A tad bit concerned

MedStudent13

So my fiance and I filled out the FOCUS test form with my parish, and when we were finished the priest said that he would be in touch with us in the next couple of days so we could go over our answers. Flash forward a couple of weeks, and we still hadn't heard from him. I asked him after mass one Sunday about when we were supposed to meet, and he said that because none of our answers gave him cause for concern, we didn't need to meet for additional counseling. 

This, combined with the pre-cana debacle (where the deacon in charge gave advice contrary to church teachings, and repeatedly stated that he knew we didn't want to be at pre-cana) makes me a bit concerned about the quality of premarital counseling in our parish. 

Does anyone else have any similar experiences?

My fiance and I declined the invitation to attent the Engaged Encounter because of our prior experiences with the quality of premarital counseling in our parish... 

lalaith50

Yikes, yeah, I'd be a little concerned/annoyed. That's too bad that it doesn't seem like your priest takes pre-marital counseling seriously. :-(

But I don't think you should let this affect your decision to go to EE - that's run by it's own, separate, organization, so it *won't* have any formal links to your parish. To me, your lack of preparation so far (especially that you realize it!) seems all the more reason to go!

bibliophile2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_a-tad-bit-concerned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:366670c9-d2c3-446b-9880-748f83bcf260Post:7a872f7c-b2ca-448b-ae06-2259caa919f6">Re: A tad bit concerned</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes, yeah, I'd be a little concerned/annoyed. That's too bad that it doesn't seem like your priest takes pre-marital counseling seriously. :-( But I don't think you should let this affect your decision to go to EE - that's run by it's own, separate, organization, so it *won't* have any formal links to your parish. To me, your lack of preparation so far (especially that you realize it!) seems all the more reason to go!
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]

This.

monkeysip

FI and I have had kind of the same problem.

Our parish is small and kind of disorganized.  We only have one priest, and so far, our premarital counseling has consisted of sitting down with our priest and discussing a few scripture passages.  Then him going on and on about other, unrelated things.

He never asked us about us or our relationship.  We never did a FOCCUS.  Kind of weird, but we just went with it.  By time we looked into EE, it was too late to sign up for it.  We're not even sure if we're supposed to meet with him again or not.  It was never a set schedule... just us asking him after mass, "are we meeting this week?".  Now we only have 6 weeks until the wedding, so I guess we're pretty much done.  

I was disappointed that we didn't have better premarital counseling, but FI and I have tried to make up for it by doing some reading and talking on our own.  *shrug*

monkeysip

It's just funny because knowing our priest's personality, and how seriously he takes the church's teaching on sexuality and marriage, I thought for sure we'd have the opposite problem, and he'd be really grilling us on our personal lives and beliefs or something.  He seems to be much more laid back on weddings than on anything else, lol.

Thanks, Kristan, but since it's so close, we'll problably just leave it be.  It's not like we were particularly concerned about marriage or our relationship, we just thought having good premarriage prep was a good idea, you know?  Fortunately, we could always go on a marriage encounter or something like that after the wedding.  Not like you have to stop learning these things after the wedding!  

mc4dj13

I had the exact opposit situation. My pastor was completely gun-ho about FOCCUS and sent us the results immediatly. They came in an envelope with DO NOT OPEN on them. He required we go to a psychologist to have him discuss the results with us. No biggie, just $150 an hour fee. I was extremely upset. I asked why it was so much money and why our pastor would no go over the results with us himself and he said he was not trained to read the charts/grafts whatever...

We go to the psychologist and he shows us the paper with our "results" and it is the easiest thing to read I have ever seen. A 5 year old could have summarized it. We were 82% compatable-good enough for me!

Bottom line is, if you can get out of going to the counseling and your church does not require it then good. If they do not predict that either of you is a sociopath then it really is not needed. Save yourself the grief, please.

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_a-tad-bit-concerned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:366670c9-d2c3-446b-9880-748f83bcf260Post:f4f416c9-fd3a-43d5-8861-5f84a17a7e34">Re: A tad bit concerned</a>:
[QUOTE]I had the exact opposit situation. My pastor was completely gun-ho about FOCCUS and sent us the results immediatly. They came in an envelope with DO NOT OPEN on them. He required we go to a psychologist to have him discuss the results with us. No biggie, just $150 an hour fee. I was extremely upset. I asked why it was so much money and why our pastor would no go over the results with us himself and he said he was not trained to read the charts/grafts whatever... We go to the psychologist and he shows us the paper with our "results" and it is the easiest thing to read I have ever seen. A 5 year old could have summarized it. We were 82% compatable-good enough for me! Bottom line is, if you can get out of going to the counseling and your church does not require it then good. If they do not predict that either of you is a sociopath then it really is not needed. Save yourself the grief, please.
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but I wouldn't say counseling isn't good or necessary at all.  Preparing for marriage is a huge deal, and I think more marriage preparation would help with the divorce rate in this country.</div><div>
</div><div>Again, your experience was bizarre, but I don't think it's typical.  Many people have a wonderful experience with premarital counseling.

</div>

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_a-tad-bit-concerned?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:366670c9-d2c3-446b-9880-748f83bcf260Post:f4f416c9-fd3a-43d5-8861-5f84a17a7e34">Re: A tad bit concerned</a>:
[QUOTE]I had the exact opposit situation. My pastor was completely gun-ho about FOCCUS and sent us the results immediatly. They came in an envelope with DO NOT OPEN on them. He required we go to a psychologist to have him discuss the results with us. No biggie, just $150 an hour fee. I was extremely upset. I asked why it was so much money and why our pastor would no go over the results with us himself and he said he was not trained to read the charts/grafts whatever... We go to the psychologist and he shows us the paper with our "results" and it is the easiest thing to read I have ever seen. A 5 year old could have summarized it. We were 82% compatable-good enough for me! Bottom line is, if you can get out of going to the counseling and your church does not require it then good. If they do not predict that either of you is a sociopath then it really is not needed. Save yourself the grief, please.
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I completely disagree that it "really is not needed". I take part in teaching marriage prep, and it is the MOST needed thing. People have not been catechized or formed in their Christian life for the most part, and are going to make promises to God for a vocation, yet have no idea what it even means. I think marriage prep should begin when somoene is single, and should be available before engagement for the discernment process. </div><div>
</div><div>and the Foccus is not "compatibility" in the sense that its understood. that 18% can be the most serious issues. Not saying it is, but to have a "good enough" attitude can be quite dangerous. </div><div>
</div><div>I think if one can't find good marriage prep provided directly for them, they should seek it out themselves. Find a good couple to be mentors. Design your own formation process. Read books together and watch different diocese prep videos together. </div><div>
</div>

lalaith50

<span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;">[QUOTE]I had the exact opposit situation. My pastor was completely gun-ho about FOCCUS and sent us the results immediatly. They came in an envelope with DO NOT OPEN on them. He required we go to a psychologist to have him discuss the results with us. No biggie, just $150 an hour fee. I was extremely upset. I asked why it was so much money and why our pastor would no go over the results with us himself and he said he was not trained to read the charts/grafts whatever... We go to the psychologist and he shows us the paper with our "results" and it is the easiest thing to read I have ever seen. A 5 year old could have summarized it. We were 82% compatable-good enough for me! Bottom line is, if you can get out of going to the counseling and your church does not require it then good. If they do not predict that either of you is a sociopath then it really is not needed. Save yourself the grief, please.</span>
Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]
your experience is very sad and unfortunate! But I think your conclusion is quite flawed. Just because your priest did not take it seriously, and the counseling you had was seemingly pointless does not mean that it <strong>shouldn't</strong> have been better, or that other people (or you!) <strong>would</strong> benefit from better counseling.