FMIL trying to plan the wedding

bakexlove

So I had already decided I wanted a very small intimate wedding. I would like about around 15-20 people which is our immediate families and our very close few friends. I was planning to pay for the whole wedding but my mom wanted to help me. We were planning the ceremony to be in a nice park and the reception to be a dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in the town I live in. Just very simple. Everytime I see my FMIL she tries to say she will help pay but she is also trying to invite 20 people just from her side of her family. My fiance told her that he isn't even close to them and for it to just be immediate family. She keeps insisting and then trying to tell me about other locations to have it thats closer to them. She wants my number and email to text me about the wedding. How do I tactfully tell her exactly what is going to happen and I don't want to discuss it further? My fiance is even telling me we should just elope. I'm getting to frustrated and my anxiety is through the roof. Any ideas?
 

banana468

Bean dip her.

FMIL: I think the Grand Gaudy Palace Palooza is the perfect place for the event and it will fit Ethel, Fran, Gert and my other 20 friends from my weekly canasta game!

You: Oh thank you for the idea but the venue and guest list are all set.   Tell me, are those pansies in the front garden?

FMIL: But Ethel and Fran have been talking about wanting to go to the wedding so we HAVE to include them!

You: Unfortunately the guest list is all set.    Tell me, do the pansies need full sunlight or will they do OK in partial shade?

Don't discuss it and don't entertain the conversation.    If she keeps pushing then your FI may need to say, "Mom, we understand that you would prefer it be a different way but you need to respect that this is how we are choosing to have it."

She doesn't have to like it but she needs to respect it.

bakexlove

Thank you, You are right and also made me laugh out loud! I can be sort of intimidated by her and I can be shy. I just have to be more assertive. The unfortunate part is that when I'm not around she tries to attack my fiance about it.

banana468

Well, as long as your FI is standing up for the two of you, you can feel great about having a dude who will back you up throughout the trials and tribulations of marriage.

Trust me, you need one who will do that especially if you have a pushy MIL.

bakexlove

In Response to Re: FMIL trying to plan the wedding:
[QUOTE]NO is not a four-letter word.  Start using it.  You'll end up being strong-armed by this woman for the rest of her life if you don't.  Do you want three people in your marriage? Lots of people, especially women, are brought up to believe it's mean and ugly to say NO.  No is a bad word.  It's rude.  It's harsh. Don't believe it.  It's in the English language for a reason.  Trying to be nice, as you've found, just gets you taken advantage of by the bossy people who know you won't say that nasty NO word to them. If you can't say no, start with: *Thanks for the suggestion, FMIL, but we've already decided on something else. *We appreciate the thought, FMIL but we don't want to do that.  It isn't the kind of wedding we want at all, and I know you don't want to force us into something we don't like.  Thanks anyway. Work up to saying no.  Embrace your inner no.  Take back your power.  NO is beautiful. Don't hesitate to tell someone outright that they are trying to force you into something you've already told them you do not want/do not like, and to stop.  You will not discuss it anymore. Expect pouting/anger/manipulations/guilt trips, etc., for awhile.  It's natural for bossy people to do this.  YOU MUST NOT GIVE IN.  If you do,  bossy person knows they've won, and this is the method to use in the future to force you to do what they want. Your fiance should back you up, not his mother.  If he won't, then that's a big red flag for your future.  He shouldn't worry about "upsetting mom." His concern should be upsetting his WIFE, and tell him we said so! P.S.  I'm 49 years old, and I learned all this the HARD WAY.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Thank You!  You are right I just have to put my big girl NO panties on.