May 2013 Weddings

Options

So my mom basically flipped out on me last night when I was at work when she called.  Basically something money related came up that they were paying for for my sister and refused to ever pay for for me.  So she flipped out saying how I was lucky they pay for anything and how they pay for my apartment and my food and just deposited money into my bank account.  Actually, they pay for the same for my sister.  And the check was the refund from my school and had my name on it, I was going to use it for rent/bills/food.  I told her I had to get back to work and wasn't going to discuss this anymore and she threatened me to not start with her and hung up.

I thought it was over til this morning when she called again.  This time she basically told me I was rude and they were refinancing the house to pay for my wedding.  I've never been told that seeing as how my dad said it was to pay for my sister and I both being in school at the same time.  She then goes on to say how I'm lucky they didn't just tell us to elope and how they pay for everything and I'm a horrible person basically.  Plus about the thing they were paying for for my sister?  It's not like I'm good enough to get into it anyway according to her.  

Honestly if we didn't already have deposits down we would just elope.  But we have deposits down for the cake and venue and photographer.  I don't know what to do because she's still taking over (like she's already talked to the florist about what she wants for flowers and bouquets and stuff).  There is no middle ground with her.  Any ideas what to do?  
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Re: Options

  • Maybe you can offer to reduce the guest list count to make it easier on them. (Im sure a lot of guests are guests they're inviting, not you).  

    "Since I don't want to take your offerings for granted, lets reduce the guest count to ___ and only invite immediate friends and family"
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  • I absolutely hate when anyone throws money into people's faces like that. I would be livid if that happened to me. Talk with your parents together. I know the saying if there paying let them but this is your wedding day not there's I'm sure you didn't ask them to mortgage the house for it. Let them know your feelings and opinions.
  • Tough situation. First, don't compare what they do for you and what they do for your sister. My Mom has always done for my brother and sister more than me because "they need her and I've always been so independent" (so my mom says). That's life I guess, no parent-child relationship is created equal. Second, seems like your parents may be having financial difficulty but instead of talking to you like mature adults, are taking it out on you. Don't let it get to you, weddings can be super stressful. I say just give her some time then speak with her again. It'll all work out.
  • Mixing money and family blow. FI parents are only giving us moeny because "they want it to be fair" and give us what they gave FI brother for his wedding. If it wern't for that we wouldn't see I dime from them.
    I would tell her you are sorry that you were unaware of the burden being placed on them and ask her what she would like done. Mama's idea about asking her if she would like to reduce the guest list is good, might make her realise who's demands she is actually paying for..
    Take a deep breath and hang in there!  FMIL is pissed off one day and then sweet as sugar the next..

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  • I realize they'll never treat my sister and I the same.  That's fine.  It's just when they start pulling out financial stuff like this it's hard.  The money on that check from the school was what was left over after my scholarships and loans paid for everything.  

    I tried to cut the guest list, but got yelled at.  I'm a little scared to try that again.  They feel like my sister's friends and their entire families need to be invited so there's not much budging in the guest department.  If I cut my side, they add more to theirs.  Just like with anything I do to try and save money, it never quite works out right with my mom because she "doesn't want my wedding to be tacky".  Which is nice.  But I can decide that on my own.  

    It's just hard because she does this everytime something comes up.  I realize money's tight.  I'm paying for certain things on my own because I want them a certain way.  Part of me is scared if I don't do what she wants, then she'll pull funding and there won't be a wedding, and she'll demand repayment of all the deposits they'll lose.  

    I would just love to have a conversation with my mom that doesn't end with her screaming at me that I'm a horrible person and it's my fault they're having problems.  The next time we talk she'll deny every yelling or saying that and make it seem like it was all my fault.  
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  • WOW. I wonder what you mom is really mad for. Sounds like she is taking a lot of frustration out on you and seems like there is somethign deeper.
    FMIL does that to FI all the time... It's not pretty to watch :(
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  • In Response to Re: Options:
     I realize money's tight.  I'm paying for certain things on my own because I want them a certain way.  Part of me is scared if I don't do what she wants, then she'll pull funding and there won't be a wedding, and she'll demand repayment of all the deposits they'll lose.   
    Posted by Annas2013
    That's a decision only you and FI can make, and unfortunately with people like your mom- it sounds like she has a desperate need for control and there's absolutely no way you can come to a happy medium. You just might have to put out more money just so you can stay a bit more sane, even if you'll eat more of it if she wants that money back. You also might want to rethink your relationship with her anyway because that's not how a real parent treats their children.
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  • Im sorry you're having to go through all that. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. I have no words of wisdom to help here, only support. You may have to have a heart to heart with FI and see if this is something you're willing to take on in the event they pull out. That way you have a backup plan in place if they do.
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  • I'm going to sounds like an arse hole here, but I'm sorry.

    You and your FI should be planning for a wedding that the TWO of you can afford. Not what your parents can afford. If parents/relatives offer to help pay for something, than that is a bonus.

    Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer.
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  • I mean they offered originally, so we accepted.  Had this not been something that didn't involve the wedding originally I wouldn't have minded.  

    You don't sound like an arse.  You gave your opinion.  And I realize that to some people we should pay for our own wedding.  But this is how it is where I'm from, and it's what my parents wanted.  And originally, giving up some control was worth it for a wedding that we honestly couldn't afford currently.  But it's not okay when my mom starts dragging wedding things into conversations that didn't even have anything to do with it.  

    I'm more concerned about the whole my mom flipping out over crap that's not my fault than I am about the wedding thing.  
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  • Paying for your wedding doesn't mean she needs to treat you like that. It's not healthy- for you or her.
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