Future MIL SIL making me CRAZY

Sarahdawn425

My fiance's mother and sister are about to drive me insane. I'm sure we've ALL heard that before...lol First thing after we started talking weddings, his sister immediately invited herself to be a bridesmaid. Now I don't have any idea how to get out of it. She's looking at dresses and texting me constantly. When I told her that I was rethinking my bridesmaids and hasn't made a decision I got texts like "well, if you have to rethink having HIS SISTER in his wedding then it makes me feel like you just don't want me around" and all this other nonsense. I have two major issues with her as a bridesmaid. One, she doesn't work, has no income, and lives with their parents with her two kids. Which means his mother will have to pay for her dress and everything else. And I know that she can't really afford to do that. Secondly, she's extremely overweight I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I don't mean to come across and insensitive, but she can barely stand for more than a few minutes at a time and can't even grocery shop for herself, how is she going to make it through the ceremony? And in heels. I just am at a loss. On top of that I'm having a very hard time finding dresses that I like that she can wear. I have very specific ideas about what I want for my bridesmaids, and none of that is accommodating for her. I'm just frustrated. She and I get along pretty well most of the time, but this is putting a huge strain on our relationship.

On top of all of this, my future MIL is pushing all of her ideas on me every chance she gets. From the ceremony to the food, she has an opinion on everything. And has come out and said "I Didn't get my dream wedding, so I'm living vicariously through you." She's not chipping in at all, we're paying for everything ourselves. Yet she's insistent on fancier food than we wanted, adding more people to the wedding like telling me I just had to find a spot for his 12 year old niece because she's old enough to get her feelings hurt. She says all of these things in such a way that its hard for me to refuse without feeling like a complete bh. But she's always very quick to add "but I know it's your wedding" after every statement. I just don't know what to do.

My fianc completely agrees with me, but doesn't want to upset his family by saying anything. And I know he's tired of hearing about it from me. I know I probably sound like a horrid "bridezilla"! Am I making mountains out of molehills?

nda8414

The only part I think you're being unreasonable about is not wanting his sister in the wedding bc she's overweight. Not wanting her in the wedding is fine, but listing that as a reason is not

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-sil-making-me-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b729e8f8-0d76-4ee4-9de4-80890985c6aePost:cf000dbd-0157-4b04-8b28-23ef9963ff47">Future MIL SIL making me CRAZY</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's mother and sister are about to drive me insane. I'm sure we've ALL heard that before...lol First thing after we started talking weddings, his sister immediately invited herself to be a bridesmaid. Now I don't have any idea how to get out of it. She's looking at dresses and texting me constantly. When I told her that I was rethinking my bridesmaids and hasn't made a decision I got texts like "well, if you have to rethink having HIS SISTER in his wedding then it makes me feel like you just don't want me around" and all this other nonsense. I have two major issues with her as a bridesmaid. One, she doesn't work, has no income, and lives with their parents with her two kids. Which means his mother will have to pay for her dress and everything else. And I know that she can't really afford to do that. <strong>Secondly, she's extremely overweight I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I don't mean to come across and insensitive, but she can barely stand for more than a few minutes at a time and can't even grocery shop for herself, how is she going to make it through the ceremony? And in heels. I just am at a loss. On top of that I'm having a very hard time finding dresses that I like that she can wear. I have very specific ideas about what I want for my bridesmaids, and none of that is accommodating for her. </strong>I'm just frustrated. She and I get along pretty well most of the time, but this is putting a huge strain on our relationship. On top of all of this, my future MIL is pushing all of her ideas on me every chance she gets. From the ceremony to the food, she has an opinion on everything. And has come out and said "I Didn't get my dream wedding, so I'm living vicariously through you." She's not chipping in at all, we're paying for everything ourselves. Yet she's insistent on fancier food than we wanted, adding more people to the wedding like telling me I just had to find a spot for his 12 year old niece because she's old enough to get her feelings hurt. She says all of these things in such a way that its hard for me to refuse without feeling like a complete bh. But she's always very quick to add "but I know it's your wedding" after every statement. I just don't know what to do. My fianc completely agrees with me, but doesn't want to upset his family by saying anything. And I know he's tired of hearing about it from me. I know I probably sound like a horrid "bridezilla"! Am I making mountains out of molehills?
Posted by Sarahdawn425[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>And they probably all think you're insensitive.

</div>

Sarahdawn425

And I am being a little insensitive. I agree with that. But I'm not excluding her because of her weight. I had no intentions of asking her to begin with. But now that I've basically been guilted into having her as a bridesmaid those are my concerns. That was my point.

melb2013

You are justified in being upset that your FSIL is pushing herself on you- it's very rude.  Did you actually agree to her being a BM?  If not, I'd suggest to your FI that she stand up for him.  My FSIL is standing up for my FI- I don't particularly like her (at all), but she would die and take us down with her if she weren't in the WP, so she's standing next to her brother, not me.  

I completely agree with what Retread said (as usual).  Your biggest issue is that your FI doesn't want to stand up to his family for you.  If he won't now, he never will. You should now be your FI's first priority.  My father never stood up to his family for my mother- that issue only got better when his parents died, but it is still a sore spot in their marriage.  That's something that needs to be addressed ASAP.

artbyallie

I think one of the best things any bride can do bridesmaid-wise is to give up on their 'vision' of what the wedding party should look like and treat their friends/family well. Which would mean just picking a color and length and telling all your bridesmaids to purchase any dress that fits those criteria, their body, and their budget. Voila!

Really, are you going to be looking at your pictures to count the perfectly-matched, skinny bridesmaids, or are you going to look at them and see the faces of the people you and your groom love?

Sarahdawn425

None of my bridesmaids are "skinny". Neither am I. It's not about being skinny. The only reason I even brought up her weight is because I its a factor I am having to deal with because she pushed her way into the wedding. Good grief I should've just left that out of my original post.

Sarahdawn425

I appreciate the feedback, ladies. I wish that my fianc would stand up to them. I have cut them out of all planning at this point. I made it a point to tell everyone that we will be making decisions that best fit our desires and budget. Hopefully I can hold him to that, because I will be standing by that statement. I know that this is going to put a strain on my relationships with both of them and I'm just trying to keep the peace as much as possible without giving up our wants and going over our budget. It's a tightrope walk that I wasn't fully prepared for when all this started.

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-sil-making-me-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b729e8f8-0d76-4ee4-9de4-80890985c6aePost:d78f58cf-b645-443b-ac53-0019d90a90fe">Re:Future MIL SIL making me CRAZY</a>:
[QUOTE]None of my bridesmaids are "skinny". Neither am I. It's not about being skinny. The only reason I even brought up her weight is because I its a factor I am having to deal with because she pushed her way into the wedding. <strong>Good grief I should've just left that out of my original post.</strong>
Posted by Sarahdawn425[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, you probably should have. I'm glad you at least realize how bad that makes you look for even bringing it up.</div><div>
</div><div>But now that she's in, you can't kick her out. That's the way lifelong in-law grudges are made.</div>

Peledreamsofrain

If you've already invited her into the wedding party (I didn't get a clear answer from the OP), then no, you can't kick her out without creating the biggest soap opera you've ever seen; starring you as the villain.

If you have not officially invited her, why can't your FI have her stand on his side?  "Oh sally, I would love to have you, but it would mean so much more to your brother to have you up there with him."  She's his sister FFS.

Lastly, nobody has a gun to your head to answer texts or calls right away.  Take your time, be tardy in answering and eventually she'll get so frustrated with trying to communicate with you that she won't bother as often.  Maybe she'll call you out on it, but hey, you're super busy right?  So sorry, gosh you'll try harder, blah blah.  Keep it up.  It was my number one weapon for putting off nosy people when I was wedding planning.  

ladytori

When you select your bridesmaids, you should pick people who are very special to you regardless of their physical appearance. You don't need to put all of your bridesmaids in the same dress. You can pick a color and length, and they can select which dresses they like. Also, ask each bridemaids privately their dress budgets.

As for your FMIL, stop sharing your plans with her, and change the subject. For example:

FMIL: I always envisioned a wedding dress with big, puffy sleeves. You should wear something like this.
You: This bean dip is great. You should try it.
FMIL: Your flowers should be roses. My mom picked carnations for me, but you should have roses because I always wanted roses.
You: You really should try this bean dip. This is great. I found this recipe online.

Anise752

Edit: I didnt see your update.  GOOD FOR YOU! Its tough but I have found pushy people respect you when you dont let them push you around.

You can be firm with your MIL in a very delicate manner. Listen to whatever she has to say, thank her for the suggestions, but in the end you sign the check so you make the choice.  Just to make it easy on you, dont make the choice when she is around. But in the end, you will send a very loud message that you are taking ownership of the situation and that though her wedding day sucked this is your day, your turn. 

This may be bringing in other people but start involving your mother in the "decision making" process. Dont let her decide but start bringing her opinions up in the conversation.  Bring up what your mother thinks, what her opinion is. Dropping hints of "Oh, there IS another mother involved here" If they get along offer to have them chat about it.  Heck, even bring your mother.  I doubt any MOB will allow anyone to let their darling bride-to-be be walked all over. I know mine wont. Though that opens the door for the chance of more drama than you can handle. But it is a thought. Take it with a grain of salt. 

As far as your FSIL,the  bottom line is that day is NOT about her at all what so ever period thats the end of it.  Dont let her walk all over you.  My own mother gave me the best advice on dealing with adults who behave this way.  She said she treats adults who behave this way like a child throwing a tantrum - ignore it.  People throw tantrums (not a literal temper tantrum) because there is a pay off because they get something they want out of it.  

As far as your FI goes, it is a tough one.  Before wifey, mommy was #1 woman in his life, I am guessing.  Well now you should be and WILL be.  Your opinion is what matters most. 

Im not trying to be mean when I say this but you have got to take ownership of your role as bride and wife. 

MissMolly

Nope, you aren't making mountains out of molehills at all! What you're dealing with sounds more than a little nutso.

FSIL: Next time you're together, or at the very least, on the phone, and she starts talking about dresses, and other bridesmaid details, nicely but firmly say that you're still reconsidering bridesmaids. When she throws a hissy-fit, nicely tell her that she kind of invited herself to be a BM, and that you never did ask her. Do this kindly and calmly though. I totally agree with you; you shouldn't have to have people in your BP that you'd rather not have there. Plus, if you have certain ideas of what you want for dresses/style, and she cannot accommodate this, then that's unfair to you as well. My FSIL sounds like a carbon copy of yours, actually! The only difference is that mine doesn't have children and isn't pushing herself into our BP!

FMIL: Just because she didn't get her dream wedding, that doesn't mean that she should be the cause of you guys not getting YOUR dream wedding. She shouldn't be living vicariously through you guys, especially if she's not helping with the financial aspect of it. If you guys are paying for everything, your opinion is the only opinion that counts. If your FH can't/won't put his foot down with her, just nicely say to her, "thanks, FMIL for your thoughts on (fill in blank here), but we've already decided what we're doing in regards to that." Even if you haven't decided, or even touched on that particular planning stage, she doesn't need to know that.

Much luck to you!!

MissMolly

Yes, this hit me, and this is good (see bolded text)! I know I spoke a different opinion earlier, but if you did in fact agree to having her in the BP, then kicking her out would set a horrible tone for the future.

Ultimately, if is YOUR wedding day, and if you see a specific style for that day, do it. If you want your girls to be in something specific, there's nothing wrong with that. Give them 2 or 3 choices that you like, and have them pick from there. If your FSIL comes back and says that she's not comfortable in any of the choices, that's something that she needs to deal with. She will, at that point, regret to pushing herself into your BP.


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mil-sil-making-me-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b729e8f8-0d76-4ee4-9de4-80890985c6aePost:52f9f526-644a-436e-8100-ed290c99df0f">Re: Future MIL SIL making me CRAZY</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that she shouldn't have shoved herself into your wedding, and I can guess how it probably happened.....she caught you off guard, backed you into a corner, and your agreement was out of your mouth to get her to shut up.  Then - "Oh, crap, what did I just do?" Well, you've agreed to it, so you can't kick her out now. That will alienate her forever, and start a feud with her AND your FMIL that will last the rest of their lives.  You'll hear about it at every family holiday, funeral, wedding, birth and all other opportunities they can seize to sneak it in. <strong>Limit her involvement to getting her dress and showing up.  She can't stand up for long? Good. There's your revenge.  She'll regret this when she's standing up there for the ceremony, praying for it to be over so she can sit down. To get the texting to stop - "I'm in the process of deciding on dresses as we speak.  Please let me know what your budget is, and I'll send you the choices after I've consulted with the rest of the wedding party.  </strong>I know you're trying to be helpful, but please stop the texting.  I'm in the midst of vendor consultations and really don't have the time for it at the moment. I know you understand, and can't wait to spend more time with you later on in the wedding process."  (Although, of course, you'd rather crawl across broken glass.....) Stop sharing your plans with your FMIL.  When she starts in, tell her, "Thanks, FMIL.  I've got everything under control."  Then change the subject.  Keep changing the subject.  She can't discuss the wedding if you don't participate.  Don't let her pin you down.  Don't let her guilt-trip you.  Nobody can take advantage of you without your consent.  If you cave to her demands now you'll be doing it for the rest of your life, especially if you have children. The fact that your fiance won't stand up for you, and say NO to his mother, is not a good sign for your future relationship.  He has a responsibility to present a united front with his wife.   He should be more concerned with upsetting his wife than his mother, and tell him I said so. Don't cave to THAT, either.  I was happily married in my first marriage (he died), but always felt, and still do, that he did me a big disservice by not standing up for me.  He was a mild-mannered man who didn't like confrontations, and felt it was disrespectful to argue with his parents.  Instead he let ME be disrespected.  They swooped in when he died and made a horrible time worse.  Don't let that happen to you.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]