Flower girls not invited to reception?

ellabella81

My daughters were invited to be flower girls by the bride. We accepted and will be traveling (via plane and staying in a hotel) across a time zone to attend. We recently received the wedding invitations and it was clear that the flower girls are not invited to the reception. It is an afternoon wedding with the reception immediately following the ceremony at the same location. I double-checked with the bride and there are no areas for the children to be watched during the reception. I am not familiar with wedding etiquette. Is this common practice? I understand it is her preference and I don't want to pursue requesting an exception for the flower girls. I am just trying to get a feel for if this is common and courteous. Hoping you can help!

s-aries8990

Is there any way that you can decline them being the flower girls and attending all together? Common practice is to not invite any children EXCEPT the bridal party children if they exist, and any siblings of BP children.

What does she mean by "there are no areas for the children to be watched"? Aren't you (and your husband/partner/date if they exist) going to be watching your children?

She is being very rude, especially considering that you are purchasing outfits for your daughters to participate in the BP AND you are traveling a far distance to attend.

LiLe422

In Response to Re:Flower girls not invited to reception?:[QUOTE]That is really rude. The reception is a thank you to the guests of the ceremony. The fact that the girls aren't invited makes me think the bride is using them as props. What is yourrl relationship to the bride? Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Exactly. Sounds as if the girls are just being used to fill the position. So not cool.

freebread03

Your girls should one hundred percent be invited to the reception.  To NOT include them in the reception after their participation in the ceremony is, in my opinion, the equivalent of using them as props.  And what on earth do they expect you to do for the reception if they can't come/  they are essentially making it so you can't go either because you would need to leave with the girls.  Honestly, I'd decline the wedding altogether if they are not included (i.e. pull out).

STARMOON44

If you're close enough that she's comfortable asking you to fly in, you're close enough that you can say- we plan on watching them, the girls would be crushed not to be included in the whole day.  And see what she says.  I'd love to advise you not to go, but if your little ones already know about it that would be hard on them.  But I don't think you and your husband should stay at the reception without them.  And I wouldn't send a gift.

Summer2011Bride

It is extremely rude for her to not invite them to the reception. Even if she invites no other children, all WP members (which they are) should be invited. Anyone invited to the ceremony needs a reception invite.

Depending on your relationship with the bride, I would probably decline the whole thing and say, "I'm sorry but if my daughters aren't invited to the reception, we will not be coming at all." I might say this regardless of my relationship with the bride.

I mean, if you are traveling out of state and staying in a hotel, what does she expect YOU to do with the girls during the reception?

AdeleDazeem

I agree with the other posters, but I feel like saying "If the girls aren't invited to the reception then we can't come," doesn't get the bride to understand the situation.  The bride needs to realize that those IN the wedding are 100% invited to the reception no matter what other exceptions she wants to throw out. 

I'd say "So, you want my daughters in the wedding but you don't want them at the reception?  That's quite rude to do to people in the wedding party no matter their ages.  I would prefer my children not be props in your wedding and that they receive the same kind of treatment as other wedding party members."

lyndausvi

Ditto Joy

MsYeck

Oh hell no, if you have flower girls or ring bearers he are always invited to the reception. I am having an adult only reception, the only exceptions are the 2 flower girls and a ringbearer. They do not have to provide child are however, it is the responsibility of the person who brings them to watch them.

wrigleyville

If the invitation said something like "Adults Only Reception", then that's rude. If she put a note in there specifying the kids can't come to the reception, that's SUPER rude.

If you called to clarify and she said they aren't invited and there isn't any area for child care during the reception, that's rude too. What does she expect you to do with them? Leave them in the hotel with a babysitter you don't know?

I would decline and say that you not only have no one to watch the children while you are at the reception, but it's incredibly rude for her to expect you to pay for their dresses, plane tickets, and hotel stay just so they can be used as props for pictures and not even provided with a meal after the ceremony.

ellabella81

For clarification, the invite had a card inserted in it that said, "A note about your kids. We all love having kids around but we want everyone to be able to relax and have fun so book those babysitters and come celebrate with us!" That is why I doublechecked with the bride...I was confused since they are part of the wedding party. It feels uncomfortable to me since we are making a genuine effort to come and enjoy this wonderful moment in time with her yet she doesn't appear to be sensitive to what the children might experience. We don't live in her state so we don't have people we know well to babysit only family and of course they are at the wedding. If it was "no kids" all the way it would be easier but it is confusing for me to have them used in the ceremony and then sent away during the reception. I had hoped there was space nearby so my husband and I could take turns watching them during the reception but she says there is not. There is a shuttle from the event center to the hotel she suggested that they ride with some teenagers she knows but my girls are 4 and 5 so that makes me a little uncomfortable. Again...it is her big day and I completely understand that she can plan it however she wants. It just felt kinda weird and I wanted to seek some feedback from people who know weddings well... It is complicated because she is my sisterinlaw my girls are her nieces. She formally asked them to be her flower girls I didn't ask for it. I am wondering if my motherinlaw did which could explain her unusual behavior...

OliveOilsMom

So this is your husband's sister?  Then have him call her and say that the girls are either invited to the reception as well or you won't be able to attend period, since you won't be leaving your children with people you don't know. 

And if this were my sibling, I would specifically state how rude it is that the girls are being used as props only and cannot attend the fun part of the evening.  But not all siblings can speak to each other this way.

kmmssg

This is completely inappropriate.  I can understand a bride who wants a kid free wedding (I'm a big supporter of those myself) getting blindsided by the FMIL, but said bride also needs to have the backbone to say no kids.

So, now you have 2 little girls who are geeked to be FG's and they can't come to the reception?  Incredibly rude.  I would absolutely not leave them with someone I didn't know and I would be telling the B&G that you will be there for the ceremony but not the reception.  I would be pretty hot about this.  Especially since you have money invested in traveling.

Is the bride your DH's sister or the bride of his brother?

Amyzen83

Yea, bride's being rude and not very practical, you seem like a very kind and gracious woman, but your sister-in-law is waaaay out of line. If she wanted her wedding completely kid free, then she should not have flower girls!

Amyzen83

Also the cutsy little insert? Super rude, no matter how they worded it!

Anastasia517

If my sister or one of FI's sisters tried to pull this, one of us would be giving them a stern talking to and explaining what a gigantic breech of etiquette it is.

ellabella81

SIL is my husband's sister. And yes...the girls are super excited to be flower girls. I agree about kidfree events...they can be great. I hope every bride gets the wedding she imagines, whether that is with or without kids. I just wish it was one way or another. Thank you for hearing me and answering my questions. I really appreciate your feedback and information. It is hard to have a clear perspective when I am right in the middle of the situation. Thank you!

julibug86

Backing up PPs opinion that it is super rude.  My nephew is actually my ringbearer and we are having a kids-free reception (we really don't know many kids), but my nephew was still invited.  My sister is choosing to have him picked up by her in -laws after the ceremony so he won't be there.  But I never would've told her not to bring him!!!  I can't imagine that. 

FizzySips

Wow. I'm totally aghast. I think your FI needs to talk to his sister. There has got to be a way that this can work out.  Maybe MIL is driving a lot of this? Either way, its completely out of line for you to bear the expense of the girls being in her wedding and then also finding childcare for them during the reception. How is it that they're welcome at the ceremony (welcome to participate in the ceremony!) but then not welcome at the reception which is the thank-you from the B/G to the ceremony attendees?!? She's got some nerve.

Good luck. I'd rather discuss DOMA and Prop-8 with strangers at the RNC than have this conversation with your SIL.  

Amyzen83

Good luck. I'd rather discuss DOMA and Prop-8 with strangers at the RNC than have this conversation with your SIL.  

Lol!

I hope things get worked out and she can just realize her social blunder... If it doesn't work out, I'd personally pull the girls out of it, or just skip her reception all together. No girls? No you and husband.

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_flower-girls-not-invited-to-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:af73965d-2641-4663-859a-681f15a1fcbfPost:43c2eccf-7a5c-4ffb-a790-5d7f715e05ea">Flower girls not invited to reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]My daughters were invited to be flower girls by the bride. We accepted and will be traveling (via plane and staying in a hotel) across a time zone to attend. We recently received the wedding invitations and it was clear that the flower girls are not invited to the reception. It is an afternoon wedding with the reception immediately following the ceremony at the same location. I double-checked with the bride and there are no areas for the children to be watched during the reception. I am not familiar with wedding etiquette. Is this common practice? I understand it is her preference and I don't want to pursue requesting an exception for the flower girls. I am just trying to get a feel for if this is common and courteous. Hoping you can help!
Posted by ellabella81[/QUOTE]

WOW, how rude. You are traveling across country AND your children are int he wedding, but can't come to reception. Yep, I would skip that wedding if I were you. that's a diva move on her part

Etiquette says you must invite both to ceremony and reception