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SO mad at my dad right now

My dad gets SVT, where he can't regulate his heartbeat and it will keep going faster and faster. In his case, because of other medical problems that he has, it can be life threatening and he needs to get an injection of adenosine to essentially stop his heart and restart it.

This is brought on by a number of things, but mostly caffeine for him. Does he stop drinking it entirely? No. He cheats. He has had this and passed out while operating a saw in the basement, He has passed out and hit his head on the bathtub...the last time I was with him when it was happening, he was completely delerious and crawling on the floor because he couldn't stand. He wanted me to take him to the ER but I'm not a doctor and he also can't tell if it's this problem or a heart attack...so I called 911 and he's still paying the bill for the ambulance a year later and bitter about it. But the ambulance had to stop TWICE and give him additional shots of adenosine...it was not an optional phone call.

So today, he started having an attack and didn't want to call 911 so he DROVE HIMSELF to the VA (where he gets mostly free medical care) and they are sending him to a hospital. If they send you to the hospital, they cover the expenses. The doctor is super upset that he drove. I can't even believe that he did it considering how many times he's lost consciousness in this situation and how cloudy he is when he's like this.

I'm not sure how to keep dealing with this over and over with him. It's just so hard to parent your parents, you know? I wasn't expecting these issues for another 10-20 solid years.
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Re: SO mad at my dad right now

  • I'm sorry you're going through this, that's scary. I take it that he lives alone? Would he be unwilling to use something like Life Alert if you paid for the subscription? That sort of thing was designed for people in his situation, not just the elderly.
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  • I'm sorry you are having to go through this with him. It is very hard on everyone involved. I imagine that you've already had conversations with him about how scary it is that he does these things. I would try one more time and hopefully he will be receptive this time.

    Now that his doctor has seen that he will drive during an attack you have an ally there. My grandfather should have stopped driving years before he did. He was stubborn and wouldn't listen to us. Once his doctor realized that he was putting everyone on the road at risk, we were able to talk to the doctor and get his license taken away.

    Maybe talk to him about using something like Life Alert and see if he is open to that.

     

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_so-mad-at-my-dad-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:46657ba1-4f1d-4970-b2af-fc3f9d66fbafPost:4807b030-26ae-4e0a-a081-fd2155d4b059">Re: SO mad at my dad right now</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can totally understand that you'd be angry.  He's putting himself at risk.  Maybe have an intervention with the rest of the family and talk about how it's negatively affecting you/everyone?
    Posted by tarradesign[/QUOTE]

    There isn't much to our immediate family and unfortunately, they don't understand what he's going through really. He's worked his arse off his whole life and now is on disability because his health is so terrible. He really can't work and he doesn't take it lightly...but people in the family think he's being lazy and it hurts him. Their feedback is awful and hurtful to him but they haven't seen him cry because he's in so much pain. My mom finally did when he had to have surgery.

    I really want him to go to a therapist to have them try to reason with him. I've had a lot of heart to hearts with him and he seemed to "Get it" afterwards but... then it happens again.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • I hadn't thought of life alert. I will check that out.

    In the past, I told him not to worry about ambulance bills. If worse came to worse, I would pay the bill. I'd rather have my father, you know?

    I know it's because he doesn't want me to have a bill. I was just venting to them about having to pay the gov't the $1700
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • Would he let you sit in on his doctor appointment?

    When I worked at a doctor's office, we used to have families that would send a message to the doctor ahead of time to say that they wanted to talk about his driving, operating heavy machinery, whatever. Then they would be there for the appointment and have a discussion with the family members, doctor, and patient.

    Sometimes that worked better since the patient would take their doctor's opinion to heart. But I suppose that depends quite a bit on his relationship with his doctor.

     

  • We have a lot of drama with my mom doing stuff that she shouldn't, but that's because we actually can't reason with her.  I think the best thing you can do is have another conversation with your father.  Explain to him that a) you are disappointed that he made a decision he had to know was a bad one and b) he could have passed out at the wheel and killed someone.  Would he want to look a grieving father in the eye and apologize for killing his daughter because your father was too stubborn to call an ambulance?

    Get the doctor to back you up and make it clear that if it happens again, he will lose his licence.  Sometimes you have to draw hard fast lines to keep EVERYONE safe.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_so-mad-at-my-dad-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:46657ba1-4f1d-4970-b2af-fc3f9d66fbafPost:fde6f3bb-3638-43fc-b156-36fdb601dafd">Re: SO mad at my dad right now</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to SO mad at my dad right now : Man do I ever emphathize. My mother has a chronic, probably fatal illness and her choices in managing her own health make me want to punch things. The few bits I've found that have slightly helped me are: - Pick your battles. The fact that my mother acts like a child when it comes to certain health choices does not change the fact that she is an adult, who is responsible for her own decisions. At this point, 90% of the time I let her make her crappy choices that are probably going to wind up killing her without trying to intervene or even commenting. "Oh you're going to disconnect your IV with your teeth and go sneak out of the ICU for a smoke? Fine I'll wait here."  I really only intervene when congitively she isn't capable of making choices or when it's less a matter of "You're going to die if you keep doing that" and more "This decision has a high potential of killing you right now." At a certain point, you've got to think about your own well-being and sanity. And I just can't keep having the same argument every day when it gets me nowhere. She going to do what she wants to do no matter what I, or anyone else, says.  Your father driving himself is different because he could have killed other people. You could say something to him, you could threaten to report him if he does it again. If he's anywhere near as stubborn as my mother those conversations will get you nowehere, but you could try.  But honestly, my advice is unless he's actively about to kill himself or endanger the lives of others, stop parenting him. Because this isn't like parenting a parent because they're confused and need help. This is an individual who is fully capable of making good decisions, and is choosing not to. It's selfish that he would risk dying for a cup of coffee. It's selfish that my mother would risk dying for the litany of stupid things she does. Sooner or later you've got to be able to say to yourself "I cannot stop them from killing themselves" because driving yourself crazy (in my case to the point where I wound up on antidepressants and in therapy) is only going to hurt you, it isn't going to help them. 
    Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

    I was living in CA and moved to NH to help them and be with them because his illnesses put everything into a different perspective for me....and within 2 years,  5 people I'm close to lost a parent. It's so hard even thinking about that......

    This is good advice. Thank you. I think he's not normally so ridiculous...this isn't a daily action from him....but I know he lies about the amount of caffeine and alcohol he's taking. I tried to monitor that before and I did just grow tired of it. I also live about an hour away right now so I'm not always there.

    It's so incredibly sad to see someone who guided you so well and was so rational for so long just make such destructive decisions.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_so-mad-at-my-dad-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:46657ba1-4f1d-4970-b2af-fc3f9d66fbafPost:d460a901-3792-4a76-86f8-86da817bda78">Re: SO mad at my dad right now</a>:
    [QUOTE]Would he let you sit in on his doctor appointment? When I worked at a doctor's office, we used to have families that would send a message to the doctor ahead of time to say that they wanted to talk about his driving, operating heavy machinery, whatever. Then they would be there for the appointment and have a discussion with the family members, doctor, and patient. Sometimes that worked better since the patient would take their doctor's opinion to heart. But I suppose that depends quite a bit on his relationship with his doctor.
    Posted by staar987[/QUOTE]

    I did until I moved an hour away. His doctor is over 2 hours away from me, but my mom started going with him.. That made me feel better for a while, but she treats him like a child and tell's on him for the doctor and then scolds him later. I *think* she's gotten better since I told her that she isn't his mother.

    He prefers when we don't go. Which I understand.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_so-mad-at-my-dad-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:46657ba1-4f1d-4970-b2af-fc3f9d66fbafPost:481badd2-fc47-4ab3-951b-b75973feb2a0">Re:SO mad at my dad right now</a>:
    [QUOTE]What about pointing out that he's not just risking himself? He is risking killing someone else too.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    This is the first time he's done this. I am told that the doctor and nurses have had a talk with him about it (I'm hearing this third party via my mother). I definitely need to sit with him about this.... really ridiculous.

    His cousin also lost his license for a long time because he passed out when driving and my dad drove him around the whole time and he knows how important it is to his dependence.. I think I want to point out that they could take away his license if hes going to use it when he is not medically able to. I'm not sure how that happens.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_so-mad-at-my-dad-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:46657ba1-4f1d-4970-b2af-fc3f9d66fbafPost:29328a52-9f86-4852-8697-bf2c0f46a137">Re: SO mad at my dad right now</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: SO mad at my dad right now : I was living in CA and moved to NH to help them and be with them because his illnesses put everything into a different perspective for me....and within 2 years,  5 people I'm close to lost a parent. It's so hard even thinking about that...... This is good advice. Thank you. I think he's not normally so ridiculous...this isn't a daily action from him....but I know he lies about the amount of caffeine and alcohol he's taking. I tried to monitor that before and I did just grow tired of it. I also live about an hour away right now so I'm not always there. <strong>It's so incredibly sad to see someone who guided you so well and was so rational for so long just make such destructive decisions.
    </strong>Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

    When you speak with your dad again about this, try using the bolded words you wrote.  Sometimes the worst thing you can hear is that you are disappointing someone you love.  It could make him think about his health in another way.
  • Good points. I'm glad that I'm not there right now because I have time to think about what I want to communicate and how...rather than just getting mad at him.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_so-mad-at-my-dad-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:46657ba1-4f1d-4970-b2af-fc3f9d66fbafPost:91095061-da7a-4d4f-b316-ab84d065477e">Re: SO mad at my dad right now</a>:
    [QUOTE]The food choices - well, it's not responsible, but there comes a point where it's both treating him like a child and punishing him to take small pleasures away, too, especially if he's near the end of his life.  To the person above - guilt-tripping a patient (It's so selfish to do this to your loved ones) is a very poor idea, even if it's true.  It's also very ineffective.  Ask any family member of someone with an addiction how well it works. Expect that to build resentment - and justifiably so - and shut down communication.  VERY bad tactic.  That's abusive, not loving.  If he's depressed, it's downright dangerous.  He can be made to feel he's a burden that everyone would be better off without.  Chew on that for awhile yourselves. He may need some therapy to deal with his condition, and possibly the help of a nutritionist to help him moderate his food choices if he won't do away with the "bad" foods.  It's also a good idea for the rest of the family. Becoming disabled can be humiliating for a person.  You can't do things for yourself anymore, must ask others for help, or can't do things you enjoy.  Driving is another matter. He is putting others at risk.  I agree about getting him Life Alert, and possibly seeeing about getting him a driver.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]




    So sorry Muppet!!! I wish I had some stellar advice like Retread and the other ladies. I would look into Life Alert totally. I will see if I can't start a thread to cheer you up like you cheer others up!
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