BM frustration

DivaJenD

Now, I know many of you ladies have been much more flexible than me when it comes to BM dresses (letting your girls choose their own dresses in many instances)... but I will preface by saying that I had set the expectation with my girls from the get-go that I wanted them all to look similar (same dress, shoes, etc) if at all possible...

After a great deal of debate and comment from my girls, I finally settled on a dress (DB F15137)... one of my BM's doesn't really like the dress, but the other 4 love it... the one said she'd wear it if that's what I chose though... after struggling to make this decision (in the hope of finding a dress everyone at least really liked), I chose the dress that most agreed on... This was really tough for me b/c I've had my heart set on everyone in the same dress (just the vision I've always had), but struggled with the concept of everyone not being 100% happy...

Now, new issue... I hadn't expressed yet what shoe color I wanted everyone to wear... I've been leaning towads silver b/c I really think that would pop with the dress... but I wasn't totally set on it yet... Well, one of my girls texted me this morning and said she had black silk shoes she wants to wear and would that be ok... I told her I was leaning towards silver, but to give me a bit to make a decision... She texted me back stating "I'm going to force my opinion and preference on you... since the dress is long, the shoes don't really matter. You won't be able to see them anyway. And most of us probably already have shoes we could wear. It would just be an added expense."

So basically, if I want everyone to have the same color shoes, I'm going to be forced to pick black... or some across as a Bridezilla and force her to get silver shoes... I'm just a little upset b/c I had conveyed to them from the beginning that I wanted everyone the same and I feel like she's being selfish and inconsiderate... I've been trying so hard to make everyone feel comfortable and ok with the attire, but I feel like I have a right to be a little bit selfish with this... You can get a cheap pair of silver heels at Payless for under $20 if need be... and the dress is cheaper than I had originally told them anyway (everyone was ok with up to $200 before alterations and the dress is only $160)...

Am I being unreasonable?

Krikin22

Is there a reason you want their shoes to be the same? I think she has a good point that no one will see them, and even if they did I don't think most people would notice. I don't think you should make them buy new shoes, I know I wouldn't want to have to buy shoes if I was in someone else's wedding. I have a wedding planning book and the quote it brings up a lot is "I will remember what my wedding felt like, not what it looked like". I think if it's that important maybe you should offer to buy them shoes? $20 doesn't seem like much but it all adds up.

jmozul01

Agree with PP. My girls are wearing long dresses and I just don't see the point to buying new shoes.  $20 isn't much but then when you add the dress, bridal shower, bachlorette party, wedding present, and whatever else they have going on in their life, its just too much.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_bm-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:1f017d6a-18bd-4d86-8210-a1428e773bdbPost:c2d034db-4d88-4456-b26b-b82dd7c0e10a">BM frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]Now, I know many of you ladies have been much more flexible than me when it comes to BM dresses (letting your girls choose their own dresses in many instances)... but I will preface by saying that I had set the expectation with my girls from the get-go that I wanted them all to look similar (same dress, shoes, etc) if at all possible... After a great deal of debate and comment from my girls, I finally settled on a dress (DB F15137)... one of my BM's doesn't really like the dress, but the other 4 love it... the one said she'd wear it if that's what I chose though... after struggling to make this decision (in the hope of finding a dress everyone at least really liked), I chose the dress that most agreed on... This was really tough for me b/c I've had my heart set on everyone in the same dress (just the vision I've always had), but struggled with the concept of everyone not being 100% happy... Now, new issue... I hadn't expressed yet what shoe color I wanted everyone to wear... I've been leaning towads silver b/c I really think that would pop with the dress... but I wasn't totally set on it yet... Well, one of my girls texted me this morning and said she had black silk shoes she wants to wear and would that be ok... I told her I was leaning towards silver, but to give me a bit to make a decision... She texted me back stating <strong>"I'm going to force my opinion and preference on you... since the dress is long, the shoes don't really matter. You won't be able to see them anyway. And most of us probably already have shoes we could wear. It would just be an added expense."</strong> So basically, if I want everyone to have the same color shoes, I'm going to be forced to pick black... or some across as a Bridezilla and force her to get silver shoes... <strong>I'm just a little upset b/c I had conveyed to them from the beginning that I wanted everyone the same and I feel like she's being selfish and inconsiderate</strong>... I've been trying so hard to make everyone feel comfortable and ok with the attire, but I feel like I have a right to be a little bit selfish with this... You can get a cheap pair of silver heels at Payless for under $20 if need be... and the dress is cheaper than I had originally told them anyway (everyone was ok with up to $200 before alterations and the dress is only $160)... Am I being unreasonable?
Posted by DivaJenD[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1. She's right.  There's no reason why they shouldn't be allowed to wear shoes they already have.</div><div>2. She's not being unreasonable.  Just because you told them upfront that you were going to demand things, doesn't make your actions correct.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't understand this "vision" of yours.  These are people, not your centerpieces.  They each have their own tastes, style, comforts, and financial situation.  You should want your friends standing next to you, not little matching props.  I would feel terrible making people shell out money for something a)they didn't like just because it's your vision or b) something they didn't need to buy in the first place just to complete your vision.  </div><div>
</div><div>The wedding I was in two weeks ago I had to pay for a dress that I hated and I want to burn right now and for gold shoes.  I didn't want to spend a lot of money on the shoes so I did buy them at payless, but they were so uncomfortable because they were cheap that my feet literally bruised.

</div><div>I think it's impossible to read this post and not have that little "bridezilla" flag go up.  Not to be too harsh, but these are your friends and you should treat them as such, not as matching props.</div><div>
</div><div>If you are going to insist on the matching look, I'd pay for everything.</div>

aprahamian2

I am OCD and I definitely see why you want them in the same dresses and same color shoes. That is what I am going with as well and I do not feel bridezilla about it. I don't think it is unreasonable to buy shoes and a dress for a wedding- I have done that or will be doing that when my BMs get married too. However, since money seems to be an issue with your BMs, if you want them all in silver shoes then you should offer to pay for them.

Sharpschruter22

I'm sorry, but I do think you are overreacting. Hey, I wanted my girls to all have the same shoes too...so I paid for them all. The girls don't owe you anything other than to buy a dress. Accessories, makeup, hair, if you want that to be specific then it is on your dime. You say they can get cheap silver shoes at payless...if it is so important to you, then buy them yourself. I'm really not trying to be rude, please don't interpret my tone that way. You have a right to have them look as you envision, but other than buying their dress, they do not owe you anything else. They don't even have to buy you gifts or throw you parties. Did you know that? It's nice if they do, but it is not required. To make a big deal about this is to be flagged as a zilla. Pay for the twenty dollar shoes yourself and all is well.

jenniferbrito

I say if you want them to have the same shoes you should buy them for them.

jojo01041982

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_bm-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:1f017d6a-18bd-4d86-8210-a1428e773bdbPost:640b51ee-b78d-44ba-aeaa-6cb5ff88c439">Re:BM frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry, but I do think you are overreacting. Hey, I wanted my girls to all have the same shoes too...so I paid for them all. The girls don't owe you anything other than to buy a dress. Accessories, makeup, hair, if you want that to be specific then it is on your dime. You say they can get cheap silver shoes at payless...if it is so important to you, then buy them yourself. I'm really not trying to be rude, please don't interpret my tone that way. You have a right to have them look as you envision, but other than buying their dress, they do not owe you anything else. They don't even have to buy you gifts or throw you parties. Did you know that? It's nice if they do, but it is not required. To make a big deal about this is to be flagged as a zilla. Pay for the twenty dollar shoes yourself and all is well.
Posted by Sharpschruter22[/QUOTE]


THIS

mss274

I was in a wedding a couple years ago. The bride had us wear long dresses and also requested us to wear silver shoes. Her wedding was in December so even less of a chance of anyone seeing. Mind you there were also twelve bridesmaids. No one complained and we all got a pair or wore one we already owned. However, I was in a wedding where the bride made us wear a specific shoe that was horrific and we had to pay for it. Not too happy and tossed them away because I couldn't look at them.

SSaltzman87

In Response to Re:BM frustration:[QUOTE]In Response to BM frustration:Now, I know many of you ladies have been much more flexible than me when it comes to BM dresses letting your girls choose their own dresses in many instances... but I will preface by saying that I had set the expectation with my girls from the getgo that I wanted them all to look similar same dress, shoes, etc if at all possible... After a great deal of debate and comment from my girls, I finally settled on a dress DB F15137... one of my BM's doesn't really like the dress, but the other 4 love it... the one said she'd wear it if that's what I chose though... after struggling to make this decision in the hope of finding a dress everyone at least really liked, I chose the dress that most agreed on... This was really tough for me b/c I've had my heart set on everyone in the same dress just the vision I've always had, but struggled with the concept of everyone not being 100 happy... Now, new issue... I hadn't expressed yet what shoe color I wanted everyone to wear... I've been leaning towads silver b/c I really think that would pop with the dress... but I wasn't totally set on it yet... Well, one of my girls texted me this morning and said she had black silk shoes she wants to wear and would that be ok... I told her I was leaning towards silver, but to give me a bit to make a decision... She texted me back stating "I'm going to force my opinion and preference on you... since the dress is long, the shoes don't really matter. You won't be able to see them anyway. And most of us probably already have shoes we could wear. It would just be an added expense." So basically, if I want everyone to have the same color shoes, I'm going to be forced to pick black... or some across as a Bridezilla and force her to get silver shoes... I'm just a little upset b/c I had conveyed to them from the beginning that I wanted everyone the same and I feel like she's being selfish and inconsiderate... I've been trying so hard to make everyone feel comfortable and ok with the attire, but I feel like I have a right to be a little bit selfish with this... You can get a cheap pair of silver heels at Payless for under 20 if need be... and the dress is cheaper than I had originally told them anyway everyone was ok with up to 200 before alterations and the dress is only 160... Am I being unreasonable?Posted by DivaJenD1. She's right. nbsp;There's no reason why they shouldn't be allowed to wear shoes they already have.2. She's not being unreasonable. nbsp;Just because you told them upfront that you were going to demand things, doesn't make your actions correct.I don't understand this "vision" of yours. nbsp;These are people, not your centerpieces. nbsp;They each have their own tastes, style, comforts, and financial situation. nbsp;You should want your friends standing next to you, not little matching props. nbsp;I would feel terrible making people shell out money for something athey didn't like just because it's your vision or b something they didn't need to buy in the first place just to complete your vision. nbsp;The wedding I was in two weeks ago I had to pay for a dress that I hated and I want to burn right now and for gold shoes. nbsp;I didn't want to spend a lot of money on the shoes so I did buy them at payless, but they were so uncomfortable because they were cheap that my feet literally bruised.I think it's impossible to read this post and not have that little "bridezilla" flag go up. nbsp;Not to be too harsh, but these are your friends and you should treat them as such, not as matching props.If you are going to insist on the matching look, I'd pay for everything. Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

I completely agree. If you're dead set on having your BMs look identical, you shell out the cash.

cnh31

I understand what your saying. Maybe it is my group of friends but when one of us has gotten married the others do just comply. I would certainly do that for my friends. I don't feel like a prop. Of course they have a vision and I would love to help them create it! And my friends are the same. Every time I ask for there opinion about something they give it but it is always followed with its your day and I'll do whatever you want. Why would anyone care if there dress wasn't perfect? It's not their day. As long as its not inappropriate I would just deal. I have a lot of bridesmaids, I know they can't all love the dress I picked but no one has complained. I tried my best to make sure it was figure flattering for everyone. I also don't understand why people get so angry if brides want their girls to match. Who cares if its the wedding industry trying to make money. Everyone is trying to make money. Every wedding I have been to as a child had matching bridesmaids. I personally like that. If you don't that is perfectly fine too but I don't think anyone is wrong for preferring that! The only issue that I think there is is the amount of money you expect your girls to spend. But if you were up front with your wishes I think if the girls weren't willing or able to accommodate they could have just politely declined and chose to be a guest. Not accept and then give the bride a hard time if they knew what was expected of them.

DivaJenD

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_bm-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:1f017d6a-18bd-4d86-8210-a1428e773bdbPost:72e85444-2cbf-4133-8ed6-9e12ae9b5a8f">Re:BM frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand what your saying. Maybe it is my group of friends but when one of us has gotten married the others do just comply. I would certainly do that for my friends. I don't feel like a prop. Of course they have a vision and I would love to help them create it! And my friends are the same. Every time I ask for there opinion about something they give it but it is always followed with its your day and I'll do whatever you want. Why would anyone care if there dress wasn't perfect? It's not their day. As long as its not inappropriate I would just deal. I have a lot of bridesmaids, I know they can't all love the dress I picked but no one has complained. I tried my best to make sure it was figure flattering for everyone. I also don't understand why people get so angry if brides want their girls to match. Who cares if its the wedding industry trying to make money. Everyone is trying to make money. Every wedding I have been to as a child had matching bridesmaids. I personally like that. If you don't that is perfectly fine too but I don't think anyone is wrong for preferring that! The only issue that I think there is is the amount of money you expect your girls to spend. But if you were up front with your wishes I think if the girls weren't willing or able to accommodate they could have just politely declined and chose to be a guest. Not accept and then give the bride a hard time if they knew what was expected of them.
Posted by cnh31[/QUOTE]

Thanks! I agree with this mentality....

I do thank the rest of you for the candid feedback as well, honestly. I do appreciate the varied opinions, and TBH, it's why I asked...

However, I will say that everyone else I've spoken to outside of TK has stated that it's customary for all the BMs to match, both dress and shoe... some have stated hair, jewelry as well... To me, shoes are part of the outfit... If I were expecting the girls to wear one specific shoe, I think it would make sense for me to pay for the shoes... but I think stating "please wear a silver shoe" is not going Bridezilla or asking too much.

The more time I've had to think about this, the more I think that I'm within my bounds... At the end of the day, it *is* my day and my vision... I'm spending tens of thousands of dollars on every aspect of this one day that I have... I want my girls to be by my side and I want them to feel comfortable, but I feel that I'm allowed to be slightly selfish as well without being disrepectful towards them.

They knew from the get-go that I had a vision of similar looks for everyone. This isn't coming out of the blue, and I have stayed within everyone's specified budget from the beginning.

Just throwing out my 2 cents since I've had more time to really reflect on this situation... (Not mad at anyone who thought I was out of line or anything... Just agreeing to disagree on this one. haha)