Help :(

kmbryant2413

I know I've never posted here before, but I'm unsure where to even begin, and I'm hoping ya'll have some time to spare for me .

I have been thin my whole life, first by genes and then by choice. I have been admitted to the hospital twice from anorexia, and that was about 7-8 years ago. I finally, for the most part, feel 'recovered'. Well, with that recovery comes weight gain, obviously. I have also always been active in dance, and usually had a job where movement was constant (barista, waitress, bartender), so once I reached a healthy weight I just sort of..stayed there.

I am a healthy weight, but losing 5 pounds keeps me in a healthy weight also. I am 5"6, and for my adult life have averaged 120-125 lbs. Well, in the past 3 or 4 months, I have gone up to 132-133, and that is where I currently sit. I stopped smoking in January, and have taken a job that has a long commute, does not give me many healthy options to eat close-by (so I don't eat at all if I don't have time to pack lunch), and very high stress. 

I know the 5 pounds might not seem like much, but I guess I might not be quite as 'recovered' as I thought I was. Some of my clothes don't fit, and that is when the panic switch flipped. I know that if I lose about 5-7 pounds I will be back down to my norm, and will stop stressing. I don't know how to get there. I've never had to lose weight in a healthy manner, and I don't know where to even begin.

I'm training for a 5k (very slowly, due to having asthma and being a former smoker), I eat pretty healthy (try to avoid processed foods and meats, portion control), and in addition to 5k training I walk/hike at least 15 miles a week. So what else can I do? I have a long work day (7 am to 7 pm), then come home and make dinner for my family. 

I think I'm going to need to get up earlier and do cardio work. Maybe I need to cut out meat completely. Maybe I should be doing weight training. I'm just so lost, and so freakin' hard on myself. I have been beating myself down for 2 weeks now, and don't know where to turn.

So, does anyone have any advice? Suggestions? I'm not looking for a quick fix, and would actually like to change my lifestyle habits to a more consistent healthy routine. 

Edit: I see a therapist for my eating disorders once a week. She tells me to make 'healthy' choices, but obviously she's not my workout coach, she's my therapist. So don't worry, I'm working on the mental health aspect of it too.

entropicbeauty

Well it sounds like you have a good mindset in relation to your issues and are working on it. 

Would calorie counting trigger you back to anorexia? If you think you can handle calorie counting, it might be a good idea to use a tool like myfitnesspal.com to get a better idea just how much you are actually eating in a day. It's possible that, while you're eating more food than you used to and it's all healthy, you may still not be eating enough (triggering your body to be in starvation mode and hold onto everything put into it). Only you know if you can handle that - I know there are other people who struggle with this and wouldn't be able to handle it.

As for fitness, I agree that implementing weight training into your routine could greatly help you. Muscle burns more calories than fat

You sound very level headed, we would love to have you stick around and participate in our daily accountability threads. If you do join myfitnesspal, there are a ton of us on here who have accounts....this board is great about supporting one another.

kmbryant2413

In Response to Re: Help :
[QUOTE]Well it sounds like you have a good mindset in relation to your issues and are working on it.  Would calorie counting trigger you back to anorexia? If you think you can handle calorie counting, it might be a good idea to use a tool like myfitnesspal.com to get a better idea just how much you are actually eating in a day. It's possible that, while you're eating more food than you used to and it's all healthy, you may still not be eating enough (triggering your body to be in starvation mode and hold onto everything put into it). Only you know if you can handle that - I know there are other people who struggle with this and wouldn't be able to handle it. As for fitness, I agree that implementing weight training into your routine could greatly help you. Muscle burns more calories than fat You sound very level headed, we would love to have you stick around and participate in our daily accountability threads. If you do join myfitnesspal, there are a ton of us on here who have accounts....this board is great about supporting one another.
Posted by entropicbeauty[/QUOTE]

You know, that's something that I am not sure about. I feel like as an adult I can absolutely handle that, but at the same time the mental illness of an ED is just that. An illness. I'm not sure if there is a 'safe' way of trying counting out again without it potentially spiraliing me downwards. I only eat once a day, and I guess I still sort of hang on to the anorexia mindset - if I eat more, then I'm doing poorly. It's been years and years worth of struggle for me to wrap my brain around the fact that eating three times a day is better for me than once when I'm starving. 

I think some weights can help me, thank you for the suggestion. Thank you also for the compliment of being level headed, I do try (it's a fight against the Irish temper ) . Maybe seeing numbers on a screen will inspire me to eat more, especially with the added workout that I hope to accomplish. 

kmbryant2413

In Response to Re: Help :
[QUOTE]My first piece of advice was going to be "see a therapist before making any diet changes" because I'm always hesitant to give advice to people with a history of eating disorders.  I don't want to give the wrong advice, you know?  But as long as your therapist is on board and can see you through any repercussions, here are my thoughts. 1.  Stop making excuses and start making time for yourself.  I have a long commute and day too (gone from 6:00 a.m  to 6:30 p.m., typically).  I've been able to schedule time at the gym in to my lunch hour, and it's a lifesaver for me, since I know I won't get up early and won't have the energy to work out once I'm home.  If lunchtime workouts are an option for you, I highly, highly recommend them. 2.  Calorie tracking, like entropic said, if it doesn't trigger anything.  For me, I'm not so worried about the actual calories when tracking.  I like it because it makes me aware of my portion, helps me make healthier choices, and it's fun to get extra support from the others on MFP.  3.  Eat real food, on regular schedules, in healthy amounts.  What that means varies from person to person, but don't let a busy schedule or running out of time keep you from eating lunch.  Pack your lunch and snacks at night so you can grab them on the way out the door.  Prep food on weekends (cut veggies, cook and shred chicken, portion out snacks in tupperware) to save time on weeknights and still give you healthy options.  Have an easy to grab breakfast that won't take long to eat.  I eat whole wheat toast with two tablespoons of peanut butter and a banana pretty much every morning.  It takes three minutes to prepare and another two minutes to eat, and I can take it on the road with me if I'm running late.  Seriously, please eat lunch.  And snacks if that fits in your schedule/lifestyle.  By planning ahead and packing it all up at night, you have zero excuses.
Posted by kwitherington[/QUOTE]

I think just getting up early is going to have to be what I do. I work outside of town (literally, I am 15 minutes outside of town) and the closest gym is 30 minutes away. Just like anything, when I get into the habit it shouldn't be a problem. I look forward to running in the evenings now, so getting up early to run some more should make me hungry, give me time to eat breakfast, and jumpstart my metabolism.

I will check out the myfitness. No one ever tells me that I don't eat /enough/, so that might be the kind of reminder that I need. I understand your hesitancy in giving me advice with an ED, but I appreciate your approach and willingness to try. Thank you, a lot! 

I will start getting better about actually packing snacks/lunch. It slips my mind and has now become routine just for me to head out the door with a lone cup of coffee. I think that packing things and prepping them on the weekends will help cut out my excuses for not having time during the weekdays.

Now, another question: With re-arranging how and how often I eat, adding extra running (perhaps with ankle weights or something), adding a little bit of sit ups and push ups, the running and hiking during the rest of the week, should I be concerned if I am not seeing any improvement soon? Even if it is toning up/losing body fat percentage, and not necessarily pounds?

I do not have a car right now and live with BF, so getting to a gym every day to use the elliptical or weight machines isn't so much an option. I just don't know what kind of workouts I could add or change to help me. I really just don't know much about working out at all.

cnf2013

Km, I'm another fellow "recovered" anorexic. I was a one a day eater for soooo long, assuming I ate at all. I'd suggest working up to two a day as far as eating goes. That's typically what I do and I manage to maintain health at the rate, so it's doable. Sometimes I work a snack into my day or evening too, but that took me some time to work up to. I also have the hardest time wrapping my mind around eating more than two, maybe three times a day. My mindset is still not perfect, and I don't suspect it ever will be completely. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. It's hard work, but you can get there. However, I'd suggest talking to your therapist about increasing the number of times you eat. You can try decreasing the amount of food per meal in order to increase the amount of meals so it's less overwhelming. But again, run it by your therapist first. 

I calorie counted during my rougher times. I've been a counter for over 10 years now. I still count and it's really difficult, but I find I have a hard time losing without, so it's really a test of my willpower to count without obsessing. Only track if you know it won't trigger you.

You need to make time for you. When are you currently working on your 5K training? Are you talking about getting up early to work out more than your training? I'd be really cautious not to over do it. 

ETA: I just saw you newest comment which answered one of my questions. Definitely prep on the weekend. Have an arsenal of things you can grab on the go then you never have an excuse not to have something. 

As far as seeing improvements, start measuring. That way if the scale doesn't budge you can still see if you're losing inches. Also, track you workouts. You'll see the improvements there too when you can go back and look at them. 

kmbryant2413

In Response to Re: Help :
[QUOTE]Km, I'm another fellow "recovered" anorexic. I was a one a day eater for soooo long, assuming I ate at all. I'd suggest working up to two a day as far as eating goes. That's typically what I do and I manage to maintain health at the rate, so it's doable. Sometimes I work a snack into my day or evening too, but that took me some time to work up to. I also have the hardest time wrapping my mind around eating more than two, maybe three times a day. My mindset is still not perfect, and I don't suspect it ever will be completely. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. It's hard work, but you can get there. However, I'd suggest talking to your therapist about increasing the number of times you eat. You can try decreasing the amount of food per meal in order to increase the amount of meals so it's less overwhelming. But again, run it by your therapist first.  I calorie counted during my rougher times. I've been a counter for over 10 years now. I still count and it's really difficult, but I find I have a hard time losing without, so it's really a test of my willpower to count without obsessing. Only track if you know it won't trigger you. You need to make time for you. When are you currently working on your 5K training? Are you talking about getting up early to work out more than your training? I'd be really cautious not to over do it. 
Posted by cnf2013[/QUOTE]

I am talking about in addition to my 5k 'training'. I say it in quotations because my lungs are healing, very slowly, so all I can run is about a mile before it's time for me to go home. So running in the cooler mornings (it's already 95 degrees here) might help me push a little further. Hell, maybe even walking a mile or two might do the job as far as making me want to eat goes. Right now I run about a mile in the evenings, before dinner, right after I get off of work (otherwise I make excuses).

Thank you also for your contribution to the thread, it's always nice to hear from some other ED folks with inspiring messages I have my weekly appointment on Thursday, so I'll talk with her about what she thinks I can and might not be capable of doing as far as my mental health (in relation to eating several times a day). I don't like to do anything food-wise without running in by her, so all of my concerns once I'm a little better educated will be brough to the table this week.

jaenella

First of all, congrats - it sounds like you are coming into this with a very healthy mindset! PPs have had great suggestions and know much more than me on the exercise front - I just wanted to chime in with my quick on-the-go breakfast and lunch suggestions for that 'arsenal'.

For me, I had a hard time eating breakfast for a while, due to both time and not liking food that early in the morning. I found that smoothies were my saviour. I'd freeze little baggies or tupperwares with the individual ingredients for one smoothie (1/2 banana, 1/2 c blueberries, mango, spinach etc), then dump it in the individual Magic Bullet cups with some milk, blend and go. Takes no more time than prepping a cup of coffee, and it's not 'solid' food, which I sometimes had trouble eating in the mornings. Other on-the-go options are eggs (hard boiled a day or two before) or baked oatmeal cakes. I also prep my lunches for the week on Sunday, as much as possible - I'll make 4-5 servings of quinoa salad, couscous and veggies, etc.

Also just a note about cutting out meat from your OP - if you do cut out meat, make sure you are replacing it with vegetable proteins (lentils, beans etc). I cut out meat for a while and didn't add any other protein, which I found really sapped my energy and my motivation.

jennylee813

I agree with PPs. You do sound like you're in a healthy mindset, and are working on the mental side as well as the physical. That's awesome, and you should be very proud!

Take measurements (if it's not a trigger, of course), and maybe add a protein shake into your day to start. I'm thinking that you're missing out on nutrients too, and tracking might help. Increasing your calories gradually will make it easier, and preplanning is definitely key.

Again, it sounds like you're on the right page. Results will take time (trust me, I am currently queen of the plateau), but if you think about it as a lifestyle and not a 'diet' - and it certainly seems that you are thinking lifestyle - it will stick.

Good luck, and stick around!

unchatenfrance

Nothing to add except that I'm a huge Queen fan - lots of love @kymbryant!

lovelyheather

In Response to Re: Help :
[QUOTE]Now,another question: With re-arranging how and how often I eat, adding extra running (perhaps with ankle weights or something), adding a little bit of sit ups and push ups, the running and hiking during the rest of the week, should I be concerned if I am not seeing any improvement soon? Even if it is toning up/losing body fat percentage, and not necessarily pounds? I do not have a car right now and live with BF, so getting to a gym every day to use the elliptical or weight machines isn't so much an option. I just don't know what kind of workouts I could add or change to help me. I really just don't know much about working out at all.
Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

From what I understand, running with ankle weights is really, really bad for your knees and ankles.  I wouldn't recommend doing this.  I know you are starting slow, but if you are looking for ways to build endurance and speed, running intervals will do a lot more for you than adding weights.  I also have asthma and I found that couch to 5K was a great training plan for getting started (http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml).

Just to be clear, I think adding weight training is definitely a good idea, just not in the form of running with ankle weights.

Congratulations on quitting smoking and best of luck with your continued recovery.

kmbryant2413

lovelyheather - Thanks for the tip Running is hard enough for me and dance has ruined my ankles/knees/hips, so I will stay away from that and incorporate some other weights into different workouts. Thanks for the congrats, and the couch to 5k suggestion. My 5k is in a month, so I'm just going to keep pushing. Maybe for my next one I'll pick up that program (It's the Color Run, so absolutely not timed/pressured).

unchatenfrance - Thanks! I love Freddie Mercury, I told my parents all the time I wanted to be like him and David Bowie when I grew up.

jennylee - Thank you for the welcome, I will certainly stick around! I absolutely am in this for the long haul. BF has been gaining weight, lifting, and bulking up (in addition to being my fantastic running partner) so the healthy lifestyle 'bug' is hitting me. Not that I was unhealthy before, but we like to challenge each other to be better for ourselves!

jaenella - While I'm not /hungry/ in the mornings, I can certainly eat. I followed kwiths' advice and I made myself a slice of whole wheat toast with PB and bananas last night for dessert, to test it out and see if I liked it. Well, I have two slices sitting by me right now for breakfast So I'm on the breakfast train, and I bet I'll feel much better here in an hour or two when I hit that 'slump'. I prepped my lunch last night too, so I'm trying! I don't want to let you ladies down with your helpful advice and time put into answering me, so I'm trying hard. I've never eaten much meat (was a vegetarian for years), so I do sub it with other nutrients and eggs. A lot of eggs

kwith - Thank you, thank you for your breakfast suggestion of what you do! I think I'm already addicted, as you can see by the picture In my little ED brain, it doesn't quite make sense that you have to eat back the calories you burn with exercise. I'll trust you and do it (if I can make myself ) but maybe you can explain /why/ that is? I'll try really hard not to get discouraged, I'm not miserable with my body, so as long as I'm making healthy lifestyle changes and not putting on more fat (notice I did not say weight, I love muscle!) then I think I'll be okay while my body adjusts then slims down.

THANK YOU THANK YOU ladies for all your help already, I promise I will stick around. You're all lovely to take time out of your day to give a stranger some encouragement. Thank you a lot

kmbryant2413

In Response to Re:Help ::
[QUOTE]Km, the reason we should eat our exercise calories back is because if you are eating at a deficit, you don't want to make that a huge deficit. Eating too few calories does more harm than good. Since that probably made it more confusing, let me see if I can explain with an example. MFP gives me a goal of 1600 calories a day to lose about a pound a week. My maintenance levels are roughly 2100 a day. I eat to 1600 levels so I can lose weight. If I workout and burn 300 calories, I've only actually taken in 1300 calories that day. So I eat 300 extra calories to put me at the 1600 level. Yes, I technically eat 1900 calories, but since I burned 300, I end the day at 1600. Plus, those 'extra' 300 calories are fuel to help your body recover from your workout. If that didn't clarify, let me know. I'll try again.
Posted by xcalygrl[/QUOTE]

Makes sense! It's more that I would still rather see a bigger deficit than giving my body what it needs. That's part of the recovery. I've found, usually, that if I just 'do it' because someone tells me that that's what I should do, and I do it for long enough, I stop thinking about it or questioning it (when it comes to food). So it makes sense, I understand that my body needs the extra fuel for the calories burnt, I just don't want to. Something else I will bring up with my therapist. Thank you for the explination!

JillAdamsIII

Stay encouraged and take it one day at a time.