May 2013 Weddings
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Baby-Mama Vent

So FI has an amazing son, whom I love dearly. Son's mom and FI were never married, but were engaged and together until Son was about 18 mos old.

FI has 50-50 custody, and Son is about to turn 6 and spends every other weekend with us. This past weekend, we were talking about the new family, and what it means that I'm going to be a Step-mom, and my parents are going to be new Step-gparents. He got very upset, and said that his mom already talked to him about it.

He then proceeded to tell us that his mom said he only has one mom (her), one dad (FI) and one grandma (mom's mom, who they live with), and no one else counts. Now, I don't know how much of this was direct from the mouth vs. 5 year old interpretation, but it hurt FI and me pretty badly.

Not only did Son's mom not even include FI's parents in the equation, but to say that I don't count, and neither do my parents? We are just people that want to love Son -- not take anything away from her relationship with him! It is his best interests that we have in mind, and nothing else.

SO FRUSTRATING.

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Re: Baby-Mama Vent

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    edited August 2012
    I have a little experience with this (I have a daughter, FI has a daughter but none together). A little advice, this is NOT coming from the kid. Children are like parrots and repeat whatever adult is influencing them at the time. Another piece of advice, let your FI handle it with his son's mom. I have made the mistake of giving my 2 cents and it only made things worse. As long as you're being loving to the son, eventually whatever his mom says won't matter.
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    I agree with Pnutbutr. I have a son and even though he is older (now 14), there is still a lot of "well dad says" and he now knows he's doing it just to get to me when he is hurt or angry. Let FI deal with baby-mama and just try to occasionally reinforce to son that this means he now has extra people who care, love and support him and can cheer him on at sports activities, etc.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_baby-mama-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:8aea7b5f-7f9e-4c0a-be7b-db8b4f66378dPost:6d5b401d-2827-4be8-9c2d-1456f65b6581">Re: Baby-Mama Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a little experience with this (I have a daughter, FI has a daughter but none together). <strong>A little advice, this is NOT coming from the kid. Children are like parrots and repeat whatever adult is influencing them at the time. Another piece of advice, let your FI handle it with his son's mom. I have made the mistake of giving my 2 cents and it only made things worse. As long as your being loving to the son, eventually whatever his mom says won't matter.
    </strong>Posted by Pnutbutr[/QUOTE]

    Exactly! It will be tough and take time, but are gullable- not stupid. Treat him no differently (I know you wont) and don't force anything on him. It will be frustrating, but it won't last.
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    Thanks, Ladies!

    I wasn't planning on approaching her at all, at least not unless she reaches out to me first (we have mutual friends).

    And all of our conversations have been about how he just has more people that love him and want the best for him.

    My parents don't have any other grandchildren, so not only are they about to get a great Son-in-Law, but a Grandson as well -- and they are tickled to death by it. We spent the July 4th holiday down at the beach as a family (this was when we got engaged), and my parents LOVED playing in the surf and sand with him, and even just taking him to dinner on their own. It made me so happy that they and Son were so excited to spend time together.

    I just wish his mom could see it that way.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_baby-mama-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:8aea7b5f-7f9e-4c0a-be7b-db8b4f66378dPost:6d5b401d-2827-4be8-9c2d-1456f65b6581">Re: Baby-Mama Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a little experience with this (I have a daughter, FI has a daughter but none together). A little advice, this is NOT coming from the kid. Children are like parrots and repeat whatever adult is influencing them at the time. Another piece of advice, let your FI handle it with his son's mom. I have made the mistake of giving my 2 cents and it only made things worse. As long as your being loving to the son, eventually whatever his mom says won't matter.
    Posted by Pnutbutr[/QUOTE]

    I agree 100%. I also think that your FI and his son's mom should of talked about it before mentioning it to son. This way, the parents can be on the same page, and then talk to the child together.
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    I, too, agree with pnut. I think you guys are doing the right thing by explaining to him what is happening between you and his dad, and what that means for him.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_baby-mama-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:8aea7b5f-7f9e-4c0a-be7b-db8b4f66378dPost:6d5b401d-2827-4be8-9c2d-1456f65b6581">Re: Baby-Mama Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a little experience with this (I have a daughter, FI has a daughter but none together). A little advice, this is NOT coming from the kid. Children are like parrots and repeat whatever adult is influencing them at the time. Another piece of advice, let your FI handle it with his son's mom. I have made the mistake of giving my 2 cents and it only made things worse. As long as you're being loving to the son, eventually whatever his mom says won't matter.
    Posted by Pnutbutr[/QUOTE]

    I agree.
    Kids don't interpret "You only have one mom" to mean "No one else matters. That was said to him somewhere along the line.

    I have experience from this at 2 angles:

    1.) My dad was married before he met my mom. 2 kids (boy/girl) and his exW was a raging B. Lied to the kids saying my dad and mom were going to kidnap them and they'd never see her again, etc. Mind you, my father was active military, so it's not like the government knew where he was 24/7 or anything *eyeroll* but whatever.
    My parents way they handled it the whole time was to be nothing but nice, b/c when they grew up, they'd see who the 'problem' was... and they did!
    Anne is married with 2 kids now. David got engaged (this monday!!!) to his girlfriend. They are all grown up and know that their mother has psychotic tendencies and that my parents are bad@ss. LOL Simple as that.

    2.) I have 2 kids, and an exH who is still butt-hurt about me leaving him. He doesn't want the kids to have a 'step dad' b/c his father (his parents were divorced) has drilled it into his head that step-dads are just replacement dads for when the bio dad is a deadbeat.Not at all true, obviously, but he's a crazy drunk so we'll just chalk it up to that.
    FI has an exW and 1 child, and she's been pretty mellow so far but recently broke up with her fiancee and now is all angry and argumentative again. (from what i'm told, this is what she used to be like). A (the exW) is cool about me for the most part, although I think she harbors some jealousy problems (she's gay, so it's not jealousy over me being with her ex, I think it has a bit more to do with the fact that stepD tells everyone I'm her lifesized barbie doll and that makes A feel less special/important/etc.. and potentially jealousy over the happy relationship we are both in and she's relationship hopping for the first time in a long time). But my ex if a whole different story. He's so freaking difficult most days it's unreal. I just keep my mouth shut in front of the kids, cuss him out behind their back, and encourage my children to see the blessings they have in the form of MANY relatives who love them dearly. Not every child is so lucky as to have extra grandparents, right?!
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    We've dealt with this a lot. DF has a 7 year old son that he has always had full custody of. Little boy loves me to pieces because I've always been there and he doesn't remember a time when his dad and I weren't together (we started dating when he was 2). He sees his bio mom 64 hours every month and she always, from the beginning, has had something nasty to say about me or my family and how we're nothing to him. Lucky for us he's never really believed her. He always questions what she says and he usually brings it up to us and we correct him without bashing his biomom. I'd say keep talking to him and he'll eventually, when he's old enough, will be able to make up his own mind about you and about his mother. We've a,ways told my future SS that he is so lucky that he has so many people that love him and btw, he absolutely adores my family and they adore him. SS is my parents only grandchild too, so I felt it was important that they get some recognition too.
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    Thanks again, Ladies. This support is completely appreciated, and it takes a lot of stress off my shoulders knowing that I'm not going crazy for thinking this!
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    You are not crazy, my FI ex-wife has done the same thing only to extremes.. I have actually had to take a stalking restraining order out against her. His oldest daughter(13) adores me and loves being at our house his other daughter(9) although I love them both, is a terror. She does everything possible to make the visits to our house terrible. Just remember its not you, it is the fact that his mom has unresolved issues with the breakup and if you werent the one, she would be doing this to someone else. She thinks that if she can drive a wedge between the child and his father that it will eventually drive a wedge between the two of you. FI and I have been in couples counseling for over two years now just to be able to cope with the issues that comes from his ex. Stay strong and stick together!
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