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Absentee bridesmaid

So, I had a bridesmaid drop out, just qut answering the phone texts blah blah blah... and now I'm stuck in the position of replacing her, and I don't know what to do, I don't really have any other *close* female friends...I have sisters galore and so does he (we opted to not have ANY in the wedding, theres 10 siblings between the both of us, and it's just wayy too many and too much of a financial burden on our parents) I have one friend who is getting married one week after me, and we're close enough but not call/text every day and stuff, but I was thinking about asking her, but I don't know if it'll be too much for her, with her wedding being the following week. I'm back and forth about even asking because I don't want her to feel obligated to say yes or anything, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place of his groomsmen already bought their suits (purchase rather than rent) and stuff, so I can't exsactly cut a groomsman now, and I don't wanna have an uneven number or for one to be left out...
Any suggestions? 

Re: Absentee bridesmaid

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Do not replace her! It's fine to have uneven sides and certainly better than making someone stand up there as just a place holder. That's insulting. People are not props.

    Just a question: Did you BM actually tell you she is dropping out or have you just not heard from her in awhile?


  • You don't need to replace her. You can have the wedding party walk out single file or have one of the groomsmen escort a grandmother or mother-type person out.
  • She just quit responding. Thats it.
    She's his BM's sister! So I know shes alive and well, and from what BM said, she's still talking about all this that and the other thing shes doing involving our wedding and stuff, but I haven't spoken to her since the end of Jan, SOOOOO 
    My shower was 3 weeks ago she did nothing and by nothing I mean, didn't even show up, despite having requested off work and everything...

    BM says its a little weird but he's not getting involved (which I don't blame him...) 

    The only thing I'm worried is his GM who will be left with out a date now (his a big boy and already has female issues, and I don't want him to feel weird about all of this, and think it's because of him or anything and sure we could talk to him about it, but it's just a weird freakin conversation to have since everybody knows everybody and everything) 

    I know people aren't props, but just feel weird. I dont know, t his whole wedding is turning in to a fiasco, I changed the bridesmaids dresses because of her and all this stuff. I'm just irritated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_absentee-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6db9d84f-cc68-421e-889a-9597899f88b6Post:eec21b5c-2428-40ff-8144-b0a8834ca6f6">Re: Absentee bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]She just quit responding. Thats it. She's his BM's sister! So I know shes alive and well, and from what BM said, she's still talking about all this that and the other thing shes doing involving our wedding and stuff, but I haven't spoken to her since the end of Jan, SOOOOO  My shower was 3 weeks ago she did nothing and by nothing I mean, didn't even show up, despite having requested off work and everything... BM says its a little weird but he's not getting involved (which I don't blame him...)  The only thing I'm worried is his GM who will be left with out a date now (his a big boy and already has female issues, and I don't want him to feel weird about all of this, and think it's because of him or anything and sure we could talk to him about it, but it's just a weird freakin conversation to have since everybody knows everybody and everything)  I know people aren't props, but just feel weird. I dont know, t his whole wedding is turning in to a fiasco, I changed the bridesmaids dresses because of her and all this stuff. I'm just irritated. 
    Posted by jamierocksanne[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Has she ordered her dress?

    </div>
  • A BM is NOT a date for your GMs.  Don't replace her. It's rude and tacky.  Just have uneven sides.  Using one of your friends as a last minute prop to avoid uneven sides is horrible.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I suggest you get over your aversion to having uneven numbers.  It doesn't matter in the slightest.  You should not be replacing anyone, and you definitely should not be kicking anyone out of the wedding in order to create even numbers.

    This is not a fashion photography shoot or a runway show.  These are the people closest to you that you want to honor and have next to you as you take the next step in your life together with the love of your life. 



  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_absentee-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6db9d84f-cc68-421e-889a-9597899f88b6Post:eec21b5c-2428-40ff-8144-b0a8834ca6f6">Re: Absentee bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]The only thing I'm worried is his GM who will be left with out a date now
    Posted by jamierocksanne[/QUOTE]
    Uhhh, what?  Your bridesmaids are not escorts. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • SlothGoalsSlothGoals member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2013
    Everything Scribe said. 

    ETA: How awful would this BM feel if you *replaced* her when she had every intention of being in your wedding? Now THAT would be an awkward conversation to have, and it would be entirely your fault.
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  • I have 3 BM and 5 GM. Anything they need to be "paired" up for (the recessional and the intros), I'm having 2 of the BM walk with 2 GM each. Have the BM walk in by themselves, and skip the WP dance (I don't think anyone likes that anyway). Problem solved. The BM are definitely not "dates" for the GM. 

    P.S. That is, if she actually dropped out. 
  • I think it's super weird that you think your bridesmaids are supposed to be dates for your groomsmen.  They are absolutely not dates for ANYONE unless they want to be, and you shouldn't put romantic expectations on them (ew!)

    As for replacing anyone, just don't.  It's rude and nobody likes to feel like second best.
  • We had originally planned on even sides of 4 each. Then one of my bridesmaids found out her grandparents had planned a big family reunion cruise that overlapped with my wedding and dropped out. I was bummed she couldn't make it but did not replace her, although I certainly got a lot of bad advice from family members and friends that I should. So we had uneven numbers and guess what, I am still married, we were surround by our nearest and dearest on our wedding day, and I love all the wedding party pictures.

    We chose to have the women walk in alone and the men wait up front with H. When they walked out one bridesmaid was escorted by two groomsmen. Not an issue. The groomsmen and bridesmaids are not dates!

    Also I agree with previous posters that you should confirm that the bridesmaid is really not planning on being in the wedding. I would assume that she still is planning on attending and being in the wedding party unless she directly tells you otherwise. Bridesmaids aren't required to do anything for or attend showers. In fact only my MOH attended my shower and it was hosted by H's aunt so she did absolutely nothing for it besides show up.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If this BM truly dropped out, which it doesn't sound like she has, then just have the last BM walk with two GM.  Problem solved.  I think you are overreacting.  Is this BM being flakey, sure, but until she doesn't buy her dress, she should still be considered in the BP.  Maybe she is just tired of your constant texts about the wedding.  Why not pick up the phone to call her and ask her how her life is and have a totally non-wedding related conversation.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_absentee-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6db9d84f-cc68-421e-889a-9597899f88b6Post:be121545-fc7c-4d8e-8e9a-e4400fb7ae43">Re: Absentee bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]If this BM truly dropped out, which it doesn't sound like she has, then just have the last BM walk with two GM.  Problem solved.  I think you are overreacting.  Is this BM being flakey, sure, but until she doesn't buy her dress, she should still be considered in the BP.  Maybe she is just tired of your constant texts about the wedding.  Why not pick up the phone to call her and ask her how her life is and have a totally non-wedding related conversation.
    Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

    <div>This!  I'm not the kind of person who talks to my besties every day.  There are some of my bridesmaids that I haven't spoken to in a week or two even, but it's cool because I TRUST them to do all they need to (which is only pick out a dress, and show up on the wedding day, nothing else is required!)  </div><div>
    </div><div>You need to try a different style of getting in touch with her, and NOT bring up the wedding.  If i'm reading correctly, you said she's your Best Man's sister... Is she closer to you or to your FI?  </div>
  • I haven't spoken to her since Janurary! I've tried contacting her to find out whats going on!
     
    I don't know, these are all ideas and formailities put in my head by other people *trying* to plan my wedding. As far as I'm concerned we'd be in Vegas, but we're both the first in our families to get married and as soon as we announced we we're gonna get married everyone started planning and he doesn't want to let his family down (especially his single mom who raised him... who is eccstatic beyond belief...)

    I just don't get it, I mean I know its a wicked akward conversation to have, to have to withdraw from someones wedding, but I didn't even get that. I got unanswered texts/emails/FB posts and ignore buttons on calls. I'm not assuming because she didn't show up at my shower she's out, I'm basing this on the fact that I haven't spoken to her in 4 months, by any means. I mean if it was money I'd understand or ANYTHING else, but this is just not a cool way to handle it, you're going to risk loosing him as a friend of 15 years and me friend of 6 years? Just talk to us. Like I mentioned before, Her brother is the BM, and he said She's been talking about it, and talkin about all these plans and blah blah blah and I haven't really said anything to him, just to protect her incase theres something else going on that perhaps she hiding from not only me, but him as well?
    Just a really crappy situation.
    As far as the "date" for the GM, I just don't want him to feel slighted to be honest.

    Thanks for the answers though, I appriciate the honesty. I just have no idea what the hell I'm doing planning this nightmare...and unfortunatly, (for me) my other two bridesmaids are in other states and the dropout was my only local one and i was kind of depending on her to help with some of the tastings/dress fittings and stuff, but now I'm high and dry and going at it alone, with no idea what I'm doing, other than persistent emails back and forth to the other two.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_absentee-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6db9d84f-cc68-421e-889a-9597899f88b6Post:775e0b9c-e0a3-41e6-b74e-5323128a9be6">Re: Absentee bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I haven't spoken to her since Janurary! I've tried contacting her to find out whats going on!   I don't know, these are all ideas and formailities put in my head by other people *trying* to plan my wedding. As far as I'm concerned we'd be in Vegas, but we're both the first in our families to get married and as soon as we announced we we're gonna get married everyone started planning and he doesn't want to let his family down (especially his single mom who raised him... who is eccstatic beyond belief...) I just don't get it, I mean I know its a wicked akward conversation to have, to have to withdraw from someones wedding, but I didn't even get that. I got unanswered texts/emails/FB posts and ignore buttons on calls. I'm not assuming because she didn't show up at my shower she's out, I'm basing this on the fact that I haven't spoken to her in 4 months, by any means. I mean if it was money I'd understand or ANYTHING else, but this is just not a cool way to handle it, you're going to risk loosing him as a friend of 15 years and me friend of 6 years? Just talk to us. Like I mentioned before, Her brother is the BM, and he said She's been talking about it, and talkin about all these plans and blah blah blah and I haven't really said anything to him, just to protect her incase theres something else going on that perhaps she hiding from not only me, but him as well? Just a really crappy situation. As far as the "date" for the GM, I just don't want him to feel slighted to be honest. Thanks for the answers though, I appriciate the honesty. I just have no idea what the hell I'm doing planning this nightmare...and unfortunatly, (for me) my other two bridesmaids are in other states and the dropout was my only local one and i was kind of depending on her to <strong>help with some of the tastings/dress fittings and stuff, but now I'm high and dry and going at it alone, with no idea what I'm doing</strong>, other than persistent emails back and forth to the other two.
    Posted by jamierocksanne[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You have a fiance. He should be helping you, not your BMs.

    </div>
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  • I'm not sure, but isn't it a little uncustomary to take your FI to pick your wedding dress? He has gone to some of the stuff with me, but we can't afford for him to take off days of work left and right to do everything and vice versa (we work opposite days and shifts).
    Aside from having them stand for you, Isn't this why you have a bridal party to help with things like this? Cause if it isn't then I've really gone above and beyond for every wedding I've been involved in...
    She doesn't even know what dress, because I told the other two girls which dress to buy a month ago, we hadn't decided until then. and I haven't been leaning on her at all because I HAVENT SPOKEN TO HER. Even prior to that I mostly would just bounce ideas off of her, the dress I picked for them is $38...THIRTY EIGHT DOLLARS I'd pay for it if money was the issue, not that she knows the cost anyhow. I mean come on, just to completely shut someone out, thats absurd. I can understand a few weeks, or whatever, but in 6 years I have never gone this long without talking to her even if it was a quick text saying work was crazy or something like that...

    Perhaps I'm wrong in thinking it's nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of, involving flowers and shoes and stuff like that, other than him because he doesn't particularly care about any of those things, and quite frankly hes a guy I wouldn't expect him to.  

    I'd never do this to a bride to be, its just added stress and completely ignorant and rude. Just send a text or email or phone call saying whatever the issue is, be a grown up. 



  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_absentee-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6db9d84f-cc68-421e-889a-9597899f88b6Post:6bf13163-be45-448d-864d-71714659b80a">Re: Absentee bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not sure, but isn't it a little uncustomary to take your FI to pick your wedding dress? He has gone to some of the stuff with me, but we can't afford for him to take off days of work left and right to do everything and vice versa (we work opposite days and shifts). Aside from having them stand for you, Isn't this why you have a bridal party to help with things like this? Cause if it isn't then I've really gone above and beyond for every wedding I've been involved in... She doesn't even know what dress, because I told the other two girls which dress to buy a month ago, we hadn't decided until then. and I haven't been leaning on her at all because I HAVENT SPOKEN TO HER. Even prior to that I mostly would just bounce ideas off of her, the dress I picked for them is $38...THIRTY EIGHT DOLLARS I'd pay for it if money was the issue, not that she knows the cost anyhow. I mean come on, just to completely shut someone out, thats absurd. I can understand a few weeks, or whatever, but in 6 years I have never gone this long without talking to her even if it was a quick text saying work was crazy or something like that... Perhaps I'm wrong in thinking it's nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of, involving flowers and shoes and stuff like that, other than him because he doesn't particularly care about any of those things, and quite frankly hes a guy I wouldn't expect him to.   I'd never do this to a bride to be, its just added stress and completely ignorant and rude. Just send a text or email or phone call saying whatever the issue is, be a grown up. 
    Posted by jamierocksanne[/QUOTE]

    First, I think you should email her the dress details so she can at least attempt to purchase the dress.  You not giving her the dress information will make YOU look like the bad guy.  All this girl has to say was that Anne didn't give me the dress information.  How can I be a BM, if she doesn't give me a dress.  THEN leave it alone.  If she doesn't buy the dress, then dropping out is on her.

    And there has to be someone who IS interested in wedding things to talk to.  What about the moms?  Just because you did so much for other people weddings, doesn't mean you will get all of that work in return.  If she had volunteered to help and then flaked out, you could be upset.  But it is never expected that the BP is there to work for the bride. 

    And just because your FI isn't interested doesn't mean he cannot help.  My H came to every appointment with me, he helped me assemble invites, and make the chocolate covered pretzel rod favors.  It may not have been his favorite thing in the world, but he knew it was his wedding to and he should be assisting in the planning of it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_absentee-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6db9d84f-cc68-421e-889a-9597899f88b6Post:6bf13163-be45-448d-864d-71714659b80a">Re: Absentee bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm<strong> not sure, but isn't it a little uncustomary to take your FI to pick your wedding dress?</strong> He has gone to some of the stuff with me, but we can't afford for him to take off days of work left and right to do everything and vice versa (we work opposite days and shifts). Aside from having them stand for you, Isn't this why you have a bridal party to help with things like this? Cause if it isn't then I've really gone above and beyond for every wedding I've been involved in... She doesn't even know what dress, because I told the other two girls which dress to buy a month ago, we hadn't decided until then. and I haven't been leaning on her at all because I HAVENT SPOKEN TO HER. Even prior to that I mostly would just bounce ideas off of her, the dress I picked for them is $38...THIRTY EIGHT DOLLARS I'd pay for it if money was the issue, not that she knows the cost anyhow. I mean come on, just to completely shut someone out, thats absurd. I can understand a few weeks, or whatever, but in 6 years I have never gone this long without talking to her even if it was a quick text saying work was crazy or something like that... Perhaps I'm wrong in thinking it's nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of, involving flowers and shoes and stuff like that, other than him because he doesn't particularly care about any of those things, and quite frankly hes a guy I wouldn't expect him to.   I'd never do this to a bride to be, its just added stress and completely ignorant and rude. Just send a text or email or phone call saying whatever the issue is, be a grown up. 
    Posted by jamierocksanne[/QUOTE]


    It sounded like you had other BMs. Are none of them interested in going with you to your appointments?  What about your mother, FMIL, sisters, etc.? 

    If none of your friends or family are interested in going with you, it sounds like the problem may be you.
  • This situation happened to my friend last year.  Her MOH just literally STOPPED contacting her. She had bought the dress, attended the shower and paid for part of it with the rest of us, then literally 2 weeks after her shower fell off the radar. We all had to assume she was not in the wedding, even though there was no discussion of it ever taking place.  The only contact that she heard from the end of Jan. to June 30th when her wedding was, was a text message that said, "Are you serious?" When she recieved her invitation in the mail. The girl was mad that she didn't get the hint that she dropped out of the wedding, but still an invite was sent anyway.  It was more of the bride's mother that felt she owed it to my friend to at least reply with a "no."  She didn't even get that from her. I'm not saying to assume the same thing, but is there anybody who is a mutual friend with her, that could give you some insight on the situation? You don't need to replace her with someone either. Initially, that may be what you're thinking, but it isn't neccesary.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Don't replace her.  Go ahead and act as though she's still in the wedding-you never know, even if you don't hear from her between now and then, she might still show up at the last minute expecting to be in the wedding party.  Send her the information about the dress and anything else she needs to know about the wedding or anything related to it, but beyond that, leave her alone and stop trying to get in touch with her.

    And if the worst comes to the worst, it's okay to have an uneven wedding party.  Sides don't have to match.
  • I'm still confused, why would a GM feel slighted that a BM dropped out?  Someone please clarify this for my poor, simple brain.
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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_absentee-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6db9d84f-cc68-421e-889a-9597899f88b6Post:43c5f0e8-0e04-44cf-9fd8-674c783fd8a2">Re: Absentee bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm still confused, why would a GM feel slighted that a BM dropped out?  Someone please clarify this for my poor, simple brain.
    Posted by Meghannsix[/QUOTE]

    Very little about this makes sense to me. Either she's a BM or she's not. If she is then she'll get the dress and stand next to the bride during the ceremony. If she's not, then she won't.



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