Community› Wedding Month Club Boards› May 2012 Weddings
May 2012 Weddings
New Discussion
Options

My first official Bridezilla moment? Long Vent

classykat22classykat22
First Comment
in May 2012 Weddings
Ok, this is long...sorry about that in advance.  I need you guys to talk me down from my ledge please!!  I will give you a bit of background first...
My daughter (age 21) made me a grandma about 15 months ago and I couldn't be more blessed.  I absolutely LOVE Madison to death however, they live in California and I live in Texas.  So, we don't get to spend a lot of time together. :(  My daughter currently lives with her FI and his family so she can continue focusing on her college degree and they can save for their own place.  Her FMIL has been a wonderful help to them both by offering them a place to live, as well as watching/caring for Madison when they need it.  My FI and I have made several trips out to Cali to spend time with my daugher/granddaughter but it's hard to make that trip often.  The time we have been there however, the FMIL is very overbearing and controlling about when my daughter can see me and when Madison is able to spend time with us.  She always seems to make "family plans" that cannot be changed, during our visits...and we are not invited to be a part of their family plans.  So, even though we may be visiting for several days, we often only get a few hours with my daughter and Madison, which breaks my heart.  I have tried to have a conversation with my daughter about this but she always tells me, "oh that's just how she is...and I can't really say anything to her because we don't like to make her mad."  Up until now, FI and I have just tried to make the best of it because, well, we can't really change people.  
Fast forward to now...my daughter and Madison are both in our wedding.  Both FI and I have a lot of our family coming to Texas for this special day.  I am in the middle of making arrangements to have a child care provider on site at the venue to help with the nieces/nephews/grandaughter during the reception, to help ensure the parents can also enjoy their evening.  I am paying for this child care.  Today, my daughter calls me to ask if I have set this up yet (which I have not but I am working on it)!  So, what does she spring on me??  Just so happens, her FMIL is conveniently going to be in Houston the exact same weekend of our wedding to visit her sister, and they are planning on driving to Austin to stay in a rented house on Lake Travis.  So...her FMIL is "more than willing to come to the reception and take Madison away for the evening and then bring her back sometime the next day" so I don't have to pay for a sitter.  I was speechless...I honestly didn't know how to respond.  I don't want this person at our wedding/reception/or at any part of the weekend festivites!  I hate how I am sounding right now but, we hardly ever get to see her and the one chance we would have an entire weekend to enjoy her, and have her spend time with family she may never see again, we are being told that the "other grandma" is planning on being here to take her and watch her.  :(
I want to tell all of this to my daughter, but I absolutely know that she won't understand and she will be very defensive about my view of things.  She relies a LOT on her FMIL with day-to-day life needs and honestly, FI and I feel this woman holds that over my daughter's head to guilt her into doing things the way she wants her to.  She controls a lot of my daughter's life and because she depends so much on her, my daughter allows it to continue.  
So, I'm at a loss as to what I should do. If I tell my daughter exactly how I feel, that we don't want her FMIL to be a part of any aspect of that weekend, she might very well remove both herself and Madison from the wedding.  If I don't put my foot down, this woman will be in Austin, with our granddaughter, and our families won't have much time with Madison at all.  I am so sad about this.  And just to clarify, there won't be a "middle ground" with my daughter...she won't stick to any specific timelines based on our request...she will follow whatever her FMIL tells her she needs from a scheduling standpoint.  So, even if I agreed to a limited amount of time away from Madison, the FMIL won't adhere to that.  I know this because we have tried this with every single visit and she has changed the plans without regard, and my daughter allowed it to avoid making her mad.  What do I do???
image image Follow Me on Pinterest
Report Reply to Post

Re: My first official Bridezilla moment? Long Vent

  • Options
    S0095042S0095042 member
    First Comment
    Maybe tell her that yes you've already planned it and that there is simple no need for the other grandmother to attend. She can't add people to your guest list...so I doubt she pushes it too much. You can also say, that although you have sitter arrangments on site, you would still like your granddaughter to be around for the reception...
    just a thought
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mancila60mancila60
    First Comment
    I agree with PP. Tell her there is no room to add others to the guest list and you already have a sitter. And it would be easier for the sitter than the FMIL and the baby will still be close.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    AurorasEnvyAurorasEnvy
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_my-first-official-bridezilla-moment-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:50e297cd-8ee1-4c55-8a8d-74e960f18166Post:b93c116b-f9f1-49f1-b1bc-c1f69742ac6a">Re: My first official Bridezilla moment? Long Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe tell her that yes you've already planned it and that there is simple no need for the other grandmother to attend. She can't add people to your guest list...so I doubt she pushes it too much. You can also say, that although you have sitter arrangments on site, you would still like your granddaughter to be around for the reception... just a thought
    Posted by S0095042[/QUOTE]

    <div>I like these ideas.  Sorry to hear that your daughter's FMIL is a control freak.  I know you don't want to upset your daughter, but I'd let her know how you feel.</div>
    photo trex2_zps7ab4e9b0.jpg
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    classykat22classykat22
    First Comment
    Thanks guys!  I know I have to be honest with her...and try my best not to hurt her feelings in the process.  I was able to tell her before ending our call earlier that I didn't see a need for her FMIL to be here and that we wanted Madison to be a part of everything, especially the reception.  But, being 21 and stubborn, I am not sure if she heard much of that.  HA!  I plan on trying to ask her (rather than tell her) if she has a specific reason for wanting FMIL here other than it's "easier" for her.  I also plan to try and approach this with a "maybe I didn't hear everything the way you intended" attitude and hopefully, she will be more receptive to what we're feeling about it.  I will keep you posted on the progress!
    image image Follow Me on Pinterest
    Report Reply
  • Options
    JaimeD727JaimeD727
    First Comment
    I'm so sorry you have to stress over this. It sounds like you're doing your best to keep the relationship between you and your daughter good. Of course your wedding is important, but that's important too. One day your daughter will realize how much you're doing for her. Good luck with everything. 

    By the way, you are NOT being a bridezilla about this! You are being a caring and loving mom who also happens to be a bride-to-be!
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    You are definitely not being a bridezilla! I agree with PPs. I think that you should let your daughter know that a lot of family will be in attendance at your wedding that would love to spend time with your granddaughter, and that your FMIL's services will not be needed. I know you don't want to cause a rift, but maybe it's worth it to talk to your daughter's FMIL?
    imageDaisypath Anniversary tickers
    Report Reply
  • Options
    comeongetdowncomeongetdown member
    First Comment
    i don't think you're being bridezilla at all.

    i think when you bring up the subject to your daughter that you don't say anything about your daughter's FMIL, you only talk about your daughter and grandbaby.  just tell her you already have a sitter (you'd need one anyway for the nieces & nephews) and you were really looking forward to spending all weekend with your daughter and grand daughter.

    i think by avoiding talking about your daughter's FMIL you'll avoid making your daughter feel like she's having to choose between the two of you.  and if your daughter brings it up maybe point out that the 'other grandma' gets to live with and see the baby everyday, and all you want is the weekend.

    that other lady sounds like a controlling b*tch

    good luck!
    BFP 1/19/2013

    BabyFruit Ticker

    BabyFetus Ticker

    imageimage

    My BFP Chart Danger Love Blog

    Report Reply
  • Options
    LuckyHeatherLuckyHeather member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_my-first-official-bridezilla-moment-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:50e297cd-8ee1-4c55-8a8d-74e960f18166Post:4b3a18bd-def8-46a2-a7a3-c3998883ba9c">Re: My first official Bridezilla moment? Long Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks guys!  I know I have to be honest with her...and try my best not to hurt her feelings in the process.  I was able to tell her before ending our call earlier that I didn't see a need for her FMIL to be here and that we wanted Madison to be a part of everything, especially the reception.  But, being 21 and stubborn, I am not sure if she heard much of that.  HA!  <strong>I plan on trying to ask her (rather than tell her) if she has a specific reason for wanting FMIL here other than it's "easier" for her.</strong>  I also plan to try and approach this with a "maybe I didn't hear everything the way you intended" attitude and hopefully, she will be more receptive to what we're feeling about it.  I will keep you posted on the progress!
    Posted by classykat22[/QUOTE]

    <p style="margin:0in 0in 0pt;" class="MsoNormal"><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><font face="Lucida Sans">While I was reading this, I was wondering if your daughter isn’t being honest with you about what she wants.<span>  </span>I like that you are going to ask her.<span>  </span>Perhaps it’s something you haven’t even considered.<span>  </span></font></font></font></p><font face="Lucida Sans" size="3" color="#000000"> </font> <p style="margin:0in 0in 0pt;" class="MsoNormal"><font face="Lucida Sans" size="3" color="#000000">Either way, I think you need to tell her that you really want your granddaughter to stay close by, and that you are really looking forward to seeing her.
    </font></p>
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    dori851dori851 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Hm, that's tough. Coming from a mom, I know I would be more comfortable having my FMIL watch my child than some random babysitter that I've never met before. Could you have your daughter's FMIL just come pick Madison up from the reception when she's ready to leave/go to bed, instead of her being there the whole time?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Options
    classykat22classykat22
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_my-first-official-bridezilla-moment-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:50e297cd-8ee1-4c55-8a8d-74e960f18166Post:6bcd2cca-91fb-47be-ad29-eccc5f450248">Re: My first official Bridezilla moment? Long Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hm, that's tough. Coming from a mom, I know I would be more comfortable having my FMIL watch my child than some random babysitter that I've never met before. Could you have your daughter's FMIL just come pick Madison up from the reception when she's ready to leave/go to bed, instead of her being there the whole time?
    Posted by dori851[/QUOTE]
    This is a good point!  As a mom, I know I didn't like to have to choose a stranger over a family member to help with my kids when they were little.  The only concern I truly have with FMIL being a part of any aspect of this weekend is that she will decide the schedule <strong>she</strong> wants Madison to be on and follow that, regardless if it's what we have asked for.  So, if she thinks Madison needs to leave the reception at 7:00pm, she would absolutely show up to get her, even if we had given her a time of 9:00pm  And once she's there, I know I won't want any conflict/confrontation to happen so I would probably just let her take her...but then I would be really upset too.  I know it's hard to believe that she could be this bad but truly, she has to have that much control over everything.  Sad part is, FI and I absolutely LOVE her husband and would have him there as our guest, if he could come sans FMIL!  LOL<div>As things stand now, my daughter seems ok with us hiring someone to be onsite for the reception, which I have offered to pay for, as long as it's not a teenager.  So, we are working with our venue DOC to see who they would recommend.  Thank you ladies for all of your wonderful advice and support...I don't know what I would do without you sometimes!!</div>
    image image Follow Me on Pinterest
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards