Texas-Dallas and Ft. Worth

Advice Please? (Long)

Okay ladies, I need your help/advice. I apologize in advance because this will be long.

When FI and I started wedding planning, we chose not to have a wedding party or flower girl/ring bearer. In part, we wanted everyone able to come to enjoy the celebration and not have to worry about taking part, buying things, etc. I also would not have been able to pick a MOH from the friends I would have wanted as bridesmaids.

One of my closest friends from college told me last night that she was not going to be able to come. Not because she didn't want to, but because she simply didn't have the funds. She has a full-time job, but it has not seemed substantial enough to cover her expenses, help with her family's expenses, and then have enough leftover for her to save for the trip down here. She is one the people I have been most excited about seeing.

I had already mentioned to her a couple of weeks ago that if she needed help to get down here, we would discuss it and I would like to help if I could. I was thinking more of paying for just the hotel room or car rental. But now it would have to be everything - flights, car rental, and hotel. Looking last night, it doesn't seem like it would be terrible... $500 or less for all of those things. So I told her that I would discuss it with FI and get back with her.

Here is where I am stuck. FI does not think I should help her at all. His reasoning is that it's:
a) a lot of money - if something happens to our house in the next month before the wedding, we would be "out" that money to help with the cost
b) a lot of money to give or "loan" to a friend - I'm not expecting repayment, but she has offered (I asked him also if I had chosen her as a bridesmaid if that would be a different scenario, and he said no)
c) unfair to pay for her to come and not other friends we invited who are equally spread out about the country, who have all known about the date for over a year to be able to save up, and just can make it primarily due to cost.

After I talked to FI, I looked at our remaining costs and what we are expecting, and it will be kind of tight regardless. Either we'll have $500 leftover, or closer to $1k. I feel like FI is right primarily just because of the amount to get her here. But I was so excited last night before talking to FI, that I think I have gotten my friend's hopes up. This is the one person from our friends across the USA that I really wanted to be there on our wedding day.

So how should I handle this now? Tell her I'm sorry, but I won't be able to help after all? Try to see if she can come up with at least enough to pay for either hotel/car or flights? Offer to help her fly down later in the year when we would actually have more time to hang out?

Re: Advice Please? (Long)

  • I agree with your FI on all points. Wedding are very expensive especially when you are covering the cost yourselves. It sounds like you two already have a house together or will have one shortly and trust me things always come up with a house expenses you never planned for. It's very sweet that you want to help her but you IMHO you need to switch over from best friend mode to husband and wife mode. Your hsband is your team mate now and you have to do whats best for your relationship with him. It sounds like all guests had ample time to plan and save and it shouldn't fall on your shoulders to pay her way. If you and your husband want to take a trip up there later that would be different but as far as this situaiton I agree with FI. Hopefully you will get to see her but I think it needs to be on her own accord.

  • Hmm, ok..I have to be nosy and get some more details. When you say "her family's expenses" that she is helping pay for, do you mean that she has a household of her own, or that she is also helping out her Mom/Dad/etc.? I think the answer to that may change peoples opinions on the situation.

    Anyway, my first thought is that maybe you could meet her in the middle. PP is right, it really isn't your responsibility, but I completely understand where you're coming from with really wanting to pitch in to get her here (because I think I would have been that way, too). Either way though, it's all about priorities, and regardless of her other financial obligations surely she could have save up at least a little bit toward travel expenses. I would suggest offering to pay for half of her trip. Let her know that you did some research and it looks like it would cost around $500, so you can give her $250-300 (whatever you decide). Tell her that while you would really love to pay for the whole trip, you just don't have as much left over in the budget as you thought you did, but that obviously you still really want her there. I think that's completely fair. Even if she doesn't have the money on hand, surely she has a credit card that she could put a few hundred on and pay off next month. She's a grown up (just like you) and sometimes that's just what grown ups have to do when there's something that's really important to them that they can't afford at the time.

    Phew, ok, sorry for such a long schpeel. Anyway, I guess what it boils down to is how badly do you want her here? If you want her here badly enough, then pay for it but if you don't think it's worth it, then don't. I just think that a good compromise between her and your FI would be the above scenario. HTH a little!
  • I think that it really comes down to the impact this person will have on your overall day.  I've had several friends whose weddings I had to skip for various reasons, usually involving travel costs, and as PP have said, it's really a matter of prioritizing.  I totally get that financial burdens get in the way, but I also agree with the idea of if it's really that crucial to be there, you'll make it work.  I had to miss a wedding recently because we had three weddings in a row, and I just couldn't justify more plane tickets, a hotel stay, and pet care for three straight weekends.

    I was really upset about missing, but it's not like it was my last chance to ever see the couple who got married.  Plus, the wedding day can be so hectic that it's likely I only would have gotten a few minutes with the bride and groom (especially since I wasn't a member of the WP).

    I think it might be better to listen to your FI on this one.  Maybe work something out with this friend that you both set aside a little money each month so that later down the road when things aren't so crazy, y'all can get together either in one of your hometowns, or arrange to meet halfway for a girls' weekend or something.



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_advice-please-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:7770aadc-e541-423a-a95e-7e54cf327febPost:500e9063-e01d-461c-b9ad-92d3ea226238">Re: Advice Please? (Long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmm, ok..I have to be nosy and get some more details. When you say "her family's expenses" that she is helping pay for, do you mean that she has a household of her own, or that she is also helping out her Mom/Dad/etc.? I think the answer to that may change peoples opinions on the situation. Anyway, my first thought is that maybe you could meet her in the middle.
    Posted by ejheart[/QUOTE]

    She is living at the moment with her family. I am not sure if both of her parents work, but I her dad lost his job a few months ago and has not found one yet afaik. They have recently (within the last few weeks I think) asked her to start paying rent, but she also had to help them purchase a washer.

    Will add more after I get back from lunch!
  • fallbride1109fallbride1109 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    I agree with your FI.  She's a grown woman.  It sucks that she can't be there but it's not your responsibility.  And more importantly, if your FI is not on board with it, then this is no way to start your marriage off.  It's not just you that is paying for it but him as well.
  • I'll admit, when she first brought it up I was swayed more by the gut reaction of, "I really really want her to be here, maybe I should just pay for her to come," rather than rationalizing it as her knowing about the date for over a year, and not saving for it over time. I did tell her I would have to discuss it with FI, but again, didn't think beforehand about any of the points he brought up.

    I am going to go with offering to help towards a separate trip at a later date that will be for a longer stay, rather than the wedding. It would be a few months from now at the earliest, so hopefully if I check in with her more often it will be easier for her to save for it.

    Thanks for all of your help ladies, I really appreciate it!
  • Um, this post was from March. I think the OP has probably figured it out by now.
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