Well, I actually posted some of this as a reply on a previous thread about the most disappointing "no" RSVP received but, I am finding that I am still struggling a lot and wanted to ask for some knottie vibes please.
About a week ago, FI and I found out that my daughter (one of my MOH's) and granddaughter (flower girl) are no longer going to be attending our wedding. My heart is so heavy with sadness right now and I find that it takes everything for me not to burst into tears several times throughout the day. There is a lot of difficult history tied to her reason for not coming, which I won't go into here because it would take pages to explain it all. But, what I can share is that my daughter has made some choices recently for herself that we are struggling to understand and/or accept. The biggest aspect of these choices directly affects her daughter, and my daughter's role in her life now. I just don't understand what the h*ll my daughter is thinking right now...and I get so angry about this but can't do anything about it!! I know I haven't been the best parent, I have made mistakes along the way that I have openly and fully admitted and apologized for to both of my children. I have never put them in harms way, never neglected them, never turned my back on them and have loved them through every good and every difficult moment as they grew up and became adults. And now my daughter decides she cannot be a part of this special day because, according to her, it's my fault she is acting the way she is and my fault that she can't get her life together and is making poor choices.
I know that she is responsible for her own life...and I know that she is angry and lashing out. But, it doesn't take the hurt away knowing any of this. My heart is broken and aches every moment of every day and I can't make it stop. FI asked what he can do and I looked at him, sobbing uncontrollably, and begged him to just take the hurt away. He cried when I said this and then I felt bad for making him cry!
And then I have angry moments when my mind goes back to the other side of all of this because, she waited until the final headcount was turned into the caterer to tell me she was not coming!! And all the money we spent for her to be here with us - we bought her dress, shoes, make up/hair/nails, gifts...all for nothing. I know this shouldn't be something I think about because it's minor compared to everything else that's happening with her and between us but, I can't help but feel anger about this part of it too!!
Anyway, I think I just needed to have a safe place to share my feelings without fear of being judged. Thank you ladies, for always listening with an open heart and being around during times like this!
22 days out and I just want to feel happy right now
