  To do a meal directly following the ceremony that you don't pay for is awkard and guests may make you feel that way when they don't bring $ for their bill or assume you're paying. 

MAMA41206

I would say decide what time.  You could do a really pretty morning reception and have a little breakfast after (juices, fruit, bagels, muffins). Or you could do an afternoon reception (2 or 3pm) with snacks like cheese and crackers, etc.   Or you could do a late evening reception (8pm) and have a dessert bar, cakes, cookies, coffee, etc.

omgitscasey

I find some of what the brides say on here to be very rude. How about instead of having a wedding, you only do a reception? You can rent a VFW for $150 dollars and have walmart cater your wedding for under $500. While everyone wants to have a beautiful church wedding, guests are far more interested in the after party. Pay the extra $75 to have a bartender and make it a cash bar.  There are definitely ways to have a reception without spending lots of money. It might not be the classiest thing but your family and friends should understand.

subdola

We had a BBQ for all the OOT guests the weekend of the wedding, and all in (burgers, cake, salad, and a keg) it cost us less than $200, including the decent disposable plates, to feed 60 people.  It can be done for cheap, but yes, you MUST provide something for people.  Cake and punch is perfectly acceptable, as would be very light apps and a cash bar if you really want alcohol.

nhelene

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_put-invitations-doing-dutch-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:def05dc0-c6ef-40b6-a0a5-c17d9779508aPost:257e3509-386b-47cb-9b8e-9330d2be8135">Re: How to put in our invitations, Doing a "dutch" dinner?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I find some of what the brides say on here to be very rude. How about instead of having a wedding, you only do a reception?</strong> You can rent a VFW for $150 dollars and have walmart cater your wedding for under $500. <strong>While everyone wants to have a beautiful church wedding, guests are far more interested in the after party.</strong> Pay the extra $75 to have a bartender and make it a cash bar.  There are definitely ways to have a reception without spending lots of money. It might not be the classiest thing but your family and friends should understand.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]

And I think it's rude to only come to a wedding if you know there is going to be an awesome after party.  If one of my friends was getting married, and I knew they didn't even have $100 extra to spend on cheese and crackers, I would still come to see them get married.

I don't know anything about OP, but she never mentioned having a 'beautiful church wedding', so I'm not going to assume she's spending money she doesn't have on the ceremony and cheaping out on the reception.

Despite what most people have come to expect, the wedding is actually the more important event.  And despite the fact that brides whining about 'their day' are annoying, the truth of the matter is it's most certainly not your guests' day.

If a bride WANTS to get married at the courthouse and then hold a reception, she certainly can.  But as a 'have', it is certainly not my place to tell the 'have nots' that they MUST do it that way.  Anyone... ANYONE... who has the resources to use their marriage as an excuse to throw a party for their friends, no matter how small, should consider themselves fortunate. 

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_put-invitations-doing-dutch-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:def05dc0-c6ef-40b6-a0a5-c17d9779508aPost:257e3509-386b-47cb-9b8e-9330d2be8135">Re: How to put in our invitations, Doing a "dutch" dinner?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]I find some of what the brides say on here to be very rude. How about instead of having a wedding, you only do a reception? You can rent a VFW for $150 dollars and have walmart cater your wedding for under $500. While everyone wants to have a beautiful church wedding, guests are far more interested in the after party. Pay the extra $75 to have a bartender and make it a cash bar.  There are definitely ways to have a reception without spending lots of money. It might not be the classiest thing but your family and friends should understand.
Posted by omgitscasey[/QUOTE]


The ceremony is generally the reason for the reception.   Many guests find it rather rude to be asked to attend the reception only as the ceremony is the reason they're welcomed at the reception.  For me, that's the point of it.  I want to see the couple married but I do understand if they chose to keep it so intimate that only the people they lived with as small children are those invited to the ceremony.  For you to decide what guests are interested in is not appropriate and it's actually really rude to do (attend the reception but not the ceremony if invited to both).

You're right that there are tons of ways to host guests.  But that means hosting them .  Food and beverages are on the hosts and not the guests.  Your cash bar idea isn't appropriate either unless ALL the guests know and accept cash bars.  They're still inappropriate etiquette and viewed as quite rude by some.  Saying, "Your friends will understand," is a loaded statement.  Most friends and family understand things like that in front of you but when they discuss it privately, they have other words.

aerinpegadrak

We're webcasting our ceremony, so anyone who wants to can see it, but we're not really inviting them to take time out of their day, travel, buy us a gift, and all that.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_put-invitations-doing-dutch-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:def05dc0-c6ef-40b6-a0a5-c17d9779508aPost:f375e3a4-89ef-46f8-81fa-15620e63a982">Re: How to put in our invitations, Doing a "dutch" dinner?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]We had a BBQ for all the OOT guests the weekend of the wedding, and all in (burgers, cake, salad, and a keg) it cost us less than $200, including the decent disposable plates, to feed 60 people.  It can be done for cheap, but yes, you MUST provide something for people.  Cake and punch is perfectly acceptable, <strong>as would be very light apps and a cash bar if you really want alcohol.</strong>
Posted by subdola[/QUOTE]

<div>A cash bar is not acceptable.  It is no different than asking guests to pay for their own food.  It's just flat out rude.  </div><div>
</div><div>People will understand that you have a small budget and need to keep it to cake and punch or light snacks.  They will no understand or appreciate why you are asking them to pay for the things that you can't afford to host but insist on having anyway.  If you can't afford a dinner, don't have it.  If you can't afford a bar, don't have it.  </div>

Zooloo

The best way to cut cost on a reception is NOT to have dinner.  Instead, host a very classy light brunch, afternoon tea or late evening dessert reception.

If you want to have dinner with a small group of guests, do it the day after and spread by word of mouth.  People will be less expectant that you will be footing the full bill if you're going out to a 'normal' dinner with friends just as you would at any other time.

ces25c

I would go with just serving cake and punch.
As for everyone saying how rude it is, I went to a dinner after a friend's wedding where we all paid for ourselves and wasn't the least offended.  However, I will add it wasn't a formal wedding and they didn't register or receive any gifts except for a few small items from their families.