Bridesmaid dilemma?

spanglerwedding2012

I got engaged 1.5 yrs ago and met with a friend  (I'll refer to her as "D") and asked her if she'd be willing to be a part of the day. We were best friends/roommates my freshman year of college but have lost touch since then. She got married a few yrs ago (I was in her wedding), she had two children and i've been in grad school so schedules were busy.

Anyway, I asked 6 girls to be BMs. They're all close friends/family. I wanted to include a few more people so another is reading, one is greeting guests/handing out programs and I planned to ask "D" to help greet guests also. However, I overheard that all this time she thought she was a bridesmaid. I've shared some wedding plans, photos, etc but we really haven't spoken much about it nor have I seen her much this past year. The BM's have ordered their dresses and "D" sent an e-mail asking about when she should order.

I feel so terrible. I intend to include her in the planning (shower, bachelorette) and fun girly things but did not plan for her as a BM. I need to talk to her but I don't know what to say. Should I just explain we want to include everyone but decided on a smaller bridal party? Should I have her be a BM to spare hurt feelings? I have no idea what to do.

pantherRN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_bridesmaid-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:162f181e-9553-46ae-9a19-65c26a635540Post:95d56e67-41c6-4a3d-9a37-7d31796cb75a">Bridesmaid dilemma?</a>:
[QUOTE]I got engaged 1.5 yrs ago and met with a friend  (I'll refer to her as "D") and <strong>asked her if she'd be willing to be a part of the day</strong>. We were best friends/roommates my freshman year of college but have lost touch since then. She got married a few yrs ago (I was in her wedding), she had two children and i've been in grad school so schedules were busy.
Posted by spanglerwedding2012[/QUOTE]

I would interpret this as being asked to be a BM, unless you were more specific.

mandi921vh

I agree with the PP, if a bride asked me to be apart of the day I would assume she meant BM, not handing out programs. 

spanglerwedding2012

I suppose you are right, it was a miscommunication and I feel terrible for it. I was so excited after being engaged and I knew I wanted her to be a part of the wedding, i just hadn't decided the details yet.

FI and I ended up deciding on 6 guys and girls in bridal party, he'll have 2 ushers and I was going to have 2 girls greet guests.

She and I haven't kept in touch enough over the past year for this to even come up. The wedding is only 4 months out. I've been in touch with the other bridesmaids for months, they have their dresses, etc. I  just really feel like a jerk, not sure how to handle it.

mandi921vh

I don't think I would say anything unless she brought it up first. If/when she does, I would say that "I am sorry, but there must have been a miscommunication, when I asked you if you were willing to be part of our day I was asking if you would like to greet guests and/or hand out the programs, I am really sorry." I wouldn't make her a BM to spare her feelings or tell her you decided on a smaller wedding party either.

toothpastechica

i would call her and explain the miscommunication. I dont get the vibe that you've changed your mind about what role, just that your communication wasnt the best to begin with. Start with apologizing (making it clear that you in no way meant to hurt her feelings), and then ask her about the roles that you had invisioned, and if she's cool with that cool...if shes not, dont expect her to still want to be part of your day as anything more then a guest. Do this in a phone call or in person, i dont think a email will cut it on this one. I never really understood why people try and plan who exactally is doing stuff a year and a half ahead if they have many people they plan on including, room for miscommunication or people growing apart (natural over time) seems to be one of the bigger issues with bridesmaids if you watch the boards for a bit.

spanglerwedding2012

Thanks mandi and toothpaste - I'll defintely meet with her to talk more. And I totally agree, I was so excited when we first got engaged, I jumped the gun bringing it up without having first deciding a game plan. It's definitely not that I changed my mind about her, I just wasn't clear and i take all the responsibility for that... I'll just be honest with her, hopefully she will understand.