I Don't get this...someone explain it to me???? (Shower + Gifts)

S0095042

Ok, I feel like a bit of an odd duck here, but it seems a lot of shower guests who declined are sending gifts anyhow. Although I find this a VERY nice gesture, I don't understand why etiquette calls for the non-attending guest to send a gift.

it just kind of sounds gift grabby to me... I don't know. Can someone please explain this to me??? I'm not judging anyone by any means, I just truly don't get it...

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I found this online about the ettiquet: (bridalguide.com)
I can't attend my friend's bridal shower, so do I still send a gift?Q: I’ve been invited to a friend’s bridal shower but am unable to attend. Do I still need to send a gift? If so, how much should I spend? —St. Louis, MissouriA: Yes, send a gift anyway. Believe it or not, it’s the wedding gift that’s not required, although most people do give presents for both the bridal shower and the wedding. As far as the amount to spend, it really depends on your budget and how close you are to the bride. There are no hard-and-fast rules as to what shower gifts should cost, and I’m sure your friend will appreciate whatever you give her. Why don’t you ask if she’s registered and, if so, refer to her gift list? Most brides sign up for a variety of items in all price ranges, so you should be able to find something affordable...etc.

mandydc0509

I don't understand it either... I wouldn't expect someone to send a gift if they're not coming. I'll be watching this thread

leahstinson

I think it's one of those etiquette rules that falls in the gray area. I have been invited to a shower of a girl I hadn't seen in about 2 years. Though I didn't go, I also didn't want to look like I was blowing her off. (because people remember that junk). So I sent something smaller, about $25 off her registry. 

It doesn't need to be a huge gift but if they are inviting you, they probably want you there. 

cpm1223

I never expected anyone who couldn't attend my shower to send a gift....then we received two HUGE C&B boxes in the mail from a woman and her two adult daughters who can't make it to to shower.

Etiquette doesn't call for anyone to send/bring a gift even if they are attending the shower. I think that these people who sent us a gift truely wanted to be at the shower and would have bought us a gift anyway, but since they couldn't come, they wanted us to have this gift. They aren't even family members and they were SO generous, which makes me think that they just love me like family

Like I said though, it was unexpected of them, and I'm sure some other people who cannot make the shower will not send anything, and thats totally fine with me!

I don't know what you mean about it seeming gift grabby....its not like on the invitations is says "please send a gift if you aren't able to attend" lol

klw0022

Yea I didn't know it was 'ettiquette' either....but everything we're doing is non traditional anyway

S0095042

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_i-dont-get-thissomeone-explain-it-to-me-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:4421b2c3-8057-4b30-ae19-8f354e120867Post:445ac738-7b12-443c-b72b-876d9eef5567">Re: I Don't get this...someone explain it to me???? (Shower + Gifts)</a>:
[QUOTE]II don't know what you mean about it seeming gift grabby....its not like on the invitations is says "please send a gift if you aren't able to attend" lol
Posted by cpm1223[/QUOTE]

I just mean by the way its talked about that some brides seem to expect it...that seems gift grabby. maybe I'm just interpreting it wrong...lol

cpm1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_i-dont-get-thissomeone-explain-it-to-me-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:4421b2c3-8057-4b30-ae19-8f354e120867Post:82c422ec-3e42-4bab-a5c1-ff5ea8054c7b">Re: I Don't get this...someone explain it to me???? (Shower + Gifts)</a>:
[QUOTE]Yea <strong>I didn't know it was 'ettiquette' either</strong>....but everything we're doing is non traditional anyway
Posted by klw0022[/QUOTE]

I don't really think that it is etiquette. I think its just personal preference. I've been unable to attend some showers and I send a gift anyway, just because I love giving gifts, and I want the couple to have something from me, it wasn't because I felt obligated, under the rules of etiquette to send them anything...

LOMLBOAT

I don't know much about etiquette (I used my shower gifts because I needed some of them), but in the past, if it's a friend/family member, I sent a gift if I couldn't make it because I wanted to, not because I had to.  There have been a few times I've been invited to showers of people I didn't know (FI's friend) and I did not send a gift.  I think it's really all about your relationship with the person.  Do you want to give them a gift to celebrate this occasion?

cpm1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_i-dont-get-thissomeone-explain-it-to-me-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:4421b2c3-8057-4b30-ae19-8f354e120867Post:1f4289eb-8ade-4693-9d43-f080de0eac80">Re: I Don't get this...someone explain it to me???? (Shower + Gifts)</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know much about etiquette (I used my shower gifts because I needed some of them), but in the past, if it's a friend/family member,<strong> I sent a gift if I couldn't make it because I wanted to, not because I had to.</strong>  There have been a few times I've been invited to showers of people I didn't know (FI's friend) and I did not send a gift.  I think it's really all about your relationship with the person.  Do you want to give them a gift to celebrate this occasion?
Posted by LOMLBOAT[/QUOTE]

Thats how it was for me too. And I think for the people who sent us gifts, since they couldn't attend the wedding, were thinking the same thing.

mandi921vh

I think because usually the shower guests are the brides closest friends and family that would buy a gift anyways, regardless if they could attend or not, but I think it becomes a gray area when people are invited that the bride is not close to. I think I would send a gift if I could not attend a shower regardless by closeness to the bride. As mentioned by leah people remember that stuff.

Melissa51212

I always send a gift if I can't go and got a gift from everyone invited to my shower if they attended or not. I was very overwhelmed with the kindness.

caitlinc09

My mother taught that it was "etiquette" to send a gift even if you couldn't make it. (If you have read some of my other posts, you would know how nutty my mother can be about wedding stuff seen as how SHE didn't even give me a shower gift lol). I guess you can say I'm still hoping for gifts from some of the women who were unable to attend my shower, but this is only because my mother always gave me those expectations. 

I did receive a gift in the mail the day before my shower from a friend who couldn't attend and I thought it was a lovely gesture and pleasant surprise! 

I definitely won't think less of anyone who does not send a gift who was invited, but I think it's especially nice if they do.

To wrap up my ramble, while I was raised thinking this was "etiquette," I now see it as a very kind gesture instead since I have been on the bride end of things.

AurorasEnvy

Well, you could always ask the etiquette board, they never hesitate to shove their opinion down your throat =]

I guess I always thought you were supposed to send a gift even if you don't go.  I think of it kind of like this: for example, if your niece/nephew has a birthday, and you can't attend their party, you are still going to buy them a gift.  Or if you can't see them on Christmas day.  I think it's something like that where you are giving the gift because you want to, not because you are obligated to, and despite the fact that you can't be there when most of the other people are delivering their gift.

LuckyHeather

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_i-dont-get-thissomeone-explain-it-to-me-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:4421b2c3-8057-4b30-ae19-8f354e120867Post:a12792ca-7aef-49d1-a598-7d7aa5c61392">Re: I Don't get this...someone explain it to me???? (Shower + Gifts)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Well, you could always ask the etiquette board, they never hesitate to shove their opinion down your throat =]</strong>
Posted by AurorasEnvy[/QUOTE]

True story! 

S0095042

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_i-dont-get-thissomeone-explain-it-to-me-shower-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:4421b2c3-8057-4b30-ae19-8f354e120867Post:a12792ca-7aef-49d1-a598-7d7aa5c61392">Re: I Don't get this...someone explain it to me???? (Shower + Gifts)</a>:
[QUOTE]  I think of it kind of like this: for example, if your niece/nephew has a birthday, and you can't attend their party, you are still going to buy them a gift.  Or if you can't see them on Christmas day.  I think it's something like that where you are giving the gift because you want to, not because you are obligated to, and despite the fact that you can't be there when most of the other people are delivering their gift.
Posted by AurorasEnvy[/QUOTE]

ha, my family must just be wierd about this. If we don't see the person that day or for one of those events we don't send a gift. A card maybe but not a gift. lol  :)

anyways...THANKS LADIES. I'M THINKING IT MAY BE ROOTED IN ETIQUETTE, BUT THAT IT'S EVOLVING, LOL.