Multiple ceremonies - HELP!!

sgaussoi

My fiance and I are having two ceremonies - one on August 15th at my home church and another on August 17 in a city two hours away.  All are invited to both ceremonies.  There will be a traditional reception after the August 17th wedding so we need RSVPs for that (which will include their entree selection).  We're having a small, informal reception after the church wedding on the 15th which we will send out an evite for closer to that date so we'll need an RSVP for that one as well.  How should we handle the invites?  One just for the 17th wedding with an insert for the one on the 15th?  What about the response card?  Try and fit it all on one?  I don't want our guests to be confused.  We explain it all on the website so we'll include the link as part of the invitation packet. 

wittykitty14

Just out of curiosity, why are you having two ceremonies and receptions that are only 2 hours apart from each other?

sgaussoi

We wanted to get married outside in Asheville, NC but I'm Catholic and in order for the Church to bless the wedding, we had to get married in an actual church.  We're doing the Thursday wedding in our hometown to satisfy the church and the Asheville wedding (two hours from where we live) which is more what we wanted from the beginning.  I know, kind of confusing!

itzMS

August 15th is a Thursday? So...I think you just need to keep that as a private ceremony.

I guess it's fine to have your party/reception on Saturday the 17th. Sort of. Maybe.

Don't have a second ceremony. You will already be married.

It's really confusing why you couldn't do a church ceremony and full reception on the same date, and that's it. Thousands of couples do it every single year, so it's not that tough.

ETA: After seeing your second post that you're Catholic. Yes, I get it. But getting married in the church is a Sacrament...so I hope you're joking a bit when you say you're doing things this way just to "satisfy" the church.

sgaussoi

Ouch.  Poor choice of wording I guess but as a cradle Catholic I'm fully aware that it's a Sacrament.  And without knowing my fiance and his family's background of organized religion it would be hard to understand why we're doing two ceremonies.  Asheville is not a big town yet many want to get married there.  The church was booked. 

itzMS

Bottom line, you get one wedding. Many couples have multicultural backgrounds and differ in religion, so your situation isn't really unique. We see it everyday here on TK.

Only invite guests (with the exception of immediate family) to the Saturday party/reception. Your Thursday ceremony should ideally be more private (less than 20 guests)

I think you'd get a lot of side-eyes from people. They will be side eying you for thinking you get two weddings if you invite everyone to everything when it differs in day and location.

I know it's tough criticism to hear, but life is about choices. You and FI chose a date and location where a church wasn't available...that's just how the cookie crumbles.

sgaussoi

The two ceremonies are partially  because some family can only go to the church one and some aren't comfortable going to the church ceremony.  The second ceremony is more of a symbolic one since yes, we will already be married after the first one.  We don't want to take away from the first wedding by only inviting a few people since this is the true wedding. 

kmbryant2413

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_multiple-ceremonies-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:763a12d8-ecb8-47b3-92ff-e78f941c34ccPost:55edb3bb-aad1-4496-a658-11c1d1661abb">Re: Multiple ceremonies - HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]The two ceremonies are partially  because some family can only go to the church one and some aren't comfortable going to the church ceremony.  The second ceremony is more of a symbolic one since yes, we will already be married after the first one.  We don't want to take away from the first wedding by only inviting a few people since this is the true wedding. 
Posted by sgaussoi[/QUOTE]
..What?<div>
</div><div>If those people are not comfortable in a church, then they can not come. Having a ceremony after you are already wed is fraud, and it shows that you don't truly think that your first ceremony was the binding one. And for it to be two hours away because that's 'more what you wanted in the first place'? Do you not hear how ridiculous your post sounds? 'true weddings', 'second ceremony' 'symbolic ceremony' 'legal ceremony'. My head is spinning.</div><div>
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misshart00

I'm so confused. Why not just have a big party on Saturday? For the people who are uncomfortable going to the church, having a fake dress up day is not going to appease them since you'll already be married. Edit: and if you don't want the catholic ceremony, why are you having it? There are a lot of people here that took being married in the church very seriously, so doing it just to fulfill some requirement is lame and offensive.

sgaussoi

I never said I didn't want the Catholic ceremony.  I'm just trying to include my fiance who is not Catholic.  We've done everything the Church has asked of us and if being married in the church wasn't important to me, we would only be having the outdoor ceremony.  The true wedding is in the church. 

sgaussoi

P.S. I only asked how to word the invitation.  Not a total bashing of what we're doing.  I would have thought fellow brides would be more respecful of different ideas. 

misshart00

In Response to Re:Multiple ceremonies HELP!!:[QUOTE]I never said I didn't want the Catholic ceremony.nbsp; I'm just trying to include my fiance who is not Catholic.nbsp; We've done everything the Church has asked of us and if being married in the church wasn't important to me, we would only be having the outdoor ceremony.nbsp; The true wedding is in the church.nbsp; Posted by sgaussoi[/QUOTE] Then why even have the second ceremony? Getting married is about making choices and compromising with each other. You don't both get your dream wedding.

Also, you said you're having the 2nd ceremony to include your fiance.  Your fiance is included in the Catholic ceremony since he's there and the one getting married.

BostonGIrl4732

Catholic here and this is how I feel about using Catholism as a way to justify being rude:

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_multiple-ceremonies-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:763a12d8-ecb8-47b3-92ff-e78f941c34ccPost:497d5bd2-4e54-4226-86fa-290879884e43">Re: Multiple ceremonies - HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]P.S. I only asked how to word the invitation.  Not a total bashing of what we're doing.  I would have thought fellow brides would be more respecful of different ideas. 
Posted by sgaussoi[/QUOTE]

No one bashed you.

If your idea is not correct from an etiquette standpoint, you aren't going to be encouraged here to go about that idea.

Have a party on Saturday by all means!!!! It's just that having a second "fake" ceremony is totally disrespectful to your Catholic vows.

AddieCake

I don't get having the 2nd outdoor ceremony just b/c some people don't want to go to the church. Too bad for them. Why should you have to cater to other people like that?  

libby2483

There is no way to word this because it is not possible to have two ceremonies.  That's all of the energy I can devote to this right now.

sgaussoi

We've told people about both weddings and most are making travel plans for the second one. 

FizzySips

I think the OP is frustrated that we don't understand that ITS HER SPECIAL DAY and she's going to drag it out over multiple days if she wants to!

When does the foot stomping begin?

(end sarcasm)

ohmrs2014

I am Catholic and FI isn't.  Before we changed our minds about getting married in a Church, FIs family was very supportive and said that if it was what we wanted, then they would support us and attend the ceremony.  And we wouldn't have had the full mass, it can't be because FI isn't baptised.  

I'm sorry, but using the whole FI isn't Catholic as a reason to have a second ceremony bothers me.  Do you know for sure that FIs family won't attend the Church ceremony?  I feel like they would because its their son and relative. 

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_multiple-ceremonies-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:763a12d8-ecb8-47b3-92ff-e78f941c34ccPost:eb2ddecd-9675-4e5c-8ff5-eefeb57a8a52">Re: Multiple ceremonies - HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>We've told people about both weddings</strong> and most are making travel plans for the second one. 
Posted by sgaussoi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think you're missing the point.  You only have ONE wedding.  In your case, it would be on Thursday in the church.  Do you plan on reenacting a ceremony on Saturday?   That is horribly wrong.  Just have a big party on Saturday.

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kerbohl

Since you've already told people about both ceremonies, this ship has sort of sailed, but two things worry me about what you've said OP. 

First, that some guests weren't comfortable going to a wedding in a Catholic church.  Did they put their comfort over their love for you?  Or is it due to different religions (ex Jehovah witnesses who I believe don't step foot in another place of worship)?  If that is the case, I do understand, but I wouldn't have a separate ceremony just for them.

And secondly, what is happening with your Catholism after the wedding?  If the non-Catholic ceremony is to accomodate your FI, what else are you going to do with your religion in your married life to accomodate him?  Is he becoming Catholic, or are you becoming his religion/non-religion?  My SIL is Catholic and it was important for her to have a Catholic wedding, so my brother had a Catholic ceremony for her and did not have a separate one in his church.  And he is now participating in the Catholic church for her.  Just the way that you are compromising for your guests and FI raise some red flags that I hope that you have addressed or will address. 

sgaussoi

When given the choice between the church wedding and the outdoor wedding, some are choosing the latter out of comfort - both on my side and his.  We don't want to exclude them from the first one although they have already expressed they're going to the second.  To me that's like not sending an invite to someone who told you they can't come to the wedding. 

After the wedding, my Catholicsm is staying the same.  I will continue to attend church (which my FI currently attends with me every once in awhile) and will raise our kids Catholic which he is fine with.  He is currently reading a book about Catholicsm so when our kids asks questions, he isn't always saying go ask your mother.  I don't expect him to convert.  That's his decision and am fine if he doesn't. 

The ship has definitely sailed on not having two weddings.  We've discussed it with both our friends and family (who were the ones who gave us the idea in the first place so I doubt any side eyes will be coming from them), sent out the wedding website with all the information, and put down deposits. 

banana468

In Response to Re:Multiple ceremonies HELP!!:[QUOTE]When given the choice between the church wedding and the outdoor wedding, some are choosing the latter out of comfort both on my side and his.nbsp; We don't want to exclude them from the first one although they have already expressed they're going to the second.nbsp; To me that's like not sending an invite to someone who told you they can't come to the wedding.nbsp; After the wedding, my Catholicsm is staying the same.nbsp; I will continue to attend church which my FI currently attends with me every once in awhile and will raise our kids Catholic which he is fine with.nbsp; He is currently reading a book about Catholicsm so when our kids asks questions, he isn't always saying go ask your mother.nbsp; I don't expect him to convert.nbsp; That's his decision and am fine if he doesn't.nbsp; The ship has definitely sailed on not having two weddings.nbsp; We've discussed it with both our friends and family who were the ones who gave us the idea in the first place so I doubt any side eyes will be coming from them, sent out the wedding website with all the information, and put down deposits.nbsp; Posted by sgaussoi[/QUOTE]

Unless you plan a quickie divorce on Friday, the ship definitely HAS sailed on two weddings.

Instead, treat the Saturday event as a quick blessing and a party. It isn't a second wedding so it shouldn't be treated that way.

People may not say anything to your face but they'll probably still talk about it. As a Catholic, I'd wonder what wasn't good enough about your legal and spiritual exchange of vows that you felt the need for a secular event days later.

kerbohl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_multiple-ceremonies-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:763a12d8-ecb8-47b3-92ff-e78f941c34ccPost:00fdb301-32a2-41e7-b314-65adbb3d316a">Re: Multiple ceremonies - HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]When given the choice between the church wedding and the outdoor wedding, some are choosing the latter out of comfort - both on my side and his.  We don't want to exclude them from the first one although they have already expressed they're going to the second.  To me that's like not sending an invite to someone who told you they can't come to the wedding.  After the wedding, my Catholicsm is staying the same.  I will continue to attend church (which my FI currently attends with me every once in awhile) and will raise our kids Catholic which he is fine with.  He is currently reading a book about Catholicsm so when our kids asks questions, he isn't always saying go ask your mother.  I don't expect him to convert.  That's his decision and am fine if he doesn't.  The ship has definitely sailed on not having two weddings.  We've discussed it with both our friends and family (who were the ones who gave us the idea in the first place so I doubt any side eyes will be coming from them), sent out the wedding website with all the information, and put down deposits. 
Posted by sgaussoi[/QUOTE]

Thanks - that clears things up a bit for me.  It sounded like you were having the Catholic ceremony because FI wasn't willing to compromise, which obviously isn't the case.  I like what the PP above me just said - have the Saturday be a blessing with the real ceremony on the Thursday, and then reception afterwards. 

kerbohl

And then . . . sorry didn't finish my thought . . .  you might have to have separate invites for people, because IMO if you have all that information on one invite, it is going to get very confusing very fast.  I don't know how your guest list is shaping up, but for the Thursday evening, if it is mostly family you can send out a separate invite to that, but then have the main invites be to your Saturday festivities.  Do you really even need RSVPs for the Thursday if it is just an "informal" reception?  My parents went to one of those, and they just showed up (as in they didn't need to RSVP) - it was a simple soup and buns kind of reception.  As long as you sort of know a ballpark figure for how many are coming, you might not need exact numbers.