Had a WR fight with my mom

melb2013

Well it wasn't a "fight", more like a disagreement, but I know she's really annoyed.

She was telling me that a good family friend called her today to say that they got their save the date and are so excited for the wedding.  We're having a DW wedding that's a couple hours away from where we live at the ocean.  This friend said that they plan to make a weekend of it and take off Friday and go then.  My mom then proceeded to invite her to our rehearsal dinner on Friday night (night before the wedding).  Now the only thing FI's parents are paying for is a rehearsal dinner, but they haven't specified if it should just be for the WP (there's only two people in the WP), or if it will include OOT guests.

I was really upset that my mom just went and invited this family friend to a dinner she's not paying for.  Now my mom and dad are paying for most of our wedding, but they are not involved in the rehearsal dinner.  I told my mom why I was upset and her response was of course we had to invite OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner because this is a DW.  She says she would feel rude to ignore people that went all that distance the night before the wedding.  So now she wants to call and uninvite this woman.  I just want her to stop inviting and uninviting people and let me see what my in laws were expecting to do for the rehearsal!

Vent....

lgoin1

Eeep!  Uninviting is wrong, but it was wrong of your mom to just invite them over when she wasn't hosting.  Just wait and see what your FILs want to do with their guestlist for the WR.  They may be okay with the guests being there.  I really don't like uninviting, but it really seems wrong to make your FILs pay for your mom's over-enthusiasm.  If your FILs want it to be just BP members, then... that's a conversation your mom needs to have with the guests delicately.  What a sticky situation to be in. :[

monikaedwards

Ugh, don't you just want to pinch your Mothers lips together sometimes?! I know I do mine. I'm sorry, girl. That really sucks. Wait and hear from your FILs and then go from there and I guess have a heart to heart with Mom about checking with you, etc.

sbc2013

I read your post on the etiquette board too, so I might be cross-referencing things here, but I think it would be very generous and considerate of you and FI to try to find the money to invite OOT guests to the RD. I know a lot of the girls on there said it wasn't mandatory by any means, but I think it would be very considerate, and then you don't have to find a way to uninvite those guests your mom invited. I also liked the idea of providing some catered food for the OOT guests, but not necessarily the food of the RD, like a BBQ or dinner from the hotel or something. I think the E board was right in everything they said, but I know from this board that you are close to your mom and having to tell her to uninvite people/that she was out of line probably wasn't pleasant for you. So I think avoiding uninviting those people would be best for everyone.

Do you think your FILs will be accommodating to these OOT guests? When FI approaches them about it, maybe instead of suggesting it to them he can ask them what their plans were...like rather than, "Hey mom and dad, were you planning on having OOT guests at the RD dinner?" he could say, "Hey mom and dad, who were you planning on inviting to the RD?" Sometimes I feel like putting the idea of an expectation into someone's head makes them weary of fulfilling that expectation, even if they wouldn't have been opposed to it otherwise. Does that make any sense? And I don't think it would be wrong/rude/a breach of etiquette to say something like, "What about OOT guests?" if the FILs don't mention it, because maybe they just didn't think of it. Presumably they aren't hosting their daughter's RD and the groom's family is, but do you know what the guest list is like for that dinner? Maybe if OOT guests are invited, your FILs will get the idea to do this themselves...?

Ok, sorry for the ridiculously long response.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_had-a-wr-fight-with-my-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:5002905e-9fb0-4953-952b-e585c158ea7aPost:0e69f45a-10da-4e3b-a1be-76dcfda596df">Re: Had a WR fight with my mom</a>:
[QUOTE]I read your post on the etiquette board too, so I might be cross-referencing things here, but I think it would be very generous and considerate of you and FI to try to find the money to invite OOT guests to the RD. I know a lot of the girls on there said it wasn't mandatory by any means, but I think it would be very considerate, and then you don't have to find a way to uninvite those guests your mom invited. I also liked the idea of providing some catered food for the OOT guests, but not necessarily the food of the RD, like a BBQ or dinner from the hotel or something. I think the E board was right in everything they said, but I know from this board that you are close to your mom and having to tell her to uninvite people/that she was out of line probably wasn't pleasant for you. So I think avoiding uninviting those people would be best for everyone. Do you think your FILs will be accommodating to these OOT guests? When FI approaches them about it, maybe instead of suggesting it to them he can ask them what their plans were...like rather than, "Hey mom and dad, were you planning on having OOT guests at the RD dinner?" he could say, "Hey mom and dad, who were you planning on inviting to the RD?" Sometimes I feel like putting the idea of an expectation into someone's head makes them weary of fulfilling that expectation, even if they wouldn't have been opposed to it otherwise. Does that make any sense? And I don't think it would be wrong/rude/a breach of etiquette to say something like, "What about OOT guests?" if the FILs don't mention it, because maybe they just didn't think of it. Presumably they aren't hosting their daughter's RD and the groom's family is, but do you know what the guest list is like for that dinner? Maybe if OOT guests are invited, your FILs will get the idea to do this themselves...? Ok, sorry for the ridiculously long response.
Posted by sbc2013[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks for your response.  Yes you are cross referencing correctly.  I'm sure he'll be tackful when he talks to his parents.  I honestly can't predict their behavior or thoughts at all, so I have no idea what they are expecting to pay for.  I do feel like the etiquette board gets a little cut and dry sometimes.  Like I realize it's not a requirement, but I think it's polite and nice in this circumstance.  </div><div>
</div><div>Every single person besides a few members of FSIL's WP are local, and they would already be included in the RD.  They also have a rather large WP and immediate family (like siblings), so that's already a huge amount of people- I'm sure they won't include OOT guests.  </div><div>
</div><div>If it's just immediate family and WP, then it will 9 of us for a RD.  I think we'll wait and see how many people come into town the night before before deciding.  If it's going to be, say 70 people, then we'll just stick with the 9 of us, but if it's another 10 or 15, we'll pay if FIL's don't.

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