yet another MOH issue (long)

missmayberry

ok, i have to have some outside advice or my head may just spontaneously combust! my MOH, Lu, let's call her, is my FI's brother's wife. FI wanted his bro to be his BM, and i really didn't have any super close friends, i am an only child, and the ladies i work with are awesome, but when he proposed i had only known them for 6 months or so.... so, i asked Lu to be my MOH/only attendant. She was excited.
 
Well, that was in december... since then, i have asked her opinion on EVERY SINGLE DECISION I HAVE MADE that in any way involves her. or any part of her family for that matter. (their little girls are to be my flower girls too) well, all of the sudden she starts questioning how much things cost, which we already talked about and she agreed to. AND, she rubbed in my face that my cake (that i didn't ask for) for my shower (that i didn't ask for) was a certain price and it made her totally broke. WTF!? so, i couldn't really enjoy my shower because i felt like i was just sucking money out of her.... ugh!
 
anyways, then she all of the sudden sends me a txt that "i know this will probably make you mad, but........" basically she can't buy the attire for FI's brother that we had agreed on... i don't know why, but it made me FURIOUS! i had just had enough... and i stupidly put something on Facebook about how upset i was, while not directly saying anything about her... then she tried to start a fight and i kept telling her that i didn't want to talk about it right then (this was tuesday night) because i was going to my 5 yr old's kindergarten pre-open house and that was waaaaay more important at the time.... but she kept on and kept on and she ended up saying i was inconsiderate and petty and she resigned from being my MOH and i said "thank god" and then everything got all kinds of messed up...

well, FI was mad at me because he HATES facebook, and how could i do something so stupid? ouch! then, he really wouldn't speak to me much, then we went to bed angry, which i HATE, and yesterday we really didn't talk much either.... then we got into it again last night, and i told him i was just tired of her walking all over me and i wasn't going to let her win and let it continue to happen, and he again proceeded to tell me i was being stupid and that if this meant his brother wouldn't be in our wedding anymore he would be very upset... i said that if his brother was not man enough to be in his own brother's wedding because of something his wifey said, then he's not much of a man, and it was like a light bulb went on in his head, and he kinda agreed. then another one went off and it was like he realized that i was the one being hurt by all her dumb antics, and he started being very sweet and just held me while i bawled my eyes out....

in the mean time, i have talked to one of the girls i work with about standing in, because we have gotten pretty close, and she said she would love to, if i wanted her to, but it wouldn't hurt her feelings if i didn't. well, i said of course i did, and we were back to being happy. but, she was still hesitant because she had a feeling Lu would apologize, and be back in the wedding. i said, no, that would mean she has gotten the upper hand AGAIN, and i don't want that to happen. this isn't about her... it's about me and FI....

THEN, a few minutes ago she texts me and asks if we still want her hubby in the wedding... um, DUH?! and she proceeds to ask if we've talked to the guy's mom, and we have, and we told her what's happened. and, she rightly said she wasn't on any sides and said we both did wrong and we need to take a deep breath and put our big girl panties on and get over it... very true, and made me feel better she wasn't mad... then, Lu proceeds to try to make nicey-nice and act like i was the one who was horrible and did all the wrong and she "had a random friend stand in for someone at her wedding and has regretted it ever since, because whether or not we like it, we are still gonna be family lol" ok, i didn't realize that we were on "lol" terms.

WHAT DO I DO?!?! i'm so torn! i don't really want to have her in the wedding any more because i want to show her that i won't be walked all over. but, i know FI will want me to just take her back and pretend nothing happened.... but, i really would love to have my friend be in it, because she really would make it about me, and care about my decisions... she really has been supportive from the get-go... and honestly, i should have just asked her in the beginning.. but hindsight is always 20/20

anyways... any suggestions would be amazing...

i have cried myself to sleep two nights in a row, and i really can't handle another... plus, now i have a HUGE zit on my chin from stressing out AND i'm getting the feeling of a UTI.... i really just want all this to be over and i just want to be married. and thankfully, FI said the same thing last night... i really love this man.... i just want his SIL to quit being dumb....

ok, end vent... TIA girls...

caitlinc09

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this so close to the wedding! I have been in a somewhat similar situation, so let me tell you my story. 

FI and I got engaged in August and I asked my sister to be MOH, my best friend who I speak to every single day to be a BM, and then my oldest friend (we'll call her S) to be another BM. S and I had a long and weird friendship history, but I thought it was the "right" thing to do to ask your longest friends to be in your wedding, even though in the last couple of years she's been a pretty big flake and selfish. I assumed when it came to wedding stuff she would change and be there for me and put me first, etc. 

Well, of course, she didn't actually clean up her act for the wedding and was acting even more selfish and hurtful than before. I was so upset about this that I was considering asking her to step down and ask another college friend to take her place, whom I'd actually considered adding as another BM to begin with but we were already uneven number wise with a GM passing away and I felt that it would be weird to have another girl up there. 

To shorten the story, FI confronted S about being a crappy BM and she bit his head off and was a huge B like unbelievably rude. She said some of the most hurtful things ever and even said that she was never supportive of our relationship to begin with she just liked weddings. Well, obviously, that was it, and I asked her to step down. 

I toyed with the idea of asking this other friend to take her place but was uncertain for awhile. Finally I did ask her and she was estatic and so happy to be joining and I felt great because I knew I should have asked her to do it in the first place - as you said, hindsight is 20/20.

Well unfortunately that really isn't the case. She definitely isn't horrible like S was, but she doesn't really make time for me as a friend anymore at all. Everyone is busy and I get that, but unless it's wedding related and "she has to be there" she won't see me at all. I'm still hurt by this and I'm not sure what to do.

Basically to sum this entire long response up, I wish I hadn't asked the other girl to replace her because it hasn't helped much. I wish I had just kept it to my MOH and other original BM because I know they support me and make time for me. 

Your situation is a little different because you only have one attendant so I can understand you wanting someone to step up and be there. But at the same time, since this FSIL of yours is acting nuts, maybe it is better to just have your work friend up there instead. 

And you know what, in 20 years when you look back at your photos and you don't talk to this friend anymore, if you were happy on the day that she was there for you then that is what matters, even if she was "random". 

Sorry I didn't really give you a definitve answer, I just thought sharing what happened to me might help give you a different perspective. Good luck!

lag05

Bottom line: This day is not about her. It is about you and your FI.

Personally, I would have the friend stand in the wedding, since this girl already resigned as MOH. If she wants to be involved, maybe give her something else to do, like hand out programs or read something.

missmayberry

oh geez! now my FI just called me on his lunch and i told him what happened and he said, "well that settles it, she's back in... i don't want some other girl in our wedding pictures. i want family in them..." so, i guess i don't have much of a choice but to suck it up and do it... i mean, we were both wrong. and she sort of acknowledged that. but, i WILL make it known to her that this is OUR day, not hers, and any snide comments or remarks she may have need to be kept to herself... why does one of the happiest days in someone's life have to be so freakin hard? really?! i don't get it!

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_yet-another-moh-issue-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:e915f5bb-a899-4fba-a707-88d06ce00e8aPost:3ce77340-f60a-4e41-97de-6f73816a6e5e">yet another MOH issue (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]ok, i have to have some outside advice or my head may just spontaneously combust! my MOH, Lu, let's call her, is my FI's brother's wife. FI wanted his bro to be his BM, and i really didn't have any super close friends, i am an only child, and the ladies i work with are awesome, but when he proposed i had only known them for 6 months or so.... so, i asked Lu to be my MOH/only attendant. She was excited.   Well, that was in december... since then, i have asked her opinion on EVERY SINGLE DECISION I HAVE MADE that in any way involves her. or any part of her family for that matter. (their little girls are to be my flower girls too) well, all of the sudden she starts questioning how much things cost, which we already talked about and she agreed to. AND, she rubbed in my face that my cake (that i didn't ask for) for my shower (that i didn't ask for) was a certain price and it made her totally broke. WTF!? so, i couldn't really enjoy my shower because i felt like i was just sucking money out of her.... ugh!   anyways, then she all of the sudden sends me a txt that "i know this will probably make you mad, but........" basically she can't buy the attire for FI's brother that we had agreed on... i don't know why, but it made me FURIOUS! i had just had enough... and i stupidly put something on Facebook about how upset i was, while not directly saying anything about her... then she tried to start a fight and i kept telling her that i didn't want to talk about it right then (this was tuesday night) because i was going to my 5 yr old's kindergarten pre-open house and that was waaaaay more important at the time.... but she kept on and kept on and she ended up saying i was inconsiderate and petty and she resigned from being my MOH and i said "thank god" and then everything got all kinds of messed up... well, FI was mad at me because he HATES facebook, and how could i do something so stupid? ouch! then, he really wouldn't speak to me much, then we went to bed angry, which i HATE, and yesterday we really didn't talk much either.... then we got into it again last night, and i told him i was just tired of her walking all over me and i wasn't going to let her win and let it continue to happen, and he again proceeded to tell me i was being stupid and that if this meant his brother wouldn't be in our wedding anymore he would be very upset... i said that if his brother was not man enough to be in his own brother's wedding because of something his wifey said, then he's not much of a man, and it was like a light bulb went on in his head, and he kinda agreed. then another one went off and it was like he realized that i was the one being hurt by all her dumb antics, and he started being very sweet and just held me while i bawled my eyes out.... in the mean time, i have talked to one of the girls i work with about standing in, because we have gotten pretty close, and she said she would love to, if i wanted her to, but it wouldn't hurt her feelings if i didn't. well, i said of course i did, and we were back to being happy. but, she was still hesitant because she had a feeling Lu would apologize, and be back in the wedding. i said, no, that would mean she has gotten the upper hand AGAIN, and i don't want that to happen. this isn't about her... it's about me and FI.... THEN, a few minutes ago she texts me and asks if we still want her hubby in the wedding... um, DUH?! and she proceeds to ask if we've talked to the guy's mom, and we have, and we told her what's happened. and, she rightly said she wasn't on any sides and said we both did wrong and we need to take a deep breath and put our big girl panties on and get over it... very true, and made me feel better she wasn't mad... then, Lu proceeds to try to make nicey-nice and act like i was the one who was horrible and did all the wrong and she "had a random friend stand in for someone at her wedding and has regretted it ever since, because whether or not we like it, we are still gonna be family lol" ok, i didn't realize that we were on "lol" terms. <strong>WHAT DO I DO?!?! i'm so torn! i don't really want to have her in the wedding any more because i want to show her that i won't be walked all over. but, i know FI will want me to just take her back and pretend nothing happened.... but, i really would love to have my friend be in it, because she really would make it about me, and care about my decisions... she really has been supportive from the get-go... and honestly, i should have just asked her in the beginning.. but hindsight is always 20/20 :)</strong> anyways... any suggestions would be amazing... i have cried myself to sleep two nights in a row, and i really can't handle another... plus, now i have a HUGE zit on my chin from stressing out AND i'm getting the feeling of a UTI.... i really just want all this to be over and i just want to be married. and thankfully, FI said the same thing last night... i really love this man.... i just want his SIL to quit being dumb.... :) ok, end vent... TIA girls...
Posted by missmayberry[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I am kind of confused by this... are you saying that you want to kick out your current MOH and appoint your other friend as a replacement MOH? How does this friend feel about being a replacement? Just because this friend is being everything that your MOH isn't doesn't mean you need to demote the MOH.</div><div>
</div><div>Kicking someone out of WP is a friend ending move, be prepared for the fallout and because she is a relative this could have repercussions for years. I would just ignore her BS for now, maybe talk it over after the wedding.... if this other friend is someone you want in your WP then feel free to ask her to be a BM, but the conversation you had with her seems like she knew she was being a replacement... does she even have enough time to get a BM dress?</div>

missmayberry

yes, i am already reeping the repercussions.... and yes, my friend knew she would be a replacement and she stressed many times to me that in no way should i feel bad if i end up patching things up with Lu, she only wants this to work out for me. She said either way she will help me in any way that she can.... but, i'm pretty sure i have no choice but to suck it up and take Lu back.......

skpurnell

As another bride that's having some huge MOH problems, I would say that it's YOUR day, and if you would rather have your friend stand up next to you, then have her do it.  You don't owe Lu anything, and it sounds like she owes you a serious apology.  Bottom line, do what makes you happy and don't let anyone make you feel bad about that

deanabuonincontri

ok.....

first of all, it really is rude to replace someone in your wedding party. so please please please dont get a replacement.

second of all, Lu stepped down. but because she is your fsil this is tricky.

if you want Lu next to you for the wedding, standing up there with you for your big moment, then talk it out with her. patch things up, and both apologize sincerely and work on your relationship. this is the preferable solution that will make everyone happy.

if you dont want her standing by you at the wedding, you need to talk to your fiance and explain how you feel. if having Lu next to you will really ruin the day for you, then you have to express that to your fiance, its your decision to make. plus you techinically are NOT kicking her out. She resigned. Just bc she is asking to be let back in doesnt mean you have to let her.

After taking to your fiance,  then tell Lu that she dropped out and while you love her and are so glad that she is going to be your FSIL, it is for the best. You'd love for her to still wear the dress (if she already go it) or she can wear whatever she wants. and she can still escort her husband down the aisle and into the reception. she will just take her seat for the ceremony. that way you will be telling her that your relationship is importanbt (she will be family after all) but you dont have to have her as your MOH.

One other thing....I dont know your relationship and I'm sure your fiance is amazing....but it seems like there is drama with his brother and sil. you have to be sure that fiance ALWAYS puts you first. ALWAYS takes your side, ALWAYS has your back ,etc.

I understand that your fiance doesnt want a random friend/replacement in the pics....and I do agree replacements are bad. But don't make him force you to have Lu....that is not the way to start off a lasting marriage.

Good luck!