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Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!

So, the FI and I figured 4 for each, and now a  close friend of mine, that I should have included even if it were uneven. Asked me why, and said that she wasnt offended, I told her we wanted to keep the BP small. She did say shes not offended, but I know that I would be stung a bit too.

I wasnt part of her BP, and I remember being a little "merp" about it... but I didnt dare ask why, I just was happy to be a guest!

So, because I already gave her the "excuse" even tho its legitimate... I still feel bad! We are a group, theres 5 of us... and I just dont know what I should do.

Or if I should do nothing? lol I just feel guilty for some reason!

She will of course be coming to bach. party and I think I will invite her to wedding dress shopping too. 

Am I an asshole? :o

Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!

  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:4d535434-a83f-4834-bac6-0cd340a2e854">Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, the FI and I figured 4 for each, and now a  close friend of mine, that I should have included even if it were uneven. Asked me why, and said that she wasnt offended, I told her we wanted to keep the BP small. She did say shes not offended, but I know that I would be stung a bit too. I wasnt part of her BP, and I remember being a little "merp" about it... but I didnt dare ask why, I just was happy to be a guest! So, because I already gave her the "excuse" even tho its legitimate... I still feel bad! We are a group, theres 5 of us... and I just dont know what I should do. Or if I should do nothing? lol I just feel guilty for some reason! She will of course be coming to bach. party and I think I will invite her to wedding dress shopping too.  Am I an asshole? :o
    Posted by d2va[/QUOTE]

    I think your problem is that your wedding isn't until May 2014 and you already asked your bridal party.

    If you didn't ask her just out of spite that you weren't in her bridal party, well then, yes, that wasn't the correct approach.

    Do you want her as a bridesmaid?
  • I'm not too clear on what you're saying here- is she the only one of a close-knit group of friends that you didn't invite to be a bridesmaid?  And is the only reason you did that to have even sides?  If so, I think that she'd be justified in being a little bit hurt.  Not that anyone is ever entitled to be a bridesmaid, but if you conspicuously excluded her and only her, I can see where that would sting.  I just can't totally tell if that's what happened here from your post.
  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:1a8fa6bc-346d-47ad-a7fa-6ef826daa25d">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Im conflicted, I think I Fed up! : I think your problem is that your wedding isn't until May 2014 and you already asked your bridal party. If you didn't ask her just out of spite that you weren't in her bridal party, well then, yes, that wasn't the correct approach. Do you want her as a bridesmaid?
    Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think the date of my wedding is quite irrelevent when deciding on who I want in my BP...as most likely the people I ask arent people that I have known for a few days.</div><div>
    </div><div>In no way shape or form did I not ask her out of spite... I actually didnt even think about it until I made the post.... because I had an ounce of thought that MAYBE thats what she was thinking was the reason :(</div><div>
    </div><div>In a way I do want her as BM, but then again I REALLY do want to keep the BP small... so thats where Im conflicted. </div><div>
    </div><div>Im doing everything so its not like her being part of the BP would effect anything or make things easier or more difficult.. She is a close friend, we are a group... and now I just kinda feel like an asshole because I left one person from my group out. :/</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:f702a9a4-324d-45f4-ba99-9003f847262e">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not too clear on what you're saying here- is she the only one of a close-knit group of friends that you didn't invite to be a bridesmaid?  And is the only reason you did that to have even sides?  If so, I think that she'd be justified in being a little bit hurt.  Not that anyone is ever entitled to be a bridesmaid, but if you conspicuously excluded her and only her, I can see where that would sting.  I just can't totally tell if that's what happened here from your post.
    Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yes, it was not intentional, and now Im feeling guilty because I am noticing that I broke my group of friends up, and I dont know if I should add her, but then its like "Well, you're adding me because I said something". OR if I should just keep it as it is... !?</div>
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:dfa547e5-989f-4ec8-84ce-ac86d36628a5">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up! : <strong>I think the date of my wedding is quite irrelevent when deciding on who I want in my BP...as most likely the people I ask arent people that I have known for a few days.</strong> In no way shape or form did I not ask her out of spite... I actually didnt even think about it until I made the post.... because I had an ounce of thought that MAYBE thats what she was thinking was the reason :( In a way I do want her as BM, but then again I REALLY do want to keep the BP small... so thats where Im conflicted.  Im doing everything so its not like her being part of the BP would effect anything or make things easier or more difficult.. She is a close friend, we are a group... and now I just kinda feel like an asshole because I left one person from my group out. :/
    Posted by d2va[/QUOTE]

    You would be surprised at the amount of brides who come on here wanting to kick someone out of their BP because their relationship had gone to crap.  Nine times out of ten they had asked their BM way too early (more then 9 months out) because "ZOMG we are BFFs and have known each other since the womb and in no way with our relationship change."  Guess what?  Relationships do change even if you may not want them to.  Thus why we tell brides to wait till about 6-9 months out before asking anyone to be in the BP.

    IMO, I think if you ask her to be a BM at this point she will think it is just out of pity.  Even if that isn't the way you mean it, it will still come off that way because you have already asked the rest of your BP and already told your friend that you wanted to keep things small.

    You could always consider asking her to do a reading during your ceremony if you wish.  But if not, then just invite her as a guest.  The important thing is that she be there the day of your wedding and not really where she is sitting or standing.

  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:589f59b7-cf1f-4a91-bbf5-f73f0478c3f7">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up! : You would be surprised at the amount of brides who come on here wanting to kick someone out of their BP because their relationship had gone to crap.  Nine times out of ten they had asked their BM way too early (more then 9 months out) because "ZOMG we are BFFs and have known each other since the womb and in no way with our relationship change."  Guess what?  Relationships do change even if you may not want them to.  Thus why we tell brides to wait till about 6-9 months out before asking anyone to be in the BP. IMO, I think if you ask her to be a BM at this point she will think it is just out of pity.  Even if that isn't the way you mean it, it will still come off that way because you have already asked the rest of your BP and already told your friend that you wanted to keep things small. You could always consider asking her to do a reading during your ceremony if you wish.  But if not, then just invite her as a guest.  The important thing is that she be there the day of your wedding and not really where she is sitting or standing.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    <div>I know, and understand. Theres no reason that me and these friends' relationship will dwindle, but I do understand your point! Thanks! I will make a mental note of this, lol.</div><div>
    </div><div>BUT Whats done is done, and I will include her in the dress shopping! </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:5785d3c2-f9e3-4941-88e5-b46045703a01">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up! : I know, and understand. Theres no reason that me and these friends' relationship will dwindle, but I do understand your point! Thanks! I will make a mental note of this, lol. BUT<strong> Whats done is done, and I will include her in the dress shopping!</strong> 
    Posted by d2va[/QUOTE]

    Dress shopping for what?
  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:f11a4302-cde5-43cc-a084-c18dbe522655">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up! : Dress shopping for what?
    Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]
     NOT BM dress shopping, my dress shopping probably. I dont know, I havent thought that far ahead. Im just trying to make myself feel better, lol :(
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:65c484fd-07f3-4bfc-90de-86e3403b63ab">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up! :  NOT BM dress shopping, m<strong>y dress shopping probably</strong>. I dont know, I havent thought that far ahead. Im just trying to make myself feel better, lol :(
    Posted by d2va[/QUOTE]

    ehhh... I'd stay away from inviting her, especially if it's a BP thing... Maybe just try and be friends while doing NWR stuff. If you're wedding is in 2014 and you grow close to her in the time before your BP has to buy dresses, I'd ask her in a few months - liek 4-5. 

    Ditto on asking her to be a reader.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • If you are feeling that horrible about it, why can't you just ask her to be a bridesmaid, and have uneven sides?   You can tell her that you feel horrible about excluding her, and having a small and even bridal party clouded your thinking.  
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:65c484fd-07f3-4bfc-90de-86e3403b63ab">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up! :  NOT BM dress shopping, my dress shopping probably. I dont know, I havent thought that far ahead. Im just trying to make myself feel better, lol :(
    Posted by d2va[/QUOTE]

    That will add insult to injury. I will provide a non-WR example:

    Let's say you and your 4 friends all have tickets booked for a Caribbean cruise and didn't ask friend #5 to go on the trip. You then ask/take friend #5 along with you to pick out new swimsuits and sunglasses. Yeah, no.
  • In Response to Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!:
    [QUOTE]If you are feeling that horrible about it, why can't you just ask her to be a bridesmaid, and have uneven sides?   You can tell her that you feel horrible about excluding her, and having a small and even bridal party clouded your thinking.  
    Posted by aRachel21[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. You dont have to have even sides, so you can still ask her if you want. & I wouldnt reccomend taking her dress shopping with you if you are going to have your other BMs with you. She may feel like the odd one out. I agree with PPs about asking her to be a reader.
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Out of curiosity, is your title supposed to be "I think I'm fed up" or "I think I f-ed up"?



  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Personally, I would feel that the small WP line is a BS excuse.  4 people in a BP, is not small, IMHO.  A small BP is 1 or 2 people. 

    I do think that if become closer with this girl over the next few months that you should invite her.  Tell her you have become so much closer over the last few months that you now can't picture her not standing up with you on your wedding day.  Also say that you don't care about the small WP anymore.
  • Sierra524Sierra524 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:e2e06998-f77e-4833-8481-dbb65023bfad">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I would feel that the small WP line is a BS excuse.  4 people in a BP, is not small, IMHO.  A small BP is 1 or 2 people. <strong> I do think that if become closer with this girl over the next few months that you should invite her.</strong>  Tell her you have become so much closer over the last few months that you now can't picture her not standing up with you on your wedding day.  Also say that you don't care about the small WP anymore.
    Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

    It sounds to me that she is already close with this girl. From what I am gathering, there is a group of 5 girls that are all close & OP asked 4/5 girls to be BMs. But, I could be wrong. OP, could you please clarify this?

    ETA: I have to agree with the begining of this post. 4 BMs is not a small wedding party, so there goes that excuse.
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  • OP, when you look back on your wedding, and all the people standing with you, will you regret not having this friend by your side?  
  • I agree that based on what you've said about your relationship with her, I think you should humble yourself and ask her. Explain that you thought about it and can't imagine getting married without her standing with you. Be as sincere as you can so she doesn't think you are just asking her because she said something. 

    I have 3 BM and 5 GM. Your sides can absolutely be uneven. 
  • hell include her....seeing as you still have a year+ to go anyway
    ****The Future Mrs. Ikeard**** wedding countdown
  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:a93996d8-aa17-464c-8cdf-f1d7001b89e7">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Out of curiosity, is your title supposed to be "I think I'm fed up" or "I think I f-ed up"?
    Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It's I think I F-ed up! lol sorry for the confusion!

    <div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:0940a7ea-8ce0-4dac-a7da-341d55c08795">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up! :<strong> It sounds to me that she is already close with this girl. From what I am gathering, there is a group of 5 girls that are all close & OP asked 4/5 girls to be BMs</strong>. But, I could be wrong. OP, could you please clarify this? ETA: I have to agree with the begining of this post. 4 BMs is not a small wedding party, so there goes that excuse.
    Posted by Sierra524[/QUOTE]
    </div><div>
    </div><div>You are 100% right! She is a close friend of mine, so this is why Im all upset and confused :
    (</div><div>
    </div><div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:72db8734-be9c-4301-b612-3b3a054c0864">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, when you look back on your wedding, and all the people standing with you, will you regret not having this friend by your side?  
    Posted by missfrodo[/QUOTE]
    </div><div>Yes, I will!</div><div>
    </div><div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:3bb6183a-c582-4c86-9b06-c54867576fc5">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is just my advice, for what it's worth...... Making someone a bridesmaid makes them feel special.   Telling her, "I've thought about it, and I realize I should have asked you to be in my wedding party.  We're close friends, and I'll feel terrible if I look at my wedding album on my tenth anniversary and don't see you in the photos of my bridesmaids.  Will you forgive me, and join my wedding party?" would probably make up for the slight. You said you'd include her in dress shopping.  Think about this.  Does watching someone else try on clothes make YOU feel special? Do you think she'll feel honored because she got to watch you shop for a wedding gown?  I can only speak for myself, but seeing someone else put on wedding dresses would in no way, shape or form come anywhere close to making me feel special.  It sure wouldn't make me feel as good as I would being a bridesmaid in the friend's wedding. "Oh, golly gee whiz!  Jill and Jean are bridesmaids, Brenda is a reader, and I got to go with Susie when she shopped for her wedding dress! See how much she likes me?" Think about it.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
    </div><div>
    </div><div>I agree! AND I think Im pretty much going to use those words ups there and fix this, because I love her, and I feel like a f****g asshole!!!</div><div>
    </div><div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-conflicted-i-think-i-fed-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a352d8b8-15f6-434b-b8bb-e7191ca586faPost:55f08532-3068-4c8c-9eb2-28558ebb3ab6">Re: Im conflicted, I think I Fed up!</a>:
    [QUOTE]hell include her....seeing as you still have a year+ to go anyway
    Posted by aquari0216[/QUOTE]
    </div></div><div>
    </div><div>I will. Thank you all ladies, and thank you for being kinda easy on me! </div><div>
    </div><div><3</div>
  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Just an uopdate!

    She and I had a heart to heart and she accepted my apologies for being an a*hole and isnow part of my wedding party!

    Now, I feel great! :D
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