Moms and Maids

MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...

When we told my future Mother-in-law about the engagement, she was less than thrilled. Actually, she flat out told my fiance she wished I'd said no ("for my sake"), and hasn't said a word about it since. When I asked if she wanted to help with the wedding plans, she simply said "oh, so you weren't kidding. We'll just wait and see."
It sounds like she doesn't want any part of it, which is fine by me. But it's driven a wedge between us. We aren't exactly close, but we've always been friendly and have gone out together a few times to get our nails done or shop. My fiance doesn't have a father, and it's bothering him she's not taking it seriously. How can we get her to come around? Should we just leave her alone until the invitations are sent out?
I don't understand why she's so disapproving. We're young, only 23, but we have plans set for the future and have good jobs. We plan on getting a house shortly after the wedding. We've been together for nearly 2 years. What's the deal?
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Re: MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-doesnt-believe-were-serious-and-wont-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7f3de30-1ee2-4d03-b246-9473406e0f33Post:b2c722ac-a502-48af-a98f-3250dece1984">MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...</a>:
    [QUOTE]When we told my future Mother-in-law about the engagement, she was less than thrilled. Actually, she flat out told my fiance she wished I'd said no ("for my sake"), and hasn't said a word about it since. When I asked if she wanted to help with the wedding plans, she simply said "oh, so you weren't kidding. We'll just wait and see." It sounds like she doesn't want any part of it, which is fine by me. But it's driven a wedge between us. We aren't exactly close, but we've always been friendly and have gone out together a few times to get our nails done or shop. My fiance doesn't have a father, and it's bothering him she's not taking it seriously. How can we get her to come around? <strong>Should we just leave her alone until the invitations are sent out? </strong>I don't understand why she's so disapproving. We're young, only 23, but we have plans set for the future and have good jobs. We plan on getting a house shortly after the wedding. We've been together for nearly 2 years. What's the deal?
    Posted by piercek613[/QUOTE]
    Looks like it, yes. Maybe not that long. It's possible she will come around before then, but for now, yes, stop sharing your plans with her. <div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm sorry she's not excited for you and your FI, but that's the deal. Maybe she will and maybe she won't come around. Go forward with your plans and whatever happens with her, just happens.
  • I'd just leave her alone and send her an invitation when the time comes.




  • Maybe she's put off with your plans for a potluck reception.


    I could understand where she isn't taking your nuptials seriousy, seeing as how you want your guests to take care of the food despite the numerous food allergies.
  • And stop trying to get her to "hang out" and be girlfriends with you.

    She is not a friend you met at the supermarket cooking class.  You only know her because she's your FI's mother.  You need to respect her position in his life, and realize that she has no position in your life.

    I have never spent any time alone with my DH's mother, and I would never go shopping or get my nails done with her.  She's his MOTHER.  Not a girlfriend of mine.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-doesnt-believe-were-serious-and-wont-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7f3de30-1ee2-4d03-b246-9473406e0f33Post:d1692cf6-33c6-4c06-a507-a29bb9b2c12e">Re: MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...</a>:
    [QUOTE]And stop trying to get her to "hang out" and be girlfriends with you. She is not a friend you met at the supermarket cooking class.  You only know her because she's your FI's mother.  You need to respect her position in his life, and realize that she has no position in your life. I have never spent any time alone with my DH's mother, and I would never go shopping or get my nails done with her.  She's his MOTHER.  Not a girlfriend of mine.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    I disagree with this. There's nothing wrong with spending time with your FI's mother if you both enjoy doing so. I've gone to get my nails done and gone to lunch with my FI's mother. I wouldn't say we are friends, but we have a good relationship.

    However, it does seem as if your FI's mother isn't interested in being involved in the wedding. And that's ok. It won't necessary spoil your relationship, she just may need time to adjust. Planning without her is acceptable, and if she starts to ask questions just be open about what you'd like to share. (This does not mean offering information she doesn't ask for.)

    When two adults choose to get married, they choose to have a wedding/reception that they can afford on their own. A potluck is a bad idea, but I'm pretty sure that's already been touched on. There are pleny of other options for having a beautiful wedding and reception with your closest friends and family on any budget. Or you may choose to elope. It's all about choices, and making the best of the resources you have.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    jendemeyer
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-doesnt-believe-were-serious-and-wont-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7f3de30-1ee2-4d03-b246-9473406e0f33Post:d1692cf6-33c6-4c06-a507-a29bb9b2c12e">Re: MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...</a>:
    [QUOTE]And stop trying to get her to "hang out" and be girlfriends with you. She is not a friend you met at the supermarket cooking class.  You only know her because she's your FI's mother.  You need to respect her position in his life, and realize that she has no position in your life. I have never spent any time alone with my DH's mother, and I would never go shopping or get my nails done with her.  She's his MOTHER.  Not a girlfriend of mine.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    <div>Are you kidding? I love my FMIL, and whenever we visit each other, she and I always spend some time just the two of us. Obviously we don't share details of our sex lives or something I might talk to my best friend about, but we are very close. She added a text messaging plan to her plan after FI and I started dating because her friends had been bugging her to get it, and she felt like being able to communicate with me easily was the "last straw" to needing texting capabilities.</div>
    Anniversary
  • In Response to Re:MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...:[QUOTE]And stop trying to get her to "hang out" and be girlfriends with you.She is not a friend you met at the supermarket cooking class.nbsp; You only know her because she's your FI's mother.nbsp; You need to respect her
    position in his life, and realize that she has no position in your life.I have never
    spent any time alone with my DH's
    mother, and I would never go shopping or get my nails done with her.nbsp; She's his MOTHER.nbsp; Not a girlfriend of mine. Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    Seriously? My FMIL and I go shopping and gasp, she is the one who goes with us to look at wedding venues and not my mom. My FMIL is awesome and I love spending time with her, with or without my FH.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • lyndsay782lyndsay782 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-doesnt-believe-were-serious-and-wont-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7f3de30-1ee2-4d03-b246-9473406e0f33Post:d1692cf6-33c6-4c06-a507-a29bb9b2c12e">Re: MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...</a>:
    [QUOTE]And stop trying to get her to "hang out" and be girlfriends with you. She is not a friend you met at the supermarket cooking class.  You only know her because she's your FI's mother.  You need to respect her position in his life, and realize that she has no position in your life. I have never spent any time alone with my DH's mother, and I would never go shopping or get my nails done with her.  She's his MOTHER.  Not a girlfriend of mine.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    <div>I get along better with my FMIL than I do my own mother, and I love going places with her.  I've taken her to get pedicures as a thank you.  We just went shopping and had lunch together on Saturday.  Quite frankly I'm sad for you that you don't have that kind of relationship with yours. I find that it makes life much easier when your MIL happens to like you, and wants you around.</div><div>
    </div><div>Edited: for Clarity  </div>
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  • Thanks for your support, everyone. Like I said, we aren't all buddy-buddy, but when she goes to get her nails done or needs new clothes, she invites me along, and my FI's twin brother's GF too. It hurts us both she doesn't want to participate.

    As for the potluck wedding, we've decided to change it up a bit... those who are living close to the venue such as my aunts and uncles have already said they'd bring something small, but my father is going to do some BBQing and my mother is going to help us make our own food and bring it... I didn't know that most of my guests were coming from a few hours away. We're bringing our own beer and wine, no liquor, and we're aware of (most of) the food allergies anyway and can accomodate...

    Thanks for the input.
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  • Ha, my FMIL suggested we do a potluck reception as well! She also suggested that we hold our reception at a local festival happening that same weekend, give each guest $30 worth of food tickets, and meet up on the grounds somewhere. Yeah, I stopped taking her seriously after hearing that. Receptions are to thank your guests for coming to your wedding, and coming with gifts, to boot!

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-doesnt-believe-were-serious-and-wont-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7f3de30-1ee2-4d03-b246-9473406e0f33Post:f3157973-9860-46f6-b6a4-a7786901115d">Re: MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe she's put off with your plans for a potluck reception. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_byof-labeling">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_food-cakes_byof-labeling</a> I could understand where she isn't taking your nuptials seriousy, seeing as how you want your guests to take care of the food despite the numerous food allergies.
    Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]
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  • You don't know where your guests are coming from??
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-doesnt-believe-were-serious-and-wont-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7f3de30-1ee2-4d03-b246-9473406e0f33Post:d1692cf6-33c6-4c06-a507-a29bb9b2c12e">Re: MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...</a>:
    [QUOTE]And stop trying to get her to "hang out" and be girlfriends with you. She is not a friend you met at the supermarket cooking class.  You only know her because she's your FI's mother.  You need to respect her position in his life, and realize that she has no position in your life. I have never spent any time alone with my DH's mother, and I would never go shopping or get my nails done with her.  She's his MOTHER.  Not a girlfriend of mine.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
    Your reality does not resemble our Earth reality.



  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-doesnt-believe-were-serious-and-wont-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7f3de30-1ee2-4d03-b246-9473406e0f33Post:388d699b-95a5-4fef-976d-0071dc6a2f79">Re: MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ha, my FMIL suggested we do a potluck reception as well! She also suggested that we hold our reception at a local festival happening that same weekend, give each guest $30 worth of food tickets, and meet up on the grounds somewhere. Yeah, I stopped taking her seriously after hearing that. Receptions are to thank your guests for coming to your wedding, and coming with gifts, to boot! In Response to Re: MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help... :
    Posted by Alesha1978[/QUOTE]
    Not all guests will give you gifts, nor are they required to.  The Reception is to thank your guests for coming to your wedding, period.  It has nothing to do with thanking your guests for their gifts.  Actual thank you notes are required for that.



  • I don't keep in touch with most of my family, my mother does. All I know is they all move a lot. Last time I heard I had an aunt in Petosky, MI, an hour away from our wedding, but turns out she moved a year ago to Florida!! Same with my other aunts and uncles... Wish Mom would help me keep track of everyone. XD

    Also, we are requesting no gifts. We already have everything we need. More than that, actually... 2 microwaves, 3 crockpots, 2 toasters, a knife set, bathroom stuff... what more could we want? I know it's presumptuous, but we're putting "No gifts, please" on our invitations. We REALLY don't want another toaster or crockpot!!!

    Also, why go around looking for other posts by the same person? That's just creepy...
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-doesnt-believe-were-serious-and-wont-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:c7f3de30-1ee2-4d03-b246-9473406e0f33Post:98b25b17-8990-45f1-a502-d137c4b2b278">Re: MIL doesn't believe we're serious and won't help...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't keep in touch with most of my family, my mother does. All I know is they all move a lot. Last time I heard I had an aunt in Petosky, MI, an hour away from our wedding, but turns out she moved a year ago to Florida!! Same with my other aunts and uncles... Wish Mom would help me keep track of everyone. XD Also, we are requesting no gifts. We already have everything we need. More than that, actually... 2 microwaves, 3 crockpots, 2 toasters, a knife set, bathroom stuff... what more could we want? I know it's presumptuous, but we're putting<strong> "No gifts, please"</strong> on our invitations. We REALLY don't want another toaster or crockpot!!! Also, why go around looking for other posts by the same person? That's just creepy...
    Posted by piercek613[/QUOTE]

    Please do not do the bolded.  Its rude and goes against etiquette.  If you don't need anything, just don't register.  People will bring a gift if they want to, since gifts are never required.
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