BM dropped out, a little vent

Salsera29

First thing, I just want to vent. I'm not planning on doing or saying anything. I posted a couple weeks ago about my FI's sister asking me if I would be upset if she stepped down from the wedding party. She told me she had some things going on in her life. I said of course it would be ok, I would understand and wouldn't be upset. 

Apparently I lied a little. 

Since then, she has not contacted me again to say if she did or didn't want to step down for sure. She talked to FMIL about it, and FMIL told her if it was a money thing, she would pay for her dress. Now as far as I know she was not contacted about anything else, my other BMs don't even have her info. So literally the only thing being asked of her is to put on a dress that she doesn't have to pay for, walk down the aisle, and stand there during the ceremony. (BTW, she is a performer as a career so there is no issue with being in front of people).My FI is upset that his sister won't be standing up there, and I don't blame him. I think it was pretty flaky of her. Not that she is required to give a reason, I know she's not, but since nobody knows the reason, it's hard to be sympathetic about what might be going on in her life that she can't stand up with her brother for 20 minutes. (She is still planning on coming to the wedding as far as I know). 

End vent. Thanks. 

krizzo17

Does she realize that's all that's required of her? Maybe your fi could call and let her know how much this would mean to him, and that no one is expecting her to go to showers, bachlorettes, etc - she might not realize that she's really off the hook on everything except for the wedding day.

harper0813

I'm sorry to hear this. I would be upset too. I don't remember from your original post whether you have a good relationship with her or not. Do you? Maybe she doesn't like the dress or she feels guilty about taking the money from her parents. Regardless, this is a big bummer for you.

winelover123

Sorry :-/ I was definitely bummed when one of my BMs stepped down. I required only the same things as you - show up in your dress, walk down the aisle. I second having FI call her if they have a good relationship and at least let her know that's all that was required of her. Maybe she thought she had to do/go to all of the parties since "that's what BMs do."

MuppetFan

Sorry about that. I would call her up sine she's your bridesmaid....unless the only reason she is your bridesmaid is because she's his sister....then I'd haver him call her and talk to her

Salsera29

I'm not close with her, because she lives down south and I've only seen her like 3 times. I thought about having FI call, or having FMIL mention it since they talk a lot more. The only thing I was worried about is that it might sound like we are trying to pressure her, which I don't want to do. You guys think it would be ok to let her know she doesn't have to do anything else? I let BMs pick their dresses, so that's not it. Unless she hates all of them or the color or whatever. Maybe the process of going and finding a dress was stressing her out. 

Also, our wedding is in 3.5 months. I think it might be too late to order another dress? I don't know though. 

QueerFemme

If you have only met her 3 times, why was she in your wedding party? Maybe she would be more comfortable standing up for her brother. Since, she doesn't even really know you.

Salsera29

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bm-dropped-out-a-little-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:65d8f1ca-2c7c-439d-90f7-e100d0d78b3ePost:abea24bf-29ec-4acd-9acd-826734f4ce5e">Re:BM dropped out, a little vent</a>:
[QUOTE]If you have only met her 3 times, why was she in your wedding party? Maybe she would be more comfortable standing up for her brother. Since, she doesn't even really know you.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

<div>FI wanted her to be in the WP, so I asked her to be a BM. At the time we asked everyone, neither of us had ever heard of "groomswomen" or "bridesmaids." It's just not done in my circle, so it wasn't something we had ever even considered. In my previous experience, the men go on the grooms side and the women go on the brides side regardless of relationship. Now I know that it probably would have been better the other way. </div>

erinlin25

If you are letting them pick their own dress, she very well may find one at a department store, or davids bridal has really quick turnaround (they told us 3 months, they came in 3 weeks).  I would definitely reach out.  You should try first or maybe you and FI together?  If she wants to be on her brothers side she can always wear a dress in the tux color (black, grey, etc).  I would be sad too-- but it is what it is.  If she is not going to be into it and miserable, I wouldn't push it. 

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bm-dropped-out-a-little-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:65d8f1ca-2c7c-439d-90f7-e100d0d78b3ePost:2849fe67-8566-4275-b2fb-82e250db645d">Re:BM dropped out, a little vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:BM dropped out, a little vent : FI wanted her to be in the WP, so I asked her to be a BM. At the time we asked everyone, neither of us had ever heard of "groomswomen" or "bridesmaids." It's just not done in my circle, so it wasn't something we had ever even considered. In my previous experience, the men go on the grooms side and the women go on the brides side regardless of relationship. Now I know that it probably would have been better the other way. 
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]


Maybe you can have her brother talk to her now, and see if she wants to stand up on his side.  And she can get a dress that compliements his side (i.e. if the guys are in black tuxes, she could get a simple black dress. Grey suits = grey dress, etc.)

She may not be all that excited about standing up on your side, because she hardly knows you.