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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Sticky Situation: Separated, not yet Divorced. How to handle invite/STD?

Hey y'all!

There's a bit of a sticky situation in FI's family. Background info: His cousin, "J", has separated from her husband, "M".  It's been not quite a year.  When we first made the guest list, they were still together.  In VA, a couple must be separated and living apart for a certain amount of time (over a year, I think) before they can legally divorce.  Since his family as a whole is generally pretty secretive about negative things, we don't know much about the situation, ie if they are reconciling or if they have decided to go through with the divorce when possible.  They also have two young sons.

This is our current plan for handling STD and invitation: We've decided to only invite J. Our original guest list and budget only accommodated the two of them.  With the possibility of new significant others, we don't have room for both.  Also, FI is closer to J than to M.  We will send a STD to J, with just her name on the envelope (we are not inviting children).  We're not sure if she is currently seeing someone given the situation, so for now we are not giving her a guest.  When the time comes to send invitations, we'll talk to her and find out if she's in a new relationship or reconciling.  At that point, if she has a new SO or is back with M, we will invite them with her.  If not, we'll just invite her as currently planned.

My question: is this an appropriate plan? Can y'all think of any better ways to handle this, or are we going about it the right way already?  Thanks in advance for any input!
Anniversary

Re: Sticky Situation: Separated, not yet Divorced. How to handle invite/STD?

  • It's tough to make a decision when this is all a guessing game.  I'd have FI contact "J" and ask what J's preference on the STD wording is..."J & M" or just "J".  If they are reconcilling, it would be pretty awkward for the invite to only go to J.  I wouldn't feel comfortable taking the chance.
  • If they are truely seperated, then they are no longer a social unit, and therefore deserve seperate invitations.

    If they are in new relationships, correct etiquette would be to extend an invite to any SOs they have.  I would phone around the family (or better yet, them directly), to inquire about how many invites they would need each.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • I would skip sending the STD, personally. 

    The rest of your plan sounds great. Just wait until the date the invitations need to go out and ask her what the deal is. 
    They might reconcile by then. They might be reconciling tomorrow. 
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  • MuppetFanMuppetFan member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited April 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-separated-not-yet-divorced-how-to-handle-invitestd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:632f1273-352b-4fc1-8ecc-d806cda5aaccPost:4bd78dfc-9b07-4094-9b89-cd0af1dd7e2d">Re: Sticky Situation: Separated, not yet Divorced. How to handle invite/STD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would skip sending the STD, personally.  The rest of your plan sounds great. Just wait until the date the invitations need to go out and ask her what the deal is.  They might reconcile by then. They might be reconciling tomorrow. 
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    Oh good point. But what if everyone else in the family gets one but him. Does that mean he thinks he won't be invited to the wedding and if he gets an invite...is an after thought?

    Does it matter how it's addressed as much on the STD or just the invites? (literally asking, I don't know)
    image   imageimage
    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

  • Thanks for the input thus far.  The STD vs invite is what we're wondering too Muppet. Nda, thanks for the advice on asking her input for the STD. Right now we're treating them as separated with no plans for reconciliation because that's the most recent info we have and that's how they've been living for awhile now (since last Spring/Summer).  We'll definitely consider asking her what she would prefer.

    Keep the suggestions coming if y'all come up with any more!
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-separated-not-yet-divorced-how-to-handle-invitestd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:632f1273-352b-4fc1-8ecc-d806cda5aaccPost:14047857-a11b-42b5-ba6e-ed1363b015f1">Re: Sticky Situation: Separated, not yet Divorced. How to handle invite/STD?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation: Separated, not yet Divorced. How to handle invite/STD? : Oh good point. But what if everyone else in the family gets one but him. Does that mean he thinks he won't be invited to the wedding and if he gets an invite...is an after thought? Does it matter how it's addressed as much on the STD or just the invites? (literally asking, I don't know)
    Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]
    J won't be getting one either, though. So M won't be the only one lol.<div>Maybe skip sending to all the cousins, except OOT ones? </div><div>
    </div><div>STD = an Invitation, but Invitation <span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:small;line-height:16px;">≠ STD.</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:small;line-height:16px;">If you do send M an STD, then you should invite him. But if you don't send him an STD, then it's not like you can't invite him to the wedding if they reconcile. </span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:small;line-height:16px;">Here's the thing... if they are splitting up for good, then he shouldn't be surprised he's not being invited, you know?</span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:small;line-height:16px;">
    </span></div><div><span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:small;line-height:16px;">
    </span></div>
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  • My opinion would be to address the STD & invitation to J & M. They are legally still married, even if they are separated. That gives J, who would receive the invitation I assume, the ability to decide how to handle the situation. If they do reconcile, great! He's on the invitation. If not & she's dating someone else then you've accounted for the additional guest & you can talk with her about whether or not she'd like to invite her new beau instead.

    I suppose I don't like the idea of the guessing game & would defer the tough decisions to the person if affects rather than figuring it out myself. I'd give them the control to handle the situation how they best see fit.
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