Father of the groom...

bananas1309

So my fiance's dad has not been a big part of his life since he was like 12... in fact, Craig (FI) and his 2 brothers don't like the guy at all. He kinda just up and left them with his new wife when they were young and would only visit occasionally. So, bottom line, he does not like his dad.

So, here's the issue: my parents are forking over a LOT of money for our reception of 200+ people, and my FMIL is planning and paying for our rehearsal dinner... both my parents and my FMIL have asked if Craig's dad plans on contributing at all. We've been engaged since February of 2011, so this guy knows full well that we are getting married, and hasn't offered to help with anything.

I know you aren't supposed to assume anyone will contribute, but my parents were telling me that usually the groom's family will offer to pay for the bar tab, or at least something. My parents know that my FMIL simply cannot afford more than the rehearsal dinner and that is TOTALLY fine... but we all know that Craig's dad is very well off financially, but he hasn't offered to do anything -- he just asked where and when the wedding is.

Now here's the tricky part: my FMIL and Craig's dad do NOT speak... and she said that if he doesn't help with the cost of something that he is not invited to the rehearsal dinner that she is planning. This could get really awkward... even though Craig dislikes his dad, he doesn't want to cut all ties with his father, and I feel like some drama might go down if he isn't invited.

My parents have never met the guy either because he's never made the effort... and they are quite frustrated that he hasn't offered to help... they have also mentioned not inviting him to the wedding.... =/

Ladies, any advice on this situation??

ashlidie

Hmmm, unfortunately you need to assume the guy is not going to contribute.  If he's immature, he might be thinking "why would I offer to help when I never see the kid."  

But I definitely see the concern, you don't want that to cause issues but IMO I think it is sort of out of your control.  This sounds like a problem between your FMIL and FFIL, and I think if you get involved it will backfire.  Your FI should do any talking since he is in the family, and maybe he can convince his mother to not stoop to any levels just to keep the guy out of your wedding day.  He may be pretty lame and seemingly useless but he is the one who looks bad.

sparkles776

I agree with the PP. I would just assume that his father is not contributing. Your FI could always ask his dad also. I am not close to my father at all, as in we really dont have any contact. I am inviting him to the wedding as a guest, not really be a part of anything. I am close to his side of the family, and I would rather just invite him than to have that side wonder why hes not there. I really think it would be a mistake to not invite his father to your wedding, it sounds like you are having a large wedding and you guys probably wont notice if hes there or not, you could just invite him as a normal guest. As for him coming to the rehersal dinner, that is an issue your FI needs to take up with his mom.

lodonnell616

I also agree w/PPs, you can't ask or expect him to pay for anything.  Maybe since it sounds like everyone else has things covered maybe you and FI could save a bit more to make up what's missing?

Also, its definitely best for your FI to talk to his mother about dad's participation in the Rehearsal.  The fact that they don't speak is no reason for her to exclude him and if anything she should try to be the bigger person for the sake of her son. IMHO.

kellyeliz

I had a similar situation with my FI, FMIL, and FFIL. My FI is actually the only one who has contact with his father and FSIL is refusing to be in any pictures if her father is in them (she is in the wedding). FI ended up telling both parents that he would like them to split the cost of the rehearsal dinner and whatever else. I know it shouldn't be expected but in this case FI felt it was the only was to ensure that his parents play nice and don't try to one up each other while keeping both involved equally. My FFIL has actually been very willing and a huge help since the discussion, I think at first he wasnt really sure of his role. It sounds like your FI isn't close to his dad either but bottom line is he is still his dad. FI should just talk to him privately... If then he isn't willing to help out you can go from there! Good luck!

Klyn1983

Eek. This is a really difficult and delicate situation. I understand that you are frustrated that he hasn't offered to pay for anything-however, he doesn't have to. Wedding etiquette has changed quite a lot in the past few years and technically nobody is obligated to pay for your wedding except you and FI. 

Like PP said however, maybe he doesn't know what role he will have in your wedding. All of this needs to come from your FI though, you should not have to be part of the financial conversation whatsoever. 

Good luck!