Snarky Brides

FBIL frustration

 First time posting on this board. Figured this is where to go to rant when things are stressing you out. So, here're the wedding frustrations. My friend is getting married in Sept, I'm getting married in June. Her FI was going to be one of our GM, and my FI was going to be one of their GM. A cpl months ago, friend's FI called my FI to tell him my FI is no longer in their wedding party. A little annoying, but no big deal, less money we have to spend on not having to worry about renting a tux for my FI at their wedding. So, I had sent out texts to all GM end of Jan telling them the info on where we're renting tuxes from & when to get fitted. No one got fitted by the date I gave. So, I sent out a reminder text for GM to get fitted. My friend texts me back, saying she thought her FI wasn't going to be one of our GM (since my FI isn't one of theirs anymore)... but we never discussed that... I'm not a mind-reader. Anyway, she says she can't afford it. Okay, so one less GM I guess. Still kinda annoyed that they just "assumed" her FI was out of GM duties. If that's what they thought, they really should've mentioned something sooner, like when I sent out the first text about GM info... Oh, well, moving on.

Second grievance is my FBIL. He is the Best Man & his daughters (ages 5&6) are supposed to be our flower girls. So, I worked hard to find a really deal on FG dresses. The cheapest ones at DB were $110. I found some cute tutu-style dresses on Etsy for $55 (this took some searching to find them this cheap). We're having the BMs wear TOMS, so I thought it'd be nice to have the FG wear TOMS shoes too. These are $42, so less cheap, but it's a good cause, since a pair is donated to a child in need for every pair bought. I sent him the info on dresses & shoes & asked if this was okay. He said yes. (I would've understood if doing the shoes too would be too expensive for him, and other shoes would have been fine). So, I asked him to order the dresses by March 15, since they are being hand-made, and order the shoes by April 1. A couple days past the dress deadline, I haven't heard anything, so I reached out to remind him. At this point, after the deadline, he tells me he's not comfortable with the dresses, since they are halter-style (ties behind the back of the neck). If this is the case, he really should've mentioned that BEFORE the deadline... So, I talk to the seller on Etsy, explaining the situation, and she said she can add some cap sleeves to make FBIL happy. I send him a pic, FBIL says that's fine. I also told him I need their measurements to give the seller, since she is creating a special listing for him. When he got back to me, he didn't give me the measurements, just said he's just waiting to have the money. He still could've gotten me the measurements, as the wedding is 2 months away... So, another wk or so passes, and now it's 2 wks past the original deadline, and we haven't gotten the measurement or heard anything, so we reach out again. This time he says he was waiting on giving the measurements since the girls are growing a lot. Come on. It's 2 months away. The dresses are hand-made and take a while to come in, so if you really think they're gonna grow, add an inch or something, but we need to get this stuff ordered already! Of course, we aren't rude or anything, but FI is just kinda done with it at this point, just like, "whatever." Then FBIL texts him saying, "Just so you know, you guys are having me spend $300 on this wedding." If it's a money issue, let us know, and maybe your girls don't have to be FG, but if that's the problem, COMMUNICATE it with us, not just way past deadlines. Ugh. Sorry, I know this was a long rant... I'm just sick of ppl being flaky.

Re: FBIL frustration

  • I feel you on your first rant.  I feel like your friend is being very sketchy, first to kick your FI out of their wedding party and then to remove themselves from yours.  

    The second rant I think you're kind of out of line.  That is a lot of money to spend on 2 kids.  I would never buy a 5 and 6 year old shoes that cost $42 that they'll quickly grow out of.  Why don't you guys offer to pay for their outfits?  Or ask him what he feels comfortable paying?  You could just go to a store like JC Penny and find something much cheaper.  
  • I agree that rant 1 must be stressful, just try to take a step back and focus on your wedding from here on.

    For the flower girl issue, you should've asked your FBIL for a budget and chosen dresses based on that. There will be a lot of nice Easter dresses on discount this week, that may be a better option for him. I also would never spend $42 on shoes for a child. Go get them some pretty dress shoes at Payless or Walmart for $10. $300 is a lot for one family to put out for a wedding.

     

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  • $300 for two children to wear an outfit for one day is more money than my mom spent for my entire year's worth of school clothes. Our budget (I am 39 so factor this in) was $100 per kid, per year, excluding winter coats and boots.  This meant we had to get underwear, pants, socks, sweaters, shoes, etc. for that. 

    How about looking for beautiful dresses at Sears, J C Penney, H & M, Target, Khols?  How about payless, Target, Khols, J C Penney, and Sears for shoes....or zappos.com. 

    Bottom line - In this economy, your expectations are not reasonable for most families.  Toms as a charity does not make it easier to justify if their budget is like my mom's was, when I was growing up.  See above.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:b3e9b450-c172-416b-b637-ad7c4dc8e72c">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel you on your first rant.  I feel like your friend is being very sketchy, first to kick your FI out of their wedding party and then to remove themselves from yours.   The second rant I think you're kind of out of line.  That is a lot of money to spend on 2 kids.  I would never buy a 5 and 6 year old shoes that cost $42 that they'll quickly grow out of.  Why don't you guys offer to pay for their outfits?  Or ask him what he feels comfortable paying?  You could just go to a store like JC Penny and find something much cheaper.  
    Posted by MrsGandthebeag[/QUOTE]

    We didn't offer to pay, because we don't have the money either, between wedding costs, honeymoon, and getting a house all at the same time. The problem is that I showed him what I wanted, and asked if it was okay, and he agreed to it. I totally understand if he can't afford, I just wish he'd just tell me that they cann't afford it in the first place. 
  • LynnJaredLynnJared member
    100 Comments First Anniversary
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:dbd5ec26-22f0-4cdd-9c34-8a97bb95e758">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you're asking a bit much with the flower girls.  That is a lot of money for little kids for one day.  Maybe let their parents find matching shoes and dresses that fit your specifications and budget on their own?   Also, why do they need to order shoes two+ months in advance (April 1?). You can have Toms shipped to you in less than three days.  Plus, kids can grow a good bit in two months. The order-by dates need to be based off the vendor's limitations, not your arbitrary ones.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    They are not arbitrary deadlines. Keep in mind, only the dress deadline has passed, not the shoe deadline. I asked for this deadline on the dresses as they are being hand-made and take longer to make. And I set the deadlines a little early, because obviously, no one can meet deadlines.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:f4c07dee-d3d3-421e-b401-f3803ed0737b">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]$300 for two children to wear an outfit for one day is more money than my mom spent for my entire year's worth of school clothes. Our budget (I am 39 so factor this in) was $100 per kid, per year, excluding winter coats and boots.  This meant we had to get underwear, pants, socks, sweaters, shoes, etc. for that.  How about looking for beautiful dresses at Sears, J C Penney, H & M, Target, Khols?  How about payless, Target, Khols, J C Penney, and Sears for shoes....or zappos.com.  Bottom line - In this economy, your expectations are not reasonable for most families.  Toms as a charity does not make it easier to justify if their budget is like my mom's was, when I was growing up.  See above.
    Posted by Ella and Pedro[/QUOTE]

    You misunderstood. It's not $300 for 2 kids. It's that much for the 2 kids plus the dad, as he is getting a tux rental, which is more than a third of the total cost. I understand people being poor, but if that's the case, and you can't afford the costs that come along with the position, simply turn it down.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:1e352daa-11f6-4f23-b573-342316a77ae2">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FBIL frustration : You misunderstood. It's not $300 for 2 kids. It's that much for the 2 kids plus the dad, as he is getting a tux rental, which is more than a third of the total cost. I understand people being poor, but if that's the case, and you can't afford the costs that come along with the position, simply turn it down.
    Posted by LynnJared[/QUOTE]

    Wow, just... wow. Take a minute, step out of the bride mentality and step into a family mentality. $300 for a single event, poor or not, is asking a lot. Perhaps he simply was not comfortable justifying his financial situation when you throw a three figure cost dress for each of his small and ever-growing children. Be grateful he has brought this up now, in plenty of time to make adjustments. As other posters have mentioned, JCPenney, Sears, and other retailers have beautiful dresses for young girls.

    Also, you mentioned you are doing this on a budget as well and cannot afford those dresses; rather than telling him pay up or drop out, look at it this way - what could I afford if an emergency happened (ie week before wedding he has not gotten the dresses). Would you bypass having FGs, or shell out a little cash and keep the girls happy? Finding options that are $40-55 a dress TOTALs the option you previously chose but covers both FGs attire.

    Remember, this is your FBIL - do you really want to start with bad blood betweeh you once your families are joined?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:37e6e647-cb2d-49f4-98b4-94433bc02285">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FBIL frustration : Wow, just... wow. Take a minute, step out of the bride mentality and step into a family mentality. $300 for a single event, poor or not, is asking a lot. Perhaps he simply was not comfortable justifying his financial situation when you throw a three figure cost dress for each of his small and ever-growing children. Be grateful he has brought this up now, in plenty of time to make adjustments. As other posters have mentioned, JCPenney, Sears, and other retailers have beautiful dresses for young girls. Also, you mentioned you are doing this on a budget as well and cannot afford those dresses; rather than telling him pay up or drop out, look at it this way - what could I afford if an emergency happened (ie week before wedding he has not gotten the dresses). Would you bypass having FGs, or shell out a little cash and keep the girls happy? Finding options that are $40-55 a dress TOTALs the option you previously chose but covers both FGs attire. Remember, this is your FBIL - do you really want to start with bad blood betweeh you once your families are joined?
    Posted by fotifamiry[/QUOTE]
    Again, the dresses are not in the triple digits each, They are $55 each. I understand that other FG dresses can be found elsewhere for cheaper, but these are still reasonably priced and they're really what I wanted, unique and they go perfectly with the peacock color theme. At this point, if it's such a financial strain (I understand money being tight, that's not why I'm mad), we're just thinking we should just nix having FGs. It's not a big deal, and we're not having a ring bearer either. No FGs, less money on FBIL, less stress I hope. Oh well.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:3e02cf07-817c-4d34-afd6-2bea346c63f4">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FBIL frustration : No one's meeting your deadlines because they aren't real deadlines. I was only talking about the expensive kids' shoes. If he goes online and sees "Oh, I can get these $42 kids shoes shipped to me overnight if I need to..." Why would he plunk down about $90 over two months before the wedding?  I think you need to take a step back and stop trying to micromanage your wedding party. 
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    I just wanted these things to come in a little sooner, so I'm not stressing about it coming in last minute. And I know our families well enough to know that whether or not I give them the absolute latest deadline, they still will forget about it and not get it done by then. It's just like when you know someone is late all the time, maybe you tell them the time is 15 minutes earlier. Same concept. I wouldn't have to "micro-manage" if people would just get things done on their on own time, but they don't.
  • You're being a jerk. You would really kick your two neices (who are undoubtedly incredibly excited about being flowergirls) out of the wedding over $110? That's henious. 

    I understand its frustrating, but you need to readjust your expectations. The flower girl dresses won't make or break your wedding day. 
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  • Seriously, wouldn't you rather have your two flower girls wearing cute dresses and their own shoes rather than none at all?  I assume you wanted them in the first place bc you love them.  We didn't have any fg or rb as we had a kid free wedding.  So, really I don't care if you have them or not.  But, I think your reason for not having them is ridiculous.  
  • I understand people being poor, but if that's the case, and you can't afford the costs that come along with the position, simply turn it down.

    WTF?! Being a GM/BM should not be a financial burden on anybody. You should ask their budgets ahead of time and then go from there. I know you said that your brother was okay with the costs at first, but financial matters can change drastically in just a few months. So maybe at one point he was able to afford it, but he cant now. All you have to do is change a few things (like paying $110 for FG dress!) and maybe he will be able to afford it then.

    I understand that other FG dresses can be found elsewhere for cheaper, but these are still reasonably priced and they're really what I wanted, unique and they go perfectly with the peacock color theme. At this point, if it's such a financial strain (I understand money being tight, that's not why I'm mad), we're just thinking we should just nix having FGs

    If you absolutely want them to wear this dress, maybe you should offer to pay for them? Otherwise, there are other options. Why cant they wear a sundress? or a Communion dress? You can find affordable FG dresses at many department stores. & if you really want to save some money, you can go to any childs consignment store and find TONS of FG dresses. Why are you making these dresses (that they will only wear 1 day!) the reason to nix the FGs? You have other options. Im sure these girls are so excited (I know my FGs are) and if you suddenly say "well, sorry you're not going to be in the wedding anymore" would completely crush them. & they will probably resent you for a while. Thats a really sh!tty thing to do. So please dont do it.

    We're having the BMs wear TOMS, so I thought it'd be nice to have the FG wear TOMS shoes too.

    Since you are requiring the BMs to wear TOMS, are you paying for them? Anything you are requiring them to wear, other than the dresses, should really be paid for by you & your FI.
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  • Are you seriously talking about kicking small children out of your wedding because their dresses weren't ordered in a manner pleasing to you? Just wanted to be clear here. A bit early for the 'life isn't fair, and sometimes people do mean things' lesson, but ok.
  • The first part, I totally get.  Your friend is being a big jerk.  I said the same on the DFW board, but I didn't really read the second part until today.

    Asking your FBIL to pay $100 total for shoes for little kids who grow really fast is a little unreasonable.  I think you should let them pick their own shoes.  You are right that he should've said something when you asked him if it was okay, but he didn't, and now he is saying something so it's time to reevaluate.  It is hard sometmes to say no someone in the moment, so it is understandable that he didn't assert himself in the first place. 

    Just try to chill out, none of this is that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

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  • I have two FG in my wedding, and after looking at prices for dresses and shoes we decided to make the FG tutu dresses (both their moms are also my BMs and are super crafty!) While looking for dresses at DB I did feel $100+ was alot for a little girl.... but they have so many that there must be plenty of people out there that do purchase them! Right?

    I have a detailed vision of my wedding (it sounds like you do to) so you can only afford to spend so much time worrying about everyone else if you want to accomplish everything you have set out to do. I understand that you are frusterated because you did take the time to find a reasonable price and ask ahead of time if that price point was ok.

    Every wedding I have been a part of the bride has had resonable requests and I felt it was a honor to be asked so I purchased what I was told (including shoes & accessories). Luckily my WP so far has acted the same way!

    There are alot of tutorials online that show how to make the tutu FG dresses (if you have time at this point) and you already said you don't really care about the shoes. Or if you really want the shoes... maybe these are their gift? Again I understand having a vision and not wanting to settle. Sometimes there is a compromise that can make every one happy!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:afda3fa2-ddba-4b96-a004-4664aaac9f0d">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]Every wedding I have been a part of the bride has had resonable requests and I felt it was a honor to be asked so I purchased what I was told (including shoes & accessories). Luckily my WP so far has acted the same way! Posted by bubblegum1309[/QUOTE]

    Just because you forced unnecessary things on your wedding party doesn't mean we should encourage others to do so as well.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:afda3fa2-ddba-4b96-a004-4664aaac9f0d">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE] Every wedding I have been a part of the bride has had resonable requests and I felt it was a honor to be asked so I purchased what I was told <strong>(including shoes & accessories)</strong>. Luckily my WP so far has acted the same way! There are alot of tutorials online that show how to make the tutu FG dresses (if you have time at this point) and you already said you don't really care about the shoes.<strong> Or if you really want the shoes... maybe these are their gift?</strong> Again I understand having a vision and not wanting to settle. Sometimes there is a compromise that can make every one happy!
    Posted by bubblegum1309[/QUOTE]

    If a bride is requiring any member of the BP to wear a specific item (besides the dress), she really should be paying for it. && about giving the shoes as a gift...that is not a gift. That is a prop for your wedding. You should get gifts that you would get them for their bday or xmas, not something you are requiring them to wear for the wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:3afd6686-b89d-466c-9947-7fc2aecc0a88">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FBIL frustration : They are not arbitrary deadlines. Keep in mind, only the dress deadline has passed, not the shoe deadline. I asked for this deadline on the dresses as they are being hand-made and take longer to make. And I set the deadlines a little early, because obviously, no one can meet deadlines.
    Posted by LynnJared[/QUOTE]

    <div>You told him to order the shoes by April 1. That is giving him a deadline. What does it matter when he orders the shoes?</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_fbil-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:cca093e1-bc80-48ab-bb1f-ca033959125aPost:edca90f7-5a88-4cd8-8f93-f5044d82275e">Re: FBIL frustration</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FBIL frustration : I just wanted these things to come in a little sooner, so I'm not stressing about it coming in last minute. And I know our families well enough to know that whether or not I give them the absolute latest deadline, they still will forget about it and not get it done by then. It's just like when you know someone is late all the time, maybe you tell them the time is 15 minutes earlier. Same concept. I wouldn't have to "micro-manage" if people would just get things done on their on own time, but they don't.
    Posted by LynnJared[/QUOTE]

    <div>Your wedding isn't on their mind. You need to take a step back and realize that. Also - I think it's crazy that you want specific flower girl dresses to meet your PPD vision. Their father told you he was uncomfortable with them. How old are the girls? And for the love of God, don't pull them out. Find something cheaper. $55 for a dress is A LOT plus $42 for special PPD shoes for little girls who grow quickly is outrageous! </div>
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