Unreliable Bridesmaid

kcostar4

Ok so I'm going to give as much background as possible so there is no confusion. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year now, and are not getting married for another year. When we first got engaged I immediately asked my bridesmaids to participate. One of these bridesmaids being a friend of mine for 6 years. She has always been the type to be late and flaky. Examples being when we would make plans for 6:30 pm I would know not to show up until 6:40 or later  because I knew she wouldn't be ready, and even showing up late I'd have to wait another 20-30 minutes for her. Another example is I had planned a Christmas party and she had offered to bring drinks and pizza, and an hour and a half into the party I finally decided to call her and she said "oh sorry, I forgot, I have a thing for my school and I can't make it" so I asked if she had planned to call and tell me she wasn't coming, and she dodged the question. The last straw was last weekend I invited all my bridesmaids to come and see my wedding dress I picked out before my dad paid for it, and to look at some bridesmaid dresses, and sure enough 30 minutes late I call her and she had "forgotten" the appointment started at 2 and asked if she could come at 4!!! Now I love her dearly and shes been a pretty good friend, but I am doing a lot of DIY stuff for my wedding and need someone who will show up at noon when they said they would show up at noon. I am very torn and hurt about what to do and was wondering what would be the best way to go about asking her to step down or step up and get with the program. 

lyndausvi

So you think just because you are getting married she is all the sudden going to stop being flaky and being late all the time?

Really?  Think about that.

rusngl2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:9638a132-22f5-4c3a-955d-03fe9857678d">Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so I'm going to give as much background as possible so there is no confusion. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year now, and are not getting married for another year. When we first got engaged I immediately asked my bridesmaids to participate. One of these bridesmaids being a friend of mine for 6 years. She has always been the type to be late and flaky. Examples being when we would make plans for 6:30 pm I would know not to show up until 6:40 or later  because I knew she wouldn't be ready, and even showing up late I'd have to wait another 20-30 minutes for her. Another example is I had planned a Christmas party and she had offered to bring drinks and pizza, and an hour and a half into the party I finally decided to call her and she said "oh sorry, I forgot, I have a thing for my school and I can't make it" so I asked if she had planned to call and tell me she wasn't coming, and she dodged the question. The last straw was last weekend I invited all my bridesmaids to come and see my wedding dress I picked out before my dad paid for it, and to look at some bridesmaid dresses, and sure enough 30 minutes late  I call her and she had "forgotten" the appointment started at 2 and asked if she could come at 4!!! Now I love her dearly and shes been a pretty good friend, but I am doing a lot of DIY stuff for my wedding and need someone who will show up at noon when they said they would show up at noon. I am very torn and hurt about what to do and <strong>was wondering what would be the best way to go about asking her to step down or step up and get with the program. </strong>
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

Oh sweetheart,
This posting is going to end badly for  you..

The short answer is there is no good way to do the bolded because there should be no "program" for her to get with.

There is no requirement for any of your bridemaids to go to any appointments or help you with DIY projects, regardless of what you may read in the bridal magazines. 
I'm sure several of the regs will chime in with the same info, and a few other helpful hints.
I apologize in advance for the sh!tstorm that is now brewing for you...

ETA: This is a friendship ending move BTW, so make sure you are over her as a friend before you publicly snub her in this manner

Brittywest05

She's not required to help you with any of you DIY things or any planning. All she has to do is show up, sober and wear a dress. You are asking too much of her, she has her own things going on.

misssunshine17

You, my darling, are acting like a bridezilla with what you've written in your post. 

You asked her (way too early, by the way) to be a bridesmaid because she is your friend, not because of the time management skills or because she can tie a hundred bows in an hour. 

TKzilla

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:9638a132-22f5-4c3a-955d-03fe9857678d">Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so I'm going to give as much background as possible so there is no confusion. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year now, and are not getting married for another year. When we first got engaged I immediately asked my bridesmaids to participate. One of these bridesmaids being a friend of mine for 6 years. She has always been the type to be late and flaky. Examples being when we would make plans for 6:30 pm I would know not to show up until 6:40 or later  because I knew she wouldn't be ready, and even showing up late I'd have to wait another 20-30 minutes for her. Another example is I had planned a Christmas party and she had offered to bring drinks and pizza, and an hour and a half into the party I finally decided to call her and she said "oh sorry, I forgot, I have a thing for my school and I can't make it" so I asked if she had planned to call and tell me she wasn't coming, and she dodged the question. The last straw was last weekend I invited all my bridesmaids to come and see my wedding dress I picked out before my dad paid for it, and to look at some bridesmaid dresses, and sure enough 30 minutes late I call her and she had "forgotten" the appointment started at 2 and asked if she could come at 4!!! Now I love her dearly and shes been a pretty good friend, but I am doing a lot of DIY stuff for my wedding and need someone who will show up at noon when they said they would show up at noon. I am very torn and hurt about what to do and was wondering what would be the best way to go about asking her to step down or step up and get with the program. 
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Okay. I'm going to try to break this down. Maybe next time you post, make paragraphs so it's easier to read please.</div><div>
</div><div>1. It wasn't a good idea to pick bridesmaids so far out. Unfortunately, now you've made that choice and you have to stand by it.</div><div>
</div><div>2. Your friend's behavior will not magically change for your wedding. If she was late and flaky before you were engaged, she will be late and flaky throughout the engagement.</div><div>
</div><div>3. People forget stuff all the time. Believe me, I'm a serial forgetter. Let this one slide.</div><div>
</div><div>4. I know it's really overwhelming to have a DIY wedding, but your bridesmaids are not there to help you with every task. The lists you see on the internet about "Bridesmaid's Duties" are not right. If your bridesmaid can't help you with your projects, it doesn't mean she isn't a good bridesmaid.</div><div>
</div><div>5. You can't ask anyone to "step down" unless you are prepared to end the friendship. It's just the reality of the situation. </div><div>
</div><div>I promise you, if she's been your friend for six years, she will be a good bridesmaid. Just adapt. Remember, it's NOT your day. It's a day for you, your fiance, and your friends and family.

</div>

monkeysip

Lynda is right.  A flaky person isn't going to become un-flaky just because it's your wedding.

She's always been flaky, and yet you love her anyway.  Great.  But now she's still flaky, and it's bothering you.  You can try and keep reminding her about things, but ultimately, there's nothing you can do.

The only thing she needs to do is get the dress and show up on time.  Remind her another time about ordering or finding her dress, and if she doesn't get it, then that's her deal.  But don't kick her out unless you want to end the friendship.

Viczaesar

Your bridesmaids are not labor for your wedding and you should not look at them as such.  The point of a bridesmaid is for YOU to honor HER, not for HER to help you plan YOUR wedding.  The only people whose responsibility it is to do DIY for your wedding are you and your FI.  If the two of you can't handle it, scale back your DIY plans or hire someone to help.  And don't expect people to change their fundamental nature for your wedding, because they won't.

QueerFemme

Ask your future husband to help you with DIY stuff. Your BMs aren't slave labor. Either figure out a way to do stuff yourself, or scale back your plans.

libby2483

I have a good friend who is often flaky, late, and bad with money.  But, she has been my friend since we were 7 years old and I love her and care about her.  I asked her to be a bridesmaid.  Her behavior did not change at all.  She was late for my bridal shower.  She was late for my bachelorette party.  She did not have enough money to buy her dress, and my mom had to purchase it for her. Was I surprised? Not in the slightest.  These are all things I knew about her personality before asking her to be a bridesmaid.  I didn't expect her to change who she is for my wedding.  I accepted that if I had her as a bridesmaid, I would need to deal with these things.  And I did, because I couldn't imagine her not standing by me on my wedding day.  Despite her flaws, she is one of the most important people in my life, and I'm very glad she was one of my bridesmaids.  

Don't expect your friend to change just because she's in your wedding.  You asked her to be a bridesmaid knowing that she had these traits.  If it is important for you to have her standing next to you on your wedding day, you'll need to deal with it.  In addition, it may be helpful for you to remember that her only "duty" is to purchase a dress and stand next to you on the wedding day.  You're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect bridesmaids to help with every DIY project you're undertaking.  

swimmy1988

DIY = do it yourself

If you really want to have DIY projects, you have to realize that you might be doing them by yourself. Nobody can force their bridal parties to do their wedding projects. It'd be awesome if they offered and showed up to do them anyway, but should not be expected.

AddieCake

OP, you make me sad.

MuppetFan

Holy moly. No etiquette crimes have been committed here, your expectations are wrong.

The only thing that your bridesmaid owes you is to stand beside you at your wedding. That's it. Nothing else! If she doesn't show up, she doesn't show up.

I'm surprised that after years of friendship, you haven't figured out how to work around her timing issues. I have a friend like this, we give her a timeframe that is much earlier than the one we give everyone else.

annmarie714

I always hope the "bad bridesmaid" finds these posts and reads them--that way they can have insight into what their nearest and dearest friends really think of them.  *eye roll*

kcostar4

I'm not expecting her to help me. But when I had initially asked her she had a ton of ideas and PROMISED to help. I would love to find a way around asking her to not participate anymore because she is a great friend and I would love for her to stand up there with me. But when she's sometimes on time and sometimes forgets it just feels like she doesn't care. And I really don't appreciate all of you telling me to do it MYSELF and that nothing wrong was done. When wed had an appointment to look at bridesmaid dresses. There are much nicer ways to say the things you guys said. And I do not want to remove her. I was mainly asking for advice on what to say to my friend about how it's not fair to me or the other bridesmaids if she doesn't have the time tell me so I'm not expecting her to show up.

kcostar4

And also. She's always been the kind to be late but never the kind to completely bail on plans, not until lately did she begin to do that.

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:ea950963-949b-4e50-8855-e7a2b133e7db">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not expecting her to help me. But when I had initially asked her she had a ton of ideas and PROMISED to help. I would love to find a way around asking her to not participate anymore because she is a great friend and I would love for her to stand up there with me. But when she's sometimes on time and sometimes forgets it just feels like she doesn't care. And I really don't appreciate all of you telling me to do it MYSELF and that nothing wrong was done. When wed had an appointment to look at bridesmaid dresses. There are much nicer ways to say the things you guys said. And I do not want to remove her. <strong>I was mainly asking for advice on what to say to my friend about how it's not fair to me or the other bridesmaids if she doesn't have the time tell me so I'm not expecting her to show up.</strong>
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, if she doesn't volunteer to help with anything, it's a pretty good indication that she doesn't have time.  I would wait for her to offer any additional help rather than asking her to help with things. If she is continually making and breaking plans, just ask her to please call in the future and let you know if she can't make something she previously committed to.</div>

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:ea950963-949b-4e50-8855-e7a2b133e7db">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE] And I really don't appreciate all of you telling me to do it MYSELF and that nothing wrong was done.
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

I doubt your friend will appreciate being told to step it up and get with the program or step down, either.<div>
</div><div>
</div>

kcostar4

To be honest. I'm pretty sure shed be relieved if I asked her to step down. As I am aware she is busy and probably feels stressed about one more thing in her life. And probably felt like she HAD to say yes when I asked her.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:ea950963-949b-4e50-8855-e7a2b133e7db">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not expecting her to help me. But when I had initially asked her she had a ton of ideas and PROMISED to help. I would love to find a way around asking her to not participate anymore because she is a great friend and I would love for her to stand up there with me. But when she's sometimes on time and sometimes forgets it just feels like she doesn't care. And I really don't appreciate all of you telling me to do it MYSELF and that nothing wrong was done. When wed had an appointment to look at bridesmaid dresses. There are much nicer ways to say the things you guys said. <strong>And I do not want to remove her. I was mainly asking for advice on what to say to my friend about how it's not fair to me or the other bridesmaids if she doesn't have the time tell me so I'm not expecting her to show up.</strong>
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]
Then you probably shouldn't have said " I am very torn and hurt about what to do and was wondering what would be the best way to go about asking her to step down or step up and get with the program." 

Look, what needs to change here is your expectations.  Expect her to show up at the wedding.  That's it.  You knew she was flakey. She doesn't have to do any more than that, so stop expecting her to, whether or not she says she will.  If she asks for information give it to her, but don't expect anything to come out of it.  Stop inviting her to things like looking at your dress.  Give her the parameters for her dress (style or color/length).  Expect her to get the dress on her own timeframe, and if she doesn't she's removed herself from the wedding.  DO NOT ask her if she wants to step down. 

glitterunicorn13

Ahhh, expectations often turn out to be pre-meditated disappointments, especially when the framework we are dealing with is flawed.  Honoring someone is understanding their flaws and loving them all the more...just a teensy little thought from this old girl.

hgminor

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:0a24db22-e60f-4957-ba88-0311d195e997">Re:Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest. I'm pretty sure shed be relieved if I asked her to step down. As I am aware she is busy and probably feels stressed about one more thing in her life. And probably felt like she HAD to say yes when I asked her.
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think it will at all help your friendship or her stress level if you ask her to step down.  I am very much like the person you are describing, and sometimes things at school (I move between three, so it's triple the calender) just pop up that I missed before.  It can happen to the best of us.  If you kick her out, you are adding disappointment and disapproval to her already hard load.  That won't make her feel better at all.</div><div>
</div><div>Trust that she will take care of her dress.  Trust that she will be there beside you on your wedding day, because that is the real point of being a BM.</div><div>
</div>

TKzilla

Man, I answered this question as nicely as I could.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:9638a132-22f5-4c3a-955d-03fe9857678d">Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE] I am doing a lot of DIY stuff for my wedding and need someone who will show up at noon when they said they would show up at noon. I am very torn and hurt about what to do and was wondering what would be the best way to go about asking her to step down or step up and get with the program. 
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

Ask the groom to help you or scale down your plans- there's a lot of stuff that people do for weddings that is not absolutely necessary.  Yes, it is crappy for people to volunteer and then flake out, but you've known for years that she doesn't always follow through so stop talking about wedding stuff with her and asking her for help.

There's no program for her to get with.  She just needs to get her dress in time for the wedding.  If she can't be bothered to go dress shopping, you and the rest of your attendants can make decisions without her.  It would be even easier if you just picked a designer and color and let everyone choose her own dress- you would save yourself and everyone else the hassle of a coordinated shopping trip and having to accommodate everyone's body type and preferences with one dress.  Either way, if she doesn't do what she needs to do to have a dress for the wedding day, she's essentially choosing to step down.

StPaul0102

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:0a24db22-e60f-4957-ba88-0311d195e997">Re:Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest. I'm pretty sure shed be relieved if I asked her to step down. As I am aware she is busy and probably feels stressed about one more thing in her life. And probably felt like she HAD to say yes when I asked her.
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

<div>If your friend is that stressed out maybe the best course of action is just to talk to her and see how you can help her... you know, as her friend. Being a bridesmaid <em>can </em>be stressful but it absolutely does not <em>have</em> to be (especially since your wedding is still a year away) so it should be pretty easy to make the process less of a chore for her. On behalf of all stressed out women, I beg you: please please do not add bad bridesmaid guilt to her already full plate.</div>

BostonGIrl4732

kerbohl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:0a24db22-e60f-4957-ba88-0311d195e997">Re:Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest. I<strong>'m pretty sure shed be relieved if I asked her to step down. As I am aware she is busy and probably feels stressed about one more thing in her life</strong>. And probably felt like she HAD to say yes when I asked her.
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

I'd trend very carefully with this - if she would be truly relieved to not be a bridesmaid, she should make that decision for herself.  If you do it, it might end up hurting her.  The fact that she has never bailed on plans before with you, like you said earlier, might mean that she has a lot going on, so maybe just meet up for coffee as a friend and see how she is doing.  If she actually wants to step down, she will do it herself.  You shouldn't have to worry about severing a friendship by making that decision for her. 

lyndausvi

I sometimes want to tell OPs like this to just kick her out.  The BM doesn't need someone like the OP as a friend anyway.   

Can anyone explain why some DYI brides like to take on a lot of projects assuming they will have the help, then get pissed when their assumptions are wrong?  I just don't get it.  I only had a few DYI projects because I knew that is all I could handle.

TKzilla

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:304ca94c-c5aa-416b-8a84-b029604a7aae">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I sometimes want to tell OPs like this to just kick her out.  The BM doesn't need someone like the OP as a friend anyway.    Can anyone explain why some DYI brides like to take on a lot of projects assuming they will have the help, then get pissed when their assumptions are wrong?  I just don't get it.  I only had a few DYI projects because I knew that is all I could handle.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>I have a lot of DIY projects. My mom and I are working on them together. So much wine involved. Not in the decorating, just in the "motivate me to get this sh!t done" way.</div>

kcostar4

My mom and fianc aren't creative at all. Which is why I wanted to do these things with my girls because they are creative. And they all offered to help and promised they would. And we're doing silk flower bouquets that were making ourselves and I thought it could be nice for everyone to make their own bouquet.

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:f5bb4cb9-c00d-4866-ac36-78bdfe4f8b00">Re:Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Unreliable Bridesmaid :
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

<div>I was trying to really figure WTF that reply had to do with much of anything, but your gif summed it up pretty darn well.</div>