How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?

SBmini

31 days from the engagement. That's how long it took. I'm having an intercultural wedding and I want to represent both cultures. I invite my fiance's family to look at venues with my family, so they can get to know each other better, and my mom has an absolutely first-class beauty-queen melt down. She doesn't want them involved because they aren't paying.

This is so agrivating I don't know what to do. I want his family's input. I NEED their input, because I can't add the Armenian influence without them. My fiance is the first person in his family to marry outside his ethnic group and I think I owe it to his family to show that I respect their culutre and their tradition. Now my mom is being so ridiculous that my fiance is suggesting we take a loan out to pay for the wedding because he's, "too proud to be bought."

I just need to vent because this is so ridiculous. She claims that she's just trying to protect me from getting a wedding I don't want, but at the same time, she's demanding a wedding I don't want. My sister says this is exactly why she's planning on eloping. My mom is incredibly fragile and I'm afraid that this is going to drive her crazy. I'm planning on telling her that I love her and I need her to stop worrying. That the budget will be respected and she needs to let me have my day- and if that means that his sister gets a say in who caters the reception, it means that his sister has a say in who caters the reception.

annmarie714

Who's paying?  Sounds like your mom is.  Unfortunately, with money comes strings.  Either foot the bill yourself (avoid a loan...really.) or do what your mom wants since she's paying.

SBmini

In Response to Re: How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE]Who's paying?  Sounds like your mom is.  Unfortunately, with money comes strings.  Either foot the bill yourself (avoid a loan...really.) or do what your mom wants since she's paying.
Posted by annmarie714[/QUOTE]

The problem is that my mom wants me to get what I want... but by wanting that, she's preventing me from getting what hi want. She thinks she's protecting me, but in reality she's making me walk on eggshells. 

SlothGoals

In Response to Re: How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy? : The problem is that my mom wants me to get what I want... but by wanting that, she's preventing me from getting what hi want. She thinks she's protecting me, but in reality she's making me walk on eggshells. 
Posted by SBmini[/QUOTE]

Then sit down withher and have a conversation about what you and your FI want for the wedding (it sounds like she might need to be reminded that there are 2 people getting married, not just you). Let her know in no uncertain terms that you and your FI want some Armenian influences to show and that if that's not something she is comfortable with you will no longer need her money.

kmmssg

Just a little MOB input here.

Let me start out by saying it is really nice of you to include your FI's family in planning.  Doesn't your FI know what is needed to include his customs?

We pay for the lion's share of our daughters' weddings.  If they want to include the FIL's great, but the line I draw is when it comes to the financial dealings.  I am VERY private about money.  I would not be comfortable discussing prices, arrangements, what I am paying for something around a crowd.  That is my business.  In turn, I don't want to be privy to what the FIL's might decide to pay for.  When I am spending major amounts of money, I will negotiate privately, not in front of my DD's FIL's.  Try to be mindful that you don't put your parents in a position where they are making financial decisions in front of FI's family.  It would be pretty awkard to be standing in a venue with a crowd, have it be beautiful and "perfect" for the family traditions, and have to tell your DD and her FI "sorry, this one just is out of the budget."

You can still visit things together and get their input, just be mindful of the position you put your parents in when in this company.

When our last DD got married we started looking at venues.  It was important to her FI to get his parents' feedback even though DH and I were paying for it.  Our thought on that is that if it is important to our DD and/or her FI, it is important to us too.  We toured venues together but there were NO money discussions at those times.  Her FI got his parents' feedback and the kids decided which venue they wanted.

As far as your  mom trying to protect you?  I get it, but she is being short-sighted.  She should be protecting the vision you AND FI have for your wedding.  She is trying to make sure her little girl has the dream wedding day SHE (being you) has been dreaming of.  I get it.

Take her out to lunch, tell her how much you appreciate her efforts and willingness to pay.  Tell her what your vision is for your wedding and ask her to help you make that happen.  I seriously think she just needs a little "refocusing" here.  You don't need to go all "keep your money" on her.  (at least not yet).  Take her to lunch.  I'll bet you get this ironed out pretty quickly.

zitiqueen

In Response to How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE] My mom is incredibly fragile and I'm afraid that this is going to drive her crazy. Posted by SBmini[/QUOTE]

Elaborate, please. Does this mean whenever she doesn't get her way she throws a temper tantrum until she does get her way?

lyndausvi

In Response to How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE]31 days from the engagement. That's how long it took. I'm having an intercultural wedding and I want to represent both cultures. I invite my fiance's family to look at venues with my family, so they can get to know each other better, and my mom has an absolutely first-class beauty-queen melt down. She doesn't want them involved because they aren't paying. This is so agrivating I don't know what to do. I want his family's input. I NEED their input, because I can't add the Armenian influence without them. My fiance is the first person in his family to marry outside his ethnic group and I think I owe it to his family to show that I respect their culutre and their tradition. Now my mom is being so ridiculous that my fiance is suggesting we take a loan out to pay for the wedding because he's, "too proud to be bought." I just need to vent because this is so ridiculous. She claims that she's just trying to protect me from getting a wedding I don't want, but at the same time, she's demanding a wedding I don't want. My sister says this is exactly why she's planning on eloping. My mom is incredibly fragile and I'm afraid that this is going to drive her crazy. I'm planning on telling her that I love her and I need her to stop worrying. That the budget will be respected and she needs to let me have my day- and if that means that his sister gets a say in who caters the reception, it means that his sister has a say in who caters the reception.
Posted by SBmini[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but I think you are being a little unrealistic to think that his sister should have an input on who caterers a wedding your mother is paying for.  That would NOT got over well in my family at all.

Fact is some parents are like mine (and it seems maybe like kmmssg).  They do not gift you money for a wedding.  They offer to host a party in your honor. Just like a host of a bridal shower as the say in the caterer, guest list, etc.   So does someone who offers to throw you a wedding.  

Now I think your heart is in the right place.  However, it's only been 31 days.   Unknowingly you might be communicating so much about giving your FI's family the type of wedding they are accustom to that it's coming across to your mom that it's all about them.    Your mom might be feeling like a bank and not a mom hosting a wedding in her daugther's and FSIL's honor.  She might be feeling like you seem to respect his side more than your own.   

For example,  catering is most of the wedding  budget and you are basically telling her she has to let someone who is not paying have a say on how she is spending her money.  That is not fair and quite frankly I do not think you would like it if someone told you a 3rd party has a say on how you spend your money.

There are ways to respect your mom paying and honor your FI's side of the family.   Just be smart about they way you present things.   Let her know it's not all about FI's side. Which might be the impression she is getting even if you don't mean it to be.   There is always room for compromise.  How you present things is key.  

 If you want to pay for the wedding yourself, go ahead. Just don't get a loan.  That is just plain stupid.  But I think there is a way to get what you want, you just need to know how to commuticate better with her.  Make her feel not like a money tree.

winelover123

I don't understand why the sister gets a say in the caterering when she isn't paying for it. I think there's a little ridiculousness on both parts. If your mom is paying, then she does get a say. It's nice to get your FILs input - maybe ask them for suggestions on vendors and then go talk to them with your mom so that the in-laws are still included but your mom is also still included. It's totally fine to want to respect your FIL's culture, but it really does sound like (from the sister and the caterering example) you're giving control to them and your mom is a bank. I can see how your mom would be concerned - she thinks you aren't getting the wedding of your dreams. Compromise on both sides is key. I ditto kmmssg's advice on taking your mom out to lunch and talking about it before refusing her money.

SBmini

In Response to Re:How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE]Do not take out a loan for your wedding. A party is a very silly reason to start your marriage in debt. Sit your mom down and talk to her about what you and your FI want for the wedding. Hopefully, she'll understand, but you do need to realize that if she is paying, you need to run stuff like inviting others to appointments by her before you do it. If she refuses to let you include your inlaws, then postpone the wedding until you two can save up the money to pay for it yourself, or plan a simple wedding that you can afford now.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I did run it by her. When I brought up my idea for the weekend she didn't say anything. But now that everyone is coming, she has a problem with it. If she didn't like the idea she should have told me two weeks ago before conversations were had with my fiance's family.

lyndausvi

In Response to Re:How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy? : I did run it by her. When I brought up my idea for the weekend she didn't say anything. But now that everyone is coming, she has a problem with it. If she didn't like the idea she should have told me two weeks ago before conversations were had with my fiance's family.
Posted by SBmini[/QUOTE]

Some people take information.  Go home, sleep it and realize that they are not happy with something they agreed on.   It's human nature.           

Since they are already invited make a plan not to discuss money around them. Also make sure you respect it's your mom's money.  I would not be favoring the IL's on how they like things.  Make your mom feel like it's her opinon that matters more.

SBmini

1. I want his sister's opinion because she's helped with many Armenian weddings in the area and she knows who does the food right. I don't want her to chose anything, I just want some recommendations. I think that's fair. 

2. My mom doesn't communicate. She had this idea in her head of what everything was going to be like, but she didn't tell me. So when my idea differed from hers she got really upset and tried to get off the phone instead of talking about it. She imagines everything that can go wrong in every situation and internalizes it until everything is one step away from absolute desaster. Point in case, I tell her I want to get married outside. About two weeks later she tells me she's worried someone is going to fall and break their ankle on dirt and that maybe I should get married inside. 

3. My fiance doesn't know anything about vendors and that's where I really need help.

4. I've already put off the wedding to finnish college and buy a house. We've been together for 10 years. I'd rather run off to Vegas than wait longer. I want to move on in my life. I want to be able to start a family. That has been on hold until we get married. Eloping would hurt my mom even more, But it's starting to feel like I'm planning her wedding, not mine.

5. I have my budget from her and I've already told her that I think it's too high. We're aiming for a final cost that's about 70% of what she wants to spend. So I don't think it's about money- it's about his family getting close to me and the bigger saddness of us not being close. My fiance and I moved to another state two years ago so I'm planning the wedding remotely. 

I've never had a very good relationship with my mom and I think she's refecting on all of that now. If she just talked to me, all of this would be a lot better. It's incredibly hard to keep her happy when she nods and says something sounds nice one day and then starts crying the next because I'm doing something different than how she wants it. 

SBmini

In Response to Re:How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy? : Some people take information.  Go home, sleep it and realize that they are not happy with something they agreed on.   It's human nature.            Since they are already invited make a plan not to discuss money around them. Also make sure you respect it's your mom's money.  I would not be favoring the IL's on how they like things.  Make your mom feel like it's her opinon that matters more.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

They've been asked to keep all criticism to themselves and tell us later if they have strong feelings about anything. 

s-aries8990

In Response to Re: How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE] I've never had a very good relationship with my mom and I think she's refecting on all of that now. If she just talked to me, all of this would be a lot better. It's incredibly hard to keep her happy when she nods and says something sounds nice one day and then starts crying the next because I'm doing something different than how she wants it. 
Posted by SBmini[/QUOTE]

Maybe you two should go get some counseling. You obviously have issues that you need to work out. A few sessions may help you to communicate better.

SBmini

I realize now what the mistake was I made. I should have asked her how she invisioned things happening and what roles she thought people had instead of making assumptions. 

s-aries8990

In Response to Re: How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE]I realize now what the mistake was I made. I should have asked her how she invisioned things happening and what roles she thought people had instead of making assumptions. 
Posted by SBmini[/QUOTE]

Good! Not that youwere wrong, per se, but she isn't wrong either. I think that beause she is hosting your wedding, she does get final say in most cases, BUT you need to start an open line of communication with her today. Like call her tonight and go out for a drink or coffee or whatever. Bring a notebook and figure stuff out. What does she want, what do you want, and what are each of your non-negotiables? Once those are on the table, compromises will most likely easier to make because they're already sort-of planned out.

You want to generously honor your FI's heritage; explain to her that it's important to you and that you think it should show through in points x,y, and z. Let her know where FI's family will be involved (like food), but let her know in plenty of time for her to realize it.

Tell her what you want and tell her early enough that she has  few days to process it - if you know it takes her a few days, and ALWAYS takes her a few days, you really shouldn't expect the immediate answer to be the final one because you should know better.

Good luck!

jemmini6

It sounds like you need to have a major talk with your mom about what you want for your wedding vs. what she thinks you should have.  

However, in the end, remember that accepting her money means accepting her strings.  If you two can't come to a compromise, then you need to decline her money and plan a wedding that you and your FI can afford yourselves.  It sucks that it could come down to it, but that's life.  

PrettyGirlLost

In Response to How long did it take for your mom to drive you crazy?:
[QUOTE]31 days from the engagement. That's how long it took. I'm having an intercultural wedding and I want to represent both cultures. I invite my fiance's family to look at venues with my family, so they can get to know each other better, and my mom has an absolutely first-class beauty-queen melt down. She doesn't want them involved because they aren't paying.

This is so agrivating I don't know what to do. I want his family's input. I NEED their input, because I can't add the Armenian influence without them. My fiance is the first person in his family to marry outside his ethnic group and I think I owe it to his family to show that I respect their culutre and their tradition. Now my mom is being so ridiculous that my fiance is suggesting we take a loan out to pay for the wedding because he's, "too proud to be bought."

 I just need to vent because this is so ridiculous. She claims that she's just trying to protect me from getting a wedding I don't want, but at the same time, she's demanding a wedding I don't want. My sister says this is exactly why she's planning on eloping. My mom is incredibly fragile and I'm afraid that this is going to drive her crazy. I'm planning on telling her that I love her and I need her to stop worrying. That the budget will be respected and she needs to let me have my day- and if that means that his sister gets a say in who caters the reception, it means that his sister has a say in who caters the reception.
Posted by SBmini[/QUOTE]

Well that sounds a tad entitled and arrogant!

I think it's great you want to include some of your FI's Armenian food and tradtions in your wedding, but you don't need his family to be present at every venue or vendor meeting to do that, especially if it causes friction with your own mother, who is paying for the wedding.

Have his sister give you and your mom a list of caterers that make Armenian food, but she doesn't need to be present when you meet with them.

You and your FI should sit down with his parents and discuss their wedding customs, and then you and your FI will have that info with you (either mentally or in writing) when you meet with the vendors.

Since your FI is Armenian, shouldn't he have an idea what his food and customs are, anyways?

CALEO

About the same amount of time.  She's been horrible.  Gah.

You have my sympathies.

MsYeck

If eloping would really make her upset maybe the shear mention of it as a likely possibility will get her more onboard with what you want.

SBmini

Update:

I wish I could say things are getting better, but they aren't. If you forgive me, I need to vent a little bit after a very emotional weekend.

The weekend started off great with successful dress shopping, but turned south when we started to look at venues. I shared everything with her, tried many times to talk to her, but when we went to look at venues it was still just an awful experience. She was fine when we were looking, but afterwards.... she latched on to one venue that we decided we didn't want and used it to attack me and my ideas to try and get me to chose the place that she wanted, which is about 10,000 over her own budget. 

It didn't matter that the venue she was attacking was out and that everyone agreed with her on the reasons why. She told me that she refused to let me wear my 2,000 dollar dress ( It only took her about 48 hours to hold the dress purchase over my head even though it was within budget.) that she just bought to that dirty place and that if I wanted to get married somewhere that was "like camping" that she wouldn't pay for the wedding.

Mind you this was a very clean nature center with about a 100 yard well maintained dirt path to the ceremony site that she was attacking. People get married there all the time. 

So I told her I'd cancel the dress order right then and there if she didn't want me to wear it, but that she'd have those feelings regardless of which dress I chose. I then reminded her that when we first got engaged she told me that she was not going to be the mom who forces her opinion on the bride and that this was exactly what she was doing. This definitely helped to calm her down and get her back on our team.

She keeps fixating on everything that may go wrong with any venue that she's not acknowledging that these same things can happen anywhere, like rain or people tripping. And she keeps comparing the outdoor venues I'm looking at to one of my cousin's receptions that was absolutely awful when a last-minute issue kept us from going to the reception site she chose we were sequestered to a dusty picnic area that was not what my cousin originally reserved. It's also besides the point as nothing we are looking at is remotely like her venue. And it isn't even fair for her to compare because my cousin paid for her wedding and it was a very inexpensive event and was all that she could afford. If she keeps it up, though, that may be the type of wedding we have as it will be what my fiance and myself can afford. She should be thinking about it in that context.

I'm staying firm on what I want while trying to accommodate her as much as possible. At the end of the day, I want her to remember that it is MY wedding and not hers. I want her to remember that SHE got married outdoors in a little gazebo and everything went great. And I want her to remember that of my 12 cousins who got married before me, only one had a bad wedding. If she continues to use the fact that my parents paying for about 80% of the wedding to get her way then I'll threaten to elope in Zion National Park- which is where I want to get married in the first place and hopefully bring her back to being with me instead of against me on planning.

I'm praying that venue is the last big battle. I'm really hoping that other elements don't cause alarm because I can't do this again for catering and again for dj and again for flowers. My fiance and I are actively saving to pay for things that she causes fits over so that we can ensure that we get what we want. But this is not the experience I was expecting and this marriage better work because I never want to deal with this again.

MuppetFan

My fiance and I are actively saving to pay for things that she causes fits over so that we can ensure that we get what we want. But this is not the experience I was expecting and this marriage better work because I never want to deal with this again.

This comment concerns me the most.  As a divorced member, I take comments like these seriously. You need to make sure that this is the right marriage for you before taking another step. How you deal with these challenges will set up how you deal with issues through your marriage. Work together and support each other on your decisions. Do it right from the beginning.

Second, if this is 31 days in, how far away is the wedding supposed to be?

If I were you, I would stop planning with your parents for a while, go research things for yourselves, work with future in laws to find the customs you want to incorporate, get a vision for your wedding and then bring your parents back into it and bring them to the venue you are interested in.

Stop telling them things that are going to upset them (like the involvement of your inlaws).

And..... If you don't want them to have anything to hold over your head, seriously start thinking about planning a wedding that you can afford by yourselves, even if that means making for a longer engagement,

suzie211

My mother was crazy -1 days into my engagement.  FI proposed when he got home from work on a Friday evening. When I called my mother to tell her, she told me she knew and was so happy for us that she was on her way back from looking at a venue for us.  She had pictures for me and was convinced it was in my budget.

Mind you, that would be fine is my parents were paying.  They're not.  FI and I are footing the entire bill.  So she was already going BSC trying to plan a wedding spending my money.  He and I had been engaged all of 10 minutes and hadn't even come close to determining a budget.

The PP's are right that your mother has a lot of say.   If she's going to be unreasonable and will not negotiate to terms you are both comfortable with, you will need to walk away from her gift.  Then plan the wedding you want within your budget alone.

SBmini

MuppetFan said:

My fiance and I are actively saving to pay for things that she causes fits over so that we can ensure that we get what we want. But this is not the experience I was expecting and this marriage better work because I never want to deal with this again.

This comment concerns me the most.  As a divorced member, I take comments like these seriously. You need to make sure that this is the right marriage for you before taking another step. How you deal with these challenges will set up how you deal with issues through your marriage. Work together and support each other on your decisions. Do it right from the beginning.

Second, if this is 31 days in, how far away is the wedding supposed to be?

If I were you, I would stop planning with your parents for a while, go research things for yourselves, work with future in laws to find the customs you want to incorporate, get a vision for your wedding and then bring your parents back into it and bring them to the venue you are interested in.

Stop telling them things that are going to upset them (like the involvement of your inlaws).

And..... If you don't want them to have anything to hold over your head, seriously start thinking about planning a wedding that you can afford by yourselves, even if that means making for a longer engagement,

I was joking of course. I've been with my fiance for ten years. He's absolutely the right guy if my mom doesn't scare him off.

[Deleted User]

Fifteen minutes.

I love my mom more than anything, but we are both neurotic.  And for some reason, I have been super laid back about planning. She has not! She texted me 11 months before the wedding about napkin colors. 15 times. But I still love her and I know she just wants it to be perfect. I'm letting her take the lead on some things like cake.  I don't really like cake.

MuppetFan

SBmini said:

I was joking of course. I've been with my fiance for ten years. He's absolutely the right guy if my mom doesn't scare him off.

OK cool! I couldn't tell. 

codert

less that 2 weeks for me :P