I'm back, and needing advice...

Legu

Hi everyone,

Two points to my post, I guess...

1] What in the heck happened around here? Since when was TK so "lovey dovey" to people with goodness knows what awful plans? I just browsed through the last few pages of E, WP, and MandM to see what craycray's goin on at the moment, and it's all so...
Bubblewrapped? I see a few of the old regs, and some "new" regs, but where's everyone else?


2] I'll cliffnote the back story.
OH and I had been together around six years when I found out I was pregnant.
After a few weeks of us coming round to the idea [failed contraceptive surprise], and beginning to discuss life with a baby, he randomly turns around and says one of them [him or baby] goes.
No way I could do that to my baby, so, he went.
Needless to say, the wedding was off.
Baby arrived just after Christmas, I settled in to life as a mum, and now XOH has decided he misses me too much, and he does actually want to be a dad.
To be fair to him, he turned up for a [supervised] visit, then next time he came, he arrived with a carload of baby stuff [essentials, cute clothes, toys], and said he didn't want to buy stuff before his first visit, as he'd heard that babies differ in what stuff works for them, and he didn't want to turn up with all the wrong stuff.
I have no problem allowing him to be in babys life. He's the father, after all, and should not be denied the right to see his son. More importantly, baby should be allowed to know his dad. Aside from buying a carload of stuff [which, as much as I was managing, has definitely helped], he turns up all the time when he's supposed to, calls around randomly, and has remembered all the important things like babys jab dates, hospital dates, etc, and come to them all.
I have no doubt that he wants to stay in babys life, and be a proper dad.

He's also mentioned a few times now about us getting back together.
I don't know what to do. I miss him, and still have strong feelings for him, but he walked out on me when I needed him most.
I honestly don't know if I can risk him coming back into my life like that, and need some outsider opinions.

Sorry if it's not formatted properly. I write in paragraphs, but TK mobile still seems to squish it all into one wall o' text.

If anything's unclear, that's my bad, but this was getting so long already I didn't want to bore everyone with too much backstory.
Please ask me to clarify if need be.

And if you made it through all that, you're a superstar.

Thanks ladies x

QueerFemme

Welcome back Legu. Congrats on the baby.  I agree with you that your child deserves to know his father, and vice versa.  If you are interested in reconciling with him, that's totally your call.  I would probably see how consistent he is with visits and his desire to be with you again before I did anything, and then loads of couples therapy is in order.

daria24

HI Legu! Congrats on the baby.Things have been...oh dear lord...for the past few months. We all love HM Registries, kicking out your no-good BMs, and B Lists are all the rage!

JK. Things are a much kinder, gentler TK than days of yore. Which is why it's HIGHlarious when we get called nasty biotches these days. 

My outsider perspective-it's absolutely wonderful that he has stepped up and proven himself in the dad department. I would focus on developing your relationship as parents, before getting in to the romance department. It's great that he has kept appointments for the past 3 months. But me personally, I would need a LOT more time to try to trust him. The romance may come back in time, but I would keep that idea on the back burner for now.

kmbryant2413

Some people change. Some don't. You're the only one who can make that decision for you. I know that sounds like crappy 'advice', but seriously, you know that man. You were going to marry him. You are the only one who knows, in your heart of hearts, if he's changed.

All relationships are risks, as you well know. Even child-parent relationships can fail. It's entirely possible to take it slowly (although with strong feelings for him, that's really hard). Maybe have a date or two, even a coffee date, and after the first one sit down and really, truly talk about why he left?

When I told my exH that I was pregnant, he went out and got hammered, didn't say a word to me, showed back up at 2 in the morning and told me he didn't want me knocked up. A few days later he apologized and cried and said he was just scared. Even though your ex left you completely until after baby was born, he could have just been really, really scared too.

I hope it works out for you, no one wants to stick their neck out twice.

ETA: I'm not condoning or trying to speak for your childs fathers' behavior. Just giving my example of what happened to me.

staar987

Welcome back! I know you don't know me, but I was a lurker when you were here before and wondered what happened to you.

1.) Most of the old regs left after some crazy censorship issue. Recently, there are new TK gods that are supposed to be rolling out a new TOS but for now everything is touchy on what we can and can't do. Weird stuff happening lately.

2.) Based on what I remember for your old posts and this most recent one, I probably wouldn't get back together with him immediately. I would let him be a bad to your little one. It sounds like he is really trying to be a good dad and to be present in the baby's life. Let him do that for awhile. See how that goes. Let a new sort of relationship (friendship and co-parenting) happen. If all goes well after a time and you can find yourself trusting him and wanting him back in your life, give it a shot. Go slow. Has he told you exactly what made him leave before? I think before you even think about getting back together you need to have a conversation about why he did those things to you and your baby.

winelover123

Congrats on the baby! TK has certainly changed now. I think that focusing on your relationship as parents first and foremost before a romantic relationship would be best. It's just my opinion, but I would definitely need a lot of time and a lot of therapy before I could get romantically involved again. This is something that is 100% your call though - I don't think there is a right or wrong, just what you are comfortable with.

Lizzieyounce

Welcome back Legu!!!!!

I lurked a lot while you were going through everything, but I'm so glad that the baby arrived safe and sound!  How are you enjoying motherhood?

As to your ex-fi, I agree with the other posters...take it slow.  Just let him be a daddy for now and see what develops.  The same thing happened to me with my ex-fi.  We just concentrated on making sure that our daughter knew her dad and that they spent time together, and we all spent time together. After two years of this we decided that it just wasn't going to work, but we are still on friendly terms and he's still involved in her life (she's 13 now).  I ended up marrying a fantastic man in March, who not only loves his step daughter, but gets along with my ex-fi.

You just have to be honest with yourself at all times, even if it gets hard to be.  Trust your gut.  

ETA: as to the changes here's a CN: a mod went BSC, banned a lot of regs based on what they wrote on boards that she didn't mod, then the TK gods started censoring language etc. and a lot of us went off boards.  I still lurk and occasionally comment, though.

cwaggoner07

I wouldn't even worry about the dating thing right now. I think that if you continue to coparent and really work on that complicated relationship, something else between you may blossom eventually, but I wouldn't worry about that right now. I would put the thought out of your mind and focus what is a 100% given, which is that you both have to be parents to this child forever. That is much more important to sustain, in my opinion.

If you decide to get back together, definitely some couples counseling is in order. I wish you all the luck!

WinstonsGirl

I remember reading about this way back when.  Congrats on your baby and I'm glad youe ex is starting to make an effort parenting wise.  I have to agree with everyone else though to give a relationship more time.  There's no reason you two can't coparent well and slowly work some stuff out.  I agree that he might have been scared at first, but that would still be a big trust issue I'd have to work out with someone first.  Good luck!!

Legu

I knew there was a reason I came back here : Y'all are great. I could say I see him sticking around as dad, I know him and I've seen how he is with baby, blah blah; but we were together for six years before he outtatheblue upped and left, so everyone's advice of "wait and see" definitely makes sense. I'll stop him seeing baby only when XOH bails on visiting times. As far as baby's concerned, XOH might not have been around for a bit but he's trying to make up for that now. If he disappears again, baby's too young to know about it. If he stays around, awesome. To PP who offered "crappy advice"... You're right, it "sounds" like crappy advice, but is in fact spot on, so thank you for that, and for sharing your story. From what I know of XOH, I'd say he's honestly trying to make up for what happened, and plans to stick around. We'll see. In terms of "us" I think you're all right. Ultimately, wait and see. Conversations need to be had, and difficult ones at that. I think we'll have a sitdown soon and find out what actually happened last year, and then just let things take their course. It's far more important that he's here for baby than anything that may happen with us. Thanks everyone for providing some clarity, and thanks for the update. I guess things got a little weird around here for a while, huh : x

s-aries8990

I'm on the "wait and see" train. I mean, the ultimatum he gave you was REALLY harsh and difficult. Wait until he proves himself to be the man you need as your parter over the next several months/years.

doctorengaged

I just found your story in an old forum and I'm really glad it worked out (in terms of the baby, at least, so far). I really hope the rest of the pieces all fall into place as well.