I don't want to sound rude...

lifeonthehill

Please excuse me if this doesn't come out right. I do not mean to offend.

FI is from a strong Catholic family and I am from a strong Mormon family. Both families were disappointed when we decided to not marry in the traditional way of our families faiths. When we explained that we just didnt have the strong convictions they were understanding. However now FI's grandmother is telling me that by not converting and by have a JOP/outside wedding I am ruining his religion. She is upset and says she still loves me but is coming to terms with his "loss"

I am trying to be sympathetic with her but I am not sure what she means and FI isn't really sure what she is going on about since he hasn't been an active Catholic in many many years. Can someone explain or give me some advice? Thank you so much in advance.

bibliophile2010

By marrying outside the Church, your FI will no longer be in communion with the Church. He cannot receive the Eucharist, be a godparent, serve as a confirmation sponsor, etc. If, as you say, he is no longer practicing, this may not be a big deal to him. To his family, however, it is probably very important, which is why his grandmother is upset.

I hope that helps somewhat.

lifeonthehill

Thank you for the response. I know it is not important to him I just want to be somewhat prepared for the next time this come up with the FGMIL

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_i-dont-want-to-sound-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:dc73df73-c7c4-4dc1-a4b9-81e375ab4e34Post:fa362c79-120e-4d89-bad6-f26a79071ed7">Re: I don't want to sound rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]By marrying outside the Church, your FI will no longer be in communion with the Church. He cannot receive the Eucharist, be a godparent, serve as a confirmation sponsor, etc. If, as you say, he is no longer practicing, this may not be a big deal to him. To his family, however, it is probably very important, which is why his grandmother is upset. I hope that helps somewhat. :)
Posted by bibliophile2010[/QUOTE]

I can tell you for a fact that not being allowed to be a godparent is not true.  DH and I are godparents to our niece.  My brother and his wife are godparents to our nephew.  None of us were married in the Catholic church.  My brother and his wife (the parents) told the priest about this.  I even asked the priest if he was sure we were allowed to be godparents having married outside of the church.  I asked the priest at my parish the same question.  Their emphatic answer was yes.  All that was required was one godparent who was baptized in the church.  So that is one parish in the midwest and one parish on the east coast giving the same answer.

I know without a doubt a bunch of people are going to now cite canon law and tell my that I am wrong or that these priests are wrong.

Calypso1977

The godparent issue aside different priests do different things that may or not be correct the bigger issue is that your FI really is turning away from his faith. I personally could forego being a godparent, but i could never forego the receipt of communion for the rest of my life. But im also practicing. Have you discussed children? When you habe them, what will you raise them? If you are thinking catholic, you may have difficulty getting them baptized if you arent living the faith which you cant do with an invalid in the church's eyes marriage. How is yiur mormon family handling everything? My best friend waa Mormon and married non mormom, thus outside the temple. Her family was devastated.

Calypso1977

And OP you would not have to convert to Catholicism to marry in the church.

lifeonthehill

Calypso. My family has gotten to know FI and have come around. I do believe they will for ever try to convert him and always try to get me back to church though.

I know I don't have to be a Catholic FGMIL wants me to be.

As far as children go we do not plan to raise them in any religion. We both love our families and are in no way against religion we just choose not to be involved. Our children will have all questions answered by us with our personal feelings and are more than welcome to explore any religion they choose. (As a child I had tons of friends come to church with me) We believe this will help them choose their own paths and not feel dragged through like I did with the Mormon religion.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_i-dont-want-to-sound-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:dc73df73-c7c4-4dc1-a4b9-81e375ab4e34Post:c472d9c0-ff2b-4870-ae3c-b25ed8767d72">Re: I don't want to sound rude...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't want to sound rude... : I can tell you for a fact that not being allowed to be a godparent is not true.  DH and I are godparents to our niece.  My brother and his wife are godparents to our nephew.  None of us were married in the Catholic church.  My brother and his wife (the parents) told the priest about this.  I even asked the priest if he was sure we were allowed to be godparents having married outside of the church.  I asked the priest at my parish the same question. <strong> Their emphatic answer was yes.  All that was required was one godparent who was baptized in the church.</strong>  So that is one parish in the midwest and one parish on the east coast giving the same answer. I know without a doubt a bunch of people are going to now cite canon law and tell my that I am wrong or that these priests are wrong.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Gotta say, this is all I've ever been told, as well.  Obviously it would be preferable (at least for me) to choose someone who shares my views on close to everything, which would include marriage, but if the party's only fault was a marriage outside the church, and I was sure that person would be a wonderful Christian example for my child, I'd go for it.</div>

Resa77

For each of my god children's baptisms, I was required to sign a paper stating that I am a Catholic in good standing. It specifically defined that as not being married outside the Church, receiving communion at least once a year, not living in any sort of public scandal, and attending Mass on Sundays and holy days. While some priests might say marrying outside the Church doesn't make you ineligible for being a god parent, don't assume all will, as that's not been my experience.

chelseamb11

OP, you're definitely not rude at all.  It boils down to that your FI wants.  If he isn't practicing and his religion isn't important to him, then you're not doing anything wrong.

As for FGMIL, she shouldn't be bringing this up to you anyway.  It's not between you and her.  If she has that much of an issue, she needs to be talking to your FI, not you.  Has your FI tried to address this with his family?  I know it's SO hard for families to accept when one of them decides to go another religious direction, but it needs to be clear that this isn't your fault.  Your FI made this choice on his very own accord.

s-aries8990

OP, just as long as FI is making a concious choice and you aren't forcing him to have a secular wedding, you aren't ruining his religion (but he is kinda "ruining" his own depending on how "ruining" is defined- not your fault). FGMIL is just projecting her disappointment for her grandson onto you because he grandbaby would never turn away from the church on his own.

If you aren't religious and have no desire to be, and FI feels the same way, don't let FGMIL get to you.

Calypso1977

sounds like you two are on the same page then, across the board, so that will certainly make things easier if you are presenting as a united front.

libby18bell

Resa, not sure when you were a godparent last but things have slightly changed, at least they have in the last 10 years when I was one last.  The burden is semi more on the parents now, they sign the paperwork, I didn't sign any paperwork as the godmother.  I agree with Professor, that only 1 godparent is required to be Catholic also, since you only need to have 1 actual godparent.

bibliophile2010

When my daughter was baptized in September, her godfather (and she only has one godparent, so I'm not arguing that point at all) was required to have a letter sent from his parish confirming that he met the requirements, including not being married outside the Church. A second godparent should meet the same requirements, though the ease of getting around it certainly doesn't surprise me. Just like people receive communion who shouldn't all the time. A second witness who is not Catholic is not technically a godparent, though colloquially many people don't see a difference.

The main reason I brought up the fact that one should not be serving (and may have difficulty serving in some dioceses/parishes) is because that may impact them more than not receiving Communion if they do not go to Mass regularly as it is.

professorscience

Finding godparents is difficult enough that I think sometimes we just do the best we can within the requirements of the church and the parents.  Sometimes I wish I knew some of the ladies on this board IRL, because choosing godparents would be WAY easier.

In DH's family, I think most of the godparents of his siblings are no longer practicing.  I know at least that BIL's godparents left the Catholic church and are now Episcopalian.  He still has a relationship with them, and they're still his godparents.

Calypso1977

the boston archdiocese requires a letter from your parish priest indicating that you are in good standing.

but again, priests may not know your marital status if they werent the priest that married you, for example.  when a married couple enters a catholic church and walks up for communion, the priest there can only assume that they were married properly. 

i know someone who just served as a godfather and he is divorced, no annulment, and he is remarried civilly.  his parish priest may or may not know he was remarried civilly, particularly if he marches up to communion whenever he attends.

Resa77

In Response to Re:I don't want to sound rude...:[QUOTE]Resa, not sure when you were a godparent last but things have slightly changed, at least they have in the last 10 years when I was one last. nbsp;The burden is semi more on the parents now, they sign the paperwork, I didn't sign any paperwork as the godmother. nbsp;I agree with Professor, that only 1 godparent is required to be Catholic also, since you only need to have 1 actual godparent. Posted by libby18bell[/QUOTE]

Libby, the last time I became a godparent was Feb 2013.

stantokm

I'm in the Arlington diocese (DC area) and have been to MANY baptisms where only one godparent was a practicing Catholic.  I don't know the protocol as I've never been one before, but perhaps they only require documentation from one godparent proving his/her dedication to the Church?

agapecarrie

A Godparent for a Catholic must be a Catholic in good standing, no irregular marriages, and they promise to assist in the spiritual formation of the child in the catholic faith.

There can be one Godparent, and one Christian witness, if the second person is not Catholic.

Priests are all over the map in how they actually enforce this, but I would hope that any person taking on a godparent/christian witness role would actually look into what they are promising to before GOD and not lie, or take it lightly. 

libby18bell

The paperwork was only required by one godparent when I became a godmother.  Since the baptism was at the church that I was already a member of there was no issue.  I was speaking more for the signing of the paperwork.  I wasn't asked to sign anything.  My other sister is a godmother, but she is not Catholic, she is now another religion, but because the godfather is Catholic there wasn't an issue.

wittykitty14

My sister's godfather is our uncle, who is Jewish.  My aunt is Catholic (along with my family) and he grew up in a Jewish family, and still practices the faith.  They had a Catholic wedding, with Jewish traditions incorporated into the ceremony.  As far as I know, there were no problems regarding him being a godparent.