UGHHH...Advice desperately needed!

rlmarroc

long story short, my father had offered to give us the majority of the wedding budget which is what we were basing our planning on. However, apparently he and his gf who is somehow involved in this? decided we would be required to beg HER for the money and convince HER of all FI and I's wedding decisions.

It was readily apparent he was suddenly not happy about giving us money for the wedding and, after several nights of crying and horribly mean telephone conversations, FI and I decided this was NOT fun anymore and not how planning our wedding was supposed to be so I explained that to him in a long email and stated FI and I would be financing our wedding now.

(FYI, I would have preferred to talk to my dad face-to-face or on the phone but he is the type that refuses to listen/hear and just talks over you so I thought my message might get across better this way)

So, on to today, his parents were going to pay for the rehearsal dinner thenight before the wedding and my mom offered an extra $1000 on top of the money she spent on my dress,veil etc. FI looked into personal loans,which we defnitely could get and afford to do, it would just be slightly tighter around the house but I'm questioning whether I actually want to go in debt for our wedding our not.

So, our options are:
1.  Get the loan, have the wedding we were planning but on a slightly lesser scale
2.  Elope in a few months with whoever can come with us and then his parents offered to have a celebratory party at their house shortly thereafter (which, I know, is not the best etiquette but his family and mine would rather this then no wedding celebration)
3. Keep our original wedding date, get married at our church and then have everyone drive to his parents for the reception immediately afterward.
4. Book a wedding through our honeymoon place and whoever can go does and we get married there in May.
4. Other great ideas maybe one of you have!

We've already paid for our photographer out of our pocket and put a deposit down on our DJ which we wouldn't be able to get back so we'd be out about $4,000 if we don't have it here if that factors into your decision. Also, I really wanted to have a Catholic wedding and am unsure how complicated the process would be to get our marriage recognized in the church if we don't get married there especially since we are planning on starting a family right away.

Thanks for all your help, I am just feeling so depressed and sad today about this. I just want to marry FI and he feels the same. I really at a loss as to why my dad suddenly started acting like this, although, years ago, he had a habit of acting pretty awful towards me and holding money over my head. I just thought our relationship had grown since then and we were at a better place or I wouldn't have accepted his offer in the first place.

jmozul01

Its obviously up to you and what's best for the two of you but I would suggest to not get the loan.  You don't want to start your life together in debt you know?

bburkel

That really sucks.  Have you gotten any sort of reply from your dad yet?

We have decided that we are probably going to take out a personal loan to cover our part of the wedding expenses.  We have pretty much all our other debt paid off, so it wouldn't be too bad.  

I know that budgets and finances are important, but as I've been told by a number of people lately, you are only getting married once.  You should have the day you want and shouldn't have to compromise on the things that are important to you.  If the other options would still make you happy, then go ahead and change your plans, but if you had your heart set on a certain wedding that you have already planned, maybe you should do what you can to make it work.  All depends on how important it is to you and your FI.

Swazzle

I'm really sorry that you're dealing with all of this

I pretty much like any of the options you listed except for the taking out a loan one. You have to decide what kind of wedding you and your FI want. 

If you want the wedding you've been planning, look into changing the date but keeping your vendors the same so you don't lose your deposits. 

If you're fine with changing things up then keep the church and have the reception at your FMIL's house. 

If you want a small destination wedding, go that route as long as you're ok with it being small since many people might not be able to afford to travel that far. 

If you'd be fine with eloping and are sure you won't regret it after the fact then that's always an option also. A friend of mine eloped. It was her, her FI, and their photographer. The pictures are amazing. 

At the end of the day, you're going to be married to the love of your life but as far as the wedding goes, you should really figure out (with your FI) what you want and what you can live without. 

rswans

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_ughhhadvice-desperately-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:351c7557-fba1-46e2-a2e7-b09389c2f784Post:f560537c-285f-4185-a8a1-9861a658d25c">UGHHH...Advice desperately needed!</a>:
[QUOTE]2.  Elope in a few months with whoever can come with us and then his parents offered to have a celebratory party at their house shortly thereafter (which, I know, is not the best etiquette but his family and mine would rather this then no wedding celebration) 
Posted by rlmarroc[/QUOTE]

<div>Just a note first that most people are okay with the party as long as you don't make it a "reception" (ie wear your wedding dress, do a first dance, cut cake, etc).  </div><div>
</div><div>I think your option of having the reception at his parents house sounds good as that would let you keep your photographer (and probably your DJ) as long as they are okay with hosting a reception. You could also have the church ceremony that you want. I'd avoid loans if at all possible especially since you seem to have some other options.</div><div>
</div><div>Money with families can be really tricky and I hope this all works out for you. Have you heard back from your dad?</div>

emmyloveseddie

I'm so sorry about everything  ;(  

First of all, your dad's girlfriend should not be involved in this unless they are legally married and even than she can suggest you things but in the end its YOUR and your FI decision. If I was you I would pay for the wedding myself and not ask for money from no one unless they give it to you out of their heart

1.  Loan - you really don’t want to start your marriage owning money but if you can’t imagine your wedding not being like you were planning go for it

2. Elope somewhere far and breathe taking and take a once in a lifetime honeymoon by this time I wouldn’t want nobody there you me and my FI lol

3. I like this choice but still go to an amazing honeymoon

 Photographer - Can she take pictures if you travel to a destination wedding or they can take pictures if you have a smaller wedding?

 

DJ - If you have a celebration at your in laws you can still use him.

 

Catholic Church - They only recognize marriages if they take place on the church. You can elope by court and have a small intimate wedding after you come back and get married by church.  You should look into that because they require of many things.  

 

MamaBear904

I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

I beg you to please think 2, 3, 10 times before you decide on the loan option. Even if you can afford payments, your situation can change at any time and interest rates on personal loans are high. You should not have to pay interest to finance such a special day. 

Out of your options, I really like the idea of having the wedding at the church and have the reception at your FILs. It may not be your "dream" wedding, but it will give you your church ceremony which appears to be an important factor for you. And you can keep your Photog and DJ. 

Also try talking to your vendors to explain your situation. They may be willing to work on a reduced rate, or could possibly refund your deposit to release you from your contract. 

emenz47

In Response to Re:UGHHH...Advice desperately needed!:[QUOTE]I'm so sorry you are going through this.nbsp;I beg you to please think 2, 3, 10 times before you decide on the loan option. Even if you can afford payments, your situation can change at any time and interest rates on personal loans are high. You should not have to pay interest to finance such a special day.nbsp;Out of your options, I really like the idea of having the wedding at the church and have the reception at your FILs. It may not be your "dream" wedding, but it will give you your church ceremony which appears to be an important factor for you. And you can keep your Photog and DJ.nbsp;Also try talking to your vendors to explain your situation. They may be willing to work on a reduced rate, or could possibly refund your deposit to release you from your contract.nbsp; Posted by MamaBear904[/QUOTE]


I agree with this opinion. I'm really sorry that your dad is acting this way, but just think that in a few months you will be married to your fianc!

rlmarroc

UPDATE: Dad called today while I was at lunch with my mom ( it's my birthday). I called him back and he apologized, said he was just stressed about some bills he currently has due and he was wrong to say what he did. Long story short, he committed to giving the money and promised this wouldn't happen again. It was a really good conversation and made mr fl much better about everything. I told him I was still nervous though about accepting his offer to give us money after everything that happened and I needed to talk toFI. FI and I talked and I think we are going to ask him for the deposit for our new venue since we had to change venues and see ow that plays out. Thanks for all your encouraging words and advice! I apologize for not responding sooner, I just wasn't really feeling up to wedding stuff the last few days!

SSaltzman87

Taking a loan out is definitely not ideal, it's not something I would personally do. Of course, you have to decide what option is best for you and FI- but it IS best to plan as if you're financing your own wedding regardless of what's going on. Unfortunately, money that isn't your own comes with strings. Unless you have it in your hand, you can't count on it.

My FI and I are basically financing our own wedding, since neither set of parents are in a state to for sure help us. My parents would finance things if they could, and they intended on it- but other things happened and they can't at this time. My mom feels bad about it and always says how she and my dad have never wanted us to finance our own wedding.

PJBHL5

I hate debt. Hate it. I'm super frugal and am all about putting every penny I can to being debt free. We are paying for our wedding out of pocket to avoid incurring any additional debt. That was a big deal to me.Tha being said, that was our plan from day one. If we'd been planning on getting money from someone and then that fell through, I would do what I need to do to make it happen. Don't skimp. Have the wedding you want. You'll be paying on it for a minute after the wedding but as long as you truly buckle down, you can pay it off quickly. Just don't always look back at your wedding and be angry at your dad for bailing on you AND at yourself for not having the wedding you wanted.
When you're paying it off, you'll think "Gosh, we shouldn't have gotten the loan. This is obnoxious to pay this" but when you're 20 years down the line, you'll love that you planned the celebration you WANTED. And you know what? If the celebration you WANT is an elopment, GO FOR IT. Just don't skimp on what is important to you.