Catholic Ceremony + Additional Ceremony/Celebration?

[Deleted User]

Hello,

Are you ladies able to help me?

FI and I are both baptized Catholic and have made our first communions.  FI has been confirmed, I have not.  The majority of our family members consider themselves Catholic, though rarely go to Catholic services.  This includes FI and I.  FI considers himself Catholic while I consider myself spiritual.

FI cares deeply about getting married in a Catholic church, and I support this.  His faith (and, more importantly, the way he lives in accordance with his faith) is one of the many things I love about him.  That said, there are elements that are important to me when promising to a lifetime of trust, honor, and love to my best friend that are not typically included/allowed through a traditional Catholic ceremony.  This is something that he also supports. 

Has anyone heard of doing a traditional Catholic ceremony and then holding another ceremony/celebration (in another location -- at your reception or in a third site) where we can share personally written vows and having individuals who we love and who love us share readings from literature or other sources outside of scripture?

What do you think?  I really appreciate all of your comments.

Best,
Jeannie

monkeysip

I think two ceremonies is never a good idea.

You only have one wedding, and the Catholic ceremony would be it.

You said you're spiritual, so maybe you could still find some scriptures that speak more to you?  Things that you can agree with?

As for the personalized vows and non-scriptural readings, I've heard of Couples doing a short statement to each other at the reception, or, you can have private personal vows with each other before or after your Catholic ceremony.  You could even write letters to each other if you wanted.  Fiance and I will probably do that.

You could have a non-scriptural reading in your wedding program.  

There are plenty of ways for you to be involved and pick things that reflect your beliefs too (music and scriptures during the ceremony and music/speeches/decorations/etc. during the reception)  

I just don't think it's appropriate to have a completely different ceremony after your wedding, although I suppose you could have a vow-renewal type thing later (outside of the church).

But I do really applaud you for being so respectful to your fiance's beliefs.  That's a very good thing to have in a relationship.

professorscience

I've heard of several couples including personalized vows at their receptions, which would really be the only place I would advise having anything "extra."  To have a separate ceremony just to include nonliturgical elements seems a tad excessive.  I also find the vows that are part of a Catholic ceremony (or any religious ceremony) to be incredibly beautiful and personal.

If you have a lot of nonscriptural readings you'd prefer to include (I also like monkey's suggestion of really searching scripture -- you don't HAVE to use the readings that are in the Together for Life book if there are other readings from scripture that speak to you), it might be cute to have them printed and framed as table decorations at your reception.

monkeysip

Yup, I like the readings at the tables thing too.  

Peledreamsofrain

Erm, I can't see this going over well. It's essentially saying a Catholic ceremony isn't good enough for you.

[Deleted User]

Thank you to all for your responses and suggestions.  They have quite helpful and I look forward to hearing more great advice.

To Peledreamsofrai...: That IS what I am saying -- the Catholic ceremony does not allow us the opportunity to make the largest commitment of our lives in the way that is most appropriate for not just MY beliefs, but also for many of the beliefs our relationship is found upon.  But I understand the importance the Catholic ceremony has for my FI and so I want to find a way to meet all of both of our needs.

I like the idea of sharing a moment with our closest friends and family before the Catholic ceremony (we had already planned on a first look) or a much more brief moment at the reception.  I also love the readings at the table -- but because I think there is value in having your loved ones hear the promises you are making to one another, I don't think this alone will accomplish what I'm looking for.

Again -- thanks wise women! 

STARMOON44

I think it would be lovely for you and husband to share whatever you want alone, on your honeymoon. But as a guest, I'd be ticked to sit through 2 ceremonies, and as a Christian not Catholic I'd be insulted that your church marriage is not good enough for you. How much more can you need to promise than till death do you part?

professorscience

In Response to Re:Catholic Ceremony Additional Ceremony/Celebration?:
[QUOTE]I think it would be lovely for you and husband to share whatever you want alone, on your honeymoon. But as a guest, I'd be ticked to sit through 2 ceremonies, and as a Christian not Catholic I'd be insulted that your church marriage is not good enough for you. How much more can you need to promise than till death do you part?
Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

I'm curious about this, as well, but I'm glad OP is honestly looking for solutions rather than just whining that the Catholic church doesn't allow her to fulfill her wedding vision.

OP: I agree (kind of) that there's value in your guests hearing your vows, but THEY DO hear them in the Catholic ceremony.  I'm not sure what's left out that you are really invested in, but that's fine.  One thing I will say is that sharing those "more personal" vows might actually be very beautiful done in private.  You could also include something in your rehearsal dinner -- my MIL put together a really sweet video of DH and me with clips of us talking about our relationship juxtaposed with pictures of us growing up.  At the end we were each asked (separately) to say whatever we wanted to the other.  I don't remember what I said or what he said, but that we (and everyone else in the room) were very moved by each other's sentiments.

SimplyME22

I think Hollywood/TV/Movies have changed how many people view what a wedding "should be."  Everyone wants that fairytale; we're going to profess our enduring love for each other and tell everyone that we're going to be there through thick and thin, but we want to do it in our own words.  I understand, I want to put my own "mark" on my wedding, but I'm saving that for the reception.  The traditional Catholic Mass is a beautiful, extraordinary way to start a marriage. Sure, it may not say the words in the way you'd imagine them, but I assure you, all of that same thought, feeling, and commitment is still there.

When you say there's value in hearing your loved one's hear the promises you make to one another, you're right, but they already are hearing this in the mass.  I like a pp's idea of writing your personal vows in your own words to one another in a letter and exchanging them before the ceremony.  As you make your vows in the mass, you also hold his words in your heart.

I agree with not having multiple ceremonies and to me it almost feels like, well we did it FI's way first, but now we need to do it my way too. Please don't take that the wrong way, I think it's wonderful that you are respecting his faith and commendable to him for "standing up to the bride" and requesting you have a Catholic Mass.  I, too, love the idea of having the non-scripture readings framed at your table. I think that's a great, non-invasive way of sharing those readings, which you find express your thoughts/feelings so well, with your guests.  Yes, it puts the impetus on your guests to read them, but when you're sitting at a table waiting for things to progress, they'll find the time.

lalaith50

OP - I'm curious, if you don't mind sharing, could you possibly tell us more specifically what sorts of things you would be hoping to say? I think it might be helpful for us to know that, since it would give us a better idea of where it would be more appropriate and possible to do. For example, depending on what it is, there might be a way to turn it into a prayer at the ceremony, either in the Prayer of the Faithful, or I think some priests allow for an additional "Prayer of the Couple," for example.

Resa77

First, I LOVE Professor's idea of framing writings/poems that are special to you.  I also think you could find a way to share a reading or poem at your RD, and then you and your FI could each say a few words about your feelings, your hopes for your future together, etc.  Personally, I think that could be really lovely, and something very special to share with your closest family and friends at the RD.

Riss91

There are options to choose from in the Catholic wedding vows:

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

-or-

I, (name), take you, (name), for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.


These vows seem pretty universal and all-encompassing. From my experience and research, many people use these vows in non-Catholic ceremonies, including civil ceremonies. Also - most non-religious vows basically say the same thing, but subsitute synonymous phrases, like this :

"On this wonderful day, I feel so blessed to take you, <name />, as my wife, to honor you with my loyalty and friendship and to gratefully receive the joy of knowing you and I are now one entity, committed to one purpose, supporting and loving each other through light and darkness."

-or-

I, <name />, take you, <name>, to be my equal partner in love, life, and law, today, tomorrow, and forever. I promise to share your joy and sorrow, to help you heal when the world wounds you, and to help you find beauty in everything."


Sooo....I guess my point is that, you shouldn't feel confined by the Catholic vows, as they aren't much different than most other non-Catholic vows, which seem to work for most couples. But - let us know what we're missing, there might be a way to include those ideas within the ceremony somehow.

I'd think that anything more "specific" or "personal" that you want to say to each other can be done either in note form, in your program, or in a short exchange when you do your "first look". You could have a couple of your closest family and friends be there for that.