Bridal Shower WTF... Vent

mandi921vh

My MOH asked me a few months ago if I would like to know about my shower beforehand or have it be a surprise. I told her I wanted to know about it. We both had never heard of one being surprise, but she wanted to make sure. My mom and sister found out that my MOH told me when it was stating it was supposed to be a surprise. I told them I have never heard of it being a surprise. 

MOH asked me a week or so ago for a list of people I would like to have at my shower. Today I ask my mom who needs to be invited because MOH needs a list and I don't want to leave anyone off. 

She says that I should have no part in the guest list and that the MOB is responsible for the list. I said that is strange... (inside I said WTF!) then FI was there and said you don't know when the shower is anyway (or something like that). He has known well aware that I had no idea showers were surprises and how I didn't want a surprise one. I said yes I do MOH told me. My mom then said that she (my mom) reprimanded my MOH and that it is now a surprise.

I am so pissed off! My mom had no right to do this! MOH is throwing the party, not my mother. I said things like how do you know I will be available for the shower. I mentioned about wanting to wear a specific dress and look nice for my shower because everyone else will. I mentioned about wanting to be able to spend time with FMIL and FSIL if they came before the shower. My mom said you have no idea when the shower is.

I don't know if I am abnormally hormonal (PMS) but I am really upset. I was almost on the verge of tears! I think I am just so upset that my mom basically hijacked my shower. It's not like I dress gross, I do make a point to shower before leaving the house, but I have been thinking about what to wear and how I would want to look at my bridal shower since I got engaged almost 2 years ago.

I have no idea when it is, where it is, or who is coming. I said how will they know that I will be available to attend the shower and she said FI would know my schedule. However, I am not currently working and will hopefully begin babysitting soon, which wouldn't necessarily be a set schedule, meaning how is FI going to know my babysitting schedule a month out from the shower when invites go out? I could land a babysitting job on the shower day a week before it? How will FI explain to me I can't without ruining the surprise? 

When I mentioned about not being able to attend because I made other work plans I said they will look stupid for not telling me. My mom told me I would look stupid. Seriously? When you assume someone can make a surprise shower you are making an ass out of you and me if the guest of honor can't make it.

I am so MAD!

I feel like I am butting heads with mom about wedding stuff because when she got married things were different etiquette wise, she said she wore overalls to her surprise shower. Honestly I would feel horrible and incredibly self-conscious showing up looking like crap to my surprise shower where everyone looks amazing. Or if I made work plans and couldn't attend.

I feel like sabotaging the shower and not going anywhere people invite me to at times when key members would be available to attend my shower.

DianaL616

Yikes! That would make me mad too!

I think you should at least know WHEN the shower is. Like you said, I would want to make sure I was dressed appropriately, etc.

amandad18

I'd be POed, too- Showers don't have to be surprises. I've never been to one that was.

I'd start off talking with your MOH, and make it clear you want to be in on it. Let your mom think you're surprised, but it seems like you have way too much uncertaintiy in your life right now for a surprise party.

If it makes you feel any better, my mom has been pretty unhelpful/ problematic, too. It's gotten to the point that I run the bare minimum past her just to save myself long tirades about how I'm doing things wrong, and I ask her to do nothing because the few things I have asked her to do she's effed up.

Moms are trouble!!

mandydc0509

As far as what you're wearing when the shower actually happens, could you maybe keep your shower outfit and an extra brush, etc in a bag in your car? Or maybe even have your MOH keep up with it? That way, at least you could change and freshen up. I'm like you - I want to look really nice for my shower.

As for the rest of this... since it sounds like your MOH is supposed to be hosting the shower, she may be the only one who can regain some control over what's going on.  You're right, the hostess will look stupid if you can't make your shower; she's got that backwards lol.

Your options may be to make sure your FI knows every update/change in your schedule and to keep an outfit on hand, or talk to your MOH and be prepared to get in an ugly argument with your mother to get her to back off. I'd personally just make the best of it, but I'm a little bad about avoiding confrontation And I've never heard of a surprise shower either.

Try to relax!

SunshineShades

How about if your MOH told you when the shower was on the DL.... then you could show up and pretend to be surprised.... mean while you "happened" to be in the dress you wanted to wear b/c you thought you were going to lunch or you were planning to go to dinner later with your FI.

PS I get the being PO-ed at your mother....I hate when people try to take things over!

AurorasEnvy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_bridal-shower-wtf-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:f0e88eca-d34a-49fb-9164-c22588b2e7f6Post:365af276-0a64-4cb2-8763-1bacf485a323">Re: Bridal Shower WTF... Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be POed, too- Showers don't have to be surprises. I've never been to one that was.<strong> I'd start off talking with your MOH, and make it clear you want to be in on it. Let your mom think you're surprised, but it seems like you have way too much uncertaintiy in your life right now for a surprise party.</strong> If it makes you feel any better, my mom has been pretty unhelpful/ problematic, too. It's gotten to the point that I run the bare minimum past her just to save myself long tirades about how I'm doing things wrong, and I ask her to do nothing because the few things I have asked her to do she's effed up. Moms are trouble!!
Posted by amandad18[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This!  I'd be pissed too and I'd definitely give my mother a piece of my mind if she acted like this.  I'd just explained to your MOH what you just told us and tell her that you really have to know the date.  Everything else can be a surprise.

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ACKHillaryP

I agree with you, I would be SO upset.. I am the type who needs a plan, so I totally understand what you are sayin about all of this.
I agree with PP's, maybe talking with your MOH is a good start to dealing with all of this.

mancila60

I would talk to your MOH and see if she will at least tell you a date. At least then you would be able to make arrangements. As far as everything else just have your MOH sneak the plans to you OR just don't worry about them. I do understand your frustration because my MOH is planning a surprise shower except I know the date. I have no idea on time or anything else. I MADE one of my BM tell me details and then went and complained to my mom about certain things I didn't like to which she tried her best to fix.

charrison1230

You need to talk to your MOH if she's hosting the shower. The bride is actually supposed to provide the guest list for the shower (that's the only thing the bride does for the shower). Honestly, you should just tell your mother that you don't want a surprise shower period. My Mom and I have very different tastes and she hasn't really been too helpful in the wedding planning. Ultimately, it is a shower in your honor and you should at least be able to be comfortable.

COSmitty

Yes, knowing the date is essential- talk to your MOH and let her know she can do what she (and hopefully she takes a request or so) wants to do