Rude or Thoughtful?

tentothefifthpower

My fiance and I are having a formal wedding in the sense that we (us and the wedding party) are wearing fancy garb because we love dressing up.  After some of the bridesmaids let it slip that they were wearing long gowns, a lot of guests have let us know how excited they are to finally "wear that gown in the back of the closet" or "dress up a la Mad Men."  We really don't care what people wear as long as they are ready to party and don't show up naked

The problem lies with the Mothers.  My mom is busting out with a custom made gown.  She thinks it would be thoughtless of me to not tell Fiance's mom and stepmom to warn them that people are dressing up and that they should, too.  I think it'd be rude of me to tell them what to wear if they don't ask me and that they should wear what they want.  They aren't the type to dress up in more than a nice cardigan and slacks and I wouldn't want to put a financial burden on them by having to get new dresses.  But I also don't want them to feel uncomfortable or out of place.

So would it be thoughtful or rude if I gave them a heads up on what most people are wearing?

erinlin25

unless you are having a true "black-tie" (full top shelf open bar, 5 course meal, live band, etc) you shouldn't say anywhere on an invitation or even the website of what the attire "should" be.  The formality of the invitation itself, location, time of day, should indicate to guests how formal the event is.  People can of course ask and can get the hint that they should dress nicer.  If its not a true black tie, people will be fine with a cocktail type dress or even a nice pants suit.

Has your FMIL or anyone asked about attire?  You can talk about it with family and if they get the sense that people are dressing up they can spread the word.  It is still their choice whether or not they dress as formal.  People may show up not "formal" but that is OK if you are not hosting a black tie event.  Either have your FI drop hints to his mom, or your mom or yourself can start a convo with what she plans on wearing-- it may open the conversation to what others are wearing so its not so akward.  

kmmssg

I'm a MOB.  I am all about the moms dressing to their own taste.  I think you should make sure they have a strong clue about the formality of your wedding and let it go at that.  

Make sure they know your girls will be in long gowns and you can certainly fit into discussion that "yeah, I was so surprised when Amy said she was looking forward to wearing that gown in the back of her closet.  She said she was really looking forward to dressing up."  You could also find a way to mention that your mom is having a gown custom made.  Just do it in passing, but not passive-aggressively if you know what I mean.

It is absolutely correct that you shouldn't dictate or tell them what to wear, but you might save some embarrassment to FMIL and SFMIL by popping those little details in conversations.  If I was a MOG who wasn't involved in planning and didn't realize this, I would feel so embarrassed to be under-dressed at my son's wedding.

Typed without my glasses because they are upstairs and I am not.  Hope that came out right.

winelover123

Have they asked what to wear to the wedding? If they do tell them what others are planning to wear.

kbsmom1

second NYU Girl.....I would hate for the MOG to feel underdressed and feel like someone should have mentioned that A LOT of guests were wearing long gowns...esp at your sons wedding.sharing what others will wear does not equal you should wear X..

MairePoppy

Another MOB, here. I agree 100% with kmmssg.

Let FMIL know what the others are wearing. I would feel out of place if I showed up under or over dressed for my own daughter's or son's wedding. 

tentothefifthpower

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rude-or-thoughtful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9e23090d-6c0c-4229-a292-7d1fec06365cPost:a61bcd57-25f6-45a5-9c11-2d00ee512502">Re: Rude or Thoughtful?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your wedding is in May 2014. I'm certain your in-laws probably aren't thinking about their attire yet.  They'll probably ask what everyone is wearing closer to the date. The MIL would probably want to know more than a SIL would....the siblings' attire isn't that important. I don't think you'd be rude to drop it into a casual conversation closer to the date.  I, too, would be embarrassed if I were the only mom who was underdressed.  There are lots of innocent, casual ways to discuss wedding attire and "let it slip" that others are dressing up. Then she does whatever she wnts with the info.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>The reason I ask this question so early is because FI's mom lives in the midwest, on a fixed income.  She needs the year to save up just for the trip.  So if I were to just casually drop info about what other people would wearing, she would also want the extra time to save up for a dress (if she really wanted to get one).  Again, I want her to wear what she wants to wear, but I also want her to feel special and comfortable.</div>

beautiflaw

Don't bring it up unless they bring it up. Closer to time someone might bring it up and say, "I wonder what I should wear..." and then you can just say, "Well so and so said they were planning to wear..." and then go from there. If you are really worried about it, you could say, "So-and-so was telling me the other day about the dress she plans to wear. I think it sounds adorable! She said blah blah blah" and then from there they will know what other people are planning to wear and can dress however they want having been informed.