Bachelor Parties and Strip Clubs

chinofiesta93

My FI had his bachelor party this past weekend.
In the initial planning stages, there was a bit of talk about potentially going to a strip club. At the time, I was all like, "oh whatever, you only live once! have fun!"
Then they opted not to go, because some of the other wives would be upset with their men going to the strip club.

Lo and behold, come Sunday, one of the single guys who went, posted on FB book that he had an f-n great night and wrapped it up at blahblahblah the night before.
Ofcourse, I find FI and I say,  "oh, so you saw lots of tatas last night?" And he full on said,  "and lots of c00chie and ass too..it was a full nudity club"

OMG..seriously I was so upset and I still am! It's Tuesday night, we're getting married on Saturday and I'm actually still upset and sad over it. I'm not so much actually angry about him going, it's just the fact that I would NEVER have found out because he wouldn't have told me -- I found out on FB, and the fact that he actually saw other women's v's.
Okay, so watching stuff online is whatever, but actually having another chick's downstairs all up near my man REALLY really bothers me. I feel like I don't even know him anymore. Every time I look at him, in my head, I'm all like "who is this guy sitting across from me?"
Did he enjoy seeing those women's ladyparts? Did his friends buy him table dances? Do I actually even want to know the details?
 Like I seriously still feel weird when he touches me. I can pretty much turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat and cry almost everytime I'm alone in the car, LOL. It makes me feel better! But it's pathetic.

I'm not actually concerned about the health of our relationship -- I know that these emotions I'm feeling are just because of the stress and insecurities about how much I hate shaving my legs and have stretch marks and definitely don't have a stripper's body.
I just needed to vent and let these feelings pass.

I'm just looking forward to our honeymoon, where we can sort of relax, even though I'll be worried about our son the whole time!

Blondy214

In my experience and from what I've heard, the women who work at strip clubs don't look at all like the women who work in strip clubs on TV. I know it can be upsetting. FI told me they weren't going to spend a lot of time in the strip club, and I don't think that they did, but he told me that they paid for one of his friends to get a dance. So of course my follow up question was "Did you get a dance?" which I shouldn't have asked. It made me kind of upset too, but what can ya do? Men have some kind of complex about a bachelor party not being a bachelor party unless there are strippers involved. I stopped asking questions about it because I didn't want to know the answers lol. 

Either way, just try to remember that YOU are the one he loves and is marrying, not some stripper in a club. 

Cryssteen

What are you upset about?  Is it that he didn't tell you?  From the tone of it, it sounds like you THOUGHT you might be cool with him going, and in the end you are not.  You can't really be upset with him about that, but now you know how you really feel about the whole idea of a strip club.  So, moving forward, let him know that you aren't comfortable with it.  Don't let his silly boy antics ruin your wedding/planning for either of you.  You don't want him to feel so ashamed, embarrassed, and bad that he went in these next few days... you want him to be excited.  You want you to be excited.  Add this to the list of life decisions that you need to address.. But for right now, in the end, he saw some skanks shake it in a dirty club - as many a-bachelor has.  

I'm in the same boat where I can cry on command these days.  So cry.  But try not to take it out on him.  It probably has little to do with him right now... We're just a mess. Happy wedding week!

dandelionsgirl

I am sorry that you are upset.  

From what I read it sounds like your FI probably thought that it would be alright with you and that is why he didn't say anything.  I can see that there is a difference between a strip club and a nude bar but guys being what they are he might not have.

Just try to take deep breathes and think that it is in the past and he LOVES YOU. Not a nasty dirty v that he saw at his bachelor party.  

[Deleted User]

Take your time to cry it out and rage to us, but then let it go. It really doesn't seem to me like he was trying to keep anything from you. It sounds like you had discussed the possibility of him going to a strip club previously and you said you'd be ok with it. Plans changed, then changed back, but he didn't see the need to tell you about that because you'd already  had a discussion where you said that it was ok for him to go. So, unfortunately for how you're feeling now, you kind of dug your own grave.

As for him doing something inappropriate, I wouldn't worry about it. Even when FI has gone to a strip club, he's never done anything like that because he knows it would upset me. So he's gone, had fun with friends, but never crossed any lines he wouldn't normally cross. I'm sure the same is true for your man. However, if it's really bothering you, maybe ask him point blank. While those kind of conversations can hurt and suck, I always feel its better to have things in the open and dealt with rather than just be wondering and having my head fill in the blanks with worst case scenarios.

melicifant

It is perfectly natural to be a little jealous but now you need to let go of it. Those women had no interest in your man and he had no interest in actually getting too near any of that I am sure.
He was probably as surprised as you that they ended up there and didn't want you to react like this so didn't tell you first thing. That is not to say he wasn't going to find a time to tell you just that he had not gotten the chance. Maybe he knew you might flip out a tad, it is just the stress. He did offer up it was an all nude all on his own. He was brave for that. Let it go. You are just stressed.

When I worked for a computer/cable networking company the owner did work for several strip clubs and even brothels(he was such a lovely man). The women in those palces are not pretty, not young, not classy. I had to do several days work at an all nude club. I was in the office mostly but I had to cross the club to use the restroom. I am totally not kidding when I tell you this little story. <insert gross warning /> You will never think of one of those places as a sexy place again.  They had to stop the show every once in a while to clean the entire stage with rubbing alcohol. They mopped and wiped every thing down for health reasons. I was so happy when I quit that job.

May I add my other funny stripper story here just to make you smile? A friend of mine had a daughter who was working at a strip club(luckily the girl has moved past that stage). The club used her for the billboard ad campaign. The billboard ended up being placed where you could see it from the mother's porch. Her mom was not happy but did always manage a joke about not sure if she should be embarrassed by it or proud of her daughter for succeeding.

allychase

I made sure to let my FI know how I feel about strip clubs, which to me is no different than a naked girl at a party dancing all over him. It would be considered cheating if it wasn't a strip club, so why is it perfectly acceptable when they're PAYING for it? I told him he wants a stripper he has one at home that he's married to lol. But that's just my opinion. Some women may think I'm crazy but to me there's never a reason my soon to be husband should ever be in the presence of another naked woman. If you never want him going to one again, calmly explain your reasoning and that you keep picturing him with this random woman and it makes you feel uncomfortable. I straight up told my FI if you are married to me you will never step foot in a strip club, is that ok with you? And he's fine with it because marriage means more than watching some filthy women shaking it on a pole for dollar bills.

phoenix870509

My FI's friends were talking about taking him to a strip club but we both shot that down fast. I personally think it's degrading to women and men. I don't want male strippers at my BP, which my girls are honoring (we're just going out to a club and having a blast). My FI just doesn't care for it. He actually has a friend who is a stripper (he knew her way before he met me and is friends with her because they have common interests, not because she's a stripper). She made him promise never to come to her club because she never wanted him to see her in that way, and he has kept that promise. Now his best friend is getting married soon and his bachelor party will more than likely include strip clubs. I'm not thrilled about it, and neither is my FH, but he will go because it's his best friend. And I can't tell him he can't go because that would just put a strain on our relationship and with his friends. He won't enjoy himself but his friend will, and that's what matters since it's his party.

orangehills

I'm sorry you are upset I can understand where you are coming from. I wouldn't ask for details though. Chalk it up to, hey, it was his bachelor party, as long as he didn't cheat it wasn't any different than porn. (at least try to think of it that way). But I'd talk to him about it and let him know you are upset he didn't tell you, and that going to a strip club like that again is out of the question for anyone else's bachelor party in the future. Make sure he knows he did wrong by his lie of omission, so that you can get the air clear before the wedding!! And- yeah, I don't think girls in strip clubs are that great honestly.. that's just movies where they all look amazing.

Spunky414

I'm sorry you're upset. You've found your line and now you need to communicate that you are no longer comfortable with him going to strip clubs and going forward you want to hear something like this from him, not one of his friends (that's would be the really problematic part for me). After that, let it go, he asked if it was ok, you said it was and then changed your mind. Consider this a lesson being aware and assertive with your boundaries.

-Steps on Soapbox-

Strippers are people too. They are not dirty or skanky or anything else because of their profession. No one grows up wanting to strip, there's a very limited social safety net in the US especially for single women without kids. The "loose" woman stripping to pay her way through law school is largely a myth. Best case senario is a woman with no skills or education doing what she must to feed herself and her kids. Worst case is she was trafficked into this country and kept drugged up and has no choice. No persons' worth comes from what they do with their bodies

-Steps Down-

allychase

As to the above I agree strippers are people too, but just naked people who I don't want around my FI. Lol hell any woman can be a naked person.. I just don't want ANY of them near FI lol, I mean at least when they're naked.

Spunky414

No judgement Ally, I think no strippers is a perfectly reasonable boundary in any monogamous relationship 

vk2204

Ally - I 1000% agree with you about strip clubs. A naked chick is a naked chick and regardless of where you are - any sort of tits or vag on my FI is cheating; being in a strip club does not make it any less disgusting. My FI has known since before we were dating how I felt so when it came time for his bachelor party he was well aware, if there are strippers or any sort of skeevy behavior it's a deal breaker.

chino - just let it all out - and when you feel better just tell your FI "hey, just let me know ahead of time so I don't have to find stuff out via FB capish?"

For the wedding FI and I were in this past October - the best man actually 'ordered' girls to go to the house. When he called they asked him what level did he want - mild, hot, hot and spicy, or xxx - and the xxx ones will do WHATEVER or WHOEVER you want... yuck. They tried to get the guys to do a bridal party lap dance and FI had someone else stand in for him because he knew how I felt.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry you're upset, but think about why you're upset. If it's because he wasn't honest with you about it--and he really was not telling you rather than just not mentioning it, then that's understandable. If it's for pretty much any other reason, you should check yourself before you say I do.

As for other chicks near your man--well, get used to that. You can't put him on a leash and you have to trust him to behave, or as my mother puts it: "Look, but don't touch." He's marrying you, after all--so he must be happy with you.

Does your FI enjoy looking at other women's ladyparts? Abso-freaking-lutely! All men do, regardless of what they tell their women. Being jealous about it is sort of silly, really.

Yes, I think that ogling over ladies prancing around naked is stupid and juvenile, but my FI is still going to do it. In fact, I can one-up you because his best man is hiring women to come into their private suite at their hotel room. You can bet your behind there will be multiple lap dances. Do I think it's stupid? Yes. Am I worried about my FI's behavior? Not in the least. I trust him completely, that's why I'm marrying him.

YMMV, of course.