Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings.

AThrashInSacrament

Hi everyone,

I’m relatively new to the forum, but everyone here seems so nice, and I really need to vent, and to have some help/comfort. I hope you ladies don’t mind.

The BF and I have been scrimping and saving for the last year now to get my ring, but every time we get close to the amount (about $400) something happens and that money needs to go to something else. The first time we started saving, the car broke down, the second time the computer broke, the third time the BF’s School payments were more than we expected, (he’s going for his master’s degree) and this time there was a flood and neither of us could get to work for a full week.

 I know that because we’re both poor (living in a studio apartment and working in the food industry) and just starting out, it’s hard for us to really have savings and that we’ll have money in the future so I should just wait, but I feel like every time we get close to being engaged the rug gets pulled out from under us. I want to be more than just his “live-in-girlfriend” so bad, and I know that he wants it too, but I feel like God or The Universe is trying to stop us or something and it’s so upsetting all I want to do is cry.

Has anyone else gone through the same problems? I just want to know I’m not alone.

 

^ Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings
Our now empty savings Jar. Stupid Flood. :''C

Simply Fated

You do not need a ring to get engaged. Having said that, I'm so sorry you're having financial issues. Times are tough, but I know we'll all get through this. GL!

Knottie_22902877

Ditto everything the two above me said, especially PrincessBride's suggestion about starting an emergency fund. Even if you can only save ten dollars every paycheck or something, it is very reassuring to have that "extra" money around when life happens. Even if it doesn't cover everything, it could take a nice chunk out of an otherwise nasty bill.

It sounds like you are a very dedicated couple to be weathering so much together! I know that floods and broken-down cars and tuition are not exactly high romance, but in so many years from now, these situations will just be further proof of how strong you are together. Don't let having a label of "live-in girlfriend" disguise what you really mean to each other, because it is clearly so much more than that.

ETA: To answer your actual question, haha...BF and I haven't had quite the same experience, but I can definitely understand how it feels when stuff comes up that interrupts your plans. I didn't expect to be going back to school full-time this soon, but I am. BF didn't expect to have to live at home due to family issues that he needs to help with every day, but he does. It's hard not living together and not knowing when we'll make it marriage-license official, but I've finally reached a point where it just doesn't matter. What we have is special and important to us, and a ring won't make it any more or less so; it's just another symbol. I definitely still dream of a day when we can make our relationship *the* priority and have a home together and whatnot, but with all this other stuff going on, I'm just glad we have each other at all. I feel for you, OP, and hope that you can find some peace with the situation while you're waiting.

FreeSpirit666

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_hopes-and-dreams-and-wedding-rings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a3481361-b777-4760-9f98-d6913c6df379Post:cef5a7bb-2018-4bd8-a8fc-089e0d640a8e">Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, I’m relatively new to the forum, but everyone here seems so nice, and I really need to vent, and to have some help/comfort. I hope you ladies don’t mind. The BF and I have been scrimping and saving for the last year now to get my ring, but every time we get close to the amount (about $400) something happens and that money needs to go to something else. The first time we started saving, the car broke down, the second time the computer broke, the third time the BF’s School payments were more than we expected, (he’s going for his master’s degree) and this time there was a flood and neither of us could get to work for a full week.   I know that because we’re both poor (living in a studio apartment and working in the food industry) and just starting out, it’s hard for us to really have savings and that we’ll have money in the future so I should just wait, but I feel like every time we get close to being engaged the rug gets pulled out from under us. I want to be more than just his “live-in-girlfriend” so bad, and I know that he wants it too, but I feel like God or The Universe is trying to stop us or something and it’s so upsetting all I want to do is cry. Has anyone else gone through the same problems? I just want to know I’m not alone.   ^ Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings Our now empty savings Jar. Stupid Flood. :''C
Posted by AThrashInSacrament[/QUOTE]


<font color="#0000FF">Aww, so sorry to hear that. But, you'll get there, know that there is a goal, and it will be worth it!! so happy for you!!!!</font><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

AThrashInSacrament

Thanks you guys. I know it may not seem like much, but your support/advice means a lot! It makes me feel a lot stronger. I really like the idea of being engaged without the ring! I'm just a little nervous about family traditions. 

chigal81

Hello, fellow Chicago-an!  Honestly, getting engaged without a ring is not a big deal.  If he wants to propose, let him do so.  Hugs to you for all you are going through...I've been there and know how hard starting off and trying to go to college with a food industry job can be. 

cu97tiger

If you both want to be engaged and you want a ring, just look at plain bands that are 200 ish. You can get the diamondat your wedding or your first anniversary, or never. The o nly thing I'll say Iis that if you can't afford a 400 ring, I hope you have realistic expectations for what you'll spend on the wedding.

missfrodo

My parents never had an engagement ring.  And I have a friend who was struggling to make ends meet as well--her BF got her a non-traditional E-ring (it was a Celtic ring I think, I'm not familiar with it).  There was no fancy diamond, but they were just as engaged, and now they are happily married--and her H did get her a diamond, like cu97tiger suggested.  

I'm sorry you just can't get ahead right now, and I hope things look up for you in the future.  I agree with PPs, if you do decide to go for the ring, maybe find a slightly cheaper model that you can always upgrade in the future.  Hopefully that will avoid any flack from your family about "traditions."  However, they may be perfectly understanding about being engaged without the ring; and even if they don't get it, they'll realize when you get married that you were serious

lennonkdc

OP- your post could have been me and FI 9 years ago. We were broke, both in the service industry, I was trying to finish my BA, and we were living paycheck to paycheck in a shoebox apartment. I want to be more then his 'live in GF' too, but we couldn't afford a ring, let alone a wedding. 

So we took engagement/wedding/marriage off the table till we could afford it, and started focusing on building the foundations we would need for our lives together. I realized that with or with out a ring, I was more then his live in GF, I was his partner for life, and he was mine and we didn't need an e-ring or a wedding band to prove it. We started building the lives we wanted for ourselves, we both got out of the Industry, I finished my BA, went on to law school and now I'm an attorney. BF found a great company and worked his way up from day laborer to project management and is working on a BS in engineering. It took us 9 years of dating before we could 'afford' to get engaged and we are still having a long engagement so we can save for a wedding. 

The point is, your life with your SO has already started, you don't need an ring to be engaged, and you don't need to be engaged to be working towards a better future together. If you are committed to each other that future will come, and you'll be happy for the strong foundation (personal, professional, and finical) you have built. It might take a longer time then you would like, but trust me, it will be worth it. 

ambrrrrr

hi AT! I'm just curious to know - do you already have the ring picked out or is the $400 just an amount that you feel is in the right neighborhood?

AThrashInSacrament

I have the Ring picked out-

but We're adding an heirloom dimond into the center.

AThrashInSacrament

In Response to Re:Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings.:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings. : This. I think if you can't afford a $400 ring, you need to consider if you are financially able to handle not only a wedding but a shared life together. Personally I'd need to feel more financially stable before taking a step forward. 
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]
I stewed over this post for a full day because I didn't want to just be angry.
first we already have a shared life together- hence me being a "live in girlfriend"
second Rich is graduating this semster- as it says in my ealier post- this would mean in a years time we would have plenty of money to drop on a wedding- and since when do weddings HAVE to be a big gala, it's the start of your married life, not PROM! if I, personally, spend more then 1,000 on my wedding then I did something wrong. A wedding is just a cerimony, if you want to invite everyone to your house for a nosh, that's fine, but don't assume that's what I'll be doing.

KeptInStitches

All I can do is offer you a hug because financial strain sucks.

ambrrrrr

Whoa AT! That sucker's huge! It's beautiful.  It looks a lot like my good friend's ring. She kept fidgeting and they were both uncomfortable as worn separately because of the way they're made, so she had them fused together. Now it's one big ring that looks really cool and doesn't give her the same kinds of problems. I bet your ring looks great on!

The $10 a week idea is a great one. You'll get there! it's always frustrating that life gets in the way of saving for things. When I need extra scratch I always try to pick up extra copywriting jobs or extra gigs on Craigslist. Works like a charm! At $50 a pop, $400 away is cleaning 8 homes or apartments from Craigslist folks 2x a week for a month. My mom did something like that the last time she got married. But it sounds like you guys are pretty loaded down with your regular jobs. I hope it works out!

lennonkdc

In Response to Re:Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings.:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings. : I stewed over this post for a full day because I didn't want to just be angry. first we already have a shared life together- hence me being a "live in girlfriend" second Rich is graduating this semster- as it says in my ealier post- this would mean in a years time we would have plenty of money to drop on a wedding- and since when do weddings HAVE to be a big gala, it's the start of your married life, not PROM! if I, personally, spend more then 1,000 on my wedding then I did something wrong. A wedding is just a cerimony, if you want to invite everyone to your house for a nosh, that's fine, but don't assume that's what I'll be doing.
Posted by AThrashInSacrament[/QUOTE]

OP please please please don't assume that. Its a difficult job market out there and there are many things that can happen. 

You are right that weddings don't have to be a big gala, and you can have one for less then 1k of course. You're not required to invite anyone to your wedding ceremony, but you are required to host SOMETHING- cake & punch, a light 'nosh' for anyone you DO invite to witness that ceremony. AND you don't get to decide a year from now that your upset that you missed out on something and decide to have a PPD complete with a WP, shower and bach party. 

 

AThrashInSacrament

In Response to Re:Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings.:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings. : OP please please please don't assume that. Its a difficult job market out there and there are many things that can happen.  You are right that weddings don't have to be a big gala, and you can have one for less then 1k of course. You're not required to invite anyone to your wedding ceremony, but you are required to host SOMETHING- cake & punch, a light 'nosh' for anyone you DO invite to witness that ceremony. AND you don't get to decide a year from now that your upset that you missed out on something and decide to have a PPD complete with a WP, shower and bach party.   
Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]
Thank you, but no. Once I start planning and asking for your advice, that is when I will take it. I don't "have" to do ANYthing. thank you.

KeptInStitches

In Response to Re:Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings.:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hopes and Dreams and Wedding Rings. : Thank you, but no. Once I start planning and asking for your advice, that is when I will take it. I don't "have" to do ANYthing. thank you.
Posted by AThrashInSacrament[/QUOTE]

Whoa, that feels like it escalated. I think that all Lennon was trying to say is that you don't have to throw a gigantic to-do, but you should make sure your guests are comfortable and fed. And if you're going to save money for a wedding, you should take your guests' needs into account and make sure you save enough to provide those things.