Planning Without A Mother-of-the-Bride

marquata1

I know I'm not the only woman out there who has lost their mother before engagement or wedding day. I was 11 when she passed away so she was never there for my teenage years and when little milestones in my life come up - like engagement. 

My wedding will not be until 2015 so I have some time to plan but every time I look into "where to start" there's always things its suggested that the mother of the bride does. I don't really have a close female figure in my life either. My birthson's adoptive mom offered her help but being only 2+ years into the adoption I don't know how close I can get. 

My "mother-in-law" will be helpful I'm sure but she just got done with her daughters wedding that I don't know if she's ready to start any planning two years in advance. 

I'm just at a loss and could use some direction advice or just knowing I'm not alone.

AddieCake

You're not alone. My mother passed away several years ago. Sometimes I was sad and missing her during the planning, but there isn't anything you "need" a mother for to plan your wedding. 

 I don't even agree that mother-daughter stuff is where you would start. You start by talking with your fiance about the kind of wedding you want, setting a budget, discussing a potential guest list/size, and then looking at venues that meet your needs. 

Congrats and know that those of us here on TK are always happy to help!

MairePoppy

I'm sorry for your losses, Marquata and Addie.

You should get your fi involved in the planning as much as possible. It's  his wedding, too. My daughter and fi did most of the planning themselves. They planned a beautiful wedding that reflected their style. It was a very happy time for them. I was involved on a limited basis-guest list, wedding dress shopping and an idea here and there. 

At two years out, there's not really a lot of planning that needs to be done. You and fi could start sharing ideas. If venues book up early in your area, you and fi could start looking at places. 

When it's time to shop for wedding dresses ( about a year out), ask your FMIL if she'd like to go with you. I hope she says yes. And we're here if you want to talk wedding stuff. 

Peledreamsofrain

I'm sorry you lost your mother, that is really rough.  I know it's nowhere near the same, but my mother lives over 3,000 miles away from me, and isn't much of a wedding person.  She was distinctly absent during my planning.  It was a bit of a bummer, but I just rolled up my sleeves and involved myself in planning.

Lean on your FI, and come here for wedding brainstorming.  We love talking wedding, and never get sick of it.

marquata1

My fiance and I talk a lot about wedding ideas - we have our colors picked out and quite a few songs we want but I guess both of us are new at this (obviously) and I wanted someone like my mom to talk to who has been married before. And in some cases I guess I feel bad for her that she's missing out on her daughter getting married. Something I haven't gotten past yet.

My fiance and I have also talked about ways to keep my mom's spirit at the wedding, and his grandmother he lost a year ago. We're going to have special drinks that they used to love in their honor.  

GoodLuckBear14

I like the special drinks idea.

One of the good things about these boards is that you can come here for help whenever you need it.  A lot of us are married and stuck around because we like the community and helping to plan weddings.  Some of the ladies like Maire came here as Mothers of the Bride and are always at the ready to offer some motherly advice. 

Take the time to enjoy being engaged.  Look around and see what you like but don't get into any heavy planning.  Here's a secret the bridal magazines will not tell you:  All you need to get married are a license, two legal and willing participants and an officiant.  Everything else is icing on the cake so don't feel like you have to have every bell and whistle....and wedding planning is much easier when you are not going for perfect.

When you want to start planning:
1. Figure out your budget because this will determine everything else.  Count only money that you have on hand or what you will have saved by putting away $x.xx every month.  Do not put anything on credit cards that cannot be paid off that month and do not plan on anyone else giving you and your FI money for the wedding (even if they say they will).  Until it is in your bank account, it is not yours.

2. Anyone invited to the wedding must be invited to the reception.  Hang out on the boards and you'll get a feel for the different kinds of receptions you can plan.  The two most important aspects of the reception are food and drink.  Nobody is going to remember centerpieces, etc. but the will remember how they were watered and fed.

Hope to see you around.

marquata1

Thank you for all your help. I don't know what I would do wihtout it. My dad's wife (my stepmother but I dont call her that) offered her help as well and I can't bring myself to be comfortable with it. I told her my fiance and I want cheesecake for the wedding cake and she already judged it -saying why would I do that? I'll barely eat the cake anyhow so what does it matter what I like. Uh its MY wedding and if there's left overs who is going to be stuck with it? Two years in advance and she's already questioning things, sounds like a bad idea from the start. 

Hopefully I'll find a good female around me I can bounce ideas off of. 

Of course my fiance always comes first but its nice to have someone else too. 

marquata1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_planning-without-a-mother-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:56a4ae9b-8a58-43be-b2f6-ceef63920a0ePost:ffba7585-8b54-4b39-9f42-e8ecc033bc4f">Re: Planning Without A Mother-of-the-Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]I love cheesecake. I'm 62 years old and my only daughter was married in 2011.  (Yay!)  I know all about difficult families because I came from one. PM me anytime.  I love to help with wedding advice.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>My fiance's sister had an array of cheesecakes at her wedding and it went GREAT and they were delicious I really didn't see what the big deal was. And thank you for the support!</div>

katherinedw78

I am so sorry to hear this. I lost my mom at 30, as an adult. I can't imagine losing her as a kid. A wedding is such a special time and it should be all about love and happiness. My mom's best friend, my maid of honor and my fiance have really stepped in to help me. I know you said you don't have a mother figure in your life, but I think a close girlfriend can do in a pinch. But, like others have said, a wonderful fiance is what will get you through this. My fiance has done practically everything with me and been my partner in every decision (except for finding my dress!). It's a great opportunity for you guys to work as a team! I'm also going to do several things at my wedding to honor my mother, including having a framed picture of her in the pew so she can "be at the wedding," including her in the program and I plan to visit her grave the morning before my wedding. My MIL has been pretty awful throughout this process (another subject entirely), but it's important to surround yourself with people who will support YOU and keep in mind that even in such a happy time you're still experiencing a bit of sadness. I wish you all the best in your wedding planning!