Two Weddings in The Family

Knottie30866177

My fiance and I will be engaged for 2.5 years when we get married, and will be having a fairly low key and comfortable wedding. We have been engaged for so long because his family and what is left of mine are in a couple different states across the country, and in 2014 we will almost all be in the same state. We told our family that we will be getting married in the fall of 2014... My future sister in law recently got engaged and will be getting married in the summer of that year (4 months before our wedding date). She hasn't started officially planning yet, and neither have I (I am enjoying our lengthy engagement ). I have no family left, I was adopted by my grandparents and they passed recently, so I will only be contributing what I can to the wedding, and we haven't even mentioned needing money from his side. His sister is having a very outlandish wedding, so much so that she has already sent out "contribution requests" to certain family members with what she wants them to help with instead of registry items. We have been getting hints from his family that we need to either move the wedding to 2015 or we shouldn't expect money from them. How do I handle this with dignity and not sound like a bridezilla?

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:Two Weddings in The Family:[QUOTE]My fiance and I will be engaged for 2.5 years when we get married, and will be having a fairly low key and comfortable wedding. We have been engaged for so long because his family and what is left of mine are in a couple different states across the country, and in 2014 we will almost all be in the same state. We told our family that we will be getting married in the fall of 2014... My future sister in law recently got engaged and will be getting married in the summer of that year 4 months before our wedding date. She hasn't started officially planning yet, and neither have I I am enjoying our lengthy engagement : . I have no family left, I was adopted by my grandparents and they passed recently, so I will only be contributing what I can to the wedding, and we haven't even mentioned needing money from his side. His sister is having a very outlandish wedding, so much so that she has already sent out quot;contribution requestsquot; to certain family members with what she wants them to help with instead of registry items. We have been getting hints from his family that we need to either move the wedding to 2015 or we shouldn't expect money from them. How do I handle this with dignity and not sound like a bridezilla? Posted by RebekahS14[/QUOTE]
Four months is a fairly long period in between weddings.

Her asking for donations to fund her wedding is Klassy with a capital K.

Plan the wedding you and your fiance can afford. This way, no one can hold the date against you and you don't have to worry about whether or not they'll pay for any of it.

MuppetFan

Don't worry about her. Plan your wedding for what you want it to be and for what you can afford. If you want to do more, then push your date further into the future to a time you can save more money up...and if that means his family will help you, then great. If not, you'll be able to cover it yourselves.

winelover123

4 months between dates is quite a long period of time - there's no rule that there can only be one wedding per year per family. FBIL and his FI are getting married 3 weeks after us. Sure, not everyone in the family is exactly happy about it, but that's what it is. Keep your date/year. Plan the wedding you can afford and don't expect help from anyone. Your FSIL sounds like one klassy lady.

If someone gives you a hint to move your date, smile sweetly and say that you both have your minds set then continue on your merry way.

s-aries8990

The question is, do you want their money?

 If FSIL wants an outlandish wedding,as sometimes those expectations aren't without influence from the family - will future ILs expect you to have a large wedding if you accept their money?

I think that you and FI should plan the wedding you can afford, have the wedding you want, and live happy knowing that you are having a wedding that is a reflection of FI and you.

Let SFIL have a tacky and obnoxious wedding if she wants one. B

(and the timing of FSIL's engagement and wedding shouldn't be of your concern - they aren't imposing on your intended date so at least be grateful for that! )

Knottie30866177

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-weddings-in-the-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:64c8f8f0-64f4-44cc-af59-faefcdd7be13Post:fe7254da-981c-4eff-ad45-3901ea97eaea">Re: Two Weddings in The Family</a>:
[QUOTE]The question is, do you want their money?  If FSIL wants an outlandish wedding,as sometimes those expectations aren't without influence from the family - will future ILs expect you to have a large wedding if you accept their money? I think that you and FI should plan the wedding you can afford, have the wedding you want, and live happy knowing that you are having a wedding that is a reflection of FI and you. Let SFIL have a tacky and obnoxious wedding if she wants one. B (and the timing of FSIL's engagement and wedding shouldn't be of your concern - they aren't imposing on your intended date so at least be grateful for that! )
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

I love his family, since my grandparents passing they have become my family, and we weren't expecting money from them... but it would be nice to have a contribution. I am most stressed about the tension that it is causing between my fiance and my FMIL. Her contribution is the airline tickets to their honeymoon (1 week each on three different tropical islands) and we keep getting calls from her asking if we can contribute, which we can't because I am still finishing up my degree. FSIL says we should just go to the court house and then have potluck because "she's their little girl".

MuppetFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-weddings-in-the-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:64c8f8f0-64f4-44cc-af59-faefcdd7be13Post:2ad74e7a-97dc-4822-9e74-d975ef88d253">Re: Two Weddings in The Family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Two Weddings in The Family : I love his family, since my grandparents passing they have become my family, and we weren't expecting money from them... but it would be nice to have a contribution. I am most stressed about the tension that it is causing between my fiance and my FMIL. Her contribution is the airline tickets to their honeymoon (1 week each on three different tropical islands) and we keep getting calls from her asking if we can contribute, which we can't because I am still finishing up my degree. FSIL says we should just go to the court house and then have potluck because "she's their little girl".
Posted by RebekahS14[/QUOTE]

Just ignore her and plan the wedding that you want and can afford yourselves.

Knottie30866177

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-weddings-in-the-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:64c8f8f0-64f4-44cc-af59-faefcdd7be13Post:beb24291-5eac-4fea-b2ef-283f0a1f4261">Re:Two Weddings in The Family</a>:
[QUOTE]You keep your wedding date and pay for your own money like grown ups. After 2.5 years, you should have plenty saved up for it right? Or you move your date so that YOU can have more time to save. By the way, who has been dating longer who gets engaged first have absolutely nothing to do with anything. Other family members are not obligated to put their lives and weddings on hold simply because you two are enjoying a long engagement and haven't even begun planning yet.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I am thinking some people are misunderstanding this question. We aren't expecting to get money for the wedding, it would be nice but we aren't asking for any. We can afford the wedding on our own, and are waiting until 2014 so that his entire family can be in attendance. We are getting told by his family that they can't afford two weddings in one year, even though we haven't asked them for any money.. and they are telling us that we need to change our wedding because its inconvienent for them. I am trying to figure out a nice way to tell them that if they want to contribute to our wedding they can but it is not expected and that we are not changing the dates (we are also moving across the country to be closer to his family, another reason why we are not changing the dates). I am NOT telling his family that they need to put their lives on hold. I just want to know how to tell them that this is their son, he is getting married too and maybe you could help since you have had a whole year before her announcement to prepare, but we aren't going to hate you if you don't. We want a happy wedding, not a wedding filled with stressed out people and that will break the family. We have done some minor planning (like put a deposit down on a place for the ceremony/reception so that we can make payments).

I'm feeling very singled out now, I don't want to be a bride-zilla. I just want to have a nice, comfortable, and "cheap" wedding that his family will come to and will enjoy.

Simply Fated

Hun, no one here thinks you're being Bridezilla. I think maybe we're not wording our advice clearly? The next time they say something to you about money or your date, try saying something, like, "Thank you for offering financial help with our wedding, but we plan on covering the cost ourselves." And then change the subject. Or try saying, "That's good to know. We'll consider your advice." And then change the subject. How about, "We chose our date and we have no plans on changing it." And then change the subject. You can also try, "I'm sorry you feel that way." And then change the subject. Do not suggest they can still help financially. There is no good way to say that and your FSIL is bang out of order taking on donations. Our advice stands at Plan the Wedding You Can Afford. If they offer money, great. Any monetary gifts at your wedding are great. But don't plan on them helping This way, if they don't give you money, your butts are covered. Don't indulge their comments regarding your date by engaging in a conversation about it with them.

mycousinvinnie

"Our date is set and we will not be needing any contributions to our wedding.  But thank you so much for thinking of us!"

You don't have to change your date for someone else.  Just have your FI explain to them that you won't be needing any money from them and the date for your wedding has been chosen and is set.  A

And it really irks me that they are asking ANYONE for contributions to your SIL's wedding.  I'd tell her to kiss off.  Seriously, how entitled is she!

winelover123

Tell the family (or have FI tell his family) that the wedding date/year/month is set and you will not be changing your minds. As for FMIL calling asking for donations for FSIL's honeymoon, I can't say that I'd be very nice about saying no......the nicest I can give you is to just bluntly say no next time.

pearlaqua

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-weddings-in-the-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:64c8f8f0-64f4-44cc-af59-faefcdd7be13Post:80973584-d7d1-4509-9ecb-90cf07e2d1b2">Re:Two Weddings in The Family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Two Weddings in The Family : I am thinking some people are misunderstanding this question. We aren't expecting to get money for the wedding, <strong>it would be nice but we aren't asking for any</strong>. We can afford the wedding on our own, and are waiting until 2014 so that his entire family can be in attendance. We are getting told by his family that they can't afford two weddings in one year, even though we haven't asked them for any money.. and they are telling us that we need to change our wedding because its inconvienent for them. <strong>I am trying to figure out a nice way to tell them that if they want to contribute to our wedding they can but it is not expected and that we are not changing the dates </strong>(we are also moving across the country to be closer to his family, another reason why we are not changing the dates). I am NOT telling his family that they need to put their lives on hold. I just want to know how to tell them that this is their son, he is getting married too and maybe you could help since you have had a whole year before her announcement to prepare, but we aren't going to hate you if you don't. We want a happy wedding, not a wedding filled with stressed out people and that will break the family. We have done some minor planning (like put a deposit down on a place for the ceremony/reception so that we can make payments). I'm feeling very singled out now, I don't want to be a bride-zilla. I just want to have a nice, comfortable, and "cheap" wedding that his family will come to and will enjoy.
Posted by RebekahS14[/QUOTE]

Why don't you just tell them you don't expect them to contribute.  If they really want to contribute at any point they will (who knows, maybe they'll see your FSIL for the 'zilla on wheels that she is).

I don't think they'll be put off by your thanking them but telling them you have the costs covered. People will give you money if they want to.

MartinAston

I think there hint is crap. If they are willing to contribute to both they have plenty of time until both wedding to work out a plan. It's not like either of you brides are surprising them with dates. Just plan it how you can afford it. I have the feeling with there hint already unattached to money I surely would think with purse strings they'd control the planning.

MartinAston

In Response to Re:Two Weddings in The Family:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Two Weddings in The Family:I think there hint is crap. If they are willing to contribute to both they have plenty of time until both wedding to work out a plan. It's not like either of you brides are surprising them with dates. Just plan it how you can afford it. I have the feeling with there hint already unattached to money I surely would think with purse strings they'd control the planning. Posted by MartinAston

Martin, I think one of us is drunk because that last sentence makes no sense. Although, admittedly, it could be me. Posted by StageManager14[/

I meant if they are already using money as a tactic to get her to move the date and if she did and they actually contributed, they might try to be more influential about the planning. Which, they may not, just something to chew on.And actually, yep I was drinking. You found me out. I don't know if that explanation helped or not. Do not drink and knot, especially on your phone.I'll just go have another beer.

MartinAston

And of course above comment makes me look more of a lush with the no spacing of paragraphs. At least that's how it shows on my phone.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-weddings-in-the-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:64c8f8f0-64f4-44cc-af59-faefcdd7be13Post:262a5c38-429f-45d1-bc9a-a2679baac8b4">Re: Two Weddings in The Family</a>:
[QUOTE]"Our date is set and we will not be needing any contributions to our wedding.  But thank you so much for thinking of us!" You don't have to change your date for someone else.  Just have your FI explain to them that you won't be needing any money from them and the date for your wedding has been chosen and is set.
Posted by Darbie914[/QUOTE]
This. You don't need their money, so what is the point of letting them know you don't but they can give you some if they want? Just tell them it's handled and the date is when it is. But then you need to start ACTIVELY planning your wedding and booking the date with a venue and vendors. <div>
</div><div>
<div>
</div><div>
</div></div>

FizzySips

If they continue to bring it up, your FI needs to let his family know that you won't be contributing to the other wedding financially. And then change the subject. If his family comes through later with some financial contribution for your wedding then that's great - but don't expect it or talk about it. Plan the wedding you can afford, outside of the weird, rude situation going on with FSILs wedding. Good luck!

arendiva

In regards to your future mother in law I'd just politely tell her "Thank you for your concern over our wedding finances but sut to our long engagement and good planing we've got things covered and we're excited for our 2014 wedding!" then change the subject.

I'd probably have a hard time remaining civil with FSIL if she repeatedly suggested that I help fund her wedding while doing a JOP potluckapolosa for my own. I won't even try to give advise on that one because what I would say to such a rude person would probably be outside the bounds of proper etiquette.

MuppetFan

I'm with Stage on this one. You can't judge how the inlaws spend their money or talk to them about it. You just need to focus on yourselves and plan the wedding you can afford.
 
If they complain to you about finances or convenience, just tell them that all they need to do is show up and relax.

MsYeck

I would strait out tell them you are nt moving your date, do not need financial help but do not intend on contributing toward FSIL wedding as you have your own to save for. I personally think it is shitty to treat siblings differently but that is my own opinion. I know my parents had so much "wedding money" saved and have each of us our 1/3 and anything we wanted over that was on us.