Moms and Maids

Over Excited Future Mother In Law

My FMIL is very excited about our wedding. My fiancee is her eldest son of two. The younger son doesn't believe in marriage or kids and is perfectly happy with with long term girlfriend so she see thsi as her only chance at a wedding and grand kids.

Although I appreciate her excitement it's a bit overwhelming at times. She's asked me several times over the past few months about what I wanted to wear to the wedding with my response being every time what ever you'd like to wear. She's been talking non stop about a shower since we got engaged as well as the rehersal dinner she wants to host. She wants to know every detail of everything even if I'm not at that point in our planning.

My FMIL is a lovely lady but a touch overbearing at times. She has been nagging us about booking a block of rooms for months now. With an insane work schedule and having a ton of time before my wedding it wasn't a priority for us but promised to look at it in the near future as soon as work settled down. (a few months ago) So she called a hotel and had them send her booking information so she could set it up herself.

When I found out I was a little bummed that she'd gone behind my back after I had told her I was going to do it. We talked about it and chalked it up to her just wanting to help. We decided that we were going to call a few hotels reccommended by our venue and get prices. She was going to get all the information and then we were going to talk it over and make the decision when we came down for Easter dinner.

She waited until we were getting our shoes on to leave that she forgot to pull out the information for us but it didn't matter because she had already booked it. I feel a little hurt. I smiled and said thanks because we were about to leave and standing infront of the whole family. Now she's the primary contact. She's the one who has to add more rooms to the block if needed or make changes, she's the one the call when the block fills up. I know I can't control everything but I don't like being left in the dark. Throughout our entire engagement it's been about her and her family. The way she talks about my role in all of this I am a prop and not a bride.

I've been very careful to to bombard people with my wedding. I've only talked about it if someone elose asks. I haven't asked anyone to do anything with an exception of looking for bridemaid dresses. I don't want to become the dreaded bridezilla as I love my friends and family. I'm worried that if I continue to let her step in and take control of things that she will take over the wedding. I have no problem including her in anything she has an interest in but I don't want to be cut out of something completely. What do I do?

Re: Over Excited Future Mother In Law

  • In addition to Retread's advice, I think your FI should call his mom and ask her to slow her roll.  Tell her that he knows she is excited for the wedding, but you and FI want to plan it together.  You appreciate what she has done already, but you will let her know when/where you need her assistance in the future.  Tell her you appreciate her offer to host the RD and a possible shower, but as of now it's not on your radar, since your wedding is still 6 months away.
  • edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_over-excited-future-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:853dc02e-87f6-4af9-8230-f541395c2af8Post:2072f7fb-2c52-43ad-9e16-d62ff09a1af1">Over Excited Future Mother In Law</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FMIL is very excited about our wedding. My fiancee is her eldest son of two. The younger son doesn't believe in marriage or kids and is perfectly happy with with long term girlfriend so she see thsi as her only chance at a wedding and grand kids. Although I appreciate her excitement it's a bit overwhelming at times. She's asked me several times over the past few months about what I wanted to wear to the wedding with my response being every time what ever you'd like to wear. She's been talking non stop about a shower since we got engaged as well as the rehersal dinner she wants to host. She wants to know every detail of everything even if I'm not at that point in our planning. My FMIL is a lovely lady but a touch overbearing at times. She has been nagging us about booking a block of rooms for months now. With an insane work schedule and having a ton of time before my wedding it wasn't a priority for us but promised to look at it in the near future as soon as work settled down. (a few months ago) So she called a hotel and had them send her booking information so she could set it up herself. When I found out I was a little bummed that she'd gone behind my back after I had told her I was going to do it. We talked about it and chalked it up to her just wanting to help. We decided that we were going to call a few hotels reccommended by our venue and get prices. She was going to get all the information and then we were going to talk it over and make the decision when we came down for Easter dinner. She waited until we were getting our shoes on to leave that she forgot to pull out the information for us but it didn't matter because she had already booked it. I feel a little hurt. I smiled and said thanks because we were about to leave and standing infront of the whole family. Now she's the primary contact. She's the one who has to add more rooms to the block if needed or make changes, she's the one the call when the block fills up. I know I can't control everything but I don't like being left in the dark. Throughout our entire engagement it's been about her and her family. The way she talks about my role in all of this I am a prop and not a bride. I've been very careful to to bombard people with my wedding. I've only talked about it if someone elose asks. I haven't asked anyone to do anything with an exception of looking for bridemaid dresses. I don't want to become the dreaded bridezilla as I love my friends and family. I'm worried that if I continue to let her step in and take control of things that she will take over the wedding. I have no problem including her in anything she has an interest in but I don't want to be cut out of something completely. What do I do?
    Posted by girl4182[/QUOTE]

    I was in a very similar situation as you. My husband is the oldest brother of two.

    My MIL, even though she was so excited and happy for us, at times it would stress me out. In the beginning of wedding planning, she would ask me about wedding details, and I would tell her what we (husband and me) decided on. Then, she would say oh, you should do this instead because it's traditional or I read this in a book. She would even email me wedding links that transferred viruses on my computer. Ugh. I had to spend a good amount of time removing these viruses and malware.

    I kept saying to myself it's better that my FMIL is excited than upset, and she is trying to be helpful. However, I was still stressed out because I felt like she wasn't listening. Her mind was going a mile a minute because she was so excited.

    My husband, FI at the time, asked her, in a very nice way, "...Even though we are happy that you are excited for us, would you be able to calm down because you are stressing both us out? " (I let my FI handle this because he knows how to talk to his mother.)

    After that, she was still excited, but was very calm about it and listened to our ideas and even suggested ones that went with the theme. (We were not able to incorporate all of her ideas, but there were a few that we added into the wedding.) I also invited her to go dress shopping since she didn't have daughters, and she was very helpful.

    Ask your FI to talk to his mom. (Just remain the darling, future daughter in law.) She may calm down and later, she may be helpful or suggest something that you can incorporate into the wedding. It worked for us.
  • ditto Olive Oil. Ask you fi to let his mom know that the two of you are in charge of the planning from now on and he will let her know if her help is needed.

    This may seem like cold comfort right now, but it may work out well for you that your FMIL has taken on that horrendous task of helping with hotel accommodations.Put your FMIL's phone number on your web site for hotel information and you will be saved a lot of phone calls, plus it will keep her busy. Less time for her to meddle in other business. 

    If you don't like her choice, you can always override it. Post your own recommendations on your web site. 
                       
  • This sounds remarkably like what I'm experiencing with my FMIL, who also blocked hotel rooms for us before clearing it with us. She also reserved a space for the rehearsal dinner last October for our September 2013 wedding. She is SO EXCITED. She has a daughter who will likely get married in the next two years, but this is her first child to marry and she's just beside herself with happiness. She's actually been extremely helpful (she helped with the save the dats and cannot wait to help with the invites in a few months), but I was overhwhelmed by her eagerness at first. Now, I just feel so blessed to have a sweet, proactive and helpful FMIL!

    The hotel block is no big deal, though. You can block another hotel if you'd like. But when she brings up wedding things that don't involve her, just beandip her. You may find that her eagerness to help will be nice in a few months - I bet she would DIE to help you lick invtitation envelopes and organize a seating chart for her friends/family. Just take a step back now to breathe and collect yourself.
  • lyndsay782lyndsay782 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_over-excited-future-mother-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:853dc02e-87f6-4af9-8230-f541395c2af8Post:a33c205e-a74b-4829-a55b-557698efb38a">Re: Over Excited Future Mother In Law</a>:
    [QUOTE]. Try Bean Dip, as well......change the subject FMIL:  You need to book hotel suites now. You:  We're not at that part in the planning yet.  I'll let you know when I'm ready.  have you tried this bean dip? Fmil:  I can do it tomorrow. You:  Have some.  It's delicious. Fmil:  I want to use the Roadway Inn. You:  Want some chips to go with it?
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I think I need to stock up on bean dip and chips and keep it in my purse so I can "bean dip" people on the go to avoid wedding planning questions and family drama questions...</div><div>
    </div><div>edited for clarity

    </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I find that telling my FMIL about things after they've happened or been decided make her happy. I also ask her for help on things on purpose. She just wants to be involved. A little can go a long way too.
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • SKPMSKPM member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Are there any details that you would feel comfortable delegating to her so she feels involved? Things that you truly don't care much about? For me, it was the wine. I couldn't give two craps what kind of wine was served at our wedding, as long as we had enough, but my MIL LOVES wine and wine tasting. H and I asked her to select the wines (she had offered to pay for them too, generously), and she spent months visiting wineries and selecting just the right combination.

    photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg
  • I agree with the advice of Ret. (bean dip) and also SKPM. 

    My fiance is one of two children in a family where the other child is a lesbian.  The lesbian (my fiance's younger sister) is in a relationship with a woman whose parents are Southern Baptist (a minister and his wife)....so no wedding for them, due to the partner's religious beliefs and family beliefs.  Anywoo...this means my fiance is the only child having a 'wedding' (everyone feels the sister and her partner are 'married' for all intents and purposes)

    My FMIL is HUGELY excited, and if we had approached her at the beginning with our wedding plans, she would have absolutely wanted to orchestrate many components.  We knew this (it's a family trait with her entire family) so we proactively coordinated just about everything well, well in advance....so basically, a week or so ago, she said "how are the wedding plans going?" and we answered by showing her a 6 inch binder full of vendor contracts, design elements, decisions, images, choices, a menu etc.

    She then wondered if there was anything she and her ex-husband and his wife (my FFIL and his wife) could do.  She said 'it is the job of the groom's family to fund the liquor/beverages at the wedding, and do the rehearsal dinner."  So, we called the caterer (as per their wishes) and upgraded from a Beer and Wine Open Bar to a Full Open Bar, and added brut champagne to the moscato for the toasts.  And, then, we called the place we were doing the rehearsal and explained that these three generous parents were taking over, and that meant we would switch from the simple (more affordable) menu to whatever they selected.

    Everything else, dress, flowers, music....she learns about it, but does not have any imput.  She did try to persuade us to play big band music and Elvis stuff for the late night dancing, but you know, we're doing I-Pod music and it so happens we're not interested in buying any Benny Goodman.

    So, my point is, I would give her a concrete task, based on her inquiries.  In other cases, I would avoid the topic or share only when it's a 'done deal.'  How about if she is in fact focusing on the hotel and welcome bags?  As other posters have said, it is actually a big chunk of work. 

  • This is exactly how my FMIL acts. We aren't getting married until October 2014 and today she sent me and her whole family (in a group text) what she was going to be wearing to the wedding. I don't even have my dress yet! 

    It helps to breathe, just relax and take a very large deep breath. Then kindly, yet firmly, stand your ground. It does work, ultimately it is your wedding and she knows that, but they are so excited especially if it is the first in the family to be getting married. So I understand that they are excited and it can be overwhelming at times, just let her know you know what you're doing and while the help is nice, it's not always necessary. 
  • Thanks so much for all of the advice. I know she means well. My fiancee's parents are paying for our open bar as well as the rehersal dinner. With an exception of $500 from my mom we are covering everything else.

    After reading all of your advice I think passing off the hotel block completely to her might be a good idea. I think I will e-mail her and ask her what she thinks about welcome bags and let her run wild. I'll get the hotel info for our website and then that will be that. 

    Thanks again
  • shannyb41shannyb41 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
  • I COMPLETELY understand your frustration...BUT there is a positive to this...

    I contacted my FI family personally and introduced myself and said I need to get addresses for save the date cards.  They are ALL out of town and most have booked their flights and have said how excited they are to see me have my day as the bride. Some have asked me questions about my dress, my flowers, the venue and not once bring up my FI.   Some even have asked me if i have crossed the T's and dotted my i's on things like catering and make up etc which is a little bit much but you know what I dont even know these people.  But it makes me feel really good that they care about the wedding. 

    Overzealous? Depending on how you look at it yes. 

    My FMIL is completely in charge of accomodations and I let her do it.  Why? Cuz I have school, I have a wedding to plan and she knows them better than I do. She is over excited but quite frankly I will take all the help I can get. She said she WANTED to make my table linens and do my floral arrangements so I picked out my fabric and I will go to the wholesale floral market and pick out what I want and leave her to her own devices. 

    I delegate as much as I can on stuff I really dont care about but i know needs to be done. 




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