How to reiterate politely no +1's?

LittleLunarMouse

So Im worried that people wont understand wedding ettiquette and will bring dates or guests to the wedding. On the invitations I made sure that there was no place to add in guests names or put +1's. The main reason for this is that it is $190 dollars a head, and my aunt is paying for the entire wedding. FI and I both agreed that we would keep the invite list small on the small side; there are only about 85 guests invited and 75 expected.

I've already run into problems with this. One of FI's friends started talking about how she and her boyfriend were so excited to be coming, and that they both got time off of work already. She was the only one invited, and though her boyfriends name was no where to be found on the invite, she just assumed he was invited anyways. Don't get me wrong, I like the guy, but there are other friends and family I would have loved to come that I didn't get to invite due to to the agreement FI and I made. I have more friends whose significant others did not get invited and Im afraid of this happening again. How do I politely tell them all that they cannot bring anyone with them whose name was not on the invite? Any suggestions? Has anyone else had to deal with this?

mildlymailyn

I am no help, I tried to politely explain why we didn't invite a friend's daughter. We only invited people who were in a long term relationship. 

cpm1223

Yikes, you really should have invited people with their SO. It was really rude of you to split up couples to keep your numbers down.

You don't tell this person that they can't bring their bf, you apologize for not having him on the invitation in the first place. You arcethe one who is being rude here, not your friend who's asking to bring her bf.

You are completely allowed to not give people plus 1s if they are truly single, but everyone who has a SO (gf/bf/fiance/husband/wife) should be invited as a couple.

cpm1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:7f39020c-e59c-4347-904f-e54d6f8915d3">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am no help,<strong> I tried to politely explain why we didn't invite a friend's daughter</strong>. :( We only invited people who were in a long term relationship. 
Posted by mildlymailyn[/QUOTE]

See thats different though. Its a friends daughter, not her SO. It wasn't rude of you to not invite the daughter, but it would have been rude if you didn't invite her SO (if she has one)

vineyard12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:d4e10498-2013-4343-ad3f-3ee0f3745b58">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes, you really should have invited people with their SO. It was really rude of you to split up couples to keep your numbers down. You don't tell this person that they can't bring their bf, you apologize for not having him on the invitation in the first place. You arcethe one who is being rude here, not your friend who's asking to bring her bf. You are completely allowed to not give people plus 1s if they are truly single, but everyone who has a SO (gf/bf/fiance/husband/wife) should be invited as a couple.
Posted by cpm1223[/QUOTE]

I have to agree with this, and no matter how long the've been together. You don't have to invite children (we didn't), but we made sure that anyone that had an SO that both got the invite. There was a cousin we weren't sure about, but we let him bring a guest anyway. It's rude to invite someone and leave their SO uninvited.

mandi921vh

I agree with PPs, you have to invite guests with a gf/bf/husband/wife, you can't split up a social unit. You also can't be the judge of how serious their relationship is either. How would you feel if when you and your FI began dating the bride or groom of a wedding your FI was invited to didn't seem to think your relationship was serious enough for you to be invited as well?

Honestly if I was someone on your guest list that wasn't able to bring my S/O I would not come to your wedding.

I am sorry, but you are in the wrong here and being extremely rude to your guests.

LittleLunarMouse

This isn't about keeping our numbers down at all. This is due to the fact that my Aunt is paying 35,000 dollars for my wedding, and I'm more concerned about being rude to HER than to people I've only met once or twice. Even an additional 5 people is an extra THOUSAND dollars. That, and the venue cannot accommodate any more people, even if I did invite them now. I would love to have them come, but that is not going to be the case. We didn't tell Sara that Sean couldn't come; he is now on the guest list. But that can't happen with anyone else, so regardless of if I'm being rude or not I still need to tell everyone that there is not room for anyone else to come.

LittleLunarMouse

I was in my best friends wedding as a bridesmaid and my boyfriend who I am now marrying did not get invited. But I love Chelsea and I was not going to miss her special day because my boyfriend could not come. I find that's selfish and petty; it wasn't about me, it was about her.

cpm1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:0e364425-61c3-4b55-a8ec-994ba13128f3">Re:How to reiterate politely no 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]This isn't about keeping our numbers down at all. This is due to the fact that my Aunt is paying 35,000 dollars for my wedding, and I'm more concerned about being rude to HER than to people I've only met once or twice. Even an additional 5 people is an extra THOUSAND dollars. That, and the venue cannot accommodate any more people, even if I did invite them now. I would love to have them come, but that is not going to be the case. We didn't tell Sara that Sean couldn't come; he is now on the guest list. But that can't happen with anyone else, so regardless of if I'm being rude or not I still need to tell everyone that there is not room for anyone else to come.
Posted by LittleLunarMouse[/QUOTE]

maybe you should have scaled down the wedding to actually accommodate all your guests and not leave out people's SO, that would have been a good place to start. You should have started a guest list BEFORE deciding on a reception location, that way you would have had a better idea of whether or not your Aunt could afford to host this wedding at the location you choose.

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:0e364425-61c3-4b55-a8ec-994ba13128f3">Re:How to reiterate politely no 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]This isn't about keeping our numbers down at all. This is due to the fact that my Aunt is paying 35,000 dollars for my wedding, and I'm more concerned about being rude to HER than to people I've only met once or twice. Even an additional 5 people is an extra THOUSAND dollars. That, and the venue cannot accommodate any more people, even if I did invite them now. I would love to have them come, but that is not going to be the case. We didn't tell Sara that Sean couldn't come; he is now on the guest list. But that can't happen with anyone else, so regardless of if I'm being rude or not I still need to tell everyone that there is not room for anyone else to come.
Posted by LittleLunarMouse[/QUOTE]

<div>I understand your reasons, however you should have budgeted to invite your guests with their  S/Os in the first place. Have you talked to your aunt about this? Is there anyway you can include guests S/Os?</div><div>
</div><div>Don't be surprised if a lot of guests decline because they are not able to bring their S/O, or if guests find out you made an exception for one guest to bring their S/O and not all of them... they might not be happy.</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck!</div>

cpm1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:988238cc-dfd0-4dc1-90b5-2170c2784b64">Re:How to reiterate politely no 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was in my best friends wedding as a bridesmaid and <strong>my boyfriend who I am now marrying did not get invited</strong>. But I love Chelsea and I was not going to miss her special day because my boyfriend could not come. I find that's selfish and petty; it wasn't about me, it was about her.
Posted by LittleLunarMouse[/QUOTE]

Well that was very rude of her not to invite him. Especially since you were in the WP, those are the VIPs and should get to bring a guest.

PeteandJen

Wow, that is really rude to not include the SO, they are a social unit and your friend assumes her bf was invitied because that is the way it should be. If you couldn't afford to invite all the couples together, maybe you should have picked a place that was little less than $190 per person.

I would hope to get some no repsonses from other guests that find it rude to not be able to bring their SO so that the ones who do attend the wedding can bring their SO.

Good luck with it....

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:988238cc-dfd0-4dc1-90b5-2170c2784b64">Re:How to reiterate politely no 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was in my best friends wedding as a bridesmaid and my boyfriend who I am now marrying did not get invited. But I love Chelsea and I was not going to miss her special day because my boyfriend could not come. I find that's selfish and petty; it wasn't about me, it was about her.
Posted by LittleLunarMouse[/QUOTE]

<div>It's not about being selfish or petty, it's a matter of not splitting up a social unit. I would feel extremely slighted if I was close enough to a bride that I was her BM, but I was not allowed to bring my BF. You are hosting an event for your guests and not allowing them to bring their S/O is basically saying that their relationship with their S/O is not important enough to you for you to invite their S/O.</div>

mancila60

I would just tell them you are not allowed to invite anymore people due to the max amount already invited and since you are close to them but not their SO you still wanted them to be a part of the special day. They may choose to not come but that is something you are more than likely already prepared for.

I completely understand your reasons and I just think you should be honest with them about it without giving them details. Yes etiquette says you should invite SO's but for some people we didn't because we may not have known them.

cpm1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:1548f8cc-3074-46ff-9e74-89ded4e08d0a">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I would just tell them you are not allowed to invite anymore people due to the max amount already invited </strong>and since you are close to them but not their SO you still wanted them to be a part of the special day. They may choose to not come but that is something you are more than likely already prepared for. I completely understand your reasons and I just think you should be honest with them about it without giving them details. Yes etiquette says you should invite SO's but for some people we didn't because we may not have known them.
Posted by mancila60[/QUOTE]

OP said that they weren't maxed out of #s, she just felt badly about spending her Aunt's $ on people's SO, but this is something she should have thought about before deciding on a reception that costs $190pp!

Also it doesnt seem as though these SOs are new SOs so OP should have counted them on the guest list from the very begining!

TheFutureMrsB81

What about people who got with someone after the rsvps were sent back or that you didn't know they were with someone? I sent out 3 as singles and have no idea if they're with people or not because they are on FI's side and only they were counted. I don't really feel it's rude. I don't know them and obviously neither would my FI. We're paying for a small wedding reception at a restaurant and to be honest, I wasn't going to cut out my family for a SO of someone that I don't know if they exist or not.

I guess I'm the minority =(

LittleLunarMouse

The significant others that did not get invited are boyfriends, and there are only two of them. Of course husband and wife couples got invited together. 

Money is not really a concern for my Aunt, but it is for me. They did not have to pay for any of this, and out of love for me since neither of my parents are living and my father is recently deceased through a horrible tradegdy, my family decided to give me a wonderful, beautiful wedding. I am so very very greatful, and as a courtsey to them FI and I agreed not to invite too many people. The Qualifier for the guest list came down to people we absolutely could not live without being there. 

I seem to be being very rude, and for that I will personally appologize to these people, but they are two very close friends and I would be very hurt if they did not come. What's done is done and nothing can be changed now, so I guess I came to my own answer through talking with you ladies. Thank you for the insight

cpm1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:22a11aae-6e30-42b2-a9bf-3faf0e5423f4">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>The significant others that did not get invited are boyfriends, and there are only two of them</strong>. Of course husband and wife couples got invited together.  Money is not really a concern for my Aunt, but it is for me. They did not have to pay for any of this, and out of love for me since neither of my parents are living and my father is recently deceased through a horrible tradegdy, my family decided to give me a wonderful, beautiful wedding. I am so very very greatful, and as a courtsey to them FI and I agreed not to invite too many people. The Qualifier for the guest list came down to people we absolutely could not live without being there.  I seem to be being very rude, and for that I will personally appologize to these people, but they are two very close friends and I would be very hurt if they did not come. What's done is done and nothing can be changed now, so I guess I came to my own answer through talking with you ladies. Thank you for the insight :)
Posted by LittleLunarMouse[/QUOTE]

So you wanetd to be rude to your guests over 2 people....and $380!?!

LOMLBOAT

Yikes...well I guess I'm against the grain on this one.  Although it's a touchy subject, I don't think anyone is REQUIRED to invite anyone to their wedding.  It'd be a bummer if my SO wasn't invited to a wedding, but if the person is important to me, I would be there.

I never heard of a social unit until I came on this board and it seems like there is some hard and fast rule on this stuff, but IMHO, I don't think there are any rules that everyone has to abide by when planning a wedding.  It's your day and you are free to choose who you want to celebrate it with.

I purposely didn't invite FI's cousins' SOs as they are in high school.  I got some flack, but hi - you are a teenager, you don't get a SO.  If you can't pay your own way, you weren't invited to the wedding (no one under 16).  Some people may find that rude, but I don't.

I would explain to anyone asking about SO that you invited the people you had personal relationships with and wanted to keep the guest list down.  If you have room, invite them after the dinner for drinks and dancing (I've done that with the cousins' SOs).

Periwinkle19

Maybe you and your FI can pay for the +1's because that is really rude to leave a SO off of the list. 

Anyone that had a bf/gf was invited to our wedding.  We invited those that we could afford and made the budget before the list and than planned around that.

If it's only two people, you can't pay $380? 

LittleLunarMouse

Like I said, they are the only two with BOYFRIENDS, but I'm worried that GUESTS that are single will think it's ok to bring a date. A lot of my side of guests are friends since most of my family is deceased, and a lot happen to be single guys. So im worried they'll show up with someone and there won't be extra room or well get charged or someone we don't know.

cpm1223

Its perfectly OK to say no to a guest who is truly single.

It is not ok to split up couples so you should be fine with adding the extra 2 boyfriends and if you get calls from your truly single guests asking if they can bring a date, you can say no to them.

mildlymailyn

Yeah, I didn't word mine right We invited everyone who was involved with someone. 

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:41019ab6-0989-4b0f-80b9-4f44ee5f65a1">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>What about people who got with someone after the rsvps were sent back or that you didn't know they were with someone?</strong> I sent out 3 as singles and have no idea if they're with people or not because they are on FI's side and only they were counted. I don't really feel it's rude. I don't know them and obviously neither would my FI. We're paying for a small wedding reception at a restaurant and to be honest, I wasn't going to cut out my family for a SO of someone that I don't know if they exist or not. I guess I'm the minority =(
Posted by TheFutureMrsB81[/QUOTE]

<div>Because this happened after you sent out invitations you are well within your rights to decline these guests S/Os because you did not plan for them to originally be there. I am sure these guests will understand you cannot accommodate their S/Os, however if you do have room and are able to invite them it is very nice to extend an invite for their S/O.</div><div>
</div><div>We just found out (2 weeks after invites go out) that FI's uncle has a GF, which he never told anyone in the family (he hasn't RSVPed yet). Only way we knew was that FSIL was just visiting him and she told us. I felt bad because we didn't know and I wanted him to know she would be invited, FI called and told him that his GF was of course invited. We have more than enough room and it helps that we have had 10 people decline. </div><div>
</div><div>Because we have to add guests to our list we do not know (our parents or ILs make them invited) it's important to ask them to find out about guests relationships. It's not okay to not include S/Os just because you don't know them.</div>

Periwinkle19

You explain to the people without bf/gfs that the invitation was only sent to that person.  What ever is written on the envelope is who gets an invite.  I had someone pissed at me because I didn't invite her 17 year old son.  I said sorry no kids except my son.  Under 18 no invite.

ladychambers83

There's no way around it, people are gonna get offended, so just be honest! I thought the same way, but decided I'd rather have happy guests than no guests. I understand how you feel not wanting to overstep your bounderies because it's not your money. Maybe you can talk to your aunt and explain that you don't want to offend your guests and see what she says.... you never know, she might be ok with it. Doesn't hurt to ask!
If not, then you'll just have to deal with the backlash from your guests.
Good Luck Darling!

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:5429a1b6-6347-4a16-8f55-c1ac17e018b5">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]Its perfectly OK to say no to a guest who is truly single. It is not ok to split up couples so you should be fine with adding the extra 2 boyfriends and if you get calls from your truly single guests asking if they can bring a date, you can say no to them.
Posted by cpm1223[/QUOTE]

<div>This!</div>

mancila60

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:66da558d-03be-416b-a4b9-38e5b8dc9391">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes...well I guess I'm against the grain on this one.  Although it's a touchy subject, I don't think anyone is REQUIRED to invite anyone to their wedding.  It'd be a bummer if my SO wasn't invited to a wedding, but if the person is important to me, I would be there. I never heard of a social unit until I came on this board and it seems like there is some hard and fast rule on this stuff, but IMHO, I don't think there are any rules that everyone has to abide by when planning a wedding.  It's your day and you are free to choose who you want to celebrate it with. I purposely didn't invite FI's cousins' SOs as they are in high school.  I got some flack, but hi - you are a teenager, you don't get a SO.  If you can't pay your own way, you weren't invited to the wedding (no one under 16).  Some people may find that rude, but I don't. I would explain to anyone asking about SO that you invited the people you had personal relationships with and wanted to keep the guest list down.  If you have room, invite them after the dinner for drinks and dancing (I've done that with the cousins' SOs).
Posted by LOMLBOAT[/QUOTE]


I agree with this 100%. I had not heard of a lot of things before this board. I think weddings can be anything you want it to be. And I think you can do anything you want. There are a few etiquette rules you should stick to and others to take into consideration but not required.

cpm1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:76692696-2f71-460e-bf2e-f49d95ef8fd0">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's? : I agree with this 100%. I had not heard of a lot of things before this board. I think weddings can be anything you want it to be. And I think you can do anything you want. There are a few etiquette rules you should stick to and others to take into consideration but not required.
Posted by mancila60[/QUOTE]

So does this mean that if right now you were invited to a wedding and your FI wasn't invited that you wouldn't be even the slightest bit upset?

Your wedding day is mostly about you, but its also about your guests and being rude to them really isn't a good reflection on you.

LOMLBOAT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_how-to-reiterate-politely-no-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:1244fa61-fa1c-4fcd-8bf0-29a9c76900cePost:c532de7b-9d4d-49e7-9854-8071dc8fa537">Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to reiterate politely no +1's? : So does this mean that if right now you were invited to a wedding and your FI wasn't invited that you wouldn't be even the slightest bit upset? Your wedding day is mostly about you, but its also about your guests and being rude to them really isn't a good reflection on you.
Posted by cpm1223[/QUOTE]

I think being engaged and dating are 2 different things and would I be upset?  Yes, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't go to a friend's wedding.  If I had a problem, I would talk to my friend (and that's what the friend did and now Sean is invited).  So he wasn't in the beginning - he's going now.  If it's only 2 people who actually had SOs, then it's not a problem if they don't bring it up.  If the single friends do, all you say is that you wanted to keep it small, come to the after party, or sorry you can't bring someone.  I just think that requiring someone to include a SO no matter what doesn't seem fair to me.  But again, I'm in the minority.

mandydc0509

Have you discussed this with your aunt? Since she's the one paying, I think she should have a say. I don't know what your rsvps have been like, but it seems like the "no"s could possibly cancel out these unexpected +1s.

But I have to agree with most of the pp's, you should invite SO's. When FI and I came up with our guest list, we actually prepared for a possibility that everyone would bring a date (whether they be married, in a relationship, etc)  and planned around it. This way, the only direction the total bill can go is down

Most of his friends are married, so we know what to expect from them.  But most of mine are still dating, so there wasn't really a good way to "predict" who would be single or not, especially for those who were in newer relationships. And considering we were only together 9 months before we were engaged, giving a plus one based on the length of the relationship would have been hypocritical.