HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!

KateJay513

One of my bridesmaids is backing out of my wedding because her sister decided to get married on the same day as me. I have another girl I want to ask, but I don't know how to ask her without making it seem like she is only going in because the one backed out. I really want her in the wedding, but couldn't ask her before because we would of had uneven numbers. She knows who was originally in the wedding party. How do I ask her to be a bridesmaid without it making it seem like she is only a back up because one person left. She will notice the one bridesmaid is no longer there. HELP PLEASE!!!!!

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:62b7a822-7876-4947-92da-fc391c8722e0">HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids is backing out of my wedding because her sister decided to get married on the same day as me. I have another girl I want to ask, but I don't know how to ask her without making it seem like she is only going in because the one backed out. I really want her in the wedding, but couldn't ask her before because we would of had uneven numbers. She knows who was originally in the wedding party. How do I ask her to be a bridesmaid without it making it seem like she is only a back up because one person left. She will notice the one bridesmaid is no longer there. HELP PLEASE!!!!!
Posted by KateJay513[/QUOTE]

<div>You can't ask her now.  There's no way you can do it without it being as a runner up or understudy, which is terribly hurtful.</div><div>
</div><div>If you really wanted her, you would have asked her in the first place.  If having even numbers was more important to you than asking her in the first place, you don't really want her that much.  </div>

JoanE2012

I can't believe the only reason you didn't ask her in the first place is because you wanted even numbers.  Really?!?  That seems awfully superficial.

You cannot ask her now without it looking like she's second string.  Ironically, you are best leaving things as is and having uneven numbers.  NOBODY is going to care that the sides are uneven.  Your photos will look fine.

AddieCake

ZOMG not uneven numbers!!!!! Oh, the horror!

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:62b7a822-7876-4947-92da-fc391c8722e0">HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids is backing out of my wedding because her sister decided to get married on the same day as me. I have another girl I want to ask, but I don't know how to ask her without making it seem like she is only going in because the one backed out. I really want her in the wedding, but couldn't ask her before because we would of had uneven numbers. She knows who was originally in the wedding party. How do I ask her to be a bridesmaid without it making it seem like she is only a back up because one person left. She will notice the one bridesmaid is no longer there. HELP PLEASE!!!!!
Posted by KateJay513[/QUOTE]

Nope. you screwed up originally by caring more about uneven numbers than you did your friend.   Your friends shouldn't be used as props.  Don't replace the one who backed out.  Guess what? you NOW, have uneven numbers.  that's karma or something.

banana468

Don't replace her.   That you had uneven numbers should have been inconsequential.

At this point, just leave the sides uneven.   If you don't have readers, you could always ask this person to be a reader.

KateJay513

Must be easy to hide behind a computer and scrutinize someone you've never met.
Especially when they are sincerely asking for advice.
How sad.
Get a life lonely souls....or maybe adopt a pet.

Sincerely,
The man who actually knows Kate and can't wait to marry her!

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:daaa7569-f357-477c-a89e-b499808a8e71">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Must be easy to hide behind a computer and scrutinize someone you've never met. Especially when they are sincerely asking for advice. How sad. Get a life lonely souls....or maybe adopt a pet. Sincerely, The man who actually knows Kate and can't wait to marry her!
Posted by KateJay513[/QUOTE]


Several people GAVE advice, but ok.

Kate61487

Dear Jay,

Perhaps you should ask your fiancée why having even numbers is more important to her than her friends' feelings.  We are trying to advise her that 1) she should have asked her good friend in the first place and 2) asking her now will only hurt her feelings even more by making her feel like a prop.

Sincerely,
A board full of happily engaged/married women (with pets) who put relationships over symmetry.

KateJay513

Kate61487,
I love the puppy pics....thanks for including them.
And thank you for serving as the board spokeswoman, I wonder how you find the time.

A sincere thank you to everyone who actually gave constructive advice.
My comments were directed to those who took the opportunity to bash someone they don't know.
I personally don't need to ask my fiancée anything.
I know everything I need to know.

MandiCam16

Dear A-holes, has anyone heard the phrase constructive criticism? If not that phrase implies you should try to help someone by giving your advice while NOT berating them personally. Crazy concept I know! While its possible the bride should have asked the girl to begin with...that did not happen. Hind site is 20/20 unless your perched firmly on your soap box I guess. How about giving your advice while checking your attitudes at the door. Possibly friends or even the parents/in laws of the bride (you know those magical gnome's that pay for most your weddings) had an opinion on the look of the wedding or if bridesmaids groomsmen should pair up and now this bride is ASKING advice on what's best? No need to be nasty...that's unhelpful. To the girl that posted a pic of your dog... Congrats I guess? I have kids. To the bride....I'd ask your friend OR have uneven numbers... It's not that big of a deal your wedding will be beautiful

KateJay513

Dear MandiCam,

Thank you for the advise and understanding. I didn't think that explaining my or fiances choices for our wedding was necessary, but apparently it was to these people.
And thank you to the others who did give me constructive advise and didn't bite my head off and judge me. There is alot more meaning to the choices we made. It's nice to see someone actually wanting to help somebody instead of trying to put them down. Especially when her best friend just dropped out of her wedding!

Thank you again.

MandiCam16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:3c4ac06c-a663-4a96-a170-8663fec531d0">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Dear Jay, Perhaps you should ask your fiancée why having even numbers is more important to her than her friends' feelings.  We are trying to advise her that 1) she should have asked her good friend in the first place and 2) asking her now will only hurt her feelings even more by making her feel like a prop. Sincerely, A board full of happily engaged/married women (with pets) who put relationships over symmetry.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]



Congrats on your dog,
Sincerely
Devin (441 months)
Mandi (376 months)

Kate61487

Pretty sure everyone saying "don't ask her now, she'll feel like crap and you'll look bad" was constructive criticism.  But perhaps you and I are using different dictionaries.

Also, for those unfamiliar with forums and signatures: I didn't post my puppy just for you.  Just like swazye and the other wedding/baby pics weren't just for you.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:36a66fc3-3efa-4bec-b1e0-d1ee32a178b2">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Dear A-holes</strong>, has anyone heard the phrase constructive criticism? If not that phrase implies you should try to help someone by giving your advice while NOT berating them personally. Crazy concept I know! While its possible the bride should have asked the girl to begin with...that did not happen. Hind site is 20/20 unless your perched firmly on your soap box I guess. How about giving your advice while checking your attitudes at the door. Possibly friends or even the parents/in laws of the bride (you know those magical gnome's that pay for most your weddings) had an opinion on the look of the wedding or if bridesmaids groomsmen should pair up and now this bride is ASKING advice on what's best? No need to be nasty...that's unhelpful. To the girl that posted a pic of your dog... Congrats I guess? I have kids. To the bride....I'd ask your friend OR have uneven numbers... It's not that big of a deal your wedding will be beautiful
Posted by MandiCam16[/QUOTE]

Banana - 

isn't calling people A-holes a bannable offense?

MandiCam16

As in the fruit?

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:0e78e49c-46d7-4091-b423-925d15c1a5a2">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Dear MandiCam, Thank you for the advise and understanding. I didn't think that explaining my or fiances choices for our wedding was necessary, but apparently it was to these people. And thank you to the others who did give me constructive advise and didn't bite my head off and judge me. There is alot more meaning to the choices we made. It's nice to see someone actually wanting to help somebody instead of trying to put them down. Especially when her best friend just dropped out of her wedding! Thank you again.
Posted by KateJay513[/QUOTE]

No one is putting anyone down.  No one bit anyone's head off.  Everyone told your fiance that her need to have even sides has now come back to bite her in the butt.  She didn't ask a good friend that she said she WANTED to ask, only because her sides were uneven. All of that is accurate.    If she is mad, she should be mad at herself.   But, the point still remains, asking someone to fill a spot will make the replacement feel like nothing more than a prop, and it is rude.  

It sucks that her Bestie dropped out of the wedding, but the answers to her questions don't change.

MandiCam16

Oh! That's disappointing

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:13786bcc-d12f-498a-a96d-9a4b9151dcd7">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!! : Banana -  isn't calling people A-holes a bannable offense?
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

seconded

MandiCam16

O.M.G

NYCMercedes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:36a66fc3-3efa-4bec-b1e0-d1ee32a178b2">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Dear A-holes, has anyone heard the phrase constructive criticism? If not that phrase implies you should try to help someone by giving your advice while NOT berating them personally. Crazy concept I know! While its possible the bride should have asked the girl to begin with...that did not happen. Hind site is 20/20 unless your perched firmly on your soap box I guess. How about giving your advice while checking your attitudes at the door. Possibly friends or even the parents/in laws of the bride (you know those magical gnome's that pay for most your weddings) had an opinion on the look of the wedding or if bridesmaids groomsmen should pair up and now this bride is ASKING advice on what's best? No need to be nasty...that's unhelpful. To the girl that posted a pic of your dog... Congrats I guess? I have kids.

To the bride....I'd ask your friend OR have uneven numbers... It's not that big of a deal your wedding will be beautiful
Posted by MandiCam16[/QUOTE]

So, are you her mom or his mom?

MandiCam16

Orange!!!!!

MandiCam16

I'm not old enough to be either... That's not meant to be offensive if that's your sitch

AddieCake

Is there a full moon? Today has been.....interesting.

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:3ee9438d-33ea-4c63-aacc-53ba47ff78b3">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is there a full moon? Today has been.....interesting.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>I was just wondering the same thing.  But there seriously is a full moon on Thursday, so I hate to see what it is like then.  </div><div>
</div><div>I can't tell if I'm tired or if Mandi is making zero sense.  Probably a combination.</div>

winelover123

This was odd......

Viczaesar

Oy vey.  People suck.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:ab821577-9369-48d3-802e-cdc9bc349b0c">Re:HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Orange!!!!!
Posted by MandiCam16[/QUOTE]
You're a little slow, aren't you?  Banana is the name of the moderator on this board.  It's posted right there on the main page of the board.

LDubHawksFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:ab821577-9369-48d3-802e-cdc9bc349b0c">Re:HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Orange!!!!!
Posted by MandiCam16[/QUOTE]

Banana is the board manager and can kick you off for calling names since it's in the rules for the Knot.....

OP, no one was being snarky with you.  You chose to have even numbers over including all of your closest friends.  That is a harsh reality.  Most of the time, this creates a situation where your original BM will feel like crude because she is easily replaceable and the replacement will feel like a second string.

The only way there is an exception is if you have asked the others really recently, since you still have over a year until the wedding.  You could say that after thinking about it more, you couldn't imagine not having BM B standing up there with you......but if BM A can actually be in the WP afterall, that means you have uneven sides. 

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:50d48b3a-6948-4039-b499-a7ca26f10fa2Post:ace8d11f-0a03-452b-a4bf-ce2413171008">Re:HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:HELP!! Bridesmaid Backed Out!!!!! : You're a little slow, aren't you?  Banana is the name of the moderator on this board.  It's posted right there on the main page of the board.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for the clarification. I was wondering what the heck she was yelling "Orange!" for.</div>

AddieCake

I love how MandiCam didn't want to offend anyone if they had kids young but doesn't mind offending everyone by calling them a-holes.