Figuring out the $$$

ashlidie

A recent post just sparked a question about how we are paying for the wedding.  FI and I are paying for most of it, but it's coming to the time where we are trying to nail down some exact numbers from the other contributors.  My mom has given a #, my dad said he would do the flowers, whatever the cost (fairly inexpensive anyway, the florist is his friend and I really don't want elaborate florals anyway).  So his parents have told us they will give us $, but we honestly have no clue how much.  So he went home this weekend to ask if he could get a ball park range...

Well, he failed haha.  They told him they would give us cash whenever, like $100 here, $200 there, like cash, and not for specific vendors either just literally heres $100 towards the wedding.  OK so I am worried about 1) how will we know when the money is over, I don't want to have to ask "are you done or what?"  and 2) it is really hard to nail down our budget when we will be getting an unknown amount of money in several installments over the course of the next year.

I mean, the assistance is absolutely appreciated and wonderful, I know they do not have to help at all.  Any thoughts?  For now our "savings plan" does not include any contribution from them, in case they might be going back on their offer to help (which is fine!  I just want to know if that is the case), I am not really sure but they are being very secret secret about the whole thing.

ashlidie

as an update we have been engaged for over a year now, they told us they would give us money maybe 10 months ago.  They are the ones that actually told us to inquire after the new year (2012) once they had thought about it for several months.

sssdee

FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves.

Both of our parents have offered up some money to us (which is well appreciated!) but they aren't huge amounts (which we're ok with - again anything over $1 is nice!)

That being said, we've decided that we are going to plan our wedding within a buget we can both comfortably afford should either parents back out of their
'donation'. Anything received will be a nice bonus and if not, then we aren't scrambling to find money to cover this and that. Know what I mean?

This works for us because even though one set of parents is better off than the other (Yet, complain that they have NO money all the time...) and the other is 'comfortable' with their money and therefore will be donating less - I would hate for something to arise in their lives where the money earmarked for us is needed for something else - emergency or not and then I feel bad (or they feel bad).

Oh and I hate asking for money - so even though it was offered to us I really don't want to get to that point where I need it and have to awkwardly ask. That is probably just me though lol

Way longer than I wanted, and way wordier so I hope I make sense lol

PrettyInPearls23

The answer is quite simple -- do NOT include their potiental contributions into your budget. Anything they throw your way is great, but it should not be expected -- even if they've told you they're giving you money. This way you're not stressing yourself out about how much they're going to contribute and you're not stepping on any toes (and being rude) by flat out asking how much they're going to be giving.

emilyb213

We found ourselves in a similar situation with his mom a few weeks ago. For backstory:

Prior to us even getting engaged, his mom told us on several occasions that she had a certain amount set aside for our wedding, and she had planned this for a considerable number of years (like, since he was in high school).

When we got engaged last summer, she reiterated what she was going to contribute. So we thought we were good, right?

Wrong. When we actually needed to put the deposit on the venue, there was much (mostly unrelated) drama, and she said she wasn't sure if she was going to be able to give us the full amount she originally offered. This went on for about a month, and it got to the point where we were so lost as to what our budget was (between my parents' contribution, ours, and his parents'), that we finally had to sit down with her, and explain how we were unable to plan anything else because we didn't want to spend money that was not available. Once we made it clear that we weren't going to be upset if she wasn't able to contribute, but we had to have a definite answer in order to not put ourselves behind the eight ball, she finally understood why it was so important for us to know our exact budget. It turned out that she wasn't really committing to anything because she didn't want to let us down after she had already given us an exact number several months ago.

So maybe your future in-laws are going through something similar where they don't want to give an exact number because they don't want to feel like they're letting you down or something. I think the only way you'll get any kind of straight answer is for him, or both of you, to sit down with them and explain that you don't want to find yourselves in a position where you're saying "well, is that it?", or overspending.

As Dee said, we are treating any contribution from her as a bonus, since she already (sort of) backed out once already and we want to stay within what we and my parents can afford.

This is a lot longer that I planned, but when it comes to money, it's such a delicate subject, and there are so many things you have to consider when having a conversation with someone about it...hope you're able to get things figured out with them soon.

ashlidie

OK good, this is sort of what I planned on going with.  Like you said, it is a bit rude to keep delving into their personal business but at the same time I want to know what our budget is looking like.  It's not easy to ask anything, but they said to inquire and so I just had him talk to them since they have a very open relationship, they really are like his best friends now that hes older.

You might be right, they might be embarassed by an inability to help, which is totally fine with me, we have our own resources so it's not a big deal, I just wish we knew that too.  I guess we will consider any contribution a "bonus" and assume they won't be helping.

Thanks ladies!!  And Im glad im not the only one sort of afraid to step on any toes, I didn't really know if we should re-address it or let it go sooo I think let it go is just best.

tanyamary627

My FI and I aren't including any contributions from our parents in our wedding budget.  Anything they contribute will be greatly appreciated, and mean more money that stays in our saving account, but we are definitely not relying on it.  It can cause a lot of conflict and stress later on if they are unable to contribute the agreed upon amount, especially if you don't have the funds to cover that amount.  I would suggest not factoring their contribution in at all! Good luck!!

BCV513

My parents are paying for the venue (biggest portion of the wedding) and my FI and I are paying for everything else. His parents haven't offered anything and we haven't asked for anything.

Cass04eb

We have a similar situation with my mom. My dad gave us a flat #, but we are paying for everything else. We haven't gotten any input from FI's parents. My mom told me she would give us $100 per month toward the wedding until the wedding. Well then she decided to pay for my dress which ended up only being $450. I got my dress over the summer so now we don't know if she's still going to give us more or not! We're just counting it as a no, and if she does, it'll be a surprise and we'll add it to our savings!

lodonnell616

We're paying 100% ourselves, and if we get something as a 'gift' then fantastic...if not, we're 'comfortable' with what it costs. I use the quotes bc I'm still trying to get used to the idea of using a portion my savings (and an adjusted savings plan to make up the difference) for one day...YIKES!

I'm happy to do it this way for a few reasons 1. we can afford it, 2. no drama, and 3. FI and I can plan the day WE want, and can make the day ours...including having control over the guest list.