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Frustrated Bridesmaid

So I was asked to be in my best friends wedding (been friends since middle school) and of course I said yes but I'm slowly wanting to completely back out from the wedding and it's in a few months.  I might be being selfish but I also feel like she isn't really thinking of the bridesmaids either.  It's adding up to being about $300+ for everything (dress, shoes, hair + make-up) and for me it's getting a little expensive I just had a baby and have not returned back to work yet.  And I really hate paying someone to do my make-up the way I already do (pointless to spend that $40 when it could go towards 2 boxes of diapers).  Then it's the shoes, she's wanting us to spend like $45 on shoes we're going to wear once (well I'll only wear them once anyway) and they are like 4 1/2 inch heels I don't even wear heels at all and if I do they are only like 2in and those I can barely walk in.  I might being selfish but I always was under the impression you can have what you want for your wedding but also make sure that your bridesmaids are happy as well and everything is well within their means too. 

Sorry just some venting and please no snarky remarks.  Any insight on how to address any of this when you kinda feel like the bride doesn't really care and she just wants what she wants and that's it.

Frustrated Bridesmaid

Re: Frustrated Bridesmaid

  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_frustrated-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:98559bd3-d4c4-4416-97ef-20c9dedba090Post:aa95adf9-c2d8-4684-90c9-91f1afe6e30a">Frustrated Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I was asked to be in my best friends wedding (been friends since middle school) and of course I said yes but I'm slowly wanting to completely back out from the wedding and it's in a few months.  I might be being selfish but I also feel like she isn't really thinking of the bridesmaids either.  It's adding up to being about $300+ for everything (dress, shoes, hair + make-up) and for me it's getting a little expensive I just had a baby and have not returned back to work yet.  And I really hate paying someone to do my make-up the way I already do (pointless to spend that $40 when it could go towards 2 boxes of diapers).  Then it's the shoes, she's wanting us to spend like $45 on shoes we're going to wear once (well I'll only wear them once anyway) and they are like 4 1/2 inch heels I don't even wear heels at all and if I do they are only like 2in and those I can barely walk in.  I might being selfish but I always was under the impression you can have what you want for your wedding but also make sure that your bridesmaids are happy as well and everything is well within their means too.  Sorry just some venting and please no snarky remarks.  Any insight on how to address any of this when you kinda feel like the bride doesn't really care and she just wants what she wants and that's it. Frustrated Bridesmaid
    Posted by BlueEyes2022[/QUOTE]

    You need to tell your friend that you have a budget. Say no to the hair and make up, they are not required. If she wants everyone to have their hair and make up professionally done then she needs to pay for it. Just tell her honestly that it is out of your budget. Same goes for the shoes. As a bridesmaid, all you are required to buy is the dress. If she wants matching shoes, that is on her.

    Have you mentioned any of this to her? Does she know you cant walk in the shoes?
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto PPs. If she won't pay for these special requirements and won't let you do them on your own, then drop out if it is a hardship or is unpleasant for you to be part of the wedding party. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Awww hun, you sound frustrated. Definitely have a sit down with her and share your concerns. A good friend would understand. Offer to do your own makeup and help find different shoes for you to wear. That sort of thing.
    image
  • You shouldn't be required to pay for anything more than a dress.  If she is requiring professional makeup and hair, she should pay for it.  However, if she simply said this is where she is going and the BMs can join her for theirs if they like, then you get the choice to either DIY or pay them.  

    Shoes follow suit- if she is requiring a certain pair- she should pay.  

    It sounds like she is the kind of person that would be super upset if something happened during HER MOMENT, and it might be a good focus point that you could easily topple over mid ceremony (ruining her perfect day!).  That logic alone might get you out of the high heels!

    PS- i know you were trying to be creative and original, but that color pink was just VERY bright on my screen.  It made it kind of hard to read, but I appreciated your spirit!
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Please don't write in colored fonts.  It's seriously painful on the eyes and hard to read.



  • wittykitty14wittykitty14 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    Ditto PPs

    Don't consider stepping down until you've talked to your friend.  Maybe she'll be understanding and realize she was in the wrong.  Upon realizing her mistake, she may offer to pay for the extra's that she's requring.  This is what she should have done all along. 

    If she refuses to listen to you and plays the "it's my day" card, I might consider stepping down.  Just talk to her first before you mention that as a possibility.

    Edited to fix the format
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    First, lose the pink font and the "no snarky language" request.  Those are off-putting.

    Second, if at this point you can't afford to pay for the things she wants and she won't pay for them, drop out.  There is no requirement that you go insolvent to pay for what a bride(zilla) wants.
  • lol you said 'no snarky remarks"....youve apparently lurked for a while....some of these women are TROLLS girl......but Im with you...yeah its "her day" but you have every right to discuss your budget...if she's asking for specifics then she needs to come out them pockets of hers....and hell being a guest for free with no responsibilty but to eat, drink and be merry is always a great thing
    ****The Future Mrs. Ikeard**** wedding countdown
  • I agree with what everyone else said (for the most part).  Talk to her and tell her your issues/concerns.  You may be surprised.  There has to be a compromise for the shoes.

    As for the hair/makeup, I don't think you should have to pay for ALL of it.  I'm splitting with my BMs because it's expensive, but I don't want them to look "unpolished" (probably not the right word to use...more uniform?).


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I don't think that dropping out is the answer. I think that when you are asked to be in a wedding and accept the invitaiton, you should expect there to be costs involved. It's a communication problem on both ends. The bride should have asked everyone what they could afford and you should have communicated your budget with her. Maybe if you talk to her about not being able to afford everything she is requesting, she will be understnading and either offer to pay for it for you, or give you a cheaper option. Dropping out will only make her think that you are mad at her and that you don't want to be her friend.
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