"Traditional" roles

Salsera29

Don't you think if a husband wants his wife to do ALL the housework, cooking, taking care of kids, etc., he should make enough money that the wife shouldn't have to go to work? How is it fair for both people to work full time, then one of them have to do everything else???

I'm watching a close family member in this situation and it frustrates me to no end that she has allowed this dynamic to develop. She works full time, cooks, cleans, takes care of the baby, takes classes online, and is pregnant again. He goes to work, comes home, sits on his a$$ watching TV, and asks her to get him beers. 

I know, the dynamics of other people's marriages aren't my business. But it's hard to watch. 

efmcc67

I understand. I have a female coworker who works full time, but her boyfriend was unemployed for a number of years. Even though he sat around home all day, he refused to do anything to help out, and expected her to come home from work and do all of the work around the house.

I don't like it, but ultimately it doesn't affect me. She's in this situation because she chooses to be. It doesn't make it easier to stomach, though.

[Deleted User]

I agree with you it sucks but what they choose to do is their business. I know a few couples who have this dynamic and while I myself don't like it they seem content with how it works for them.

Simply Fated

My friend's husband has the same mindset. He's a sexist hypocrite. 

libby2483

Personally, I would never be okay with doing all of the "traditional" household chores by myself.  H and I each have chores around the house that we do.  Each week, he cleans the bathrooms, vacuums, and does yard work.  I dust, clean the kitchen, and do laundry.  We take turns cooking and doing dishes, although he probably cooks dinner about 3/4 of the time.  This works well for us, and I made it clear when we first moved in together that I expected us to both have household responsibilities.  

However, not everyone feels this way.  We are friends with a married couple that very strictly adheres to traditional gender roles.  And they both like it this way.  She actually enjoys doing domestic tasks and he would be horrified at the idea.  I mean, he helps around the house if needed, but she probably does 90 percent of the work.  The thing is, it works for them.  

I do agree that it would be frustrating to watch this happen if it clearly wasn't what both people in the relationship wanted.  However, you say yourself that she has allowed this dynamic to develop.  People only treat us how we let them treat us, and if she doesn't speak up to her SO, little will change.  I would be frustrated if I saw a friend who was in this situation and did nothing to change it if she was unhappy, so I can definitely understand where you are coming from!

Peledreamsofrain

When I read the OP, I just imagined pouring the beer in the dude's lap with a serene expression on my face.

Knottie_22902877

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_traditional-roles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:290d7a30-8afd-4d10-8858-d6ea7979e427Post:d09f9851-101b-4641-a017-5b4fe955e0a8">Re:quot;Traditionalquot; roles</a>:
[QUOTE]When I read the OP, I just imagined pouring the beer in the dude's lap with a serene expression on my face.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>Hahaha! This approach could be very therapeutic!</div><div>
</div><div>Although I don't mind picking up the slack wherever I can for BF. He works very hard and does everything he can to make me happy, so I'm happy to do some extra cooking or cleaning for him when I can. I believe in the philosophy that the happiest couples are those in which each member gives 60% and expects 40%. But it does bother me when one member of a couple doesn't expect anything at all, like they are not worth even a little effort.</div>

Salsera29

She doesn't complain per se...but you can see the strain on her face and hear it in her voice. 

It's kind of a touchy subject with me because I ended a relationship over this. We lasted exactly 2 months living together until I realized he wanted another mommy, not a gf. 

But yes, it is her choice and her business. 

Salsera29

I feel really lucky with FI. Basically he cooks, vacuums, and does his laundry, and I do dishes, clean everything else and do my laundry. I know the seperate laundry thing is weird...we've agreed that when we have a lawn to mow, he will do that and I will do his laundry. 

BostonGIrl4732

My parents were like that.  It drove me crazy because my sister and I were expected to help my mom while my dad sat on his a$$ watching TV, and when my mom got sick, a lot of her responsibilities fell to me even though I had a full time job.

FI and I are still working out how we're splitting things up.  His mother did EVERYTHING for him at home, so he's learning how to do laundry and clean up after himself.  He's been living in our apartment on weekends and started learning how to not leave a trail behind him.  This weekend he finally finished moving so now he's learning how to figure out the rest of it.

For now, I do the kitchen and he does the living room.  One will take the main bedroom and the other will do the office (not sure which yet).  The bathroom is rotated.  I do most of the cooking, and right now we're doing bills together, but eventually he'll be responsible for the budget and paying bills (which I hate).  I wash the floors that need to be washed and he does the vacuuming.  We do our own laundry (though I think I'll be doing the towels and he'll do the sheets).  There's no yardwork as we rent.  So far so good...

lizmanninger

Our pre-marital counselor told us an interesting stat: In homes where the woman stays home, she does 90% of the work. In homes where she works, she still does 85%.