Brother not attending wedding...

lanibug73

Okay, so my brother and I dont have the best of relationships, never have and never will, and my understanding is that he will not be attending my wedding in June due to financial issues, his wife has been ill off and on since November and they have a number of medical bills, etc.  And I live in Ohio and my immediate family all live in Central Illinois, so I would involve him having to travel and possibily stay overnight. 

However, our mother has Stage 4 ovarian cancer, and I have made arrangements to have a wonderful photographer at the wedding to get family photos, over "wedding" photos, so that we can get these last photos with mom.

I wish I knew the best way to pose this to my brother so that he would try to make an effort to come to the wedding and get this one last visit with me and our mom together, so we can get the family photos that we dont have.  But I cannot afford to pay for his trip as I am paying for this wedding. 

Thoughts?

MuppetFan

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

I think perhaps I would start by configuring the cost for them to come (airfare...maybe they can stay with someone instead of a hotel) and approach him more along the lines of this being meaningful to her to see him (don't place 100% emphasis on the photos) before  the inevitable....and can you work together to make it happen.

If he can't swing it financially, do you find it worthwhile to cut from your wedding or to charge the tickets so this can happen for your mom?

 

MuppetFan

Also, I keep getting offers from Southwest to sign up for their credit card. If I do, I get 2 free tickets. I sign up for it every few years. If you have enough time to work with, perhaps one of these scenarios is an option for either him to sign up for or for you to sign up and give him the tickets.

I'm thinking of getting it so I can give the tix to my aunt

lanibug73

It is only a 4 and half hour drive, so he could easily drive it, and it would take longer to get to the closest airport, and fly here, than it would to drive it - I do the drive  all the time to go and see my mom, as well as my dad and stepmom.

My mom wants the pictures on this day, as my wedding dress has special significance as the lace used in my dress comes from her original wedding dress.

Additionally, my mom is coming out a couple of days early, to see me and my Aunt (her sister before the wedding). 

This is my second wedding, so it is a very laid back event, so I am not really very worried about time, because we just basically having a family get together that includes our wedding. 

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_brother-not-attending-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2567fe94-e2e4-4bfd-b719-5b0f1a6e26eePost:69598ac7-cd1d-4d64-a081-836cc4bd88e5">Re: Brother not attending wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom wants the pictures on this day, as my wedding dress has special significance as the lace used in my dress comes from her original wedding dress.
Posted by lanibug73[/QUOTE]

Then have your mom ask.

Peledreamsofrain

Just plain out ask him for his opinion.  Beating around the bush isn't going to serve anyone here.  If he has a problem with coming to the wedding, then calmly talk about alternatives.  It doesn't have to turn into a soap opera.

GoodLuckBear14

If it is your mom who wants this then she needs to pick up the phone and explain to her son how much this would mean to her.

MuppetFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_brother-not-attending-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2567fe94-e2e4-4bfd-b719-5b0f1a6e26eePost:040a0bf9-42a9-4671-8199-33190b833e90">Re: Brother not attending wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]If it is your mom who wants this then she needs to pick up the phone and explain to her son how much this would mean to her.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

I didn't realize he was so close. Is the expense he is complaining about for gas costs? Perhaps you can volunteer to pay that and let him stay at your house or something.

But I agree that you should have your mother talk to him about it.

KnotIrene

It is too bad you have so much extra to deal with in addition to your wedding.  Posters have given good suggestions, I just wanted to wish you the best...I hope it works out well.

MsYeck

If it is that important to you and your mom I would offer them a $150 gas card to come and a hotel room for the night

nextrightthing

I totally get why you and your mom want him there, and it is really sad that your mom is so ill.  However, if he can't afford it, he can't afford it.  You can have your mom talk to him about it, but ultimately, there is nothing you can really do.

I am with PP....have the photographer come some other time, and perhaps meet your brother halfway.

Also, does your brother live in central Illinois near your mom?  If so, and if he has been able to see her and spend time with her, then it seems like you're really most concerned about the pictures and not time with mom.  I get wanting to have last pictures with mom, but honestly after she has passed, I doubt you will enjoy those last pictures as much as you will enjoy pics of her when she was healthier. 

I'm sorry you are going through this.  My FI's mom is also very ill with terminal ovarian cancer, and I know how hard it is for him.  We are hoping she will make it to our wedding.    I just know the pictures we have of her before she was ill look much more like "her" than the pictures we have of her that are more recent.