FMIL dress difficulties

DivaJenD

I'm in need of advice ladies... please help.

I have not gone dress shopping yet (I'm going to try to set up appt's for this weekend actually - YAY!)... and I haven't gone shopping for my bridesmaids yet either. I know I want them in purple (my colors will be purple, blue, and silver), but I don't have any clue what shade yet (light, dark, etc) - it really will depend on what I can find when I start looking.

In the meantime, my FMIL has already picked her dress. I don't think she actually purchased it yet, but she has made up her mind. It's hot pink and short.

I'm frustrated because I would have liked to have had a say in what she's wearing at least in some way. At the very least, I would have liked to say to her "This is the color that the girls will be wearing - please pick something that compliments this color scheme."

In a perfect world, I would have liked to be able to say "I'd like both of you (my mother and her) in long (probably?) dresses, and please choose from these various color families." I know this may seem like micro-managing the dress choices (which would be my perfect world), but even having at least a little bit of say would be nice, even if it's not to that degree.

Her dress choice does not go with my vision at all. FI does not want to say anything to her because he doesn't want to get stuck in the middle, which I understand to some extent, but it IS his mother. But fine, I'll talk to her about it (we're having dinner with her on Thursday).

How do I approach this? Do I just suck it up and let her wear what she wants to wear? Or do I have a right to say something? And if I do have a right to say something, how do I approach it without coming across as Bridezilla? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't get why she would go ahead and pick a dress already without knowing anything about what I or anyone else will be wearing. I feel like she's being inconsiderate, but I also want to be careful to pick my battles and not start any bad blood (we get along ok right now - we're not super close or anything, but we like each other).

When FI's sister got married, it was very low key and she didn't care what anyone wore. It was relatively informal and laid back. Sheet cake from the local grocery store for the wedding cake. A friend as the photog. Etc. So I don't know if she's going based on past experience, thinking she has that kind of freedom here...?

Any thoughts are welcome...
Thanks!

SSaltzman87

At the end of the day, your FMIL should feel and look great in what she's wearing regardless if it goes with your 'vision' or not. There's no nice way to say that she should pick something else to wear, it will backfire on you.

You could say something along the lines of her taking more consideration of what to wear since she'll be in several pictures and will be 'frozen in time' so to speak, if that makes sense?

turtleslove

If she doesnt ask you there is not a lot you can do..
Perhaps you can show her everything once it is picked out and emphasize how they all flow nicely together. If you have a mother or other special women that are involved I would show her their ideas and see if she get the point then.. This is hard when people just don't care. Hoepfully the visual up front will get her to see how much she will stick out in the actual photos!

I feel for you, at my FI bro's wedding thier grandpa's girlfriend wore a short red sparkly dress and sparkly platform heels. She of course thought it was okay because the wedding colors were red and black... Can't wait to see what she wears to ours

melb2013

Mothers are not part of a wedding party.  According to proper ettiquette they are specifically not suppose to match the wedding party colors in any way and certainly not meant to match the other mother.  Your mother and FMIL can wear whatever they want and you do not get a say.

My mother just bought a dress and it's a dark red color- my wedding colors are dusty rose, ivory, and gray.  She did ask if it was okay if she wore red, since that's such a "in your face" color, and I said I didn't care.

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_fmil-dress-difficulties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:63ffbd61-ff3c-4fef-a55f-f9d354503472Post:84a2b127-d85c-4086-9e0e-162652dc5b35">Re: FMIL dress difficulties</a>:
[QUOTE]Mothers are not part of a wedding party.  According to proper ettiquette they are specifically not suppose to match the wedding party colors in any way and certainly not meant to match the other mother. <strong> Your mother and FMIL can wear whatever they want and you do not get a say.</strong> My mother just bought a dress and it's a dark red color- my wedding colors are dusty rose, ivory, and gray.  She did ask if it was okay if she wore red, since that's such a "in your face" color, and I said I didn't care.
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly this.</div>

ChefBride524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_fmil-dress-difficulties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:63ffbd61-ff3c-4fef-a55f-f9d354503472Post:550fab8b-8814-4717-9adf-9d4b40da84aa">FMIL dress difficulties</a>:
[QUOTE] How do I approach this? Posted by DivaJenD[/QUOTE]

You don't.

You only have a say in your bridal party attire. Your mother in law is an autonomous adult who can wear whatever she feels beautiful in. Be glad that she found something she feels good in and keep those lips sealed!

ChefBride524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_fmil-dress-difficulties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:63ffbd61-ff3c-4fef-a55f-f9d354503472Post:550fab8b-8814-4717-9adf-9d4b40da84aa">FMIL dress difficulties</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't get why she would go ahead and pick a dress already without knowing anything about what I or anyone else will be wearing.[/QUOTE]

Because she has every right to do so.
 
[QUOTE]So I don't know if she's going based on past experience, thinking she has that kind of freedom here...? Posted by DivaJenD[/QUOTE]

????????

Seriously? Why wouldn't she have the "freedom" to dress herself?

Sorry if I'm across as kinda rough here, but seriously ... let it go. Be thrilled that she is excited enough about the wedding that she bought a dress a whole year ahead! AND that you have a FMIL that you get along with.

Think of it this way - dressing her like a Barbie to fit your "vision" for a five hour day is not worth starting your *marriage* off on a sour note with your new mother in law.

turtleslove

WOW. Makes me thankful. Both sides of our wedding are the ones thinking ahead and making sure their clothing doesn't clash because they would like the photos to be cohesive. We haven't had to ask anyone.. No, everyone should not match the bridal party, but no one wants to be the only person wearing bringht pink when everyone else in the family chose a subduded hue or something like that. I would be super embarassed to be that person. 

SRRL18

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_fmil-dress-difficulties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:63ffbd61-ff3c-4fef-a55f-f9d354503472Post:550fab8b-8814-4717-9adf-9d4b40da84aa">FMIL dress difficulties</a>:
[QUOTE]IHow do I approach this? Do I just suck it up and let her wear what she wants to wear? Or do I have a right to say something? And if I do have a right to say something? So I don't know if she's going based on past experience, thinking she has that kind of freedom here...? Any thoughts are welcome... Thanks!
Posted by DivaJenD[/QUOTE]

1) You don't approach it. Suck it up.
2) You have no right to say anything. Are you purchasing her dress? I'm assuming the answer is no, there you can't say anything.
3)Freedom? She most certainly does have the freedom to choose what SHE wears.

Your FMIL is not part of the wedding party, you can not dictate what she, your mom, for FFIL, your dad, any ANYONE not within your bridal party wears.

I'd assume your FMIL has the good sense to not wear a tacky hot pink dress.

DivaJenD

Thanks for the feedback everyone... I will certainly think twice before approaching this subject with her...

However, for those who are under the impression that I'm 10000% out of line for even thinking I have a right to say anything at all, I will point out that proper wedding etiquette does state:
~ The mothers of both the bride and groom should "choose a color that will blend nicely with the dresses of the wedding party"
~ "Traditionally, the bride’s mother has the honor of selecting her outfit first. The mother of the groom, in picking her outfit second, should ideally wear a different color from the bride’s mother. When in doubt, she should go with a soft or neutral color, rather than an excessively bold color."
~ "The mothers do not have to wear dresses of equal length, although many choose to do so in order to create a more harmonious look—especially in wedding photos."

Again, I do appreciate the feedback and I am absolutely taking that into account... I will probably just keep my mouth shut, but I just wanted to make note I'm not completely psycho. haha.

turtleslove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_fmil-dress-difficulties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:63ffbd61-ff3c-4fef-a55f-f9d354503472Post:41ef9d31-616f-4874-b296-a6fcdfb6feea">Re: FMIL dress difficulties</a>:
[QUOTE]T proper wedding etiquette does state: ~ The mothers of both the bride and groom should "choose a color that will blend nicely with the dresses of the wedding party" ~ "Traditionally, the bride’s mother has the honor of selecting her outfit first. The mother of the groom, in picking her outfit second, should ideally wear a different color from the bride’s mother. When in doubt, she should go with a soft or neutral color, rather than an excessively bold color." ~ "The mothers do not have to wear dresses of equal length, although many choose to do so in order to create a more harmonious look—especially in wedding photos."Posted by DivaJenD[/QUOTE]
Exactly. You said she showed you a hot pink dress. Hopefully she just didnt think about it ahead of time. I hope she changes her mind on her own and I hope your pictures turn out! 

ChefBride524

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_fmil-dress-difficulties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:63ffbd61-ff3c-4fef-a55f-f9d354503472Post:41ef9d31-616f-4874-b296-a6fcdfb6feea">Re: FMIL dress difficulties</a>:
[QUOTE]However, for those who are under the impression that I'm 10000% out of line for even thinking I have a right to say anything at all, I will point out that proper wedding etiquette does state: ... I will probably just keep my mouth shut, but I just wanted to make note I'm not completely psycho. haha.
Posted by DivaJenD[/QUOTE]

Nope. You're out of line. Wedding ettiquette has changed since the 1950's.

Since she hasn't purchased yet you can always *hope* that once she sees your mom's dress she'll change her mind, but hope is all you've got. You don't get a say.

And for the record, pink, purple, and blue work. They're an analagous color scheme, meaning they sit next to each other on the color wheel. It'll be fine. Worry about other things :)

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_fmil-dress-difficulties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:63ffbd61-ff3c-4fef-a55f-f9d354503472Post:88d25c00-ebca-460b-bf12-7f7e99c43593">Re: FMIL dress difficulties</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL dress difficulties : <strong>Nope. You're out of line. Wedding ettiquette has changed since the 1950's.</strong> Since she hasn't purchased yet you can always *hope* that once she sees your mom's dress she'll change her mind, but hope is all you've got. You don't get a say. And for the record, pink, purple, and blue work. They're an analagous color scheme, meaning they sit next to each other on the color wheel. It'll be fine. Worry about other things :)
Posted by ChefBride524[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>