Not Good

mandi921vh

My brother and his GF have been together for as long as FI and I have (4.5 years) however they are 4 years younger than us (21). They dated through high school and attended colleges near each other. My brother graduated from tech school last year and since September they have been in a long distance relationship.

Occasionally throughout their relationship he calls for advice on what to say to her when they are arguing... he called tonight to tell me that she was upset because my mom messaged her on fb to tell her when the rehearsal and RD were because my brother isn't always good with the details plus he has been working on the other island (we live on MV island and he has been working on the other island Nantucket). She felt that my mom was insulting her intelligence by asking...

When my brother told her that she could get a ride to the ceremony with my mom (my brother is GM and they are going together a lot earlier than the rest of the guests). She said she felt like a charity case and also stated that she thought it was awkward that she would be sitting with my parents and grandparents during the ceremony (in the front row).

What is funny is that when my sister got married 4 years ago FI did the exact same thing at her wedding and we had only been dating less than 6 months.

Then she said something about not being able to spend time with my brother during the reception... don't get that (no head table, he told her that)... and she thought that she should be able to bring a friend... She has also stated (only to my brother) that she wants to be engaged and she doesn't understand why they aren't and FI and I are. He explains that they are at different points in their life than FI and I are, but she doesn't understand.

What's most annoying is that I feel like she is apart of our family... I invited her to my bridal shower and bachelorette party so that she could feel like she is apart of our family, and she will be in the family pictures for the wedding (not all of them though). Family is important to my family and a few years ago my brother almost broke up with her because she wasn't putting in enough effort to hang out with our family...

She fb messaged me tonight saying that she is happy for FI and I and really wishes she could be there at our wedding, but her and my brother have been having huge problems lately and she isn't sure if she will be able to come, but she is hoping they will work things out, but wanted to let me know now and not later this week. The crazy thing is she literally just bought her dress for the wedding this past weekend...

I am heartbroken, I love my brother and want to see him happy. I really hope they can work things out, but he has made several comments about wishing he was single... but I know he cares for her. The long distance thing won't necessarily end for at least another year until she graduates...

I just don't want people asking him where she is for the whole reception and whispering about it during the ceremony... not that it will "take attention from me" but because I don't want him to have to answer... the only excuse I can give that people might actually believe is that she is really sick with the flu.

Thanks for listening! FI is asleep and I needed somewhere to get my thoughts out to

MrsLiggett7

My FI is the only boy and has 3 older sisters. When we were still dating FI broke up with me because he "just didn't want to do the family thing". I have a son from a previous relationship and he was spending a LOT of time with his single guy friends. Long story short he was jealous that his single friends got to go do whatever they wanted whenever, and blow their money on stupid crap because they had no responsibilities.

I Fb messaged one or two of his sisters saying that he'd broke up with me but I loved them and hoped to see them around.

Really, it was my cry for help of "Talk some sense into him!" If you really want your brother to be happy have a heart to heart with him about what's going on and where he sees his relationship with this girl going. If he genuinely doesn't want to be with her then he shouldn't be. But if he just bumming out because he wants to be single and live the single life then maybe he needs a dose of reality. If he loves this girl he can't just break it off and then expect to get her back when he's done playing single. He has to remember that.

I'm a compulsive helper and I hate seeing things not work for people. So maybe I'm too involved, but it's worth a shot to a least talk to him about it.

caitlinc09

That's so strange...I can understand feeling a little awkward, but it's really not the end of the world. I am almost 21 and am annoyed by her lack of maturity. Not that she's a bad person by any means, but she isn't handling the situation well. 

I would respond to her and tell her that you will be really sad if she isn't able to make it and then follow up with your brother to see if there's anything you can say to her to help her calm down about the situation. It's just the ceremony and if she really does want to be engaged to him she will need to get used to hanging out with the family! 

mandi921vh

My brother definitely loves her and although he isn't perfect she bitches and moans about things that make no sense and make it like it is his fault... like she always says one thing, but means another and my brother is supposed to know that...

He doesn't want to be single he loves and cares about her he just wishes he didn't have to deal with her drama and bullshit sometimes. He barely has time to talk to her/see her, he has no time to "live the single life." He flies out Monday morning to the other island stays until Friday night working like 10 hour days, then flies home, jumps on the boat and stays with her until Sunday night, comes home, and does it all over again. He never has time for himself, or his friends at all.

I really just hope they can work it out, which is so hard to do when they have so little time together...

enchantedonyx

Agree with the pp who thinks she is asking you for help. I would probably appeal to FI's family in a similar situation.

it's really interesting the way a wedding impacts a whole family, isn't it? I have three sisters and I know one of them got in a HUGE fight with her boyfriend a couple months ago because she is a little jealous of me. And it's not right, but I feel her frustration. She was expecting a ring on their 5 year anniversary and instead he told her he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married and she got upset because they've been together five years and FI and I will have known each other for 20 months when we say "I do".
It has also caused a lot of tension between FBIL and his very long-term fiancee (dating almost 10 years, engaged for almost 4, own a house together but have NO wedding plans). FBIL really started to pressure his fiancee about setting a date.

It might be interfering but maybe you should at least give her a call, not as her boyfriend's sister but as a girlfriend offering comfort? I hope she does come to the wedding and they are happy (either together or apart)

enchantedonyx

Sounds like your brother could use a break! Maybe just a couple days to chill out. And she's probably feeling neglected and insecure. That's rough on a relationship.

AurorasEnvy

Yeah, sorry to hear.  Her comments seem strange given the situation, it's not like she doesn't know anybody by now!

Hope that they work it out, but honestly - they are so young.  I don't mean that as offensive to anyone here who is the same age, I know that age really is just a number and doesn't necessarily indicate how mature/immature a person is.  Thinking about FI and I being almost 30 and thinking back to the age of 21....there is just so much hindsight & general experience/knowledge that comes inbetween those times, no matter of how mature you are to start (or no matter how much you think you know).  Whether things work out, whether they take a break but end up working things out in the end, or whether things don't work out....know that he'll eventually be okay and one day he'll see why things worked out the way they did.  Either way, hopefully they can hold it together until after the wedding!

FWIW, I dated one of those guys that loved me but got the "I wish I were single" itch every now and again.  It didn't work out, I wised up and realized that I deserved better.  I will be marrying "better" next week =]