Potential Sibling Wedding Date Drama

meowgan

Hi,
Sorry in advance for the length! I'm newly engaged (yay!). My fiancee and I have been together for almost 8 years and we are both 26. We waited a little while to get engaged so that we could finish school, move out together and start our careers. Now that we are both engaged, both sides of our families are so excited that we're engaged as once he finally proposed everyone was kind of just like "FINALLY!". We are definitely both at the point in our lives where we are ready to get married and start our lives together.

Here is where my issue comes in, my younger brother who is 21, is also engaged. Him and his fiancee have been dating for almost 3 years (I believe) and they have been engaged since January of 2012. Problem: He (I think mostly she) wants to get married June of 2014, my fiancee and I have always talked about having a June or July wedding. Being at my age and at the point in my life, I do not want to wait until June or July of 2015. I know I need to respect my brother and his wedding planning especially because he was engaged first, but I kind of feel like I have a right to be married first (for the record, I do not care at all if he is actually married before me, it's just more of the fact that I don't want to wait a full other year) . My parents are against him getting married next year because he still will not be done with college.  I know I could be flexible with my date, but I don't want a cold weather wedding and I don't know if my mom could handle 2 weddings within 2 months of each other.

Am I just being completely selfish? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Thank you!

Jen4948

You pick your date, they pick theirs.

AddieCake

Why can't your mom handle it? Is she paying for both your weddings, or do you mean it will somehow be stressful for her?

MuppetFan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_potential-sibling-wedding-date-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69714c74-338c-4caa-a45d-af3aabeda3a1Post:03f2aa0c-901c-4a68-8d00-6547cc556417">Potential Sibling Wedding Date Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, Sorry in advance for the length! I'm newly engaged (yay!). My fiancee and I have been together for almost 8 years and we are both 26. We waited a little while to get engaged so that we could finish school, move out together and start our careers. Now that we are both engaged, both sides of our families are so excited that we're engaged as once he finally proposed everyone was kind of just like "FINALLY!". We are definitely both at the point in our lives where we are ready to get married and start our lives together. Here is where my issue comes in, my younger brother who is 21, is also engaged. Him and his fiancee have been dating for almost 3 years (I believe) and they have been engaged since January of 2012. Problem: He (I think mostly she) wants to get married June of 2014, my fiancee and I have always talked about having a June or July wedding. Being at my age and at the point in my life, I do not want to wait until June or July of 2015. I know I need to respect my brother and his wedding planning especially because he was engaged first, but I kind of feel like I have a right to be married first (for the record, I do not care at all if he is actually married before me, it's just more of the fact that I don't want to wait a full other year) . My parents are against him getting married next year because he still will not be done with college.  I know I could be flexible with my date, but I don't want a cold weather wedding and I don't know if my mom could handle 2 weddings within 2 months of each other. Am I just being completely selfish? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Thank you! :)
Posted by meowgan[/QUOTE]


It's just a silly thing to invest energy into. You do not have any right to be married first.
If they want June and you are good with July, just book July.  If you want to be the flexible one, be flexible. If you don't, book your date first.  It'll work itself out.

lyndausvi

I think it's ridiculous you think you deserve to be married first.  Just because you waited to get married doesn't mean everyone also has to wait and let you get married first.

That said, until someone has a venue booked no one as a date yet.

nda8414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_potential-sibling-wedding-date-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:69714c74-338c-4caa-a45d-af3aabeda3a1Post:8b552e55-0feb-4392-931f-c09a1603472b">Re: Potential Sibling Wedding Date Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's ridiculous you think you deserve to be married first.  Just because you waited to get married doesn't mean everyone also has to wait and let you get married first. That said, until someone has a venue booked no one as a date yet.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]



Agree

Sassenach1743

So do they have their date booked yet or not? 

Just because they've said they want June 2014 doesn't mean anything until a date is actually booked at a venue. It's not like calling dibs. Until a date is booked the month of June is fair game!

Focus on your own plans. And whatever you do don't let your tone of "I think I should get married first" ever come across to your brother, or you're asking for drama. 

If anything ask them which date in June they've booked so that you don't try to book the same one. This will at least give them a clue that you're actively looking for a venue and will be setting your date soon. If they have something to say, they'll say it. 

Don't anticipate drama. Only deal with it if it arises.

MoonlightSilver

Sorry, but there is no reason you deserve to be married first. That's ridiculous. 

Has your brother picked a venue, put down a deposit, etc? If not, then they don't have a date set. Go ahead and pick any date or month you want. 

kipnus

My sister got married 50 days after me. My wedding was in June, and hers was in August. It worked.

kerbohl

Are you living in a part of the country that doesn't have good weather in September or October?  Those are both beautiful months IMO.  But again, it depends on you.  I would just have a talk with your brother and say - hey, we're both engaged and don't want to get married on the same day, so what's your opinion on when you're getting married?  If they have been engaged since January of 2012 and don't have a date yet, that's a litte weird.  Why get engaged if you aren't actively planning a wedding yet? 

kmmssg

2 of our girls got married 3 months apart in 2005.  I looked the OTHER two girls dead in the eye and said that crap won't happen again.  The 2 that got married were my 24 yo DD and 18 yo SDD.  SDD got secretly engaged at 17 with her mom's permission, they made wedding plans (dress, church, etc) and THEN told us because they knew we would't approve.  She is now divorced.

My perspective - we host our girls weddings, it is a gift  We had budgeted for DD's wedding and SDD's hit us out of the blue.  We told her she could postpone so we could help her more or she could keep her date and we just wouldn't be able to help her as much as the oldest DD.  She chose to keep her date.

We host our girls (except the SDD above) weddings as a gift.  I will not put out the kind of money we parted with for the  2 weddings in 2005.  Even helping SDD in a smaller capacity was a drain on the bank account.  I told the other 2 girls if you want help and you want us to host you can't get married within a year of your sister.

As the stepmom, I got all the snarky remarks from Aunties and cousins about the expenses for travel and gifts for 2 weddings and 2 showers in 12 weeks.  They were legitimate complaints.  The family is fairly generous and would never treat one girl differently than any of the others.  It was NOT well received in the family.  SDD has no idea about any of that.  She would pop right on here and tell you "it was no problem for our family!!!" because she didn't hear that it was.

When questions pop up about siblings getting married close to one another I get a little surprised at the answers that are posted.  Even if you aren't helping to pay for your kids' weddings, that is still 2 dresses, shower gifts,wedding gifts, etc in a short amount of time and that can be a burden for some families.

Now, to the OP - yes, you do get one day and so does your brother.  You have NO entitlement to get married first.  I don't know if your parents intend on helping ot pay for the weddings but if they do. you both may have  to compromise.

It's like anything else with weddings.  If the wedding sucks, people don't tell the B&G because they are polite about it.  Same goes for weddings that are close together.  Chances are if people feel burdened by them, they won't mention it to the happy couple.  Apparently, though, they won't hesitate to let the SMOB know exactly how they feel!

nextrightthing

I have to admit I kind of giggled when you said, "at my age, I don't want to wait another year."  I get being excited, but honey, you are 26.  That's hardly an old spinster.   

If your brother has already paid a deposit, scheduled vendors, etc., then he has picked a date.  If not, he hasn't.  You can pick any date you want.  Pick the date you want, don't pick a date because it is before his.  That's silly.

Obviously if you knowingly pick a date before theirs, you are going to piss them off.  If you knowingly pick a date right after theirs, you are probably going to piss them off.  Both couples might be a little worried that families won't come to both (justifiably so, imo). 

FI and I got engaged in Febuary 2012 after dating 2 years (we are in our 30s).....his sister got engaged the next month after dating her FI for maybe less than a year.  Our wedding is six months after theirs. This way hopefully it will be a little easier for relatives and such.  Originally we wanted a fall wedding, but we pushed it out a bit .... even though at our age we'd like to be married sooner.    

 

 

daveANDkristen

DH's sister was sort-of engaged (didn't call herself engaged because her BF hadn't asked yet, but already had a wedding date set...) before us, and got married 7 weeks after us.  I understand where kmm is coming from that two family weddings close together can be a strain on some people, but unless your brother and his FI actually have firm plans, I would move forward with yours.  Since you know they are considering June, set your date in July, maybe even later in the month, to allow some room for your brother and his FI to set an actual date.  Proceed with your planning as you normally would. 

I agree with PPs that you should not voice "deserving to get married before him".  People get married at all different ages and amounts of time dating depending on their relationship, goals, etc.  I understand that you feel that way because you are the older sibling, but I promise you this is not a mature way to look at the situation and would only come back to bite you.

hgminor

As a first born child, I understand your want to be married first, but that doesn't make it a real rule.  My mother was the middle child and got married before her older sister, and it was all fine.

As for setting a date, I think it depends on a few key factors: who is paying for your wedding and your brothers wedding and if your brother and his FI have actually booked a venue for their date.

I would actually talk to your parents about everything.  NOT about whether or not they are happy about his date, but how it would be for them if you two were that close together.  They may be okay with it, but it may also require you to make sacrifices.  Are these sacrifices you are willing to make?

Example- my parents always told me that my wedding would be a gift, much like KMM said above.  I have been with my FI for 7 years (6 1/2 before we were engaged), so they had started expecting the engagement long ago (we wanted to wait, much like you, until careers were on the right track).  This year my sister graduates high school and starts college in the fall.  When I spoke to my parents after we got engaged they told me they still wanted to host as before, but with my sister's college tuition things would have to be cut down if we wanted to get married this year.  To me, that is a fine sacrifice to make.  We are picking up part of the wedding to help out, because we want to be married more than we want a the more costly dream wedding.

MsYeck

My originally planned wedding ( canceled) was supposed to be 6 weeks before my brothers. Nobody cared that they where planned close together. As long as they are not the same day I say your good. I would however run or chosen date by VIP's before I booked.

nycrose2013

My thought is, while your brother has no "right" to his tentative date, there is no reason to go around annoying people when you don't need to. Being technically in the right doesn't mean people still won't hold a little grudge against you, and you have to determine how willing you are to deal with that. My BFF is getting married a couple weeks after me, and I was engaged for over a year at the time she got engaged, and yes, I was slightly annoyed. I didn't say anything of course, but I did wonder as to why she did that and make our (many) overlapping guests have 2 potentially expensive weddings right around each other.

If I were you, knowing your brother has had that date in mind for a while, I would just go for July instead. At least it gives your parents a slight breather, and you won't be "jumping" him. Just because he is younger than you and has waited a shorter period of time doesn't entitle you to go first.

jemmini6

The only reason to consider a close time frame is if you have family that will have to travel for your weddings.  In that case, it's considerate to plan more time in between due to travel expenses/vacation time.  If you don't have a lot of people travelling, then there's no need for it...you pick your date, your brother picks his.  

As PPs have stated, under NO circumstances, do you deserve to get married first because you're older or have been together longer, so please don't use that reasoning to your family when deciding this.

Good luck, and congrats on both of your engagements! 

winelover123

My FBIL is getting married 3 weeks after us. TBH, it has caused drama in the family (not from me or FI - we'll be getting back from our honeymoon just in time for their wedding so we don't care!) because there are people flying in. They aren't happy that the weddings aren't close enough together for them to make a vacation out of it and that they'll have to fly/drive to the same location twice in the same month. We had our date set with vendors booked first, so it was on FBIL and his FI to make it easier on their relatives. They chose not to.

So, yes, there can be issues when siblings get married that close together. If you have a lot of OOT guests, you should take it into account. It also doesn't sound like either of you have a date actually set with vendors booked, so my advice will be to plan as you'd like since there are only some potential plans here, just keep the lines of communication open. Also, no one "deserves" to be married first because of age (or any reason really).

Bubblegum5586

I have been with my Fi for 6 1/2 years when we were engaged and will be together almost 8 years when we get married, so I more then understand not wanting to wait an extra year!! I am also 26 (will be 27 at the wedding) and also understand while in the grand scheme of life it is still young.... but not really depending on when you want to start having kids and how many kids you want (and its always nice to enjoy a few years first just being married).

If they have been engaged for over a year and still do not have a dated picked, then its fair game.Do you happen to know if they started looking at venues or just throwing it out there they would like June 2014? I think you should be open and honest with him and your parents that you are activily looking at venues and will be picking a date soon. And that you wish to have as much time between them for everyone's sake but you are starting your planning now.

Don't wait till 2015!

beautiflaw

... I don't understand the problem. Are you worried that if you both have your weddings in the same month then their wedding will steal your thunder? That's pretty freaking selfish. Just make sure they aren't on exactly the same weekend and you should be fine. If you want to be the one married first so badly, talk to your brother's fiance and tell her you want to get married in June too. Shoot, it might be nice because you can both plan together and maybe it will bring you closer as a family. I don't see why this is a big deal.

Sjmiller418

You dont have any right to be the one married first which is the one thing I agree with from PPs. People on a board cant tell you what to do in this situation though there are so many factors that YOU and your brother need to discuss with your parents. Ask everyone for dinner and discuss all the details as a family to decide what will work best for everyone. Nothing is set in stone until deposits are put down but it would be causing drama for either of you to rush to do that just to beat the other person.

If you parents are helping out paying for both your weddings they get a huge say in whether or not they are willing to have two weddings the same year. And if they really dont want your brother to get married before finishing school then youll probably luck out and theyll tell him to wait or pull the funding but thats something for them to propose and decide to do not you. Even if your parents arent paying for either wedding think about the strain it will cause on all your guests and if relatives that are really important to both of you would be able to make it to two weddings so close to each other because chances are there will be some who wont be able to.

beautiflaw

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_potential-sibling-wedding-date-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69714c74-338c-4caa-a45d-af3aabeda3a1Post:041ed42d-8fef-48af-9ce0-db08204dcbb0">Re: Potential Sibling Wedding Date Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]2 of our girls got married 3 months apart in 2005.  I looked the OTHER two girls dead in the eye and said that crap won't happen again.  The 2 that got married were my 24 yo DD and 18 yo SDD.  SDD got secretly engaged at 17 with her mom's permission, they made wedding plans (dress, church, etc) and THEN told us because they knew we would't approve.  She is now divorced. My perspective - we host our girls weddings, it is a gift  We had budgeted for DD's wedding and SDD's hit us out of the blue.  We told her she could postpone so we could help her more or she could keep her date and we just wouldn't be able to help her as much as the oldest DD.  She chose to keep her date. We host our girls (except the SDD above) weddings as a gift.  I will not put out the kind of money we parted with for the  2 weddings in 2005.  Even helping SDD in a smaller capacity was a drain on the bank account.  I told the other 2 girls if you want help and you want us to host you can't get married within a year of your sister. As the stepmom, I got all the snarky remarks from Aunties and cousins about the expenses for travel and gifts for 2 weddings and 2 showers in 12 weeks.  They were legitimate complaints.  The family is fairly generous and would never treat one girl differently than any of the others.  It was NOT well received in the family.  SDD has no idea about any of that.  She would pop right on here and tell you "it was no problem for our family!!!" because she didn't hear that it was. When questions pop up about siblings getting married close to one another I get a little surprised at the answers that are posted.  Even if you aren't helping to pay for your kids' weddings, that is still 2 dresses, shower gifts,wedding gifts, etc in a short amount of time and that can be a burden for some families. Now, to the OP - yes, you do get one day and so does your brother.  You have NO entitlement to get married first.  I don't know if your parents intend on helping ot pay for the weddings but if they do. you both may have  to compromise. It's like anything else with weddings.  If the wedding sucks, people don't tell the B&G because they are polite about it.  Same goes for weddings that are close together.  Chances are if people feel burdened by them, they won't mention it to the happy couple.  Apparently, though, they won't hesitate to let the SMOB know exactly how they feel!
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]


You have a great point in regards to having to budget. Hopefully both couples will be able to work out budgets with their families if they are determined to get married within close proximity. I personally don't believe that people should get married unless they can afford to pay for it themselves, but other people feel differently which I understand. But the point about having to buy clothing and gifts is a valid point too. However, if it were my kids I'd wear the same dress to both weddings and probably spend less money on gifts so I can spend just as much at each one.

meowgan

Thank you for all of your honest feedback. I needed to some hear some unbiased opions and you all opened my eyes regarding having weddings close in dates that I needed to hear, so thank you again! I am COMPLETE worrywart, so I guess I was just having my first "oh my god I am engaged and I have an issue" so I ran to these boards for some opinions before fully thinking it out.

Also, what I wrote in my original post did not come out how I wanted it. I should not have even made that point as there is a lot of backstory to my reasonings, but basically between myself and family, we feel as though he is rushing his wedding. At the end of the day, I would not care if my younger brother is married before I am. AND I am not worried about him "stealing my thunder".


Anyways, thanks again. Congratulations everyone and good luck!

Amsdragonfly

I just wanted to comment good for you for waiting until you have your life in order to get married- me and FI are in exactly the same boat- our 8 year anniversary was in March this year and we are set to be married in October! Good luck to you and hope everything works out!