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FMIL vent!

I know that everyone has their own FMIL stories and mine may seems like nothing compares to others but I just get really annoyed by her.  So a little background information, my FI and I have been dating for 6 years and we got engaged last year and moved in together.  He is the only son and his mom is basically the head of the household (his dad listen to every thing his mom said).  Before we move in together, she has been fixing him food everyday although he is also a good cook himself.  After we moved in together, she insisted to buy us grocery everyweek with the same food that she thought her son loves.  In fact, those food may be his favorite once a week, but not 5 days a week (think 10 pieces of salmon a week).  So we have been trying to tell her that we can go grocery shopping ourselves (and i love grocery shopping) and she doesn't need to worry about us.  She just won't listen and continue to buy everytime she stops by to see us (it's 45 mins drive from her home).  She just can't get over the fact that her son doesn't need her to baby sit him anymore.  Finally i convinced my FI that we will go visit her once a week instead and will pick up the food when we leave.  I will then go through the food she bought and take out any that we still have plenty at home (like 10 bulbs of garlic).  She then get irritated and said how hard it is for her to walk that far to get our grocery and then we leave them at her house and they go bad.  I will try to tell her that then don't buy anymore, i've told you that we still have plenty of food at home and we don't need them.  Anyway, that's the grocery part that will never end.  She also likes to call my FI every night, just to ask him what he had for dinner, whether or not he needs anymore food, blablabla...There's one time that my FI didn't pick up her phone, she called 3 times and left 2 messages, and i heard her messages because my FI turned on the speaker phone, and she basically said the same thing "why don't you pick up mama's phone huh?  you don't call mama anymore now and when i call you you don't pick up the phone.  what are you doing and you can't pick up the phone?  call me back when you hear this message and why you still haven't call me back?  I'll call you again tomorrow and remember to pick up the phone".  I was like WTF....sorry about my language but why can't she just let her son go?  She also likes to come to our house without notice.  Like today, she called us yesterday about our plans for the weekend, whether or not we are going to her house so she can get us grocery.  FI told her that we are still working on some wedding plans (we are getting married in June) and will let her know if we are coming by Thursday.  Today, she called my FI at noon that they are coming to our house at 4 and we won't be coming home till after 6.  My FI called me and it just hit my nerves, why can't they decide yesterday that they are coming today instead of this afternoon?  This is not the first time she has done this, she came to our place 3 or 4 times b4 without noticing us until the day of, then she will go through our house sweeping, cleaning out our garbage, fixing our bed...then tell us all about it.  She just want to make me feel bad that i didn't clean the house well and she can still sweep out dog hair on our floor.  The thing is, we are both working and the only time we can clean up is the weekend, which already took away by going to their house every weekend.  We try to clean lightly once a week and deep clean once every two weeks with vacumming and mopping the floor.  One time even with us just deep cleaned the sunday b4, she came on wednesday and still say that she can sweep out dog hair on the floor and it's bad for our health.  BTW, she has been trying to tell us to give away our five year old lab if we have babies, which will never happen.  Why is that her business at all?  Now i can't even imagine on what will happen if we have a baby....i guess she will gone nuts about our house and our food and take over our lives. 
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Re: FMIL vent!

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:c5abf8b4-f1f0-438a-9f5d-64902b9a8ca4">FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know that everyone has their own FMIL stories and mine may seems like nothing compares to others but I just get really annoyed by her.  So a little background information, my FI and I have been dating for 6 years and we got engaged last year and moved in together.  He is the only son and his mom is basically the head of the household (his dad listen to every thing his mom said).  Before we move in together, she has been fixing him food everyday although he is also a good cook himself.  After we moved in together, she insisted to buy us grocery everyweek with the same food that she thought her son loves.  In fact, those food may be his favorite once a week, but not 5 days a week (think 10 pieces of salmon a week).  So we have been trying to tell her that we can go grocery shopping ourselves (and i love grocery shopping) and she doesn't need to worry about us.  She just won't listen and continue to buy everytime she stops by to see us (it's 45 mins drive from her home).  She just can't get over the fact that her son doesn't need her to baby sit him anymore.  Finally i convinced my FI that we will go visit her once a week instead and will pick up the food when we leave.  I will then go through the food she bought and take out any that we still have plenty at home (like 10 bulbs of garlic).  She then get irritated and said how hard it is for her to walk that far to get our grocery and then we leave them at her house and they go bad.  I will try to tell her that then don't buy anymore, i've told you that we still have plenty of food at home and we don't need them.  Anyway, that's the grocery part that will never end.  She also likes to call my FI every night, just to ask him what he had for dinner, whether or not he needs anymore food, blablabla...There's one time that my FI didn't pick up her phone, she called 3 times and left 2 messages, and i heard her messages because my FI turned on the speaker phone, and she basically said the same thing "why don't you pick up mama's phone huh?  you don't call mama anymore now and when i call you you don't pick up the phone.  what are you doing and you can't pick up the phone?  call me back when you hear this message and why you still haven't call me back?  I'll call you again tomorrow and remember to pick up the phone".  I was like WTF....sorry about my language but why can't she just let her son go?  She also likes to come to our house without notice.  Like today, she called us yesterday about our plans for the weekend, whether or not we are going to her house so she can get us grocery.  FI told her that we are still working on some wedding plans (we are getting married in June) and will let her know if we are coming by Thursday.  Today, she called my FI at noon that they are coming to our house at 4 and we won't be coming home till after 6.  My FI called me and it just hit my nerves, why can't they decide yesterday that they are coming today instead of this afternoon?  This is not the first time she has done this, she came to our place 3 or 4 times b4 without noticing us until the day of, then she will go through our house sweeping, cleaning out our garbage, fixing our bed...then tell us all about it.  She just want to make me feel bad that i didn't clean the house well and she can still sweep out dog hair on our floor.  The thing is, we are both working and the only time we can clean up is the weekend, which already took away by going to their house every weekend.  We try to clean lightly once a week and deep clean once every two weeks with vacumming and mopping the floor.  One time even with us just deep cleaned the sunday b4, she came on wednesday and still say that she can sweep out dog hair on the floor and it's bad for our health.  BTW, she has been trying to tell us to give away our five year old lab if we have babies, which will never happen.  Why is that her business at all?  Now i can't even imagine on what will happen if we have a baby....i guess she will gone nuts about our house and our food and take over our lives. 
    Posted by snoweyesimage[/QUOTE]


    Holy hell. That is nuts. Your fiance needs to set boundaries with her.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Holy mother of God, someone (ie your FI) needs to tell her to back off.  She doesn't seem to understand that he's a grown man.

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

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    Believe me, even he tried tell her that we don't need any more grocery and she just won't listen.  Everytime we go to her house and saw 5 bags of grocery and my FI will just look to me and said "i told her but she didn't listen".  That's why i started just go through the food and leave stuff back as a lesson for her not to buy anymore to waste money. 
    [QUOTE]In Response to FMIL vent! : Holy hell. That is nuts. Your fiance needs to set boundaries with her.
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
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    No, she doesn't.  And the worst thing is..my FI actually got irritated one time after so many times that I asked him to tell his mom to stop doing what she is doing...he even asked me why am i so irritated that his mom is taking care of us....i guess even he doesn't understand why am i irrated..I really wanna say to him that we got our own lives..we don't need your mom to take care of us anymore....I can take care of you!  but i think that's too harsh???  I just don't know what else to do but to just let her do what she wants...
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:50302140-672a-4ed5-8103-7b852f987db2">Re: FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Holy mother of God, someone (ie your FI) needs to tell her to back off.  She doesn't seem to understand that he's a grown man.
    Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]
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    Your FI needs to grow a backbone. The fact that he told her but then shrugs and just says "she won't listen" means he's really not standing up to her. Dear God, this will only get worse - what will happen when you have kids? Your FI needs to sit down with her now, lay down some SERIOUS HARD boundaries and then stick to them. For one, I would NOT agree to go there every weekend - that's enabling her possessive behavior. For another, I would absolutely refuse the groceries. Don't just go through them and pick and choose little bits, just refuse them. Have your FI her that you do not want her grocery shopping for you and that he has told her this multiple times. And if she calls you day of to tell you she's coming, tell her that that's unfortunate because you won't be home. Then don't be home. Go to a restaurant, a movie, a bar, whatever, but let her know that she can't just drop by unannounced and be catered to.

    Perhaps I'm harsh but I just really fear for you if this goes on and you have kids...
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    edited March 2013
    1.Change the locks on your home and don't give FMIL the key.
    2. Fi should tell his mother he will call her once a week at a certain time. Don't pick up her phone calls.
    3. Tell her you don't need the groceries so you will be donating them to a soup kitchen or community pantry is she tries to force them on you.
    4. Make an appointment for you and your Fi with a relationship counselor. He needs to cut the apron strings. 
    If you think this lady is an overbearing mother, just wait until she's a grandmother. 
     

                       
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    Von and Maire are spot on. You have Fi problem, not a FMIL problem.
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    You've pretty much described what my grandparents' marriage was like until Grandpa's mother finally broke them up.  My grandmother had zero say in anything while my grandfather and his mother made all the decisons.  He was a mama's boy until the day she died--at 96 years old.  Because those horrid old bats live FOREVER.  The difference was that he did the grocery shopping for his mother, but not for his wife (his mom could drive and didn't work, whereas my grandmother worked full-time).  There were a hundred other problems but they all stemmed from ONE thing: Grandpa wouldn't stand up to his mother and chose her over his wife.

    You and your fiance need to get into counseling right away; if he doesn't start standing up against his mom, you need to leave him.  I promise you that it will only get worse--it's better to end things before the wedding and before kids enter the picture.  I know that your wedding is soon, but postpone it if you need to.
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    Change your locks and don't give FMIL a key. And have a discussion with your FI about his mother - there needs to be boundaries and he needs to do more than just say, "Oh, I asked her not to." Seriously - boundary issues.
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    Ladies, thanks for all your advices....I know that it's also my FI's problem, but he has been that way all his life....I feel like I either have to take it or we may have to split up...I don't know if there's anybody out there that have the same problem and was successfuly changed their husband's behavior (instead of splitting up)..if there is, please let me know how you deal with it.  An update about yesterday, so we got home, his mother was in the kitchen cooking 10 different dishes (like she always does) and his dad was in our yard digging...My FI asked what he was doing, apparently, he didn't like that our yard has a slope in the back to the fence so he was trying to dig it and smooth it out.  So he spent all day..digged out a foot of the dirt...and left us with an uneven line that now we have to spend time and money to fill it back with more soil.  My FI got really upset and said to his parents that they shouldn't just mess up our yard without telling us first about it.  His dad also got upset and said sorry but in a way just to make us feel bad that he spent all those time digging up our yard and now he has to say sorry to us.  I was kinda stuck in the middle...during the entire dinner trying to make the atmosphere better while i'm also upset that now we have to fix their mess.  I love my FI and i don't want to end up splitting up with him..but even sometime he get upset with his parents but his parents just don't seem to care and keep doing their things without even telling us that they are going to do it.  And about the keys to our home...i have to say that it's our fault...his mother loan us our down payment which i've refused in the first place and told my FI that we should just get a condo instead of a house if we can't afford it, but his mom insisted that we should take her money and just pay her back later.  With that reason, when she asked my FI for the key, he couldn't say no to her because techically we owe her money.  I don't think we will ever take the key back or change the locks but i hope that one day my FI will realize that they are making too much mess and that they shouldn't come to our house b4 we get home. 
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    Go to counselling. Now. Seriously. The amount of influence they have over your FI is kind of scary. If your FI refuses, you really should consider at least postponing the wedding if not possibly calling it off.

    You're right that you can't make him change - he needs to make the change himself. But he will need serious, professional help to do so. You, on the other hand, can make a change. You can stand up for YOUR rights in this relationship. I'm not a fan of ultimatums but you need to protect yourself here. Get into counselling before these people put you through years and years of misery.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:a9dfae1c-9120-4c41-9f21-a285043faa73">Re: FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ladies, thanks for all your advices....I know that it's also my FI's problem, but he has been that way all his life...<strong>.I feel like I either have to take it or we may have to split up</strong>...I don't know if there's anybody out there that have the same problem and was <strong>successfuly changed their husband's behavior (instead of splitting up)</strong>..if there is, please let me know how you deal with it.  An update about yesterday, so we got home, his mother was in the kitchen cooking 10 different dishes (like she always does) and his dad was in our yard digging...My FI asked what he was doing, apparently, he didn't like that our yard has a slope in the back to the fence so he was trying to dig it and smooth it out.  So he spent all day..digged out a foot of the dirt...and left us with an uneven line that now we have to spend time and money to fill it back with more soil.  My FI got really upset and said to his parents that they shouldn't just mess up our yard without telling us first about it.  His dad also got upset and said sorry but in a way just to make us feel bad that he spent all those time digging up our yard and now he has to say sorry to us.  I was kinda stuck in the middle...during the entire dinner trying to make the atmosphere better while i'm also upset that now we have to fix their mess.  I love my FI and i don't want to end up splitting up with him..but even sometime he get upset with his parents but his parents just don't seem to care and keep doing their things without even telling us that they are going to do it.  And about the keys to our home...i have to say that it's our fault...his mother loan us our down payment which i've refused in the first place and told my FI that we should just get a condo instead of a house if we can't afford it, but his mom insisted that we should take her money and just pay her back later.  With that reason, when she asked my FI for the key, he couldn't say no to her because techically we owe her money.  I don't think we will ever take the key back or change the locks but i hope that one day my FI will realize that they are making too much mess and that they shouldn't come to our house b4 we get home. 
    Posted by snoweyesimage[/QUOTE]

    1.  I'm telling you, if you're already upset about this and unhappy with how things are, you're only going to "take it" until you can't take it anymore and you divorce.  Once you're married and continue to have these fights with your husband, he's going to say "Then why did you marry me?  It's always been like this."

    2.  You can't go into a marriage expecting someone to change when they show no desire to change.  My FH never remembers to close cabinet doors and opens sodas or beers and doesn't finish them--am I going to try to get him to think about these things to save me some annoyance?  Sure.  Will it harm our relationship if he never gets it?  Nope.  Those things aren't dealbreakers.

    I dated a guy for several years who didn't put me first and I'm thankful every day that we broke up even though I loved him, loved his family, and wanted to marry him.  I know that you don't want to split up, no one does.  But if he doesn't change, you WILL split up and it would be better now than later.

    Tell him how you feel.  Say that you don't feel comfortable marrying him until he starts setting boundaries with his parents.  Ask to go to counseling because a therapist can give him ideas on how to set those boundaries.  If he's unwilling to go to counseling, break up.

    Honestly, if the threat of not marrying him doesn't get his butt in gear then you already have your answer--he doesn't care enough to work on things.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:b434aa36-34ca-448f-bd26-4ff8c90ac690">Re: FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL vent! : 1.  I'm telling you, if you're already upset about this and unhappy with how things are, you're only going to "take it" until you can't take it anymore and you divorce.  Once you're married and continue to have these fights with your husband, he's going to say <strong>"Then why did you marry me?  It's always been like this."</strong> Posted by stantokm[/QUOTE]

    And he will be 100% correct. Saying "I do" means you're accepting him as he is at that moment in time. He was a mama's boy BF, he's a mama's boy FI; he WILL become a mama's boy husband. You know what you'll be signing up for if you marry him and you'll have absolutely no right to ever complain about it. You're going into this with your eyes wide open. A piece of jewelry will not change him. His signature on a piece of paper will not change him. YOU WILL NOT CHANGE HIM. He has to want to change himself, and he is showing you over and over and over again that he has no desire to do that.

    THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE.
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    When we bought our house, my MIL kept giving us things for the house such as mismatched dishes, old small kitchen appliances, etc. I told my husband that we already have a new set of dishes and appliances and don't need this. So, he gave everything back to his mom. She stop sending us stuff for the house. Then, she started giving us groceries, but we got 1 bag every two weeks. My husband would eat the groceries, and they didn't go to waste. We were grateful by her kind gesture.

    However, my in laws do respect our boundaries and have a key to our home,  but they would never walk inside of our house without us being there. And, they always call first if they want to stop by.

    Your situation is not normal, and your FI needs to talk to his parents about giving both of you space. First, your FIL should call before they show up. When they gave you the money for the house, did they mentioned any strings attached to it? Are they on the deed? If neither apply, you should change the locks immediately. If they purchase 5 bags of groceries, your FI should turn them down every time. He can say, "Oh, we already went grocery shopping, so we don't have the room."
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    Listen to the PPs.  Run. He cares more about his parents than he does you.
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    I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.  Their behavior is not at all normal. My H was a bit of a mama's boy (only child, his dad passed when he was 13), but the few behaviors that irritated me he shut down as soon as I mentioned them.  As PPs have said the first thing you need to do is get on the same page with your FI or get out.  There is no third option.  (Well I guess being miserable for years is the third option...)

    IF he is willing to get on the same page as you, do as PPs have said:
    1) change the locks immediately.  I understand you feel guilty since they helped you buy the home, but owing them money does NOT mean they need a key to your house.  When they realize the locks have been changed and ask for a new one your FI should tell them point blank "you have not respected our privacy so we will not be giving you another key".  If you change the door knobs (which is pretty simple to do yourself) kwikset has a function where you can change the lock/keys yourself as many times as you want as long as you have the master key, so if you ever HAVE to give her a key (she's watching things while you're OOT or something) you could change the locks again with little/no cost when you get home

    2) refuse anything she purchases for you.  Don't just pick it over for what you want.  Say no.

    3) Pay them back ASAP.  scrimp and save to return that loan.  You dont need them holding anything over your heads.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:0ad81ec1-42b2-4250-a189-813b7f9cc030">Re: FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.  Their behavior is not at all normal. My H was a bit of a mama's boy (only child, his dad passed when he was 13), but the few behaviors that irritated me he shut down as soon as I mentioned them.  As PPs have said the first thing you need to do is get on the same page with your FI or get out.  There is no third option.  (Well I guess being miserable for years is the third option...) IF he is willing to get on the same page as you, do as PPs have said: 1) change the locks immediately.  I understand you feel guilty since they helped you buy the home, but owing them money does NOT mean they need a key to your house.  When they realize the locks have been changed and ask for a new one your FI should tell them point blank "you have not respected our privacy so we will not be giving you another key".  If you change the door knobs (which is pretty simple to do yourself) kwikset has a function where you can change the lock/keys yourself as many times as you want as long as you have the master key, so if you ever HAVE to give her a key (she's watching things while you're OOT or something) you could change the locks again with little/no cost when you get home 2) refuse anything she purchases for you.  Don't just pick it over for what you want.  Say no. 3) Pay them back ASAP.  scrimp and save to return that loan.  You dont need them holding anything over your heads.
    Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

    All of this. Loaning you money, while nice, does not mean that they get to walk into your house anytime they want. CHANGE THE LOCKS and pay them back asap. Go to counseling asap - your marriage will be between 3 people: you, your FI and your FMIL.
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    I'm glad you vented.  That always makes me feel better and I hope you do too.  I'd like to give you another point of view.  Not to excuse your FMIL's extreme behavior which is definitely over the top.  Fast forward 30 years and you may someday be that mother who is dealing with this situation. You have raised your child for more than 20 years, devotedly. Your son has allowed you to continue to mother him even as an adult.  It's hard to deal with being the mother of adult children and figuring out how to remain part of the lives of these people who have meant so much to you.  It's very hard to realize that you are now only on the periphery of their lives.  You are learning just as little children have to learn...you have never been the mother of an adult child before . It takes A LOT of getting used to.  It's very hard these days to be a mother of an adult son. All the media villifies mothers-in-law. It's frightening to think that you have to navigate this new territory, learn new behaviors, and to know that every false step you make is trounced on and held up to ridicule.  You want to remain important to him, as you have been in the past, and it seems like everything is changing so fast, before you have had time to sort it out and learn about the new role you need to assume.  You hope your son's wife will have patience with your mistakes and that you will remain welcome in his life and his home.  You keep reminding yourself that you want him to be happy with his new life, but it's hard to put aside all your own desires to maintain a key role in his life.  I hope you can find a way to set some boundaries so that you can maintain your patience and help her adjust without feeling frightened that she is going to lose her son. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:97fbc1ab-b625-4a5f-833a-1cf649303c08">Re: FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I  <strong>I hope you can find a way to set some boundaries so that you can maintain your patience and help her adjust without feeling frightened that she is going to lose her son.</strong> 
    Posted by semu[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It sounds like she has tried to set boundries.  Lots of times. But unless there are two people equally maintaining those boundries, they don't work.  </div><div>
    </div><div>While I understand that it might be hard for the mom, this is so over the top. She's a Helicopter Parent that needs to move on.  By not wanting to lose her son, she's actually hurting him and his future marriage. 

    </div>
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    Thanks again everyone for your advice.  I talked to my FI today about setting boundaries with FMIL.  He didn't understand why it has to be strick rules but he agreed after i explained that we have just to have set rules in case if his mom step over the boundaries.  He still seems to protect his mom which is understandable when i said she calls way too often and he said the amount has been reduced since he told her to leave VM if he can't pick up the phone.  I asked him about changing the lock but he said that will start a war with his mom and he doesnt want her to hate me thinking that's my idea.  So he agreed that if his mom calls on the day of that she is visiting then we just have to tell her that we already have plans and won't be home.  I'll see if that'll work.  He agreed on won't be taking anymore grocery from now on, I hope we can stick to that because his mom can be really pushy and sometime even I have a hard telling her no.  She will even beg if we refuse too hard....i hope we can stand to our ground with that.  I'm agree with Semu that sometimes when i put myself into her point of view, i understand that it's hard for her to stop all she has been doing for her son all of a suddent.  That's why i waited till now to vent...it's been over 6 months now since we moved in together i think it's time for her to get it that we can take care of ourselves.  We are getting married in 2 months and we've been dating for so long it's really impossible for me to leave him.  I just want to find a way to solve this b4 this getting worst.  So thanks for all your advices, i'll keep you all posted.
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:80928860-312c-4207-8140-7a2ee50d4cb9">Re: FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks again everyone for your advice.  I talked to my FI today about setting boundaries with FMIL.  He didn't understand why it has to be strick rules but he agreed after i explained that we have just to have set rules in case if his mom step over the boundaries.  when i said she calls way too often and he said the amount has been reduced since he told her to leave VM if he can't pick up the phone.  I asked him about changing the<strong>He still seems to protect his mom which is understandable </strong> lock but he said that will start a war with his mom andhe doesnt want her to hate me thinking that's my idea<strong>.</strong>  So he agreed that if his mom calls on the day of that she is visiting then we just have to tell her that we already have plans and won't be home.  I'll see if that'll work.  He agreed on won't be taking anymore grocery from now on, I hope we can stick to that because his mom can be really pushy and sometime even I have a hard telling her no.  She will even beg if we refuse too hard....i hope we can stand to our ground with that.  I'm agree with Semu that sometimes when i put myself into her point of view, i understand that it's hard for her to stop all she has been doing for her son all of a suddent.  That's why i waited till now to vent...it's been over 6 months now since we moved in together i think it's time for her to get it that we can take care of ourselves.  We are getting married in 2 months and we've been dating for so long it's really impossible for me to leave him.  I just want to find a way to solve this b4 this getting worst.  So thanks for all your advices, i'll keep you all posted.
    Posted by snoweyesimage[/QUOTE]

    So nothing was accomplished. And now you are making up excuses for him

    I am sorry but it sounds like he will never change. Get ready for your MIL, her 10 friends and a video camera to be in the delivery room when you have your first child because your husband just could stand up to Mommy.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:80928860-312c-4207-8140-7a2ee50d4cb9">Re: FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE] i think it's time for her to get it that we can take care of ourselves... I just want to find a way to solve this b4 this getting worst.  So thanks for all your advices, i'll keep you all posted.
    Posted by snoweyesimage[/QUOTE]
    OP,  Unless you both stick your ground, and that is going to include probably hurting her feelings, things will not get better.   If you want her to stop being over involved, you have to force the issue.  Your FI has to force the issue, and you both have to not cave.  It doesn't matter how long you wait for her,<u style="font-weight:bold;"> SHE WILL NOT GET "IT"! </u> Her son is her possession, and it may take you both going to counselling to for him to see how unhealthy this relationship is between the two of them. <div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:80928860-312c-4207-8140-7a2ee50d4cb9">Re: FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks again everyone for your advice.  I talked to my FI today about setting boundaries with FMIL.  He didn't understand why it has to be strick rules but he agreed after i explained that we have just to have set rules in case if his mom step over the boundaries. <strong> He still seems to protect his mom which is understandable</strong> when i said she calls way too often and he said the amount has been reduced since he told her to leave VM if he can't pick up the phone.  I asked him about changing the lock but he said that will start a war with his mom and he doesnt want her to hate me thinking that's my idea.  So he agreed that if his mom calls on the day of that she is visiting then we just have to tell her that we already have plans and won't be home.  I'll see if that'll work.  He agreed on won't be taking anymore grocery from now on, I hope we can stick to that because his mom can be really pushy and sometime even I have a hard telling her no.  She will even beg if we refuse too hard....i hope we can stand to our ground with that.  I'm agree with Semu that sometimes when i put myself into her point of view, i understand that it's hard for her to stop all she has been doing for her son all of a suddent.  That's why i waited till now to vent...it's been over 6 months now since we moved in together i think it's time for her to get it that we can take care of ourselves.  We are getting married in 2 months and we've been dating for so long it's really impossible for me to leave him.  I just want to find a way to solve this b4 this getting worst.  So thanks for all your advices, i'll keep you all posted.
    Posted by snoweyesimage[/QUOTE]

    Please please PLEASE seek professional counselling. Please. The fact that he doesn't see a problem with her behavior is a problem. This will not be solved by him begrudgingly giving you an inch while he gives her a mile. You need a third party, trained to deal with marital and relationship issues, who will help you fix this or it will not get fixed. Trust me, I am not usually hugely into counselling - I'm skittish of it myself - but this is really something that could use outside help. Honestly, any marriage can. I am SO thankful for the sessions we had with our priest and we weren't dealing with these sort of issues.

    Also, as to the bolded, that's really <u><strong>not</strong></u> understandable and ok. You are going to be his <strong>wife</strong>. You take precedence over anyone. He should not be defending her at the expense of you and your needs and your relationship.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:80928860-312c-4207-8140-7a2ee50d4cb9">Re: FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks again everyone for your advice.  I talked to my FI today about setting boundaries with FMIL.  He didn't understand why it has to be strick rules but he agreed after i explained that we have just to have set rules in case if his mom step over the boundaries.  He still seems to protect his mom which is understandable when i said she calls way too often and he said the amount has been reduced since he told her to leave VM if he can't pick up the phone.  I asked him about changing the lock but he said that will start a war with his mom and he doesnt want her to hate me thinking that's my idea.  So he agreed that if his mom calls on the day of that she is visiting then we just have to tell her that we already have plans and won't be home.  I'll see if that'll work.  He agreed on won't be taking anymore grocery from now on, I hope we can stick to that because his mom can be really pushy and sometime even I have a hard telling her no.  She will even beg if we refuse too hard....i hope we can stand to our ground with that.  I'm agree with Semu that sometimes when i put myself into her point of view, i understand that it's hard for her to stop all she has been doing for her son all of a suddent.  That's why i waited till now to vent...it's been over 6 months now since we moved in together i think it's time for her to get it that we can take care of ourselves.  <strong>We are getting married in 2 months and we've been dating for so long it's really impossible for me to leave him. </strong> I just want to find a way to solve this b4 this getting worst.  So thanks for all your advices, i'll keep you all posted.
    Posted by snoweyesimage[/QUOTE]

    <div>A divorce is a lot more expensive than a canceled or postponed wedding.  Seems like he's pulling a move much like my ex-bf: he's not treating you well at all so that when he gives you an inch (as a PP said) by saying he'll try to do better, you're thrilled and willing to overlook the several times in the future where he doesn't actually try at all.</div><div>
    </div><div>Ideally, you would talk to him and he'd agree with you completely and immediately start making changes.  But please don't marry him until you're both in agreement about all actions that need to happen.  Please go to counseling so that a third party can tell him that his family dynamic is wacko and he won't think that you're the only one with a problem.</div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    I agree with all of the other posters that you need to get counseling.  I am a MOB and my DD and I are very close.  However, I knew that when she moved in with her BF (now DH) I had to give them space. It was hard, but important to do as a parent.  SIL's mom and I joke, ' Don't you just hate that you raise them to be responsible and independent, and damn it, if they just don't go and do it."'

    You FMIL needs to learn this and has had enough time to figure it out.  If FI won't out and out ask for the key back, or change the locks, he needs to at least tell her that she is not to use the key to let herself in whenever she wants.  If she doesn't listen, then he needs to agree to change the locks at her first offense.  If you stay in this relationship and she still doesn't change, sell the house and pay them back.  Maybe that will wake her up that she can't use the  money they lent you as a weapon to control your lives.

    Good luck and I hope you work this out.  If things don't change, don't stay just because you have 6 years invested in the relationship.  You will only end up divorced or miserable.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-vent-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9095f338-f3d8-4464-9f83-3fc0f2a18ecbPost:c5abf8b4-f1f0-438a-9f5d-64902b9a8ca4">FMIL vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know that everyone has their own FMIL stories and mine may seems like nothing compares to others but I just get really annoyed by her.  So a little background information, my FI and I have been dating for 6 years and we got engaged last year and moved in together.  He is the only son and his mom is basically the head of the household (his dad listen to every thing his mom said).  Before we move in together, she has been fixing him food everyday although he is also a good cook himself.  After we moved in together, she insisted to buy us grocery everyweek with the same food that she thought her son loves.  In fact, those food may be his favorite once a week, but not 5 days a week (think 10 pieces of salmon a week).  So we have been trying to tell her that we can go grocery shopping ourselves (and i love grocery shopping) and she doesn't need to worry about us.  She just won't listen and continue to buy everytime she stops by to see us (it's 45 mins drive from her home).  She just can't get over the fact that her son doesn't need her to baby sit him anymore.  Finally i convinced my FI that we will go visit her once a week instead and will pick up the food when we leave.  I will then go through the food she bought and take out any that we still have plenty at home (like 10 bulbs of garlic).  She then get irritated and said how hard it is for her to walk that far to get our grocery and then we leave them at her house and they go bad.  I will try to tell her that then don't buy anymore, i've told you that we still have plenty of food at home and we don't need them.  Anyway, that's the grocery part that will never end.  She also likes to call my FI every night, just to ask him what he had for dinner, whether or not he needs anymore food, blablabla...There's one time that my FI didn't pick up her phone, she called 3 times and left 2 messages, and i heard her messages because my FI turned on the speaker phone, and she basically said the same thing "why don't you pick up mama's phone huh?  you don't call mama anymore now and when i call you you don't pick up the phone.  what are you doing and you can't pick up the phone?  call me back when you hear this message and why you still haven't call me back?  I'll call you again tomorrow and remember to pick up the phone".  I was like WTF....sorry about my language but why can't she just let her son go?  She also likes to come to our house without notice.  Like today, she called us yesterday about our plans for the weekend, whether or not we are going to her house so she can get us grocery.  FI told her that we are still working on some wedding plans (we are getting married in June) and will let her know if we are coming by Thursday.  Today, she called my FI at noon that they are coming to our house at 4 and we won't be coming home till after 6.  My FI called me and it just hit my nerves, why can't they decide yesterday that they are coming today instead of this afternoon?  This is not the first time she has done this, she came to our place 3 or 4 times b4 without noticing us until the day of, then she will go through our house sweeping, cleaning out our garbage, fixing our bed...then tell us all about it.  She just want to make me feel bad that i didn't clean the house well and she can still sweep out dog hair on our floor.  The thing is, we are both working and the only time we can clean up is the weekend, which already took away by going to their house every weekend.  We try to clean lightly once a week and deep clean once every two weeks with vacumming and mopping the floor.  One time even with us just deep cleaned the sunday b4, she came on wednesday and still say that she can sweep out dog hair on the floor and it's bad for our health.  BTW, she has been trying to tell us to give away our five year old lab if we have babies, which will never happen.  Why is that her business at all?  Now i can't even imagine on what will happen if we have a baby....i guess she will gone nuts about our house and our food and take over our lives. 
    Posted by snoweyesimage[/QUOTE]

    Your FI made a mistake by giving his mom a key. Your Fi is also the problem here He needs to tell him mom to back off. However, I am worried that this will create more issues for you as she may take that as her son is only telling her to back off because his fiance (YOU) don't like her or that you are trying to "steal" him away. She sounds like the mother on everybody loves raymond. I would have a serious conversation with you FI and tell him that he needs to set boundaries with her because this is not just about him now. its about you. she is beyond over bearing. You are an adult, he is an adult. SHe should not be buying your groceries anymore. I don't know how you deal with it by not flipping out- if someone came to MY HOUSE, and started to clean for me- I would flip. hahaha- I don't care who it is-its rude.
  • Options
    It's not impossible for you to leave him. It's actually very possible. People call off weddings every day. People call off weddings with less than two months to go every day. You'd just rather bury your head in the sand and keep telling yourself that he'll change after the wedding and his mother will change after the wedding.

    Well, you know the old saying about shiating in one hand, wishing in the other, and seeing which one fills up faster? It's a saying for a reason.

    Be sure to keep in contact with us after the wedding so you can tell us about how wrong we were and how your husband now puts you first instead of mommy. We'd love to be wrong, but we won't be.

    And remember -- June 7 is the last day you ever get to complain about his mother or his momma's boy ways. June 8 and beyond, the way she behaves, the way he allows it, and the way he treats you when she is in the equation is all on you. When you want somebody to blame for your miserable marriage, look no further than the mirror.
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    I know its not a funny sitcom, but ever seen Everybody Loves Raymond?

    His mom is constantly coming over every minute of every day, manipulating, cleaning, cooking, etc and Raymond says nothing!

    Enough said, at this point its only your decision. You either get to stand up for YOURSELF or have a relationship that involves 3, sooner or later maybe even 2 (your husband and his mommy). Its your choice. 

    FIrst step, get counseling, do not get married in June unless you have.  
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    OP, I know that you want us to tell you that he can change (he CAN if HE wants to) and everything will be all right, but we really can't.  Everyone has seen a lot on these boards--like bridezillas who blame all problems on other people--and I usually just roll my eyes and think, "I feel sorry for the guy she's marrying."  But it's rare that I read about a situation and am really, truly concerned about two people getting married.  I keep coming back to this thread because I'm worried about the decision you're making.

    My fiance (I shared your story with him) said that you guys need to ask for the key to your home back.  If they refuse to give it back (red flag), change the locks.  You should do this the very first time that they use their key without permission--IMMEDIATELY after.  He also agreed that you guys need to go to counseling--and that if he isn't willing to stand up to his parents, you need to leave him.

    Keep in mind that every time he doesn't want to stand up to them because "they did this for us" or "it will upset them" or anything like that, he's saying, "I don't want to upset them, but it's okay if I upset YOU because I know that you'll forgive me and there won't be any dire  consequences.  I can do whatever I want because it would be impossible for you to leave me."

    I felt like you once.  I was being mistreated in a relationship, I thought it would get better, and I didn't think that I could end things because MOST things were so great.  Once I was out of the relationship, I could see that the biggest problem was that I was afraid to end things.  I was afraid to upset him by demanding that he treat me better because what if he broke up with me?  I wasted 5 1/2 years on that guy and that relationship so I understand why you feel like it would be impossible to leave.  It's not impossible, though.  And if you thnk it is, then you're going to stay unhappy.  You need to ask yourself if it's possible for you to commit your life to someone who's already committed to someone else--his mother.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    OP, I have to say that I kind of sympathize with you. Simply because my FI was a huge mamas boy before we moved in together. Even when we first moved in together, he would still go see his mom every single day. She did the same things your FMIL did...brought groceries over all the time & called him constantly. At first it was kind of hard for me to deal with but surprisingly, my FI got over it. It took a few months, but now its not like that at all. Dont get me wrong..he still goes and visits his mom alot, but thats because he worries about her. & because his dog lives with his mom. She still buys us groceries sometimes, but I wont complain about it because its really nice that she does that. She even still brings FI soup & apple juice when he doesnt feel good. Whatever. But other than that, she doesnt do anything to push the limits.

    You need to seriously talk with your FI, FMIL and maybe even consider consueling. If giving your FMIL a key to your house was a stipulation for the loan for the down payment on your house, than you never should have accepted the down payment.

    Your FI needs to grow a pair and stick up to his mother. Thats it. Its never going to change unless your FI wants it to.
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