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Pennsylvania-Pittsburgh

Parents paying for the wedding

What do all of you think about this? 
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Re: Parents paying for the wedding

  • edited December 2011
    First, be thankful that your parents are helping you pay for the wedding.  Second, don't stress!!!  Things will come together.

    Is there a way to compromise?  I know that is easier said than done, but, it is their money.  Could you give your parents the decision making on something that isn't really that important to you?  Like, for me I didn't care what appetizers were served at dinner, so I let my parents (who graciously are paying for the reception) choose what is served.

    Remember to keep everything in perspective! GL

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  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well, taking someone's $$ means there are strings attached - they can veto your choices, and you're going to have to cave to some of their wishes.

    If you can't/don't want to play nice with the ones who are paying for your wedding, don't accept the checks.

    If your parents are the type to overrule ALL of your choices, thus leaving you and your FI with a wedding that doesnt' even resemble what you wanted, don't accept the checks.

    If it's something that you can communicate about all together and all make compromises, you can make it work.

    We paid for our wedding ourselves to avoid the inevitable problems, and kept our budget to $5k. It's what made US happy.
  • Er/jerEr/jer member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_parents-paying-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:260c39c4-9240-4200-b8ce-31765ab33983Post:460595ee-4784-40bf-8844-9e383e4d44c1">Re: Parents paying for the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, taking someone's $$ means there are strings attached - they can veto your choices, and you're going to have to cave to some of their wishes. If you can't/don't want to play nice with the ones who are paying for your wedding, don't accept the checks. If your parents are the type to overrule ALL of your choices, thus leaving you and your FI with a wedding that doesnt' even resemble what you wanted, don't accept the checks. If it's something that you can communicate about all together and all make compromises, you can make it work. We paid for our wedding ourselves to avoid the inevitable problems, and kept our budget to $5k. It's what made US happy.
    Posted by New_to_PGH[/QUOTE]
    This!

    We were lucky enough that my parents paid for just about everything, for which I am very grateful.  But they allowed us full control, within a budgeted amount.  If they tried to control everything, I would've said screw it and we'd have figured it out on our own.  It's not worth it to have a wedding that's not you, IMO.
  • LaFemmeRousseLaFemmeRousse member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Deep breaths!  Calm down.  This is not a life or death situation, it's a one-day party.  Everything will work out, try not to stress.

    Jenn phrased it very well.  If your or your FI's parents are generously paying for the wedding- which they have NO obligation to do- they are the ones in control.  How they decide to use this control is up to them.  My parents are paying for our wedding but are letting us make our own decisions about how it is used- basically, they gave us a budget and I'm taking it from there.

    If your parents are paying and want total control over how the wedding goes- after all, it's their money- there's nothing you can do about it.  You can either go along with it or choose not to accept the money.  You should feel free to mention how you're feeling to your parents, though.  Maybe they have no idea that you are stressed out, are trying to make things easier on you by helping to plan, etc.
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  • edited December 2011
    The old saying on the Knot is "He/she who pays gets the say"

    My parents didn't pay for my wedding. We saved for it. They did offer to pay for somethings (my dress was a gift, they gave money towards their parent album from the photog, and my dad did the alcohol at the reception). That was super generous of them. They offered more, but we didn't take it.

    As such, I consulted them on the photog, my mom was there when I picked my dress, and my parents were consulted about the alcohol selection.

    DH's parents also generously gave us some cash. We never asked; they offered. It wasn't earmarked for anything.  It went towards tuxes, which my MIL and FIL helped pick out.

    Other than that, we paid for everything. My friend told me that her mom took over her wedding and she basically felt defeated and was over it before the day even came. That made me sad to hear that.

    Another warning to you: I have been on the Knot for about 2 years now. I have seem countless women end up in a predicament where money didn't come through for them from family like they thought. They were left with a month or two before the wedding not being able to pay for everything. It has happened on this board a few times as well.

    Don't count on future wages from work from you, DH, or your families. Don't count on money that family has said they will give. Even if they give you a check, be prepared to give it back at any time should something major happen. (I have seen Knotties' parents facing foreclosure, IRS debts, etc) Have all the money for the entire wedding in a savings account before you book anything. It saves so much heartache.



  • edited December 2011
    I have nothing to add, but excellent points as always from Kwynn!
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  • CLW102409CLW102409 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Have you sat down with your family and told them how you feel?  I am sure if you tell them what you vision and what you are willing to compromise on, maybe you all can meet in the middle somewhere.

    My MIL gave us some money to help with expenses, my mother/father helped with somethings too (bought my gown and accessories, bought all ingredients and made all of our cookies, bought our cake and desserts and some other miscellaneous things), but the majority of our wedding expenses were paid by me and DH.  We had a long engagement (almost 2 years) to save and be able to afford the wedding that we wanted.

    I guess be happy and gracious that your parents are even offering to help - but at least tell them how you feel and if you can't meet in the middle and they cut you off - maybe push your wedding date back so that you can be able to afford the wedding that YOU want and if that isn't an option than deal with what your parents are giving you and have the wedding that their hard earned money is paying for.


    image Ivory
  • edited December 2011
    It's great if your parents want to help out!  My parents are paying for about 3/4 of our wedding.  However, my mother has been excellent about letting us make all the choices.  The only thing we've had to compromise on is FI wants a band, and my parents want a DJ-we are having a band during cocktail hour and a DJ durin gthe reception.  Otherwise, we've been able to do what we want with the wedding.  I am so thankful and grateful that my parents are able to help us out with this, and we've tried to limit the spending because they are helping out.

    You may need to make some compromises, since they will be paying, but it is still your wedding!
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  • LaFemmeRousseLaFemmeRousse member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Look, none of your parents or family members have any obligation to pay for any of your wedding.  Your FFIL doesn't owe you anything, and the fact that you keep whining about him losing his job seems immature and selfish.

    You can always try to negotiate with a vendor, but are you going to be willing to accept lesser service or fewer hours for the lower price that you want?  I mean, I guess the worst that could happen is the DJ saying no, and then you can decide whether or not you are willing to pay that rate.

    It sounds like you need to break down your budget and figure out exactly how much you can afford to pay for each vendor.  If you want more than that or aren't willing to deal with what your parents want, maybe you could get a part-time job and save up some of your own money to pay for the things you can't live without.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_parents-paying-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:260c39c4-9240-4200-b8ce-31765ab33983Post:a4d0b335-ec03-48f8-a49f-9887b06f3264">Re: Parents paying for the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank all of you for your thoughts.  I am trying to compromise but we have no guidance what so ever.  Its like no one says anything about the wedding unless we ask. My fiances father says that "traditionally" the brides parents pay for everything but the alcohol and reh. dinner.  I know that use to be the tradition and I know he got laid off from his job but at the same time... its 2010.  The economy sucks!  Anyway.. we found a dj at $795 for 5 hours.  Should we ask him if he can work with us at all because of my FI dad being laid off?? 
    Posted by ashleyandcj[/QUOTE]

    <div>This has to be one of the most selfish statements that I have ever seen anybody write.  Yes, the economy stinks.  That is probably why your FFIL was laid off.  You are being selfish wishing he could pay more for YOUR wedding when he is probably trying to figure out ways to keep his family afloat.  Maybe you should take a good hard look at your budget, figure out what is really important, and see to it that those items are paid for by you and your fiance.  If YOUR priorities don't match YOUR budget, postpone YOUR wedding.  Nowhere in there did I use the words parents or in-laws, because it is not their wedding.  Ultimately it is yours and your responsibility to pay for it.</div>
  • CLW102409CLW102409 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    There have been a lot worse things that have happend to brides on this board within the year and half I've been on it.  So you are whining and you are being selfish.  Most of the women on this board are married and most of them paid for their weddings themselves.  I am sure, most of us had to face some sort of hardship where money got tight while planning.  It happens, that's life.  Maybe you should go over your budget and maybe eliminate unnecesasry things.  there is so much you can do to get what you want, it just takes a little bit of effort.  And another thing, I had no guidence while planning my wedding, if it wasn't for google and some advice from the ladies here, then I probably wouldn't have had a nice wedding.  Stop being a beebee!! 

    image Ivory
  • edited December 2011
    Obviously you missed my point.  BTW, the word YOUR is both singular and plural.  When I use the word your, I was referring to you and your FI.  

    Some people never learn and I guess you are one of those.
  • edited December 2011
    His Dad just got LAID OFF. Has no money coming in. Has pride. You neeeeed to consider those things. It is not about your/his/hers/whatever wedding. It is about being understanding and telling them that you don't want their money since he has NO JOB. And the 50s called, they want their wedding etiquitte rules back. Parents aren't obligated to pay a cent for your wedding.
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  • LaFemmeRousseLaFemmeRousse member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    kwynn posted a very excellent response earlier about how the money isn't guaranteed unless you have it in the bank where you can see it.  So you made plans based on money that is no longer there.  Things happen, things change, your FFIL had a bad thing happen and lost his job.  So you pressuring him and complaining to your FI won't make money magically appear for your special princess day. 

    You came on here asking for advice, and you're getting it, you just don't like what you're hearing.
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  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_parents-paying-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:260c39c4-9240-4200-b8ce-31765ab33983Post:c5abd123-c0c6-4d93-be30-83a038c512ca">Re: Parents paying for the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I understand that my FFIL doesn't owe me anything but at the same time... it is his son getting married.  [/QUOTE]


    And your point is????? Correct me if I'm wrong, but if his son is old enough and grown up enough to get married, then he is also old enough to figure out how to pay for his own [email protected] wedding, without daddy having to foot the bills.

    Added to the fact that your poor FIL lost his job and has 1000 other things to stress over than buying you and your FI some ribbon wands, I think you need to put on your big girl panties and figure out how to cut your costs or push out your wedding. The fact that he got laid off should change EVERYTHING about their previous promise to help pay for your wedding.

    And congratulations, I think you are the biggest beebee we've had in a long time.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_parents-paying-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:260c39c4-9240-4200-b8ce-31765ab33983Post:6b1c2f1f-ba8e-4e57-9875-b08d378eb559">Re: Parents paying for the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]*** slm13***   I am not being selfish at all.. my point was saying that <strong>how is he going to back up what he said and help pay for the wedding</strong> when he got laid off.  You keep saying YOUR wedding when it is his sons wedding as well.  Again, I don't need the unnecessary comments. 
    Posted by ashleyandcj[/QUOTE]

    You're joking right?  He doesn't have to back up anything.  He got LAID OFF.  What part of "no money coming in" don't you see in that?  I'm sure had he known he was going to lose his job, he wouldn't have offered you anything.  He's got other things to worry about than your fairy tale princess day.  If you still want that, then push back YOUR AND YOUR FI's wedding until YOU AND YOUR FI can afford it YOURSELVES.
  • edited December 2011
    I surely hope that FFIL can take pictures/DJ/make flower arrangements/officiate still.


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  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ashley, I think you have earned both of these images, which I haven't had the opportunity to bring out in a while:








  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_parents-paying-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:260c39c4-9240-4200-b8ce-31765ab33983Post:9d2f9d66-4210-4c92-84ab-7cd5d817d058">Re: Parents paying for the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I surely hope that FFIL can take pictures/DJ/make flower arrangements/officiate still.
    Posted by dreamalotmp[/QUOTE]

    Well, since he went and got himself laid off from work, he needs to do SOMETHING to pull his own weight, right?
  • edited December 2011
    My FIL didn't give a single penny toward our wedding and my DH is his only child. You're not entitled to money just by family association.
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  • Er/jerEr/jer member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_parents-paying-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:260c39c4-9240-4200-b8ce-31765ab33983Post:9fe8b74d-2fb9-4580-9d67-f8a2885805ab">Re: Parents paying for the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ashley, I think you have earned both of these images, which I haven't had the opportunity to bring out in a while:
    Posted by New_to_PGH[/QUOTE]
    Yay! I love when we bring these out. :)

    And Ashley - we all tried to just give you good advice.  But the more you post, the more selfish you sound.  Maybe you need to reread some of the advice that was given and think it over. 
  • edited December 2011
    Oh my.  

    Anything that ANY parent can contribute is a GIFT to you.  There is not a single obligation to pay for ANYTHING for YOUR wedding.  And it is his son's wedding, so he should be able to enjoy it and not feel guilty for not being able to contribute.

    My ILs paid for the RD, which was generous of them.  They didn't pay for anything for SIL (their daughter's) wedding.
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm not going to flame, I think the other ladies already did that. I too complained when planning that I had no guidance.

    And everyone woke me up to the fact that it was my job to plan. I did it alone and I'm darn proud of that fact. I used my Knotties here to bounce ideas off, browsed online, etc.

    In regards to the budget, we'd be glad to help you find vendors that fit within the budget. On a concrete level, I think $795 is high for a DJ. I'm positive you could find someone who is less. Try this college friend of mine: DJ Jammin' Jason

    If you Google, he should be less money than what you were quoted.

    HTH!
  • edited December 2011
    Maybe you should post on the Etiquette Board about this and see what they think. It may be a helpful thing to do.
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  • edited December 2011
    Look, in all honesty, this is the second post that you have written recently in which you are asking about money issues.  If you are mature enough to get married and start a new life with your FI, you are mature enough to manage your own money issues.  What are you going to do when you run into money problems in the future (not saying that you will), are you going to run to your parents or your ILs?  No.  You'll deal with it yourself.

    In that regard, you need to sit down and figure out the maximum amount of money that you and your FI can contribute to your wedding.  Then you need to budget everything out, down to the penny.  If it doesn't work, readjust.  Figure out what you cannot change, then adjust everything else.

    You are less than 6 months out now, which does not give you much time to fix things.  Start googling anything and everything that you still need.  Start cutting whatever you can legitimately cut (and yes, favors, programs, and flowers are legitimate cuts) so that your needs (not your wants) fit your budget. 

    Do not expect money to come in from anywhere outside you and your FI.  If you obtain money from your parents or ILs, consider that a gift, but not an obligation.
  • CLW102409CLW102409 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am sure you can find a decent DJ for less than what you were quoted.  If you type into google "Pittsburgh Dee Jay" pages and pages of dj's come up..start calling around - if one comes close to your budget, negoiate with him/her?   You have no guidance, here's some idea to help you out...can you scale down your guest list, ie., not inviting children?  Only serve beer and wine instead of having a full bar or not having a bar at all (gasp!)?  Close the bar during dinner?  Doing your own invitation?  DIYing your own flowers?  There are some many options other for a bride on a budget.  Google is a wonderful tool ...GL
    image Ivory
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_parents-paying-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:260c39c4-9240-4200-b8ce-31765ab33983Post:b5defc78-422e-4d88-a69e-140ed92e1146">Re: Parents paying for the wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE] In that regard, you need to sit down and figure out the maximum amount of money that you and your FI can contribute to your wedding.  Then you need to budget everything out, down to the penny.  If it doesn't work, readjust.  Figure out what you cannot change, then adjust everything else. You are less than 6 months out now, which does not give you much time to fix things.  Start googling anything and everything that you still need.  Start cutting whatever you can legitimately cut (and yes, favors, programs, and flowers are legitimate cuts) so that your needs (not your wants) fit your budget.  
    Posted by slm13[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I agree with this completely.  There are so many ways to cut down your wedding budget.  Offer a limited (NOT CASH) bar, don't hire a limo, have a friend DJ with their computer/ipod, etc.  </div><div>
    </div><div>What are the terms of the contract with the Rivers Club?  Since food and alcohol make up the most of the budget, you might want to try to book somewhere less expensive.  </div><div>
    </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    As I've said, my parents are really helping us out and I'm grateful for that.  But in no way, shape, or form have I asked for money or am counting on them to pay for everything.  If you check my post above, we are even cutting our budget because my parents are paying.  You need to work within your budget.  It's not FFIL's fault he got laid off.  My FI got laid off too-he found something he's good at and is working for himself at the moment in order to save for the wedding.  He's taking on other side jobs to save.  We have money saved up in case some of the parent money falls through.  You can't always rely on the parents.
      You said it's THEIR SON getting married so they should help pay?  Well my FI's mother passed away and he's not real close with his dad so we aren't counting on any money from him-and we don't care!  Ultimately WE are responsible for the wedding, and if money from the family doesn't come through (which it will because I have amazing parents) we have money saved to pay what isn't paid for. 
      So as others have said, pull up your big girl panties and find a way to do it within your budget.
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  • edited December 2011
    *There are so many ways to cut down your wedding budget.  Offer a limited (NOT CASH) bar, don't hire a limo, have a friend DJ with their computer/ipod, etc.*

    THIS

    Try to cut down your budget-make things yourself-DIY can save tons of money!  DIY flowers, drive yoruself to the reception, have a friend video the wedding, and have a beer/wine bar only!
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  • jms173jms173 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with what PP have said..  be grateful for what help you do have and know that no one is responsible for paying but you and FI.  Save as much as you can and look for cheaper alternatives.  Is there any way you could cut back on personal shopping (clothes, going out to eat, etc) to help save more?  GL
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