May 2013 Weddings

Wedding Stress getting to me.

This is going to be a long vent but I dont really have anyone else to vent to so here goes.

The wedding is getting to me, I keep trying to make everyone happy & the more  I keep doing the more they are asking.

I have had a VERY rocky past with my parents, especially over the last year. We are really trying to work things out, they have offered to help with the wedding & we graciously accepted. We had April 20th all picked out, venue booked, & some vendors as well, this was when I was not in speaking terms with my parents. Over the past few months they reached out to me and I accepted & things have been much better. April 20th didnt work for them since my sister would be in the middle of exams & could very well not be able to attend the wedding (her university has exams 7 days a week and exams go till 10 pm every day). That is fair, I would be upset if my sister wasnt able to come. There wasnt any other days available at the venue we booked that would work for us. And also, my parents claimed the venue was too small for the amount of people they wanted to invite. So we have to look for a new venue. Sure

FI & I can put together a guest list of 60 people TOGETHER. My parents said they need atleast another 100. I have a big family sure, but they think they need to invite everyone whose ever invited them to a wedding. Sure.

FI's best friend/best man is a rower, & he will be in Australia if all goes will all of May & June for a championship, my FI really wants him there, rightfully, so anything past EARLY May does not work. Okay sure, May 4th it is. I start calling around venue after venue trying to find one I like & that my parents deem fit (they are very picky) & that has our date available. Most are booked other i am not interested in.

I find my current venue, FALL IN LOVE WITH IT over pictures, go see it in person & love it.  FI loves it. They have our day available. YAY! Ask my parents to see it, they say they like it - then my dad goes home & tells me he doesnt like the hardwood floors - they are too dull apparently. The windows arent nice enough. REALLY? So I send the event planner an email asking if they can polish the floors before the wedding, she hasnt gotten back to me yet.

In the meantime, my dad starts looking for more venues - his office had a christmas party at this venue & he liked it so he emails them. They get back to him & they dont have may 4th available but they do have june 29th, which is my FI's birthday & the day before my birthday so we dont want that day. My parents tell me that i shouldnt be so adament on the date & I should try make it work for everyone. At this point I just break down & start crying. I cannot make everyone happy, I keep giving in & when will it stop. This day doesnt work for our bestman either. 

The only vendor I really care about is my photographer. I REALLY want to use her, she is amazing & she had may 4th available as well so I thought it was perfect! We had her booked for April 20th and she also had May 4th so she said she would change the date for us, no problem. Nope, my parents want me to look into someone else, my dads 2nd cousin or so forth is a "photographer". He has done family stuff before & I have never liked his work. There was nothing special about it, just basic photos. i do not wantt to give this up. I would love to find a venue that works on May 4th so that FI's best friend can come, I can have my photographer & I can stop stressing.

I dont know what to do. Thanks to whomever read that - it was long & pointless but I had to get it out. Has the stress gotten to anyone else? How do I keep everyone happy, get what I want atleast some of the times & not be completely stressed out? I'm thinking its not possible. 

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Re: Wedding Stress getting to me.

  • How much are they putting towards the wedding? Are they posting for anything in particular. I'd say if they are paying for 100 of it, its definitely going to be mire difficult, but if they are only posting for some or only particular parts, you should most certainly be aloud to have a say not that you shouldn't even if they are paying for it all, afterall, it is your wedding, not theirs. If they are adamant if a particular photographer, I'd say that you should tell them that because you want that photographer, that you choose to pay for it. I am grateful that no one is making me do anything. My mother is giving us a set amount, and his parents are also giving us a set amount. I get to choose where those amounts go and no one is controlling what I do. Except my Fi... He's more traditional, where I'm more modern so I'm trying to meet in the middle. I'm not sure what to say about the venue/date.. I'm sure someone well have a clever idea. Good luck to you, I hope that everything works out in your favor!
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  • One thing you'll learn in your planning is that it is impossible to make everyone happy. It really comes down to what you and FI want and you might have to have a backbone at times. Or, come up with more money on your own so you and FI can take the reins back.

    Best of luck to you in the rest of your planning :-)
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  • So sorry that you're upset. We were kind of going through some things with controlling people until we were reminded that it is OUR day. So we ditched an at home wedding for Vegas with parents, siblings, our daughters and our best friends ONLY. In your case since your parents are paying it will be difficult to have it the way you want but you have to speak up for yourself. What does your FI say about all of this?
  • I'm sorry for any typos, I sent that from my phone.. Im not sure why paying was changed to posting.. And for whatever reason it doesn't let me post characters like a percentage sign....... Sigh..
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  • I think we all have WR stress from time to time. You can't please everyone... You have to do what makes you and your FI happy. This is why we decided for a DW. About your photographer that is you and your FI choice if she is who you both want DON'T change it. You have to think about the deposits you will be out of. Now about the venue it is stressful trying to find one that has everything you all want... When your dad said he didn't like the venue because of the floors and walls seems like he was looking for something that was wrong with it. To be honest every wedding I have been too I never looked at the floor. The walls if they bother him that bad then maybe you should discuss draping. At the end of the day you have to remember this is a day for you and your FI and it's YOUR wedding no one else's...GL hope it gets better.
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  • Winnertag1Winnertag1 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited June 2012
    Thank you ladies!

    My parents are paying for a big chunk, probably about 80%. I have said I would pay for my photographer myself, & they still keep telling me to go look at his work etc, even though they have looked at her work & said they have both liked it. My parents guest list is going to account for more than 50% of the entire guestlist, probably closer to 70%. We could do it much smaller & without their money but they are adament that they get to invite who they want. My dad is also very particular about everything. This isnt to brag, but my parents are well off but my dad also always wants to make the best impression on people, hes always looking to out class/out shine everyone else & I am one of those things he uses, this comes with a pricetag. 

    FI is trying to be supportive, he is very appreciative of the fact that my parents are going to be paying for most of the wedding so he feels like we shouldnt be over demandy and should take my parents opinions into consideration. He wants me to get what I want but he also wants to keep my parents happy, which I can understand. It was really stressful for him when i wasnt in speaking terms with my parents and I think he worries that one thing will lead to another and we will end up in the same situation we were before with my parents. 

    Saltz -  exactly. In the end i need to realize that I get to be with FI, sacrifrices will have to be made along the way. 

    I really do appreciate every one of your reading and responding to my post, thank you. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_wedding-stress-getting-to-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:c02742f5-3336-495a-bbf7-ece3c97db2b4Post:7b4b233d-f979-4f84-aa7a-9ae50fa960ad">Re: Wedding Stress getting to me.</a>:
    [QUOTE] My dad is also very particular about everything. This isnt to brag, but my parents are well off but <strong>my dad also always wants to make the best impression on people, hes always looking to out class/out shine everyone else</strong> <strong>& I am one of those things he uses, this comes with a pricetag.   </strong>
    Posted by DileniN[/QUOTE]
    Oh boy.<div>
    </div><div>I think this is SO wrong for a parent to do to their child. </div><div>
    </div><div>This makes me want to tell you to screw them all and not give them that satisfaction. But of course, that's completely up to you.</div>
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  • it's tricky allowing someone to help pay b/c that gives them stake in how it turns out. I'm actually very relieved that we've chosen to pay for our wedding ourselves (even though it's hard and tight and stressful on it's own) b/c atleast i'm the only one who has a say... well.. me and that guy involved ;)
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  • Wow this is a very difficult position for you... my FI's parents tried to be very controlling, but we refused their money.  Now when they try to control, we can just say that they are not paying, so they do not get the ultimate decision.

    This is probably an over simplification, but I think you have two choices here.  You can either allow your parents to pay and give up your control, or you can pay and have the wedding that you want.  If  you pay for specific things, like the photographer, then you get to decide on those things for which you are paying... period.  You need to learn to stand up decisions you make about the things that you pay for.
     
    It's unfortunate that your parents seem more concerned about showing off to their family and friends than having the type of wedding that you envisioned, but you've chosen to accept their money, so they can do this.  My parents are paying for our wedding, but they've been so good about allowing my FI and I to have the type of wedding that we want, as long as it is within their budget.  Good luck!

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  • edited June 2012
    As PP have said you won't be able to please everyone.  The one problem with accepting money from people for the wedding is that they are going to try to impose their ideas into your wedding.  Remember that the day is supposed to be about you and FI.  It can be a delicate line to be walked to keeping family happy and keeping yourself sane.
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  • Thank you ladies, I am just going to trudge carefully. 

    My mom wants to have what I want, my dad although to him he has my best intentions in mind he also has other intentions. I spoke to my mom about why we wanted early May last night & she understood and she said she would explain it to my dad. Hopefully he listens. 

    I just have to fight my battles but the ones that really mean a lot to me, for areas I dont care I will just leave it be and let my dad do what he wants. 

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  • SRRL18SRRL18 member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Comments
    If I was in your situation I'd refuse any monetary help from my parents and plan the wedding that FI and I want.
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  • Is there a specific area of the wedding that everyone agrees on? Like maybe catering? If so, why not ask them specifically to pay for that and you guys can pay for/plan the rest on your own?
    Jackie (Photographer by trade) & Patrick (Military Police Officer)
    May 18, 2013
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